AIBU not to pay for my 16 year olds holiday when I didn't agree to it?

[ThisMustBeMyDream]

I'm so cross and disappointed with this. My 16 year old DS has had a girlfriend for a few months. She's a lovely person, and the relationship has progressed sensibly. Up until now I haven't spoken to her parents as there was no real need to.
However, something seperate occured today, which prompted me to speak with them. As an aside they mentioned that My DS was going on holiday with them. It's booked and paid for and he has said he is paying them back. I asked how much it was for, and was told £600.

Now, my DS had mentioned about a holiday with her few weeks ago, but no more details were given. I asked him to find out more information and let me know. I did say to DS it was unlikely and I absolutely wouldn't be able to pay.

So he has gone agaisnt what I said, and the mum has told me it has been booked. No discussion with me prior. She has just taken the word of 16 year old DS.

I am in no way able to pay for or contribute to this holiday. DS has a job, he earns min wage for 16 year olds which is £4.20 ph. It will take him working 150 hours just to pay off a holiday that (let's face it, teenagers aren't the most reliable of relationship keepers) he may not even end up going on. He is at college, so his working hours are limited. It's 0 hours, and he takes what he can get which can be 0 or 12 hours a week.

I can't see how he can pay for it. I can't pay for it. AIBU to wash my hands of it and say it's between DS and the girlfriends mum to deal with?

As an aside note, he has a holiday with us and extended family booked 2 weeks later paid for by my dad, so there is no lack of holiday going on.

So he told the girlfriend mum and his own dad he was going, big deliberately omitted to tell you!

I would say that he is an idiot for doing this and needs to tell the mum he Downey have the money and will be paying £10 a week or whatever. Tell him that he now can’t afford driving lessons!

Doesn’t, not Downey l!

AgentJohnson - he's still 16. Parents should step in and help sort out your messes at 16. taht's not to say she should just pay it and get into debt herself, but sorting it could be talking to the other parents and getting his place cancelled.

As a compromise could they pay for their DD to join your family holiday instead? That meants DS and his GF still get their joint holiday, but he doesn't get into debt he cant afford.

Holidayshopping - you really think he should lose the opportunity to learn to drive so the other parents who didn't bother to check with the OP aren't out of pocket? Learning to drive when at home and can practice on your parents car is so much easier and cheaper than as an independent adult. It opens up possibilities for work options post study and opens up where in the country he can live/work.

Holidays aren't really worth giving up aquiring such a useful lifeskill for.

He shouldn't have been put in this position

Totally agree with this. 16yo aren't allowed to get credit cards etc because they aren't old enough to handle debt responsibly. He should not be in debt to his gf parents either.

What was your son thinking!? He needs to talk to his gf about it.

You're also right to worry if they will even be together for the holiday.

You shouldn't feel obliged to pay, he should have spoken to you and asked if you'd consider contributing. The other parents were very naive imo but that's their problem. Have nothing to do with it!

Gosh! He is 16 so almost an adult, yet you’re treating him like a small kid. Perhaps he has given it consideration and, if it’s something he really wants to do, he will find a way.

The other family should have discussed with you if they wanted you to commit to pay. However speaking as a parent who has had my son’s friends come with, sometimes it’s as much about your child having company as anything else and maybe the £ isn’t an issue.

It seems like it’s a real learning opportunity for everyone involved - don’t blow it by going over the top?!

Your son has to deal with the consequences of this thoughtlessness. Even if you could afford to bail him out (and I know you can’t) it wouldn’t be the right thing to do.

Let the parents know you won’t be paying for your son and then leave it to him. Either he makes a proper arrangement with the other parents to repay the money or he has to tell them he can’t go and pay back any lost deposit.

Don’t let your son make this your problem. You can’t give him what you don’t have so he will have to make his own arrangements.

But don’t blame the parents - they weren’t to know that your son was being unrealistic.

Is the holiday abroad? If so he cannot travel without your explicit permission - he will need to take a form with him signed by both parents. My DD got stopped on her way back into the UK aged 17 when travelling with her boyfriend's family and she got questioned for not having parental permission - fortunately it was into the UK not out of it, as otherwise they told her that they would not let her travel.

I'd be inclined to say he needs to agree a repayment plan - either for just the loss of the deposit, the whole holiday, the whole holiday plus money for food / meals out that he has to agree with the parents.

Agree you should avoid getting involved and let him sort it out..

I'd leave him to it - he doesn't sound like he was forced into it & so will be able to come up with a plan with the other parents.

If I were the other adult, I would take responsibility for this. I wouldn't assume that a 16 year old can commit to a £600 payment, without making detialed enquiries.

