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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would IBU to tell her to F*** Off!!

173 replies

lowkey21 · 04/03/2019 08:48

After a difficult few years of TTC I am over the moon that I am now 12 weeks pregnant.

Me and DP have been together for 11 years and been TTC for the past 3 years. He has one son from a previous relationship who is 12 years old.

After my scan on Thursday and everything is looking good Grin we decided to inform our parents of the good news. We asked them to keep it to themselves until after the weekend when DSS was over and we could tell him the news.

All went well with DSS at the weekend, he seemed excited and even said to us "in a couple of years when the baby isn't tiny and I'm a bit older I will babysit if you give me money for it" 😂
He also asked when the baby would be born and I told him the due date and he pointed out that it was 3 days after his birthday. I said "yes let's hope it's not on your birthday" he said "no I don't want to share my birthday" but it was all very lighthearted and he didn't seem upset or angry about this.

So... this morning DSS has gone home. He was home for about 20 minutes when I got a text from DSS's mum saying

"What the actual fuck?? Are you two for real? Have you done this on purpose or something? It feels like you've planned the due date to be on (SS) birthday"

She doesn't know anything about mine and DPs relationship or how long we have been TTC but I am still really upset and angry by her message and why she would think I would 'plan' a baby to be born on his birthday FFS.

I know I know... I'd still be unreasonable to reply "F** off" but I really want to!

OP posts:
Mamaisamermaid · 04/03/2019 10:51

She could think that you planned the due date to be on your step sons birthday to make the day all about (or more about) your child and not so much about hers.

She could think that you're trying to exclude her child from the bond he has with his father by doing this.

If I thought that way, I'd be mad, so I can definitely see why your Step sons mum feels the way she feels, she doesn't know the truth.

It would be hurtful to tell her to fuck off.

I suggest you tell your step sons mum that it wasn't a planned pregnancy

LazyLizzy · 04/03/2019 10:54

Not a planned pregnancy

FFS heard it all now!!!

rumptifizzer · 04/03/2019 11:00

"Yes DP was adamant we had sex the same time and date as you conceived and we role played and he pretended I was you 😂😂😂😂".

I'd just ignore her actually!

TheCreativeLife · 04/03/2019 11:01

This really is none of her business. That's what I'd be telling her.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/03/2019 11:05

Respond with ODFOD. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

NotTheFordType · 04/03/2019 11:20

Does DSS have other siblings? I wonder if she is sub consciously worried about him getting less attention/time/love from his dad and it's coming out as (totally unreasonable) anger at the completely inconsequential coincidence of the due date.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 04/03/2019 11:23

Ignore the text, maybe check in again with DSS at some point.

(And if it is the same day, I suggest downplaying baby's birthday to the extreme fore the first year or two when they are too young to know what is happening anyway and making a big deal about DSS so he does't feel supplanted. But the likely hood of baby coming on due date is 1 in 30 so I really wouldn't worry about it)

Toooldtocareanymore · 04/03/2019 11:24

oh id get arsey back, something along lines of 'well it took ten years to have the ovulation line up exactly, 42 weeks in advance of ss birthday.. but we managed, please don't reply to this text I found your message rude and ignorant, I will accept flowers and an apology...'

Though this may amuse you to know, my sil elected to have a induced birth ( went private and insisted she was induced ) on my eldest birthday, she was due 6 days after my due date for my second but in her words 'she didn't want to be last', ( another baby was born in family under two months before this) she knew I was having problems and they wanted to induce me that day if I hadn't gone early- I said no way ill wait two days, doc was saying chances are you wont be able to I said if I cant that's fine, but my dd would kill me if I chose her birthday, her husband let slip as soon as she heard , she contacted doc and asked for my dd birthday, now all she does is complain the her ds birthday comes second to my dd

FriarTuck · 04/03/2019 11:26

oh id get arsey back, something along lines of 'well it took ten years to have the ovulation line up exactly, 42 weeks in advance of ss birthday.. but we managed, please don't reply to this text I found your message rude and ignorant, I will accept flowers and an apology...'
And that will benefit DSS how exactly?
Perhaps more parents & stepparents should try putting the children before their own egos.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/03/2019 11:34

She is very rude.

