Aibu about this bridesmaid situation/fallout?

[Skysky1]

I’m engaged and have asked 2 of my closest friends to be bridesmaid, I do have a few other friends who I would I call close but I could only choose two because a) I couldn’t afford to take on anymore b) it’s going to be a small wedding and I would really like to keep it quite simple c) if I took any more bridesmaids on then I might aswell had taken all of my friends on as bridesmaid out of fear of Then leaving say 1 feeling isolatingly left out and I just could not afford to do that. That is the reason why I chose just two , but I will get to the reason as to why I asked the 2 that I did.
So I’ve been engaged for almost 2 years , now and then out of the blue last month I get a message from one of my friends, who happens to be my daughters godmother saying that she is upset and offended that she is not bridesmaid and she feels discriminated against because of her condition (she has a heart condition which makes her faint very often)
I call her back straight away, she didn’t answer so I messaged her to say ‘ that im really sorry that she feels this way and I can insure her that isn’t the case, and the truth is I know she has had a lot on her plate to deal with with her health and I felt that she has not been able to be around much to fulfill her role as a godmother (she has been godmother 8 years and has barely wished my daughter a happy birthday) and that I don’t hold that against her at all , as I know it just must be hard what she is going through , and with that in mind I would rather her just turn up on the day of the wedding as a guest, with no responsibilities and enjoy herself’
My friend in the past has also had to pull out of going to events due to her health and I would be worried about what effect that would have if she were to play an actual role in the wedding
After reading my message she responded that I was cruel and vindictive and how dare I be upset that she hasn’t been around when she has been so ill, basically told me she doesn’t want to speak to me again and blocked my number. This was a month ago now Ive tried on numerous times to speak with her but she has made it clear she doesn’t wish to speak to me.
I would just like to get some unbiased opinions on this , as I feel like she is clearly hurt which I never intended, I value and love her immensely but I do feel my reasons were justifiable

Hi ladies thanks for your responses , just reading through now
Can I just add that I felt I was pushed to give a more detailed response as to why she wasn't Bridesmaid , as not only did she say to me a few months before 'why am I not bridesmaid' to which I have an evasive response but also in her message she was insinuating that it was because I would be embarrassed of her fainting walking down the aisle, she implied it was the physicality of her that had stopped me asking her and I had to clarify that it was not it was her lack of involvement in other roles, being an indicator that she would likely be exactly the same for any bridesmaid roles. I didn't set out to hurt her in my response.

I think your response to her was too wordy and you should have left out the bit about her godmothering not being up to scratch.

A simple ‘I only wanted two bridesmaids and am really sorry that it has made you sad, but I really would love to see you at the wedding’ would have done.

She is out of line. Being bridesmaid isn’t that huge big deal. I wouldn’t care if my friend didn’t ask me, as long as I was invited to the wedding!

Anyway, this is your wedding. Ask who you like! Sounds to me like she was spoiling for a fight anyway. First telling you she felt discriminated against, and then attacking you over the reply, that kind of aggression is not something I’d want to be putting up with in the lead up to my wedding.

Why do people embarrass themselves like this? As if anyone would say 'ok be my bridesmaid now you've guilted me into it with your poor me routine'
Off you fuck drama queen.

I don’t think you should have mentioned the Godmother thing at all. It’s not relevant. It was just as you say...you could only have two and you chose the two you did because you had reason to. I have no idea why you chose to expand on the Godmother theme.
I can see why she took it as a snub. The tone might have been polite and even warm...but the message is “You’re a useless Godmother, why would I ask you to be my bridesmaid?”

Your response wasn't very kind. I think you should have worded the whole thing much better.

But, what is the point of this thread? Just to make you feel better about the whole thing?

I think you should apologise, but it sounds like the friendship is beyond repair anyway.

What did you think would be the outcome though? You sent a very harsh reply and that would have made anyone go on the defensive. We’re you trying to break the friendship?

@Motherofcreek So you just carry on having fake relationships then, where neither tells the truth? If that's how you want to live your life, good on ya. Glad I don't waste time like that. Life is too short. Honesty is always the best policy. And true honest friends are too precious.

Yes, we understand that you didn’t set out to hurt her. You’ve compounded the issue by giving such a blunt response. As many people have said, less is more. You didn’t owe her a reason even if she asked for one. I don’t think you should have lied. But rather given her reassurances that she’s a good friend and you’re sorry she’s upset.

Therefore I disagree with a couple of pps, who said you did the right thing by calling out a cf. Your friend was hurt rather than a cf and all you really did in this particular situation was add fuel to the fire. Sometimes we have to have more emotional intelligence than the people we are addressing and know when to call out behaviour and when to give them the reassurance. Of course she was unreasonable for asking in the first place. However she’s disabled. Disability is really shit. And it’s really shit to feel or be made to feel different because of it.

Lunafort
I take it you have no clue what it is like to be disabled and abandoned by people.

