AIBU not to pay for my 16 year olds holiday when I didn't agree to it?

[ThisMustBeMyDream]

I'm so cross and disappointed with this. My 16 year old DS has had a girlfriend for a few months. She's a lovely person, and the relationship has progressed sensibly. Up until now I haven't spoken to her parents as there was no real need to.
However, something seperate occured today, which prompted me to speak with them. As an aside they mentioned that My DS was going on holiday with them. It's booked and paid for and he has said he is paying them back. I asked how much it was for, and was told £600.

Now, my DS had mentioned about a holiday with her few weeks ago, but no more details were given. I asked him to find out more information and let me know. I did say to DS it was unlikely and I absolutely wouldn't be able to pay.

So he has gone agaisnt what I said, and the mum has told me it has been booked. No discussion with me prior. She has just taken the word of 16 year old DS.

I am in no way able to pay for or contribute to this holiday. DS has a job, he earns min wage for 16 year olds which is £4.20 ph. It will take him working 150 hours just to pay off a holiday that (let's face it, teenagers aren't the most reliable of relationship keepers) he may not even end up going on. He is at college, so his working hours are limited. It's 0 hours, and he takes what he can get which can be 0 or 12 hours a week.

I can't see how he can pay for it. I can't pay for it. AIBU to wash my hands of it and say it's between DS and the girlfriends mum to deal with?

As an aside note, he has a holiday with us and extended family booked 2 weeks later paid for by my dad, so there is no lack of holiday going on.

@mummy2017

I remember my DD trying too lumber me with £1200 for a 4 day school trip to New York.

Blimey, was it first class seats on the plane, and the Plaza hotel?

Me and DH went to NYC 3 years ago for 4 days and it cost less than a grand for both of us! (For the hotel AND the flights!)

@ThisMustBeMyDream

I would contact the parents and say you hope they know you haven't agreed to this, and you cannot pay the £600. I have to agree with pps that the girl's parents are pretty daft to have forked out this money for their daughter's boyfriend, without consulting his parents!

As an aside, I do find it odd that your son and his girlfriend have been together quite a few months and you have never spoken to her parents. Have you never dropped him off at her house? Have her parents never dropped her off at yours? Have neither of them ever stayed over at each others house? Have you never thought to ask if it's OK for him to go to hers/stay there?

How come you've never spoken to your son's girlfriend's parents/family? I'm not saying you have to be their BFFs or be in touch constantly, but it's rather odd to have not communicated with them at all IMO.

Let him deal with it. He isn't asking you to pay. Neither is the gf's mum.

It might take him a year or two to pay her back but if they are both ok with that, leave them to it.

You didn't agree to the trip and never promised to fund it.

So pleased you thought £1200 was taking the Micky..
We were shocked, seems 6 teachers had offered to go as well.. and we were paying.

*No, this is unfair on your DS and you. You would be right to get angry. I would suggest you speak to the other parents again and say you aren't happy they didn't speak to you first, DS doesn't have £600 to pay for this, and you don't want him risking his college course by working extra hours to cover this debt they have taken on for him, therefore neglecting his studying.

Say on reflection, you think it's best they cancel his place, you assume it's cancelable because obviously they haven't bothered to check with you if he can go yet - and you don't think he should.*

I agree with @Snowflake - see above.

It is not okay with her parents to saddle a 16yr old child who works very part time with a £600 debt. You need to talk to them calmly and politely but also you need to be honest with your son and tell him regardless of keeping him on track. If you and his dad can't pay then you can't pay and not sorting it out right now when you have become aware won't give you much of a leg to stand on if you try and do it later on. It's going to be unpleasant but you are going to have to do it and do it asap... Hopefully they and he will learn a lesson from this in the end.

This may have been an instance of him saving face, or immature wishful thinking.
Don't stress about it.
Have a chat with him and say yiu are very sorry but it is beyond your means, he must speak at once with his gf and family and explain he can't pay for the trip and neither can you.
Then take it from there.

Yes you say about things that you can legally do at age 16, for example I Was once reading a thread, about the anger of a mother finding out that a 17-year-old was sexually active. Everyone responded with “you should not let her as she is a minor”. Despite the age of consent being 16, therefore in my opinion if a 17 year old wants to have sex It should be up to them, as long as it’s legal.

I just think that people should respect the rights of this age group. If The government believes that this age group is mature enough to handle these responsibilities, society should as well.

@HoppityFrog3

Off topic but @gobbolinothewitchescat what a fantastic name, I LOVED gobbolino when I was little. I was going to call my kid gobbolino according to 4-5yr old me I've still got the tape & mag! (Storyteller, for anyone that doesn't know).

Just realised that you've spoken to the other mum already. I would call the mum and explain that you cannot afford it and its best to cancel his place. It would be best to do this sooner rather than later. I would not offer any money towards their loss, as you did not agree to the holiday.

So he is nearly 17 years old, he's not a child. have the other parents said in what timescales they expect it back ? They may be happy to wait the 40 weeks for it with regular small repayments, it will help to teach him how to budget and make repayments,

I don't see a problem with him committing to pay it back, the other parents will just have to wait if they do expect it paying back sooner. Has anyone actually asked you for a penny?