I'd reply:

"Did you mean to be so rude? Of course we didn't plan for that. We've been trying to conceive for years and we're just happy its happened. Now you've taken the shine off that. Well done."

willowmelangell · 04/03/2019 11:39

or rumptifizzer,

"Yes DP was adamant we had sex the same time and date as you conceived and we role played. I pretended to be him."

trulybadlydeeply · 04/03/2019 11:45

I would reply something along the lines of

"Well, after a few years of trying, and getting really worried that it may not happen for us, planning the due date in any way was the furthest thought from our minds, as I'm sure you will understand"

Smelborp · 04/03/2019 11:56

I would reply with something slightly conciliatory like:

“Ha, Can you imagine if people really could choose the birth date at conception? There would be no Christmas birthdays. Pity it’s not that easy! We realise it could be close to SS’ birthday and we will make sure his birthday is kept special. He was very excited and we want him to feel part of this.”

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/03/2019 11:56

I wouldn’t respond with a nasty message. She’s clearly all over the place emotionally. She is mother to your husbands son and his mental health is important. You don’t need to make his life harder for him.

I would respond though. I really liked what WinnieFoster suggested We’re hoping baby doesn’t come on the same day, definitely don’t want to overshadow DS’ birthday. Perhaps adding This is a much waited for baby.

DarlingNikita · 04/03/2019 11:57

Mamaisamermaid, you must be having a laugh.
Even if she did think any or all of those things, texting someone 'What the actual fuck?? Are you two for real?' is right out of order.

DarlingNikita · 04/03/2019 11:58

You don’t need to make his life harder for him. It's the mother doing that, modelling that kind of behaviour for her son and showing him that her relationship with the other important adults in his life is adversarial.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/03/2019 11:59

I should have added. I think it would have been a good idea to tell her instead of your dss. Yes he’s old enough to tell her. But he shouldn’t be placed in a position where he has to deal with emotional fallout.

BaronessBomburst · 04/03/2019 12:05

Yes DP was adamant we had sex the same time and date as you conceived and we role played. I pretended to be him.

GrinGrinGrin

ahtellthee · 04/03/2019 12:05

I also think this smacks of jealousy.

I absolutely would not respond.

Congratulations!!!! You must be incredibly excited. Smile

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/03/2019 12:06

Nikkita
Yes it is the mother modelling that her adult relationships are adversarial. Likewise if the op gets hooked in and blasts back, she equally modelling the same behaviour.

You’ve actually missed my point. The woman is all over the place emotionally. If she gets wrong footed again, she will be even more destabilised, which will have a knock on effect on the child. Op isn’t responsible for her reaction. However if op knows she will react in a certain way, it’s best to avoid provoking that kind of reaction for the sake of a 12 yo child.

Moreove if that 12 yo child learns op has been sarcastic / unkind / nasty to his mother, he’s going to then probably going to react and feel defensive toward his mother. Bad choice all round for family relations. 🤷‍♀️

Rainbunny · 04/03/2019 12:07

If she's normally a reasonable person then I have to think that she may realise (if she hasn't already) how ridiculous it is to imagine that you could have deliberately timed things to steal her DS's birthday thunder!

I actually wonder if your DSS somehow gave her the wrong impression when he told her about your due date being close to his birthday. Perhaps he mistakenly gave her the idea that his birthday would be less special if your baby is born the same day. I have no way of knowing this but it's just a thought. Still a silly message to send you but if he was feeling defensive about her DS being less special suddenly it might make more sense.

