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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to pay for my 16 year olds holiday when I didn't agree to it?

227 replies

ThisMustBeMyDream · 03/03/2019 18:08

I'm so cross and disappointed with this. My 16 year old DS has had a girlfriend for a few months. She's a lovely person, and the relationship has progressed sensibly. Up until now I haven't spoken to her parents as there was no real need to.
However, something seperate occured today, which prompted me to speak with them. As an aside they mentioned that My DS was going on holiday with them. It's booked and paid for and he has said he is paying them back. I asked how much it was for, and was told £600.

Now, my DS had mentioned about a holiday with her few weeks ago, but no more details were given. I asked him to find out more information and let me know. I did say to DS it was unlikely and I absolutely wouldn't be able to pay.

So he has gone agaisnt what I said, and the mum has told me it has been booked. No discussion with me prior. She has just taken the word of 16 year old DS.

I am in no way able to pay for or contribute to this holiday. DS has a job, he earns min wage for 16 year olds which is £4.20 ph. It will take him working 150 hours just to pay off a holiday that (let's face it, teenagers aren't the most reliable of relationship keepers) he may not even end up going on. He is at college, so his working hours are limited. It's 0 hours, and he takes what he can get which can be 0 or 12 hours a week.

I can't see how he can pay for it. I can't pay for it. AIBU to wash my hands of it and say it's between DS and the girlfriends mum to deal with?

As an aside note, he has a holiday with us and extended family booked 2 weeks later paid for by my dad, so there is no lack of holiday going on.

OP posts:
Luna9 · 03/03/2019 20:09

You didn’t agree to anything so you don’t have to pay. It is her parents problem for agreeing something with a 16 year old and his problem if he agreed to it; teach him responsibility, if he can only pay it in two years then they will have to accept it and hopefully everyone will learn the lesson. I would not get involved. If her parents ever ask you for the money just say you were not consulted nor agree to anything. He is nearly an adult.

mummmy2017 · 03/03/2019 20:09

I remember my DD trying too lumber me with £1200 for a 4 day school trip to New York.
Told her she could go but not the one penny would I pay, as couldn't afford it.told her to get a job, she went mad at me
Never got a job, never got the trip.

wasgoingmadinthecountry · 03/03/2019 20:10

Am I the only one feeling for your poor ds? - yes I know it's a pain, but he probably got caught up in the moment and was so excited about the holiday abroad.

I remember my ds going away with a gf at that age. He had a fabulous time. Granted, he was invited and not expected to pay.

No.1 - get his dad to cough up
No 2 - can you help out with payments so he owes you and pays off gf's parents more quickly?

JustHereForThePooStories · 03/03/2019 20:10

I can’t believe they just booked a holiday to include a child without getting consent from the child’s parents.

YANBU

Hunter037 · 03/03/2019 20:12

Does he have christmas money / birthday money / savings he was planning to use.

I think really the parents are to blame. They should have spoken to you before booking it and especially when they knew the cost. He doesn't really seem to understand how much money it is, or perhaps wasn't told until after it had been booked, so he can't be held completely responsible.

flowery · 03/03/2019 20:13

”He shrugged his shoulders and wouldn't engage in anything beyond "I said I'd pay for it".”

Isn’t that the point at which you just leave him to it then? He’s not asked you to pay anything, or to help. If he won’t engage, leave him to work it out.

pallisers · 03/03/2019 20:16

The mum said "He assured me it was ok and we've booked it. I thought you knew. He said he was paying for it himself.. I now feel bad for not contacting you."

She should feel bad. I don't know anyone who would book something worth 600 on the word of a 16 year old. Or presume a parent would be ok with a 16 year old going on hols with a friend's family without even checking in with the parents.

I would be very firm on this. Say to her "well I cannot pay this and I doubt he can so this is a problem. Also I haven't agreed to him going on this holiday at all".

It is all very well to say 16 year olds can get married (with parental consent surely) but the reality is a 16 year old who is financially dependent shouldn't be making these kinds of commitment. And I wouldn't be happy with my 16 year old planning a holiday with a girlfriend anyway without any consultation. I appreciate that in MNland half the MNers seem to have been living in flats on their own or buying their own houses and financially independent at age 16/17/18 but that is not my experience at all - either 30+ years ago when I was that age or now when I have children that age.

Luna9 · 03/03/2019 20:17

Let him go and postpone his driving lessons if he has to; you can’t control everything, he needs to take responsibility and talk to his girlfriend parents on how and when realistically he can pay them back. Don’t stress, they were very naive and have to take responsibility too.

MangoPorridge · 03/03/2019 20:17

I don’t know if a long payment plan is a good idea – what if they break up? It would come full circle again.

starzig · 03/03/2019 20:23

I would go half and half.

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 03/03/2019 20:24

His dad and I are not together.

I am a single mum, with 3 kids, one with additional needs. I work just to pay childcare basically. To maintain a profeasional career so that when I don't have little ones, I can still earn a living.