Q

Those who say the Godmother role was not relevant clearly haven't read her OP and follow-up post. It is clearly relevant to her. It might not be relevant to you, but to the OP it is. It is a very fair point. If you can't be arsed in even saying hello to your Goddaughter, then why sign up for it unless as someone said above that it's only for bragging rights?

Some people on here may think being a Godparent is all a joke and just a title. I can assure you that other people, including people of faith (I am not suggesting the OP is, btw), do take it seriously.

@Mummyoflittledragon Her disability has little to do with this. Secondly, as a carer of 12 years for my late completely blind father, who had friends taper off seeing him when he went completely blind, I know far more about disability than someone like you could ever know. Which is precisely why I resent people like yourself throwing it around as an excuse.

Luna it was me who said it wasn’t relevant. I’m not doubting that it’s meaningful to OP...but I don’t think that was the occasion to air it.

Far better and simpler to say “I chose A&B as the bridesmaids because X&Y reasons” than “You didn’t make the cut because Godmother.”

If the text was as you said in the op then she never mentioned it was about the physical side of her health issues. Just it was because of her illness. Your reply confirmed that was part of the reason which is obviously upsetting and has made her re evaluate your friendship.

As for your reason. What exactly did you expect from a godparent? Because as a pp said the traditional role is to pray for and spiritually guide the child. You say she has hardly wished a happy birthday so she has wished happy birthday just not how you expected? What other jobs were you expecting her to do and did you make it clear when she took the role what those were?

Yes she shouldn't have asked you about it but it yes you could have handled it better I don't think there is a way back from this though! I'm not sure what you wanted from this thread but I think you could have handled it better if that's what your after!

discrimination at not being chosen to be bridesmaid.

She’s high maintenance. You exacerbated the problem by raising the fact she hasn’t been an active godmother. You could have just left it as ‘I’d rather you attended as a guest and enjoyed yourself without any worries’.

Lunafort
Sorry to burst your self righteous bubble. I actually know far more than you. Being disabled is very different from caring for a disabled person. I’m disabled. I also have a disabled badge. What a childish and immature comment.

I think "I can only afford two and tbh we've not seen that uch of each other lately. I picked two friends who I see fma lot and who have time to be involved" would have been kinder than "I let you be a god mother and yo u were crap at it so no way are you being a bridesmaid"

Sleeping
I’d not use that explanation either. She may not have the energy to see people often. Because of chronic illness and disability I see very little of friends. I’ve been dropped by many people and now I’ve learnt to hide how ill I actually am to all but a couple of people. If someone said they didn’t choose me because they’d seen very little of me I’d be incredibly hurt.

I think these ppl saying u were too harsh is ridiculous-she's being selfish and I understand that she said I'm your daughters godparent so I shud be a bridesmaid as a cheek-considering she hasn't bothered being a godparent to your daughter.
It's your wedding and your right to have who you want.
Enjoy your day and worry no more about her. She should apologise to you for putting herself before your happiness on your special day. Also you think quite seriously when you pick a godparent but sumtimes pick the wrong person.
My dd godparents have never really bothered at all.
Such is life

I think the majority of people on receiving your text would be hurt and angry. It was horrible and you really should think about how you speak to people. It's no wonder she has blocked you.

Bridesmaid duties?

I'm sorry, but really, how much is there to do? And with two others and knowing your friend has such a bad heart problem, couldn't you just assign those duties to the other two and just leave her to wear a pretty dress and stand with you at the alter?

Honestly, you are entitled to want who you want, but to turn it into her illness as you have is exactly what she feared, that you was judging her on her disability. Which does make what you did really shitty and I completely understand her not wanting to talk with you at all.

Caring for someone is completely different from being it yourself.

I am disabled, my mother cares for me and she can be incredibly insensitive to certain aspects of how my disability affects me, especially the mental aspects of it.

I can't get over the ego of someone to suggest they know more then a disabled person will ever know as they are a carer of a blind person. Wow!

*I think these ppl saying u were too harsh is ridiculous-she's being selfish and I understand that she said I'm your daughters godparent so I shud be a bridesmaid as a cheek-considering she hasn't bothered being a godparent to your daughter.
It's your wedding and your right to have who you want. *

No the friend didn't mention being a godparent the op did. The friend said she was upset as she felt she wasn't picked to be a bridesmaid as she has an illness. The op then confirmed it bringing up the godparent roles.

It's still the ops choice and she can still do what she wants but I want to hear what is expected of the friend as a godparent before I judge her lack of commitment.

Engaged for 2 years with a kid already? Sounds like the whole bridesmaid issue is pointless, when are you actually getting married? You're well into adulthood, seems a bit silly to be having all these bridesmaid disputes and angst, just go get married. 2 years for this 'small wedding' and it still hasn't happened?

I'm sorry, but really, how much is there to do?

Plenty, these days! You are expected to organise the hen night, which is likely to be a holiday abroad, for a start. You also have to focus solely on the bride on the day so that she feels like a princess.