KurriKurri · 04/03/2019 12:17

I think the fact that your DSS mentioned straigth away that the due date was near his birthday and that he didn't want to share his birthday maybe means he is slightly concerned about that even thought it seems lighthearted. Maybe afte mulling it over he went home and told his Mum and became upset - after having time to think he might be realising he has slightly mixed feelings. A new baby will change the family dynamic and he might be worried about that despite being pleased - it's emotionally complicated.
So Mum might be having a gut reaction to him being a bit uncertain.

Having said that she shouldn't have sent you a rude text - that is totally out of order, and you aren;t responsible for he feelings over your baby - it's nothing to do with her. I supsect she is just worried for her son. it sounds as if you have a generally OK relationship with her and a good relationship with DSS. Don't lose that by reacting rashly as she did, it isn;t worth it - and will ultimately harm DSS.
let her calm down, she may well get back to you with an apology and realise she ahs over reacted. If not then when the news is less 'new' then maybe you can have a talk about how the new baby will not affect DSS's relationship with his Dad, and no one will be pushed out -as that is the underlying fear here.

Congratulations on your news - you must be so thrilled after trying for so long - wishing you all the very best and hope this little blip blows over when the ex has calmed down. Don't let how others behave spoil your joy Flowers

contrary13 · 04/03/2019 12:33

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP, but I agree with others. Your DH should have at least had the courtesy to warn his ex so that their 12 year old child didn't have to be the one to break the news. You may have had the impression that your stepson was excited about the news - and he may very well be - but how do you know he didn't go home to his mum and express confusion or fears about being pushed out of his Dad's affections because of the new baby...?

My son was 5 when my ex married his very lovely, brilliant stepmother, of a wife. My son and my ex's wife have a fantastic relationship, full of support and kind friendship. They told him they were getting married and he was full of glee for them... until he came home when he cried and begged me to still be his Mummy after his Daddy had married his stepmum. You don't know for certain - and probably never will, because once I'd reassured my son that yes; I'd still be his Mum, I restrained from sending a bitchy text to my ex's then-girlfriend (whom I'd only found out about a few months prior when she gave birth to their baby... literally on the day she was born, was the first my children or I knew about her or the then-girlfriend) about it.

What matters here is that this isn't about you or your impending baby. It's about your DH and his son, and their relationship. It's also about the ex, I'm afraid, who will be the one who is possibly doing her utmost to (a) conceal her own shock at the fact that her ex didn't have the manners to give her a heads'up so that she could support their son appropriately, and (b) might even be doing her utmost to tell that son that of course his Dad will still love him after the baby's been born...

I'd imagine that after 11 years of your being on the scene, she'd grown used to the idea of her child being your DH's only. That's changed now. It will have been a shock to her system. And she'll be angry that her son was placed into the awful position of having to be the one to tell her.

Hopefully the baby won't be born on your stepson's birthday... but they come when they want to, I'm afraid. My son was supposed to have been born a full 33 hours before he actually was (I was induced) - but if he had, he would have shared his birthday with an uncle of mine who died at 6 days old, so I'm actually very grateful that he stayed put until the next day! Like others have said, and I'm sure you agree, your baby and your stepson each deserve their own day where the Dad they share can spoil them appropriately.

Be kind to your DH's ex. I ended up babysitting my son's younger half-siblings (for free, I might add) so that he and his now-wife could go out together, and I have them after school sometimes when their parents aren't around. The ex? May well turn out to be a blessing in disguise... particularly as you already seem to have a friendly co-parenting relationship with her, as her child's stepmother.

But don't put a child into the middle of what is, at the end of the day, an adult situation.

JenniferJareau · 04/03/2019 12:38

Don't send a nasty reply.

'Goodness no we didn't plan it this way. Mother Nature, eh!

eclipse1808 · 04/03/2019 13:00

Our DS was born on DSS’ birthday and he loves sharing a birthday with his baby brother. Was abit upset we had to miss the party but loved coming to see his baby brother on his birthday. Won’t be the end of the world if that does happen. However, it’s nothing to do with her and she sounds very jealous actually. Congratulations x

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