Aibu about this bridesmaid situation/fallout?

[Skysky1]

I’m engaged and have asked 2 of my closest friends to be bridesmaid, I do have a few other friends who I would I call close but I could only choose two because a) I couldn’t afford to take on anymore b) it’s going to be a small wedding and I would really like to keep it quite simple c) if I took any more bridesmaids on then I might aswell had taken all of my friends on as bridesmaid out of fear of Then leaving say 1 feeling isolatingly left out and I just could not afford to do that. That is the reason why I chose just two , but I will get to the reason as to why I asked the 2 that I did.
So I’ve been engaged for almost 2 years , now and then out of the blue last month I get a message from one of my friends, who happens to be my daughters godmother saying that she is upset and offended that she is not bridesmaid and she feels discriminated against because of her condition (she has a heart condition which makes her faint very often)
I call her back straight away, she didn’t answer so I messaged her to say ‘ that im really sorry that she feels this way and I can insure her that isn’t the case, and the truth is I know she has had a lot on her plate to deal with with her health and I felt that she has not been able to be around much to fulfill her role as a godmother (she has been godmother 8 years and has barely wished my daughter a happy birthday) and that I don’t hold that against her at all , as I know it just must be hard what she is going through , and with that in mind I would rather her just turn up on the day of the wedding as a guest, with no responsibilities and enjoy herself’
My friend in the past has also had to pull out of going to events due to her health and I would be worried about what effect that would have if she were to play an actual role in the wedding
After reading my message she responded that I was cruel and vindictive and how dare I be upset that she hasn’t been around when she has been so ill, basically told me she doesn’t want to speak to me again and blocked my number. This was a month ago now Ive tried on numerous times to speak with her but she has made it clear she doesn’t wish to speak to me.
I would just like to get some unbiased opinions on this , as I feel like she is clearly hurt which I never intended, I value and love her immensely but I do feel my reasons were justifiable

Dont blame her really, having ling term illness shows you who the real arseholes are and who your friends are.

This 1000 times over really.

I don't blame you for not choosing her to be a bridesmaid giving how she's not been the godmother you expected but I think it was unnecessary and foolhardy to criticise her as a godmother even if it's the truth and not expect such a reaction from her and then blame her health as well.

I don’t think you were particularly harsh OP, she asked a question, you gave an honest answer. It obviously wasn’t the answer she wanted to hear, but the your truth is your truth. I guess maybe she is angry with the world in general and is reacting to you like this because of that. Not sure if you can make this better now though, unless she calms down a bit over the situation and is willing to talk rationally.

but I can assure you, as you seem able to read and write, articulate and be on here, many disabled can't - that I know more about severe bed-ridden disability than you ever will. So shoo.

Right there.

You've just shown exactly how ignorant you are of disabilities. Anything else you have to say is invalidated by your sheer lack of understanding or respect of the disabled.

You sound like the type to say someone cannot use a blue badge spot as they can get out of their car!

Christ almighty Luna how fucking rude are you? How dare you talk to mummy like that. I've seen you on several threads and your air of self importance and self-righteousness practically enters the thread before your text arrives.

Thanks ladies. A while back I would have been in tears by such vile comments. Yes, I’ve also seen the abrasive comments on other threads. Luna’s posts say more about her then they do about me.

@bethy15 Bethy I am sorry your mother is insensitive, not everyone's carer is like that. Being a carer especially for family, is, as recognised by many health professionals is in many ways as difficult if not more so than the person who has a disability. It involves an emotional aspect, as well as the organisation. It takes a toll on the carer especially if they are related. It is never easy at all to see your father so vulnerable, there is always a heartache. Which is why health professionals also suggest counselling for the family members and carer.
Mummyoflittledragon didn't say she was disabled, until after I had said I was a carer. In response to her self-righteous, smug and quite nasty jibe at me, without her knowing me, suggesting I know 'nothing' about disabilities. Go back and read their first post to me. I responded in kind. She doesn't know me yet gambled on me not knowing anything about disabilities, then ratcheted up their hostility to me after learning I did.

To be honest, I think both of you were being U. I don't think it was at all U for you to select only two bridesmaids; and I think it was cheeky and inappropriate for her to make a fuss about it. A wedding is about the marriage, not about who gets which role in the ceremony; and she should not act like a literal drama queen competing for a star role in a film. However, I think that you should not have brought up her health issues or her supposed failings in the role of godmother when explaining why she was not chosen. That would be very hurtful to anyone, especially someone already fearful about rejection over their health issues. I think you should just have just said that you could only have two bridesmaids, and were sorry than not every good friend could be included; and repeated this - with the added statement that the decision has been made and cannot be changed any more - if she pestered you about it again. If there are problems that need to be addressed about her performance of her godmother role, these should have been raised separately and not linked with the bridesmaid issue.

