Aibu about this bridesmaid situation/fallout?

[Skysky1]

I’m engaged and have asked 2 of my closest friends to be bridesmaid, I do have a few other friends who I would I call close but I could only choose two because a) I couldn’t afford to take on anymore b) it’s going to be a small wedding and I would really like to keep it quite simple c) if I took any more bridesmaids on then I might aswell had taken all of my friends on as bridesmaid out of fear of Then leaving say 1 feeling isolatingly left out and I just could not afford to do that. That is the reason why I chose just two , but I will get to the reason as to why I asked the 2 that I did.
So I’ve been engaged for almost 2 years , now and then out of the blue last month I get a message from one of my friends, who happens to be my daughters godmother saying that she is upset and offended that she is not bridesmaid and she feels discriminated against because of her condition (she has a heart condition which makes her faint very often)
I call her back straight away, she didn’t answer so I messaged her to say ‘ that im really sorry that she feels this way and I can insure her that isn’t the case, and the truth is I know she has had a lot on her plate to deal with with her health and I felt that she has not been able to be around much to fulfill her role as a godmother (she has been godmother 8 years and has barely wished my daughter a happy birthday) and that I don’t hold that against her at all , as I know it just must be hard what she is going through , and with that in mind I would rather her just turn up on the day of the wedding as a guest, with no responsibilities and enjoy herself’
My friend in the past has also had to pull out of going to events due to her health and I would be worried about what effect that would have if she were to play an actual role in the wedding
After reading my message she responded that I was cruel and vindictive and how dare I be upset that she hasn’t been around when she has been so ill, basically told me she doesn’t want to speak to me again and blocked my number. This was a month ago now Ive tried on numerous times to speak with her but she has made it clear she doesn’t wish to speak to me.
I would just like to get some unbiased opinions on this , as I feel like she is clearly hurt which I never intended, I value and love her immensely but I do feel my reasons were justifiable

Mummy just ignore the me-railers.

Where's the OP? Still planning this 'small' wedding after over 2 years ? What duties are so involved in that for a bridesmaid - staging flashmobs? Directing the crowdfunding pages? PR and managing the press?

@LunaFortJest How dare someone be so rude..

Because this is a public internet forum and everyone is entitled to their opinion. If you say something that another person disagrees with, they have every right to tell you.

I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time. However, so are many other people and it doesn’t entitle you to special treatment, I’m afraid.

Thank you Mummyoflittledragon, and I am sorry for what you are going through, it sounds like your family are not at all supportive and that is a very unfair thing for you. While I may not have a chronic disability myself, it is unfair of you suggest I have no understanding of disability when is what your comments told me. My dad would often say that she (I) have more understanding of his disability than he did, and that he feels for me as I am the one who has to see him like that and do all the work and he felt it was far worse on me, caring and the emotional toll. His specialist said that it is usually the way. All I am saying is that it is very insensitive to belittle carers and they work they do. We may not have a disability, but we by defacto experience a lot, and certainly emotionally feel a lot.

Engaged for 2 years with a kid already? Sounds like the whole bridesmaid issue is pointless, when are you actually getting married? You're well into adulthood, seems a bit silly to be having all these bridesmaid disputes and angst, just go get married. 2 years for this 'small wedding' and it still hasn't happened? 

I can't see one reason as to why it would be relevant or of your concern as to why I have had a child before having my wedding.

Condolences for your father Luna.

and I am prone to bursting into tears when people talk about disabilities.

Hmmmm, really?

I have noticed a habit Mumsnetters have of avoiding talking to CFs or outright avoiding telling the truth. Neither does the person any favours, it only enables and excuses the CFs. So I am not surprised to see people on here saying you should have lied and avoided the truth.

She has already shown she is unreliable.

She appears to add nothing to your life or her GC's life. I would suggest, walk away. If that's how she wants it. She is barely there for you in your life anyway. Is it really a loss? I would think not.

Forget her. If she is worth anything at all

Her disability has little to do with this.

I know far more about disability than someone like you could ever know. Which is precisely why I resent people like yourself throwing it around as an excuse.

as you seem able to read and write, articulate and be on here, many disabled can't - that I know more about severe bed-ridden disability than you ever will. So shoo.

Sure, sure.

Your words speak volumes and you have attacked a member who has told you they are disabled.

Your posts reveal you don't give a tiny shit about the disabled, so to quote YOU, shoo.......

Skysky1 - are the other two bridesmaids also godparents or something? Could you not have said that your friend already has confirmation of her importance to you as she is godmother to your dd, and you wanted other friends to know they were important, too (and that it shouldn't be a competition - all your close friends are important to you, but the wedding is too small to prove that to all of them by having multiple bridesmaids)? Could you not have asked her why she needed yet more proof of her importance to you when she was already a godmother? Unless you wanted to fall out with her, your response was weird.

I've not RTFT but I do think you should have answered your friend with the reasons you picked the bridesmaids you did, rather than why you didn't pick her, you kind of made it worse by doing that.

You were daft to even be honest about her health conditions in your reply. It was what she was criticising you for and you basically confirmed it!
You should have just stuck with either “Im keeping my wedding small and uncomplicated” or “you haven’t actually done the roll of godparent well enough” (if you really want aggravation!).

By the way I’m supporting your decision, you can have whoever you like and not give reason.

I have been missed out as bridesmaid many times. Some of those times it has really really hurt to be honest. I have never once asked the bride or acted like it upset me! I am embarrassed for your friend for even addressing it!!

