To think my nephew is dangerous?

[bumsandtums]

I love my nephew with all my heart. He is 11 and lives with my sister who is his mother.

We are a very close family & he spends time with my family on a weekly basis. We love having him here and my children & husband are besotted with him.

Over the years starting since he was 7 various claims have been made.
It started with several claims that family members had said malicious or hurtful things to him when they hadn't. He even said to my sister that I had called him a 'waste of space'. Which obviously was not true. It then progressed to claims that people had nibbed/pinched him and that my children and his grandmother and grandfather were constantly poking and harassing him.

The family as a whole tried to nip this in the bud as soon as possible as eventually the family and my sisters friends were afraid to spend time with him alone.

In September 2018 he claimed that my sisters best friend who has babysat him regularly for his whole life threw him down the stairs. It (obviously) launched weeks worth of investigation and pain until he eventually admitted after weeks of pain for everyone involved that it was not true. He had fallen down accidently after not hanging onto the rain and she was only there to help and bring him to hospital.

Nomatter the claims we have tried to believe him each time and always always tried to find the whole story.

Today he came to our house, as per usual, to play with my children. After coming home from the park we all went inside and he went back out to the car to get his wellies so he continue playing in the garden. My husband arrived home just as he was opening the car (I couldn't see any of this). He grabs the wellies, closes the door and starts to run back inside but, slips and falls forward leaving a nasty gash on his cheek and eyebrow. He runs in and immediately starts screaming that my husband punched him. The children & I are shocked.

My husband states straight away that this didn't happen and we can all check the driveway camera and my nephews story changes instantly to it didn't happen and he starts to cry realising he's been caught out.

I pack up his stuff and drive him back to his mother and explain everything and say that I can't trust him. Someday he will tell a lie that will ruin somebodys life. He's not welcome to my home and I will not let any of my children spent time with him individually. AIBU?

Are the lies limited to your nephew trying to blame people for hurting him, bumsandtums? Is there anyone who has been exempted from the lying behaviour? How does he get on with his mum? Does he share his feelings with her (other than lying about what is causing his pain)? Was there any change in his circumstances/environment/people he came into contact with, or in the things that interested him, when he was 7 and all this started?

So those posters saying he needs to see a psychiatrist, what will a psychiatrist do? I mean it's not something that is going to respond to medication is it?
Your poor sister OP, she must be at her wits end.

Thestral up thread has it right. This is to do with self-esteem and not wanting to be wrong or get things wrong. I bet some of those lies pop out before he has had time to think. They are a result of embarrassment or shame then the poor self esteem feeds in along with the inability to be wrong.
My adopted DS is similar but not as severe. He has ADHD but also has a background of trauma, abuse and neglect. I’m not suggesting your nephew has suffered any of that but I suspect his self esteem needs work. Poor kid.

Someday he will tell a lie that will ruin somebodys life

This ^

He is dangerous - I don't doubt that he's a very troubled child, but you can't put yourself, your DH or your children at risk from his lies and accusations.

He will either destroy someone else, or he will cry "wolf" once too often and then no-one will believe a word he says - ever.

It may be a cry for help of some kind - but he's no longer a baby. Could something have happened (some genuine physical or sexual abuse) have occurred when he was 7 that he could not articulate and would have caused him to try to get attention and support another way?

I'd be very seriously concerned if this was my child.

So those posters saying he needs to see a psychiatrist, what will a psychiatrist do? I mean it's not something that is going to respond to medication is it?

Medication is not the idea. But this kind of extreme behaviour, happening often, is usually a symptom of trauma or some other mental health issue. It's the underlying health issue that needs treatment.

he need camhs, they can offer some form of help

You need (as in it is your duty - we are all responsible for protecting children) to make sure that nothing has been or is being done to this child before progressing to other explenations for this behaviour. Unfortunately it does seem to me to be the most likely explanation that something is or has gone on which he either doesn't dare tell about directly or which he has not been listened to about.

Once that has been ruled out, therapy would be my first port of call - possibly family therapy too. This is an unhappy and troubled child who is trying to put across the message that something is wrong and needs help, not demonisation.

He sounds a very troubled young boy... outside help is needed fast.I appreciate there may be long waiting lists and was just wondering if it was possible that the family members (all family maybe,aunts uncles grandparents etc) could chip in financially and get him some private help even if just initially? I wish you all well.

I would get fake cameras in every room and make it clear you can see everything he does

This is such a dreadful situation and your nephew clear.t ha some deep set physiological issues. While you have said he is getting counselling, is sounds like he needs a diagnosis and to see a skilled child physciatrist. This is impacting his life to e considerable extent and will only get worse if he carries on like this.

I am afraid I would also keep him away from my children, and avoid being aloneness with him.

But it’s heartbreaking - poor boy

Why does he spend so much time with you and not his mother.
Why does he not know anything about his father.
I would think it is a feeling of being rejected by his father, this being assumed to not be a problem with his family, which could be frustrating for him. Is his mother lacking somehow, he could be with her and have friends round to play.
I can see that he is happy at yours but if I was 11 and had no father I would be starting to wonder about him and I would definitely want some answers from my mother. My DF was not great but to be expected to grow up without mention of one ( when obviously someone DID father you) would not go down well with me as a teen.
This is something only his DM can contribute to resolving imv. Bringing in outsiders to sort him out might lower his respect for his DM.