This is Mummyoflittledragon's dig at me the first time:

"Lunafort
I take it you have no clue what it is like to be disabled and abandoned by people."

So she made an assumption about me, someone who only very recently lost my FATHER. Who was completely blind (meaning, could not see a single thing, 0 vision). So excuse me if my emotions are raw. Strange how people only have feeling for one person on here, who picked a fight with me, and not me who was attacked then defended myself.

Well, as I tell my son, if someone is a dick to you, responding in kind makes you a dick too. So, be better than them and don't be an asshole.

Or words to that effect.

OP, while I feel your friend was wrong to press you on not being a bridesmaid, your response to her showed that you have been keeping a list in your head of her perceived failings (or in your head, 'justified') and you didn't miss your chance to hit her with them! You need to let the friendship go now, she's blocked you because of your response to her question which showed that you haven't thought much of her for some time anyway. No winners on either side here, unfortunately

When you've not long ago buried your father, who was completely bedridden for the past 2 years, and some rude person on here insinuates you know nothing about disability, how would you feel? How would you react?

Luna, you show the exact insensitivity of many of the able bodied who believe they know everything about disabilities as they care for someone.

It's not true, and I've pointed out your ignorance. Just because you cared for your father does not mean you understand everything about being disabled, as evidenced by your post highlighting she was able to post here.

You are incredibly rude and seem to lack quite a lot of compassion towards the disabled as you did to Mummytoalittledragon and the disabled person in this situation too.

Wow, I was with you until your telling your ill friend that she hasn't been there enough for your daughter.

True @BlackCatSleeping it is just that we only buried my father around 5 weeks ago. My emotions are still raw, and I am prone to bursting into tears when people talk about disabilities. Though her comment just made me angry that time. How dare someone be so rude as to insist I don't know anything about disability? She had no right to say that and doesn't even know me. She has no knowledge of just what I have been through. None at all. To make a snide rude comment, then act like I was rude is a nerve.

@bethy15 I never said I know 'everything' about disability. Mummyoflittledragon picked a fight with me. Did you miss that? They made a very rude and insensitive remark, I would say for a person with a disability they are extremely rude and insensitive themselves.

Get back in your box Luna. Both on this thread and the overseas wedding one you seem quite determined to make it all about you.

motherofcreek So you just carry on having fake relationships then, where neither tells the truth? If that's how you want to live your life, good on ya. Glad I don't waste time like that

No. I have the emotional intelligence to be able to put my point across with out burning bridges with people I care about.

She is still her friend lunar - she wants her at her wedding.

You sound so angry

Are you religious? If not what exactly is the role of a godmother?

Luna
I am sorry your father died and your emotions are raw. As others have pointed out you have no clue what it is like to actually be chronically ill / disabled / abandoned.

Your attitude and comments are so similar to those of my mother and brother to me that it’s chilling. I have been screamed at, threatened with violence and the last time I saw my brother he purposely physically hurt me because apparently I’m not disabled. My stepfather was unable to move or feed himself for many years. He was peg fed for the last few years of his life.

They like you, think they understand disability because she cared for him. My mother has btw finally accepted my disability. But the comparisons continue.

There's a bit of detailing going in here, with the very serious debate between mummy and Luna & few others. Which is about some very valid points - I wonder folks if you could take that onto another thread to give air if need be?

Back to OP.
-.

I initially thought 'oh not a great text reply'. But you then explained she'd been needling you. And you were just honest. Uninvolved godmother + constant flake outs =/= unreliable bridesmaid. Can't disagree with that really.

Leave your friend to it, as you've a wedding to focus on. It's not about her. And she was rude and entitled to demand a reason she wasn't chosen as bridesmaid, (especially when you're only having two!! )

She'll come round or not depending g on how much she values your friendship.

derailing not detailing. Stupid autocorrect

Luna
And no I did not pick a fight. In response to your vitriol I made a well judged assumption, which you confirmed is a factually correct statement.

I suggest you hide this thread as well it is doing little for your mental health.

Bedhampton
It’s not how threads work. Do you really think I’m going to start another thread about lunas comments? That wouldn’t be acceptable and would be bullying.