I do however find it strange that they happily booked him on the holiday without confirming with you,its ok for them to leave the country with him.

he likes with op hence he still has to abide certain rules-the other parents shold not have accepted it was ok with you without checking-he has a low paid low hours job and they should realise how long that will take him to pay back

you shold make it clear to them op there has been a mixup and you wont be able to cover it what they then do is up to them

In the 60s 70s and 80s we treated a 16 year old as an adult, now we treat a 16 you are old like a 5 year old. There is only two years between being 16 and 18.

Only some people treat 16 year olds as adults - no matter what the time period. I was 16 in the 1970s and I certainly wasn't treated like an adult - and didn't have adult responsibilities either. I had 2 more years of school left and was focused on studying and socialising while helping out in the house. I wouldn't lumber an 18 year old with the adult responsibilities of keeping themselves etc either if I could help it - would rather they were focusing on education or training. What is the rush to make a teenager independent and responsible for themselves. Their whole lives will involve this and it can be burdensome at times to be an adult- why does it have to start at 16 if you can avoid it?

Cherish123 insurance doesn't cover idiocy!

I'm with zenasfuck what the hell were they thinking?!

I was 16 in the 80's, absolutely not treated like an adult. Dd now 18 is an adult, but at 16 nope! I would not have stood for this pile of bullshit!

Gf parents and DS knew full well they should have properly discussed it with you before even thinking of booking!

Do not be pressured into paying for this.

It's always possible the parents know he won't be able to pay them back but would like him to go anyway, to keep their DD entertained.

It's not your debt, so you won't be expected to pay for it. Don't worry about it.

However, I suspect your DS won't have thought about spending money and it might fall to you to help out there. Maybe think about what you could manage and keep that aside in case he does ask, but otherwise leave them to it.

However, I suspect your DS won't have thought about spending money and it might fall to you to help out there. Maybe think about what you could manage and keep that aside in case he does ask, but otherwise leave them to it.

By which I mean you and his DF of course. This isn't and shouldn't be all on you to worry about.

You need to put this back on the other parents.

You can not let this become DS having to pay, as he'll "learn the lesson" at the expense of either his qualifications (taking on extra work) or at the expense of his ability to learn to drive - and while threads on here gets lots of MNers who live in Central London indignant at the idea that driving is a life skill, most people living in most parts of the country do see it as an important skill. It is a lot harder to learn to drive if you don't live at home and can't practice on Mum's car.

Call the girl friend's mum back. Say you've thought this over, and talked to DS, and he can't pay for it, his only way to pay for it is to forgo his driving lessons, and if it comes to that, you'll refuse him permission to go. That you aren't prepared to let him let his studies slide so he can take on extra work - and you can't afford to pay it for him, but that even if you could, you'd be reluctant to pay for this when they didn't consult you about it first.

Be clear, they need to either cancel his place, or pay for it for him, but you will not pay it and will not accept risking his long term employablilty to fix a problem they created.

I would keep out of it.
It seems to me to be between him and them

I can’t get over parents thinking they can take a child away when they’ve never met the other parents. It’s such a big thing to do. And what about passport or insurance? What if he hadn’t had a passport and needed to buy that on top of the cost of the holiday.

I’d also be cautious at their age that this will turn into a way to keep the relationship going even if either of them want to end it. Which obviously you can’t say to him, we all know how unbreakable relationships feel like at that age.

Does he have savings now? Regular outgoings? Has he paid them anything yet?

It’s that awkward age of wanting them to learn independence but ultimately knowing the buck still stops with you.

I left home at 16 so, you know, not all 16 year olds are like babies! Some are responsible...

Anyway I agree with you, definitely leave him to deal with this himself. More fool the girlfriend’s parents paying without consulting you to see if repayment is viable though.

Can’t his dad pay?

How did his dad know and you not? As in, do think it’s a miscommunication or has DS deliberately hid it from you?

But if he deals with it himself by taking on extra work to pay for it, using up his study time, and having to give up his plan to learn to drive as he can't afford the lessons? these things will have long term negative concequences for the OP's DS and no, he shouldn't "just deal with it", the adults involved need to fix this in a way that doesn't negatively effect a child long term.

OP - please speak to the other parents, make it clear they need to find a solution that's not "DS gives up his study time" or "DS gives up learning to drive".

The mum should have discussed it with you, especially since you are his legal guardian. Resist the urge to get involved, this is your son and his gf mother’s responsibility to resolve.

Now it is in jeapordy because another mum couldn't check something was okay with me before putting DS in to a financial commitment.

I think you're blaming the wrong person, your DS told the other Mum that you had agreed to it - she had no reason not to believe him.

Let your DS pay for it - if it takes him a year then it'll be a lesson learned. And if it means he doesn't learn to drive; so be it. It's called a life lesson.

If the OP steps in, he will keep on pulling this kind of stunt because the expectation is that mum will clear up his messes.

He shouldn't have been put in this position

I don’t think he would have been strong armed in to it.

Don’t pay a penny of it.

It’s the GF mums fault for not touching base with any one over it