Aibu about this bridesmaid situation/fallout?

[Skysky1]

I’m engaged and have asked 2 of my closest friends to be bridesmaid, I do have a few other friends who I would I call close but I could only choose two because a) I couldn’t afford to take on anymore b) it’s going to be a small wedding and I would really like to keep it quite simple c) if I took any more bridesmaids on then I might aswell had taken all of my friends on as bridesmaid out of fear of Then leaving say 1 feeling isolatingly left out and I just could not afford to do that. That is the reason why I chose just two , but I will get to the reason as to why I asked the 2 that I did.
So I’ve been engaged for almost 2 years , now and then out of the blue last month I get a message from one of my friends, who happens to be my daughters godmother saying that she is upset and offended that she is not bridesmaid and she feels discriminated against because of her condition (she has a heart condition which makes her faint very often)
I call her back straight away, she didn’t answer so I messaged her to say ‘ that im really sorry that she feels this way and I can insure her that isn’t the case, and the truth is I know she has had a lot on her plate to deal with with her health and I felt that she has not been able to be around much to fulfill her role as a godmother (she has been godmother 8 years and has barely wished my daughter a happy birthday) and that I don’t hold that against her at all , as I know it just must be hard what she is going through , and with that in mind I would rather her just turn up on the day of the wedding as a guest, with no responsibilities and enjoy herself’
My friend in the past has also had to pull out of going to events due to her health and I would be worried about what effect that would have if she were to play an actual role in the wedding
After reading my message she responded that I was cruel and vindictive and how dare I be upset that she hasn’t been around when she has been so ill, basically told me she doesn’t want to speak to me again and blocked my number. This was a month ago now Ive tried on numerous times to speak with her but she has made it clear she doesn’t wish to speak to me.
I would just like to get some unbiased opinions on this , as I feel like she is clearly hurt which I never intended, I value and love her immensely but I do feel my reasons were justifiable

I think you explained well to us why you only wanted two but then didn't say that to her and instead said she wasn't chosen because she was a flakey godmother. You would have been better off saying the reasons for only wanting two and it was hard to choose but health was not an issue and you were sorry she was hurt but unfortunately you had to stick to two.

Hate this sort of attitude. It's your wedding ffs you make the choices. Why does she think she's entitled to be bridesmaid?

Besides if she's willing to end the friendship on such a whim like this she's obviously not a close friend anyway and so you've done the right thing by not asking her. I wouldn't go chasing, she sounds like a pain in the arse.

Well, she's right isn't she? The message you sent her was basically 'I'm not having you as a bridesmaid due to your health'. I can see why she was upset.

Er, because they're meant to be friends. Depends how cavalier you want to be surg your friendships I suppose.

FWIW, I am godmother to a now 23? (yikes) year old. I don't know her birthday, but she's my friend on FB!
Dd's godmother was given the honour because dd wouldn't have been here without her. She remembers birthdays and Christmas lol. She has told me that she has written her into her will (bless). In choosing the Godmother for dd, it was very much an honorary role in my mind, rather than a lifetime commitment. Genuinely, dd would not be here if it wasn't for her godmother (long story, abortion considered, godmother enabled me to have her).

I think you were nasty to your friend and I would not expect her to speak to you again.

What is it about weddings that seems to bring out the worst in people?

Give her not a second thought. She’s turned your wedding into a thng about her and how horrible you are. Is that the action of a friend? No.

So you don't want her to be bridesmaid because she doesn't give your child enough attention? And you've been waiting for an opportunity to address this?

What you could have politely said was 'Hey Linda, you were my first choice for BM but I can only afford 2. My other 2 friends don't have the responsibility I've given you of being godmother so I thought I'd give them the chore, and I really thought you deserved to have a day out to enjoy yourself, rather than being saddled with another role'.

Job done. Nobody offended.

I think the OP has either zero emotional intelligence or actually wanted to pick a fight.

I hope some of the posters here don't work in client facing roles. Actually, I KNOW you couldn't possibly. Tact is maybe one of the graces you might acquire.......