Luna
Thanks for your message. I imagine your father was not a young man. As we age we accept death far easier so I can understand how he thought as he did. I think you cannot take what your fathers specialist to apply to everyone else, who is disabled / needing constant care. No one can really understand how it feels unless they’ve been both cared and cared for.

I’ve been as I am for coming up to a decade. I was a young woman with a very young child when I fell ill and in a very different position to that of your father. Ops friend is also young I imagine. Very different from someone young or middle aged.

I understand you have been through a lot. But if you understood as much as you say you do you really wouldn’t have said what you did in your post. Your fathers friends probably thought he was too much of a pain or putting it on so didn’t want to bother about him.

How would you feel if someone had said those things about your father?

I'm sorry you went through what you did with your father, @LunafortJest and I'm sorry for your loss. It's hard on a different way being a carer, it's really hard to watch a loved one going through life unable to do things which the rest of us take for granted. And it must have been exhausting. 

But there's still no comparison between your father's illness and long-term disabilities as the OP's friend or what @Mummyoflittledragon has described. I'm sorry, there really isn't.

I might just as well say that I know what it's like to be adopted because I'm an adoptive mum. But of course I don't know what it's like to have been separated from their birth parents.

My DD1 is also hearing impaired and has very little sight in one eye. DH and I do our best to support her, but it would be ridiculous to claim that I know what it's like for her.

OP, I really think you should have kept the reasons for not choosing your friend to be a BM to yourself. All you needed to say was that you only wanted two BMs; it was entirely your call who you choose to be BM, and it wouldn't have been better to leave it at that.

My dad would often say that she (I) have more understanding of his disability than he did, and that he feels for me as I am the one who has to see him like that and do all the work and he felt it was far worse on me, caring and the emotional toll. His specialist said that it is usually the way.

Luna, you are obsessed with your own self importance. Everything is about you.

And yes, caring is extremely hard, harder then having to live inside a body that doesn't function every single day of your life? Most likely not.

And that was just your father, maybe massaging your ego that you clearly have. Because the most common theme of being disabled, and as someone who is I have the position to say this, is that it's isolating, that nobody can understand how you feel, and people are not understanding of you and your difficulties.

Just these two lines of the many disparaging things you have said about disabled people show you do not understand the disabled, and certainly not more than those who ARE disabled...

*Forget her. If she is worth anything at all

Her disability has little to do with this.*

I wouldn't give it a second thought OP, enjoy your Wedding

While I wouldn’t dream of causing the fuss she has, I do understand how she feels to a certain extent. I wasn’t invited to be bridesmaid at my best friends wedding, she chose people she met at college 10 years after our friendship began which hurt. I never brought it up with her as I wanted her to have a fab day. The fact she has questioned you is rude in itself, and as she doesn’t fill her godmother role as much as you’d like she’s a bit cheeky to expect to be bridesmaid. It’s your wedding so your choice don’t feel you have to explain or apologise to anyone.

I really wish there was the option of blocking users on here.

My dad would often say that she (I) have more understanding of his disability than he did, and that he feels for me as I am the one who has to see him like that and do all the work and he felt it was far worse on me, caring and the emotional toll. His specialist said that it is usually the way

No. Absolutely not. Possibky with the elderly but I’m not sure even then. Being a carer does not rob you of your 24/7, or your ability to have relationships, a family or a future. Your dad’s specialist was saying what would make you feel better.

My friends and family are suffering too of course and their lives won’t be the same again but they do have a future.

I genuinely don't understand how anyone can say they think they have more understanding of living with a disability because they cared for someone, than the person actually living with it does, with a straight face? I mean, how totally self absorbed can one person be?

Sorry my response was a bit emotional. It was just a hard de-rail to read.

Luna you've made this thread all about you and turned it into a joke. You don't know what it is like to live with a disability. You know what it is like to care for someone with a disability. There is a huge difference.

I don't know how Luna can claim with a straight face that she knew more than her father what it's like to be disabled? He was blind! She can see, so by definition how can she know what it's like to not be able to see??

Surprised at the amount of posters who insist they know who has the worse type of mh! Perhaps Luna has their own way of coping? It doesnt involve informing people of every detail? Plus to the pp who told Luna to hide the thread!? Out of order!

Plus to the pp who told Luna to hide the thread!? Out of order!

Why? With C-PTSD I find some threads and/or posts triggering. If I sense it’s going to upset me or anger me too much, I ignore or hide and move on. Easier all round. It’s not out of order to suggest hiding a thread if it’s clearly making someone react in a very emotional (and sometimes disproportionate) way.

Surprised at the amount of posters who insist they know who has the worse type of mh!

I don't believe one person said who has the worst MH.

I think the objection came with Luna saying she understood completely what it was like to be disabled, and then said it was the same, if not far worse to be a carer. Caring has it's own struggles, it is not the same at all, and to be FAR worse, well........

@IHateUncleJamie you make that choice. To be told to do it is patronising. Its pretty much saying because of your assumed issues you should not comment on this thread. I thought that was a cheap shot. Especially when you consider the point of the op.

Fuck that shit! What a rude, entitled baggage - AND playing the woe is me discrimination card. Be glad she’s not going to be your bridesmaid, you’ve had a lucky escape!!

She has a sense of entitlement based on her selfish needs! Your best shut of her. It's your wedding. NOT hers. I know your hurt however she has done you a favour.

She has nothing to offer you and the relationship is one way, with you helping and understanding her. It will time to get over the hurt however you need to let her go. She isn't a friend.

It's NOT her wedding. Its yours. Now go and enjoy it