Aibu about this bridesmaid situation/fallout?

[Skysky1]

I’m engaged and have asked 2 of my closest friends to be bridesmaid, I do have a few other friends who I would I call close but I could only choose two because a) I couldn’t afford to take on anymore b) it’s going to be a small wedding and I would really like to keep it quite simple c) if I took any more bridesmaids on then I might aswell had taken all of my friends on as bridesmaid out of fear of Then leaving say 1 feeling isolatingly left out and I just could not afford to do that. That is the reason why I chose just two , but I will get to the reason as to why I asked the 2 that I did.
So I’ve been engaged for almost 2 years , now and then out of the blue last month I get a message from one of my friends, who happens to be my daughters godmother saying that she is upset and offended that she is not bridesmaid and she feels discriminated against because of her condition (she has a heart condition which makes her faint very often)
I call her back straight away, she didn’t answer so I messaged her to say ‘ that im really sorry that she feels this way and I can insure her that isn’t the case, and the truth is I know she has had a lot on her plate to deal with with her health and I felt that she has not been able to be around much to fulfill her role as a godmother (she has been godmother 8 years and has barely wished my daughter a happy birthday) and that I don’t hold that against her at all , as I know it just must be hard what she is going through , and with that in mind I would rather her just turn up on the day of the wedding as a guest, with no responsibilities and enjoy herself’
My friend in the past has also had to pull out of going to events due to her health and I would be worried about what effect that would have if she were to play an actual role in the wedding
After reading my message she responded that I was cruel and vindictive and how dare I be upset that she hasn’t been around when she has been so ill, basically told me she doesn’t want to speak to me again and blocked my number. This was a month ago now Ive tried on numerous times to speak with her but she has made it clear she doesn’t wish to speak to me.
I would just like to get some unbiased opinions on this , as I feel like she is clearly hurt which I never intended, I value and love her immensely but I do feel my reasons were justifiable

OUCH you must have know that would hurt. A lot. All you needed to say was you were sad but could only have 2 bridesmaids and that meant leaving some people you love out. Her health and her performance as. Godmother did not need to come into it. And to mention the Godmother thing but claim you’re not actually bothered by it is weird too.

I don’t get why she would want to be a bridesmaid when she has been a bad godmother - if she wants to be a part of your life it doesn’t take much to send a card or go into amazon and send a gift to your daughter on her birthday

I would leave it - send her an invite when you send them out and see what she says.

You should have just told her what you said in your first paragraph.

I think you were a bit cruel using her illness/disability as the reason you didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid. Having something wrong with you that impacts on your life can be extremely hard to live with and is upsetting when you can't do things.

Having said that she was unreasonable to question your decision on who you picked to be your bridesmaids.

I think you went a bit to far in your message.

I’m godmother to 2 kids. I don’t fulfill any roll. If I remember their birthday, great, if not oh well. It’s a symbolic thing on the day of the christening.

It’s supposed to be a lot more than that. There’s an expectation that you have a significant role in the child’s life. Not making an effort to even remember their birthday is poor.

Back to the OP, I don’t think ywbu not to have her as a bridesmaid. Your reason for not doing so seems a bit jumbled.

I think you shouldn't have mentioned her health or that she wasn't a good godmother. I would have just said you value her dearly but since she's already a godmother to your child you wanted to give your other close friends a role.

She's obviously incredibly sensitive about her health and all that she's missed out on.

She was rude to ask. But from her perspective you reprimanded her twice - once for being a crap godmother and once for being ill. Not even a shit sandwich. Looks like you’re a really honest person and you didn’t intend to upset her. I’m a really honest person and can appreciate your reasoning. I’ve learnt as I grow older to not always tell the absolute truth.

Stop contacting her. Just let it slide. Take this situation as a lesson to think of the recipient not just the message. If this is the end to your friendship, it really isn’t the end of the world, is it?

Gosh, when did I last do any Godmotherly duties for my Godson?
I know, I'll buy him a Teddy when I go shopping.

Sigh with relief. She isn't your friend.

Clearly ppl have different ideas about role of godparent and bridesmaid. Sick ppl often get left out and it hurts, but if you are not reliable you have to accept that you can't take a starring role.
You were a bit insensitive, needn't have mentioned it, but she is sadly lacking insight. Send her a nice card with a handwritten note then leave her be, she may calm down, otherwise you know who your friends are.

a bit harsh to tell her that she was a non-existent god mother, but it's true, so she deserves it! It's not about either of you, it's about your child, and that's not fair.

Outrageous to play the "discrimination card" on her part, she is just a drama llama who wants attention.

Stick to the small wedding reason, which is true, but you are so right, if she cannot be bothered to be a godmother (she didn't have to accept)< why should you pay her to be a bridesmaid when she clearly will never be of any help to you.

I have noticed a habit Mumsnetters have of avoiding talking to CFs or outright avoiding telling the truth. Neither does the person any favours, it only enables and excuses the CFs. So I am not surprised to see people on here saying you should have lied and avoided the truth.