@LunafortJest there is a way to deal with things and people. The want-to-bridesmaid made clear her upset at not being chosen. The op has 2 reasons for not selecting her - 1 that was not hurtful or particularly offensive/personal and another that takes something the person is sensitive about and uses it to make her feel bad. What pp's are saying is that if she wanted to be sensitive to a friends feelings selecting the less personal reason would have been better. Not being dishonest. The op clearly does have an issue with the lack of a role bing played as godparent.

The op was direct but she made a choice as to how to explain her bridesmaid selection and they have taken it badly. Everyone has a right to their feelings - if she doesn't come to the wedding that's her choice.

Bit harsh to tell her she's been a crap godmother due to her health. You could have said it without saying it's because she's not well. Why not just tell her it's a small wedding, you wanted just two bridesmaids so had to choose two? Why bring her health into it?

I think that she isn't a close friend anymore, if she hadn't wished your daughter a happy birthday in 8 years! She's got the hump so leave her to it. Stop chasing after her. I had a friend like this she always wanted to be invited/have responsibilty for everything but ALWAYS dropped out! He was annoying like that. I think your message was very honest and direct. She can't really argue with your reason really. I don't think it would have mattered how you phrased it, she was always going to fall out with you over this. Invite her to the evening do, but don't expect her to come.

Lunafortjest Hark at you with your superior 'so typical of people on here' generalisations. I would love to know how your family, friends and colleagues describe your 'if rhe fallout is bad then perhaps it's for the best' attitude.

If the OP was harbouring gripes about her friends lack godparent interest than she should have picked a better time to broach it. The OP did not open a calm adult conversation about this but used her friend's (over the top) outburst to fire off a shot of resentment. If you had read the posts on here, several people have commented about wrong time, wrong place and I suggested there was an underlying tension that had been brewing.

What instructional video suggests pouring petrol on a fire? Please do not apply for the post of Home Secretary. The OP hasn't owned her reaction if she is asking for options on here. It sounds as if the OP is genuinely sad she may have lost her friend.

The problem with OP just saying she only ever wanted two bm and how it was hard to choose, is that it then begs the question 'so how did you decide who to choose? ' And then she's back to explaining her reasons. Only OP knows her friend well enough to know whether she would have pushed for a more detailed response, but it is at least possible that however kindly OP said that she was concerned about friends health, friend would have been offended. And I do think her being a flaky godmother is actually relevant. It's clearly important to the OP, I would expect the friend to realise that and, as others have said, how hard is it to organise a card from moonpig and gift from Amazon? I've ordered moonpig cards months ahead of time before now - for birthdays that fall during holidays etc - so it's easily done and no-one is forgotten.

Sorry it's turned out like this OP.

Skysky1 - well, your rambling, badly worded reply to her about her not being around and having lots on her plate, was exceptionally unhelpful. You basically told her she was right that you didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid because of her condition, which is exactly what she said she thought you had done and that this was upsetting to her. You should have stuck to the fact it is a small wedding and you could only have two bridesmaids, despite being lucky enough to have lots of wonderful friends, of which she is and always will be one, hence being your dd's godmother. You could also have pointed out that you were hurt she had reacted in that way, as none of your other close friends who have not been asked to be bridesmaids had reacted like that - they were just excited about the wedding and happy for you... If, on the other hand, you actually are fed up with her uselessness as a friend and godmother, then it was fine to point out her failure even to send birthday cards to her goddaughter, which is not outside her capacity even with a heart condition, but should not now be surprised she doesn't want to talk to you.

If you want to salvage the friendship why not give her another role? That is what we did, and it worked wonders. Maybe she could make a best woman speech? Something that would not impact on your day if she couldn't do it?

As someone who has a long term illness similar to your friends, you've been really mean here.

And godmother is just a 'thing' nobody takes it that seriously and she has a lot on her plate with her health, you really shouldn't have said that IMO.

When people are 'able bodied' they don't really understand what it's like, how consuming illness is and that you may have to cancel nights out as you're just not well.