They must know him well enough to know about his job, and a bit about your family set up.

I would never ever presume that a 16 year old could pay themselves or that their parent could pay. As she said, she should have asked.

The other parent won't want to upset her Dd.

In other parents shoes I would swallow it, say to him to pay a certain amount a week until they leave, and chalk it up.

Best solution: Bank of Dad.

He wants to go, he needs to work out how to pay for it! (And come on, its £600 not £6k!) He sticks in at college and presumably works a job too. Thats life. Ah young love....

I think this could be a great life lesson treated right - yes it will take him time to repay things but he will learn many things - how hard it is to pay back a seemingly "small" sum when on a low wage (not to borrow unless on better salary!), that relationships can be fragile (if they break up) that some people do not understand having low income and make hge assumptions about what can be afforded by others so he needs not to be swept up in it all and learn when to say no

Judge Rinder... he’ll sort it out!

see all Bank of Dad teaches is how to spend other peoples money with no consequence

I won't worry about it. He's made an agreement and you aren't party to it so it is for him to see it through, and hopefully he will and it will teach him a bit about the value of money. Also they are presumably doing it for the dd's benefit and they will know he is only earning small amounts and should be aware it will take him a while to pay off, plus I bet they will let him off once he's made a reasonable contribution. Don't get involved and don't worry about it x

I'm laughing at all the people saying 'gosh, he's 16 not a child, but an adult blah blah'. He's obviously not a responsible soon to be adult as the knob head has just booked a £600 holiday.

I have 15 and 17 yo DSs...they are mini adults in some respects and big idiots in others. I wouldn't trust my two to make sensible decisions at all times on all matters, they need guidance. I'm finding the late teens bloody hard work and my two are relatively intelligent grammar school boys.

Frankly it's the other parents problem. If I book anything for anyone, I check how they are going to pay and when. Its bad enough getting cash from adults, let alone children.

They will learn.....though I suspect they are happy to pay to keep their daughter happy.

All those people pointing out he could get married at 16 - not without his parents permission he couldn't, assuming you're in England or Wales

Ridiculous of the girl’s parents! Mine have holidayed with friends a lot and the norm is guest pays for transport and spends once there (not food)
But the parents always clear it first.

You'll have to speak to the mum and tell her that you hadn't given him permission to go and that he shouldn't have told her otherwise. Tell her that you can not afford the holiday and had already told your son this and would have told her too had she contacted you. Ask her if someone else can take his place and tell her that he will repay her for any extra expenses relating to changing names on tickets etc. Then tell your son that he has put you in a terrible decision and he cannot go.

We had a similar thing with my 14 yr old , agreed to go away with friends family . Mentioned it to me and I said she may be able to go and I may be able to contribute. When she eventually told me the date it was clear she would only be able to go for a few days ( it wasn’t that far so it would work in theory ) but I said this time I thought it was a no .
Next thing I know I get a bill from the dad for £400 odd !
Dh rang him and said there must have been some confusion as dd could go and he was surprised at the ‘bill ‘
In the end we paid half andcshe wrnt for a few days . I can’t believe that firstly you book a holiday for a kid without mentioning it to parents and also I’d assume if I was taking a child’s friend it would be at my cost but I’d appreciate some spending and activity money .

I think you just need to be honest with the parents and say it’s news to you and you actually don’t have the money .

I would not worry yourself about this.
If gf’s DM has booked/paid for the holiday she must be aware the buck stops with her. As said upthread, it will make the holiday more relaxed for her if DD is entertained. The gf’s family can obviously cover the cost. Just be quite clear the planning did not include you so neither will the payment.
I had a similar thing with my DD(18) booking a holiday with her bf. His Father told them where to go and who to book with. I had said I would contribute £300 as a well-done on A-levels/ have fun before uni present. The holiday booked cost thousands! DD’s contribution was another £200 from her weekend job and bf’s DFather coughed up the balance as it was his choice of holiday.
Are you sure DS’s Dad is not going to give him the money? In any case, none of this is your problem IMO.

I'm in the US, so it's a bit different here. A 16 year old isn't considered an adult, so a parent would be on the hook for a debt they incurred. It's pretty damned rare here that the respective parents wouldn't have discussed who pays for what for a holiday. My parents usually allowed us to 'take a friend' on most of our holidays, but finances were always discussed with the parents beforehand.

I guess my only thing is that I would make sure that the other parents understand that if DS defaults, that I personally will NOT be taking over the debt. I'd consider it a matter of courtesy to speak to them directly and to avoid any future hassles. If the gf's parents are happy with that, then it's their look out.