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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to pay for my 16 year olds holiday when I didn't agree to it?

227 replies

ThisMustBeMyDream · 03/03/2019 18:08

I'm so cross and disappointed with this. My 16 year old DS has had a girlfriend for a few months. She's a lovely person, and the relationship has progressed sensibly. Up until now I haven't spoken to her parents as there was no real need to.
However, something seperate occured today, which prompted me to speak with them. As an aside they mentioned that My DS was going on holiday with them. It's booked and paid for and he has said he is paying them back. I asked how much it was for, and was told £600.

Now, my DS had mentioned about a holiday with her few weeks ago, but no more details were given. I asked him to find out more information and let me know. I did say to DS it was unlikely and I absolutely wouldn't be able to pay.

So he has gone agaisnt what I said, and the mum has told me it has been booked. No discussion with me prior. She has just taken the word of 16 year old DS.

I am in no way able to pay for or contribute to this holiday. DS has a job, he earns min wage for 16 year olds which is £4.20 ph. It will take him working 150 hours just to pay off a holiday that (let's face it, teenagers aren't the most reliable of relationship keepers) he may not even end up going on. He is at college, so his working hours are limited. It's 0 hours, and he takes what he can get which can be 0 or 12 hours a week.

I can't see how he can pay for it. I can't pay for it. AIBU to wash my hands of it and say it's between DS and the girlfriends mum to deal with?

As an aside note, he has a holiday with us and extended family booked 2 weeks later paid for by my dad, so there is no lack of holiday going on.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 03/03/2019 18:30

I’m surprised that the parents booked to take your son on holiday without talking to you and gaining your permission. He is a child still after all.
I would let them know that you hadnt agreed to it and that they should be aware that if DS doesn’t pay them back that you won’t be able to. Then they will know that they can’t come to you and I’d say to them I’d expect to be consulted in future

ny20005 · 03/03/2019 18:34

So what repayment agreement has he made ? If he just says he'd pay it & they've booked it on the day so of a 16 year old 🙄

Scarydinosaurs · 03/03/2019 18:35

I would call the parents back and say that £600 isn’t money he has to spend, and ask what they expect RE repayments?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 03/03/2019 18:35

As an aside - a minor cannot be held responsible for financial contracts, and neither are you financially responsible.

Normally MN posters come along with the mantra 'who does the inviting does the paying' - clearly this doesn't happen in the real world.

I would suggest your DS gets himself a summer holiday job - at 16 school finishes at latest on 30 June (GCSEs are over) that gives him until mid September (colleges go back later than schools) - fast food place - McDs ? Supermarket holiday cover ? he's got three and half months earning potential to exploit.

Iloveacurry · 03/03/2019 18:41

Good idea about a summer job, but it sounds like he’ll be on holiday for half of the summer!

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 03/03/2019 18:41

A 16 year can - in certain circumstances - enter into contractual agreements. Whether they have capacity will turn on the facts of each case. If they lack capacity, the parent isn't on the hook though unless they are party to the agreement which is clearly not the case here

I dont think we can really provide any more specific help though unless and until we know what the payment arrangements are and what OP's DS has said when they discussed it

titchy · 03/03/2019 18:42

So what did you say when the mum told you? Presumably you let her know you haven't given him permission and that neither he nor you can pay for it?

brownjumper · 03/03/2019 18:42

You say you've spoken to him but it would be helpful to explain what was said!

Did he expect you to pay?
Is he still expecting you to pay?
Have you said you will?
Have you said you won't?
If you've said you won't, what is he planning on doing? Cancelling or trying to figure out a payment plan?
Have you told the girls parents you are or are not paying?
What have they said?

Etc etc
If you want advice please give more details!!!

Aragog · 03/03/2019 18:44

at 16 school finishes at latest on 30 June

My DD is 16. She is in Y12. Term ends near the end of July.
OP says her ds is in college, so likely not GCSE year, so probably later than end June. Also he has other holiday commitments, so can't work for the whole of the summer.

Plus - in many places there really aren't all thees summer jobs knocking about offering 40 hours a week to teenagers.

caughtinanet · 03/03/2019 18:53

Firstly the girls parents are well out of order to not speak to you first about this, I can't imagine anyone I know assuming someone else's 16 could go on holiday without a conversation with the parents.

Secondly, all the people saying he can get extra work, that really depends where you live, I know many friends children of similar age struggle to get part time jobs and would be in no position to magically find someone to hire them for random 40 hours weeks in the school holidays.

Does the £600 include spending money or is that just the cost of the holiday, where are they going?