What consequences does your sister give for his lies? Like this one, that was serious and could have got your DH into a world of trouble. What will your sister actually do about it?

Not only is he possibly going to ruin someone else's life by lying, he's also making himself incredibly vulnerable. Every adult in his life knows that if he says they did something no-one will believe it.

Blimey, what a dreadful situation. Of course you need to put your family first but I also think you need to really support your sister in getting him the right help that he so clearly needs.
I feel sorry for all involved here, including the young lad as there clearly is something causing this/has caused it.
Please encourage your sister to speak to her GP to get a referral if possible.

You are being spectacularly naive to think you would know or he would have told you if something traumatic had happened to him.

Firstly, if it was a deliberately inflicted trauma those tend to happen in secret by design, and secondly for a multitude of reasons children often can't process or articulate or share what has happened to them regardless of type of trauma.

Besides which, developmental trauma can be caused by things you might not consider traumatic - like the absence of his father.

A counsellor won't cut it. He needs a psychologist with the appropriate experience and expertise.

And none of this is in the diagnostic criteria for BPD so posters suggesting that need to examine their own prejudices.

In September 2018 he claimed that my sisters best friend who has babysat him regularly for his whole life threw him down the stairs. It (obviously) launched weeks worth of investigation and pain until he eventually admitted after weeks of pain for everyone involved that it was not true

Given you know his history why did this cause weeks of pain.

It should have been dismissed immediately.

You go on to say that he enjoys hurting people yet you buy into the hurt by trying to believe him.

The question is did you look at the cctv before or after you told him you didn’t believe his lies.

If it you looked at it to check first then he has the power to put that doubt in your mind despite his past behaviour.

Whilst I think he does need to see someone to get to the bottom of why atm you have to be strong and disbelieve everything he says until he comes up with proof something happened

You've done the right thing by distancing yourself and family away from him. Something is clearly not right with your nephew and I'm so relieved for you husband that you have cctv on your drive.
You can still be there for your sister but you are right to not want your kids hanging out with him.

Who lives in his household? Is it just him and your sister or does he have siblings? Or a step parent?

What is the reasoning behind him not being allowed on school trips? Is this just since September or has it been like this since before then?

Are swimming and scouts aware of his history?

Did you explain to him why you weren’t going to have him in your house anymore? “We love you very much DN, but we can’t have you in our house because you accuse people of things that aren’t true and which would get people you love into serious trouble, which we don’t want to happen.”

I think that it is because children have the right to be believed and this is deeply ingrained in us. A friend has encountered a similar situation, but a life changing one, recently.

Her dd has stated that she has been sexually abused by a family member and her dm is very close to the family involved. She feels she must believe her dd but she has a long history of bizarre behaviour, lying and attention seeking. But what if it is true? Could you ever forgive yourself. The family have (understandably) cut her and her dd off and the police are involved. Such a terribly sad situation for all involved. The family will need professional support to move on after this.

I say this to highlight how life changing these situations can be. I think you have been understanding for a long, long time but your acceptance of his allegations seems to have emboldened him. You need to keep your distance but I am really sorry for your sister. I am also very sorry for the poor babysitter who has been through the mill.

I don't think he is doing this to deliberately hurt others. He is doing it to hurt himself. It sounds like he has chronic, painfully low self-esteem. He can't deal with being wrong, being clumsy, making mistakes etc so immediately blames another. The shame of being caught out and knowing he is lying drives him further downwards. It's a horrible vicious downward spiral.

If I were his aunty I would absolutely take steps to protect my family but I wouldnt completely withdraw from him. If he is feeling vulnerable, rejected and abandoned it's not going to help that his beloved aunty, uncle and cousins are no longer in his life. By all means he needs to learn the consequences of his behaviour but the root cause needs to be tackled with both professional help, and the unconditional love of his family.

In your situation I would explain very clearly the situation from your perspective. I'd let him back to play but for a short time and tbh I'd tell him I have put a camera/baby monitor in the room where he is playing or the garden or whatever so I'll know exactly what's going on and there will be a recording of what's happening (and I would do it). Just like the driveway has a camera. I'd let him come and do a supervised activity (everyone colouring in in the kitchen with you there) for half an hour. If he can manage that, next time it's playing for an hour with you popping in and out, and the camera set up, if he manages that, then a little more.

At the same time I'd be seeking professional help and looking at ways to increase his self esteem and his resilience. If he doesn't manage to break out of this now he is in for an utterly miserable life, and will indeed be a massive danger to others.

Good luck

ElsieMc I think I wouldn’t be believing my Dd if there was history of bizarre behaviour and accusing people of things.

More than likely it is untrue and if it was true then it is a consequence of lying.

I would also be telling the police the same otherwise where does it stop.

The bit you say about him enjoying seeing others suffer is quite chilling.

It should have been dismissed immediately.

You can't dismiss it immediately because there are adults out there who will target children such as this because they know the chances are they won't be believed.

Accusations still have to be investigated appropriately. As much for the adult involved as anything - a proper investigation clears a name much better than a 'oh well, that kid lies' does.

This wasnt some random stranger. These people are best friends and ops dh. Unless ops dh has form for randomly punching children or the best friend has been known to lose her rag and push someone downstairs I know who I would believe.

Personally if I was ops dh and my wife had to check I hadn’t punched her pathological lying dn then I would be seriously questioning the trust element of my marriage