If she's like me she would cancel small nights out, but pace and make sure she can go to a wedding. It's something others have no idea about though.

You basically told her she was right that you didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid because of her condition, which is exactly what she said she thought you had done and that this was upsetting to her.

Yep, Op cannot be mad at the first message as she's just confirmed that that is why she cannot be a bridesmaid.

The message you sent her was basically 'I'm not having you as a bridesmaid due to your health'. I can see why she was upset
OP can't win really. If she'd asked her to be her bridesmaid, we would probably be reading another post here going along the line of 'my friend asked me to be her bridesmaid. I couldn't say no because she only asked two and she would have thought I was making excuses if I'd said I wouldn't be able to due to my health. The truth is though the whole thing is stressing me out. I'm expected to arrange the hen night and I just don't have the time or energy to do. I've asjed the other bridesmaid but she says she is already fldoing everything else and was acting quite short with me. The thing is, I am struggling with fainting and the stress has made my condition worse. I really wish my friend had t asked me, I would have been happy to just be a guest. Really she was being inconsiderate asking me as she knew my health was bad I was already struggling to do things with my go daughter, it was very selfish of her. Now I want to pull out but there are only a few weeks before the wedding, aibu to tell her I don't want to be her bridesmaid anymore'.

YANBU to not ask her to be your bridesmaid but YABU to have awnt her quite a mean text which basically says it's because of her health. You should have just said what you said here. I'm not surprised she doesn't want to speak to you.

*sent

What you said is the type of thing you say when you really dont give a shit about hurting the other persons feelings.

Especially if you are genuine over only the small wedding only two braidsmaid bullshit

So I'd say the relationship is long dead. Dont blame her really, having ling term illness shows you who the real arseholes are and who your friends are.

Oh btw ive never had birthday cards etc from one of my godparents. Ive just found out he intends to bequeath a reasonable amount in his will to either me or my child. Birthday cards pale into insignificance compared to knowing someone will be there when you genuinely need it. Id give your head a wibble and stop sweating the superficial stuff. All a braidsmaid actually HAS to do is walk down the aisle, not even that necessarily .

You might have felt it was true but it was unnecessary and unkind of you to reply in this way.

Role as bridesmaid makes you sound like a bridezilla. What role? Putting on a frock? I asked the people I was closest to to be godparents. Your friend clearly thought your friendship was closer and different to how you now feel.

One of my friends has severe mental health issues and often doesn't feel up to attending events, especially at the last minute. She didn't come to my wedding but, I'll never stop asking her to meet up. We've had a frank chat about it and she is clear I ask because I love her and and would like to see her without pressure. If she says no 99 times, i'll ask 100. If she can make it fine, if not she's knows I/we are thinking about her and will always be here.

Yabu.

OP, you did the right thing. Telling a white lie would’ve achieved little as the discussion wouldn’t have ended and your friend would still want to know why you only had those particular 2 bridesmaids.
As for the details you gave in your response, totally harsh, but fair. A Godparent role is important and although gifts aren’t necessary, some contact is. As an adult I still get a card every year on birthdays and Xmas from mine and it’s been a warm reminder that there is someone out there I can talk to, even across the country in tough times. It was a comfort growing up. Godparents are usually chosen carefully and should take their role seriously or decline.

I think it's a tad odd not to have your child's Godmother as a bridesmaid. Your child's Godparent is meant to be the person who you would be closest to.
I sometimes wonder about people on here. Maybe 8 years ago when the baby was baptised, the op and godmother were the closest friends, but over the years, they have grown apart. The godmother has a role in the ops family life and doesn’t take it seriously. I’m not a church goer, but still take an interest in my god-daughters life. I didn’t just agree to the role for the day. Ops friend may have health issues, but that doesn’t stop her taking an interest in the op and her child surely? We have friends with massive health issues and it doesn’t stop them from asking how we are/taking an interest in our lives. If you are close enough to think you should be a bridesmaid, you should be close enough to be asking how your god daughter is occasionally.