Helix1244 · 03/03/2019 18:54

Tbh i think other parents are completely unreasonable.
For trying to take a 16yo on holiday without permission.
£600 is a huge amount for 1 person!
Have the dc got a room rather than a couch. It's silly anyway as you said what if they break up.
I think it's very different from if he was financially independent. Possibly £100 without parental discussion.why do they think schools bother asking parents

diabeticsanon · 03/03/2019 18:57

where did the 40 hour week while at college come from peeps? op said in her opening post ds did 0 12 hours a week, it's zero hours, at mim wage Confused

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 03/03/2019 18:58

Aragog Most year 12 will finish in June though.

Lots of jobs for teens as they are cheap labour. If your village has a pub there will be something I bet.
Good for him working. However it puts you in a tricky position I agree. All you can do is speak to the other parents and explain the situation that you weren’t consulted and you would have said “ no” as you haven’t got spare money this year. And let them sort it.

NotANotMan · 03/03/2019 19:01

where did the 40 hour week while at college come from peeps?

Other posters saying he could pay it off in a few months if he works 40 hours a week

Darkstar4855 · 03/03/2019 19:02

I would stay out of it and leave it for him to sort out with his girlfriend’s parents, that way he will learn to be responsible fir the decisions he makes.

If he didn’t involve you in the decision then he shouldn’t expect you to be involved in paying for it.

Hisnamesblaine · 03/03/2019 19:08

I cant believe the other parents havent consulted with you!!!!!

OrdinarySnowflake · 03/03/2019 19:11

No, this is unfair on your DS and you. You would be right to get angry. I would suggest you speak to the other parents again and say you aren't happy they didn't speak to you first, DS doesn't have £600 to pay for this, and you don't want him risking his college course by working extra hours to cover this debt they have taken on for him, therefore neglecting his studying.

Say on reflection, you think it's best they cancel his place, you assume it's cancelable because obviously they haven't bothered to check with you if he can go yet - and you don't think he should.

OrdinarySnowflake · 03/03/2019 19:13

oh and no, I don't think you should leave it to him to sort out. Because if he does sort it by taking on extra work, it could impact on his study, and that is then your problem to sort - don't let him screw up his qualifications for some holiday with a girl as you said, probably won't be his long term partner.

Be the bad guy and say he can't go.

shiningstar2 · 03/03/2019 19:13

ThisMustBeMyDream Are you sure the girlfriend's parents were clear with him about what was involved? This is his first girlfriend and I get the feeling he might have half agreed or vaguely said he would speak to his mum but hasn't really made it clear the money might not be forthcoming?
Have the other parents gone ahead with the booking without him actually saying he could pay? He may have got himself into a bit of an embarrassing predicament and now can't see a way out? Maybe a bit carried away with the idea of the holiday with his girlfriend and has somehow managed to allow the other parents to think he...or you ...could pay?

He is young op ...and not very experienced. Could this be talked through and made into a learning experience for him. Has he any birthday money coming/ways to help out/could he borrow from you/grandparents on understanding its paid back?

Feel for you op ...but none of us are all that wise at 16. Hope he can learn from this without too much trauma for you all.

EssentialHummus · 03/03/2019 19:16

I'd leave him to sort out a repayment schedule (or not) with this family. You can't pay. No need to involve yourself further.

Believability · 03/03/2019 19:19

I think you need to give the other mum and ring and conf exactly what was arranged and take it from there. I’m extremely surprised they didn’t discuss it with you before booking anything and more to the point checking that you’re ok with him going away with them

Aragog · 03/03/2019 19:20

Aragog Most year 12 will finish in June though.

Really? Not round here. Our Y12s are mainly in schools and the term finishes at the same time as the rest of the schools - so towards the latter half of July. The colleges for 16-18y round here finish in July too.

Or do you mean year 11s after GCSEs? OP says her ds is in college, so post GCSE.

Whatchitsonny · 03/03/2019 19:22

YANBU to not pay.

Can you give more detail on what you discussed with him? What does he think is going to happen?

When you speak to the mum, ask if they can cancel him and just lose deposit or if someone else can go in his stead. Is it just flights he has to pay for? A bit unfair if they are also charging him for accomodation if he will be sharing with his gf as they would need to book that room anyway.

Aragog · 03/03/2019 19:23

Our local pubs won't employ under 18s at all, for any role.

Besides OP's ds already has a job. I really don't recommend a second job for a college kid, who should be focusing on their studies not on working.

Theimpossiblegirl · 03/03/2019 19:26

YANBU and he needs to pay for the holiday himself. I am surprised the other parents booked it with no discussion with you. Do they know what teens can be like at all?

Also, the issue of what will happen if they spilt needs to be raised.

Has he got things he can sell to help raise the cash? Thinking old phone, games, that kind of thing. If he has a birthday could he ask for money?