When will people on here learn? Avoiding the truth, lying, evading, telling white lies - IT DOES NOT HELP ANYONE! Finally we have an OP who did the right thing for a change, and told the truth. If the fallout is bad, then perhaps it's for the best. The rest of you on here can live a nice of polite avoidance while gritting your teeth, but CFs will never learn if you don't pull them up. You're a mug if you don't.

OP, please ignore the avoiders on here. You were assertive while you told the truth. Fact is, if she barely acknowledges your child's existence, she is not much of a Godmother, is she? Given that she never took her Godmother role seriously, why would anyone assume she would take being a Bridesmaid seriously? She has already shown she is unreliable. You pointed out that you were hurt that she never even acknowledges her Godchild, she had no answer for that. Finally, we have an OP who writes a to-the-point assertive message to someone, and people on here attack you for it? Absolutely disgraceful, but typical of people on here. You did the right thing. You did it well. You did it assertively, not passively (as MN suggest, or indeed suggest you take the coward's way out and say nothing and endure it), and not passive-aggressively. Your text was an example of how communications would be suggested to be the right way in an instructional video. You said nothing wrong. She owns her reaction. You don't. She appears to add nothing to your life or her GC's life. I would suggest, walk away. If that's how she wants it. She is barely there for you in your life anyway. Is it really a loss? I would think not. Concentrate on your real friends, those who are important to you. Forget her. If she is worth anything at all, she'll come around, and maybe apologise to you. Don't you go chasing her. Let her come to you and apologise. You've done and said nothing wrong.

"I’m godmother to 2 kids. I don’t fulfill any roll. If I remember their birthday, great, if not oh well. It’s a symbolic thing on the day of the christening."
Charming. If it is only symbolic to you, then I think that is quite sad. It's sad that people want the honour and the label but not the responsibility. A Godparent is a very important thing. But I am not surprised by the attitude that it is merely 'symbolic' and means nothing. Very, very sad. To many people, it is a very solem and serious position.

LunafortJest yeah that’s a great idea if you want to destroy relationships.

Sometimes it’s all about the delivery.

My mil prides her self in ‘calling a spade a spade’ when in fact she can be incredibly rude and hurtful.

LunafortJest
I couldn't agree more. I totally understand people who do not agree with the idea, but then you just decline.
Accepting to be a godparent as a bragging title but refusing to be involved is sad. It's the child who is missing out after all.

A Godparent is a very important thing. But I am not surprised by the attitude that it is merely 'symbolic' and means nothing. Very, very sad. To many people, it is a very solem and serious position

Go back to bed lunar

My mil prides her self in ‘calling a spade a spade’ when in fact she can be incredibly rude and hurtful
Calling a spade a bloody useless shovel?

Motherofcreek
what exactly is your point?

No one has to chose a godparent for their children, it's not even like getting married who has some legal and financial consequences. There's absolutely no need for one. Why would you bother if you think it means nothing?

There was no reason to mention her being a shit godmother though was there? That seems like point scoring and just unnecessarily mean.
I sort of get what you mean and why you didn't pick her, but don't beat her around the head with your reasons. You're too busy, you're too flaky, you're a shit godmother, your health issue is an issue etc. Could have just said "I could only afford 2, I am very sorry you're hurt."

I would have liked to have been asked to be a particular child's Godmother.

It pisses me off that the couple that was asked and accepted, are now NC (over nothing) with the Family.

There'll be a 'B' list, if you don't want the job, don't accept and let someone who does, have it.

"LunafortJest yeah that’s a great idea if you want to destroy relationships."

But what relationship is the OP, destroying? There isn't one.

How many threads are started, were the OP is really upset, just because they've continually allowed others to walk all over them.

People should be called out on bad behaviour.

No one needs to think up reason s for not having people as their bridesmaid. You have your own reasons for choosing someone as a bridesmaid and not the other way round.

It depends if she felt hurt you hadn't asked her to be BM or affronted that she won't be one. There is a difference. If she was hurt, it would have been better to reassure her that you still love her and that not having her as bridesmaid didn't mean anything about how you felt about the friendship. If she was affronted, well, she'll just have to deal. I think I would still approach it as in the 'hurt' scenario. There is usually an emotion of some kind behind a reaction like this. I wouldn't have brought the godmother crapness into it unless I wanted her to know I was disappointed anyway. At this stage if you still really want to be friends with her I'd write a letter/email telling her so (but not budging on the BM thing).

Well I don't understand why the OP is getting her knickers in a twist now that she has been assertive ?
You either need to be incredibly thick or incredibly thick to think that insulting someone is going to endear you to them.
How could you not have anticipated that getting a dig in at her like that was going to result in the end of the friendship??

YANBU for choosing your two friends to be bridesmaid - it's up to you!

You friend was BU for complaining about not being bridesmaid (do grown adults really care about this sort of thing?) but YAB massively U to use the opportunity to tell your friend she has been a bad godparent. That was a bizarre and inflammatory move.

The godparents' only role is to support the child's spiritual growth and well-being. It's literally what they sign up for during the ceremony. It's not about showering your child with gifts and attention.

Why has the op got to tiptoe around the subject? She recieved a txt wanting to know why she wasnt bm. She git her answer. She's not a good Godmother, so the one role she has in the op's life shes failing at. Why would she want her to be a bridesmaid??