Me, and the children have zero savings. Birthday and Christmas money isn't a thing here. Seems lots of kids get given money, but mine don't.
I am minus £100 a month in making enda meet, this won't end until September when my youngest starts school, and I no longer have ti pay for a nanny just so I can get to work. There is no money. I can't lend him some so he can pay me back.

OP posts:
cherish123 · 03/03/2019 20:24

I can't believe her parents booked this without asking you. He is only a child. Very awkward. If you really can't afford to pay, they may have to claim from their insurance.

LynetteScavo · 03/03/2019 20:25

Have another conversation with the GFs parents and explain you can't pay, and you don't think your DS will be able to pay for a long time.

It's then up to them whether they cancel his place or accept that they're paying for him.

Then you haven't been the one to say no.

The other parents have been foolish. Who even books to take someone else's child abroad without consulting their parents, checking they will have a valid passport etc.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 03/03/2019 20:26

I think you need to let him deal with this like the - almost - adult he is. My ds is just a few months younger, and is having his first holiday with friends this summer when they finish college. I'm giving him a bit towards it for his birthday, but he's having to come up with the rest. Does yours have anything he could sell? Mine just got £120 for an old games console he never uses.

I do think maybe the other parents should have spoken to you, but 16 is awkward, as some people see it as very much an adult (especially when they are at college rather than school) and some people very much a child.

Obviously the other option is to try to cancel for just the deposit lost.

cushioncuddle · 03/03/2019 20:33

It's not just the holiday booking. He'll need spending money too.
I would be furious with him. About the money but also not getting your permission whether he can go or not.
I would be furious with gf parents. Who books a holiday for your d bf when they are that age and only been going out a few months without discussing with his parents. Ridiculous.
I would be making it clear to the parents that I wasn't happy about their actions and the financial situation.

Notbarbie85 · 03/03/2019 20:34

I think this is a tricky one. Yes legally he’s still a child who will probably need a letter of consent to fly, however he could be working full time, living alone and a dad at his age so I don’t know if I would lay the blame with the parents for not checking.

seafoodudon · 03/03/2019 20:34

Don't be cross - just don't get involved. Your son hasn't asked you for the money, the parents haven't asked you either. If either set do ask you, you can politely decline.

Patr1ckJane · 03/03/2019 20:36

Could he work somewhere like Tesco’s? During my A levels I worked in Tesco 3 evenings a week on the deli counter and then a full Saturday shift and a Sunday. I early £440 a month (which was a fortune to a 16 yr old with no commitments!) o passed my A Levels with AAB and sometimes picked up waitressing shifts if I needed more cash....

zenasfuck · 03/03/2019 20:36

My son wouldn't be going. He's 16, not an adult so this should have been discussed with you and he should have asked for permission. If my 16 year old son did this, I'd be telling him he couldn't go because he hadn't discussed it with me and asked for permission

The other parents can suck up the cost for assuming that a 16 year old didn't need permission from his parents to leave the country with a family you have never met

Userplusnumbers · 03/03/2019 20:39

A tough one OP.

I think from the other point of view - he's 16, he's in college, he has a job, he's going to be learning to drive - why wouldn't the other parents believe him when he says it's ok? It's not like they're 8 and need someone else to coordinate.

I'd leave him to it personally - I think if he's old enough to work, he's old enough to make a financial commitment to a holiday. You can't pay, and it sounds like he's not committed you anyway, so why worry about it now? If it works out you've whipped yourself up over nothing, if it doesn't you go through it all again anyway - there's no point borrowing worry (as my grandmother would have said)

As an aside, the holiday that your DF has paid for - was that as a (family) discussion, or was it just booked and your DS informed, giving him the impression that holiday booking is one of those unilateral decisions, rather than one of those boundaries that needs to be renegotiated (on both sides)

Is there a possibility of his place on the other holiday being cancelled, and some of the money being 'gifted' to this one? Family Holidays at 16 can be excruciating.

Margot33 · 03/03/2019 20:40

I'd leave it now. Wait for the other mum to contact you. Just explain that you cannot afford it. She should have consulted with you before booking it!

PupsAndKittens · 03/03/2019 20:48

Why is it, every time there is a thread concerning a 16 or 17-year-old people always respond With “their legally a child”. While that is true they do have quite a lot of responsibilities and rights. I feel you should be giving that age group more freedom. In the 60s 70s and 80s we treated a 16 year old as an adult, now we treat a 16 you are old like a 5 year old. There is only two years between being 16 and 18.

In this situation, whilst I totally understand OP Financial situation, if DS claims he will be able to pay it back go with it. If you can’t he will learn the hard way.

As far as the law stands, A 16-year-old is legally allowed to fly without parental consent ( apart from South Africa and Romania but that there laws and not the UKs). They are also allowed to apply for a passport without parental consent.

Op, in this situation I would just let DS get on with it.

Eliza9917 · 03/03/2019 20:49

He shouldn't have been put in this position

He wasn't. He got himself in to it. I'd make him sort it himself.

PupsAndKittens · 03/03/2019 20:50

if he can’t

HoppityFrog3 · 03/03/2019 20:50

@PupsAndKittens

People say a 16 y.o. is still legally a child, because they ARE still legally a child.

Nor rocket science is it?