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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my nephew is dangerous?

293 replies

bumsandtums · 02/03/2019 21:12

I love my nephew with all my heart. He is 11 and lives with my sister who is his mother.

We are a very close family & he spends time with my family on a weekly basis. We love having him here and my children & husband are besotted with him.

Over the years starting since he was 7 various claims have been made.
It started with several claims that family members had said malicious or hurtful things to him when they hadn't. He even said to my sister that I had called him a 'waste of space'. Which obviously was not true. It then progressed to claims that people had nibbed/pinched him and that my children and his grandmother and grandfather were constantly poking and harassing him.

The family as a whole tried to nip this in the bud as soon as possible as eventually the family and my sisters friends were afraid to spend time with him alone.

In September 2018 he claimed that my sisters best friend who has babysat him regularly for his whole life threw him down the stairs. It (obviously) launched weeks worth of investigation and pain until he eventually admitted after weeks of pain for everyone involved that it was not true. He had fallen down accidently after not hanging onto the rain and she was only there to help and bring him to hospital.

Nomatter the claims we have tried to believe him each time and always always tried to find the whole story.

Today he came to our house, as per usual, to play with my children. After coming home from the park we all went inside and he went back out to the car to get his wellies so he continue playing in the garden. My husband arrived home just as he was opening the car (I couldn't see any of this). He grabs the wellies, closes the door and starts to run back inside but, slips and falls forward leaving a nasty gash on his cheek and eyebrow. He runs in and immediately starts screaming that my husband punched him. The children & I are shocked.

My husband states straight away that this didn't happen and we can all check the driveway camera and my nephews story changes instantly to it didn't happen and he starts to cry realising he's been caught out.

I pack up his stuff and drive him back to his mother and explain everything and say that I can't trust him. Someday he will tell a lie that will ruin somebodys life. He's not welcome to my home and I will not let any of my children spent time with him individually. AIBU?

OP posts:
Takethebuscuitandthesink · 03/03/2019 11:31

The op just needs to have nothing to do with her nephew she needs to protect herself and her family maybe now the boy will learn not to attempt to ruin lives. It sounds as though he has had no proper punishment for any of the other times

FancyPantsMcGhee · 03/03/2019 12:13

Fabaunt you must be being ironic with your username since your advice is to completely cut off contact with the nephew who is quite clearly in need of help, not hate.

MRex · 03/03/2019 12:23

It isn't the first time that comment's been made about her @FancyPantsMcGhee, did you know her nephews aren't allowed to go to her wedding?

Klopptimist · 03/03/2019 13:02

Erm, hang on a minute Fancy, the OP has already said she's cutting contact. And so fucking what if Fab's nephews aren't allowed to go to her wedding, she can have whoever she wants there. Are you her SIL by any chance?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/03/2019 13:11

she must believe her dd but she has a long history of bizarre behaviour, lying and attention seeking.

Sexual abuse often causes this sort of behaviour - or it can manifest as depression, aggression, low-self-esteem, arrogance - or any mixture of unacceptable behaviours.

It isn't the child's fault, but it can be very hard to deal with until the root cause is found.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/03/2019 13:13

You can't dismiss it immediately because there are adults out there who will target children such as this because they know the chances are they won't be believed

THIS ^

In spades!

Lyra is spot on - persistent lying doesn't just damage other people, and relationships, but it males the child very vulnerable, too,

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/03/2019 13:14

*makes, not males (obviously)

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 03/03/2019 14:35

he enjoys practical jokes

This bit leapt out at me - a practical joke is about, at the root, fooling someone and making them feel (if only for a moment) startled, confused or humiliated.

I'm no fan of practical jokes as they are all too often mean spirited and cruel, but I accept that (done in the right way and to someone who also likes them) they can be funny. However, there's a huge potential for them to become bullying/cruelty under the guise of "a joke"

It's interesting that the OP described her dn's love of practical jokes as a plus - I'm wondering if these really are "jokes" or just him enjoying manipulating and scamming the people around him.

LaBelleSauvage · 03/03/2019 15:25

YANBU

Has your DN actually been punished for his behaviour OP??

It doesn't sound like he has. What does his mother do in response? Discussing it with him doesn't seem to be having any effect.

IceIceCoffee · 03/03/2019 15:30

Are the rest of your family really besotted with him ? Have you ever subtley asked the kids how he is with them? You don't want to create a divide between them but an idea of what he is like with other children may help.

Takethebuscuitandthesink · 03/03/2019 17:08

Any update op?

Dieu · 03/03/2019 17:30

He needs counselling. That is seriously fucked up.

Original poster
bumsandtums · 03/03/2019 17:43

Hi All,

An update.

My sister asked my husband & I around this morning as my nephew wanted to apologise. We both went over and my nephew apologised for lying and explained that he didn't know why he did it. It just came out but, he did intend to tell me the truth after he realised his mistake.

I thought in my head, 'yeah right' but, nevertheless the apology was accepted. He asked if it was still ok if he could come to our house on Saturdays and we both said no. We could not trust him and he wasn't welcome after yesterdays incident. The lie could have ruined all of our lives...

Then it went badly... My sister said that without our support she would have to quit her job as nobody else will baby sit him after school or on a Saturday when she works. The discussion got very heated until I explained that we could talk about it all day but, he would not be coming back to our house.

She's taking 2 weeks annual leave starting tomorrow and she's going to speak with SS about having part time care put in place for him. I really feel for her. Our family as a whole is there to help her with advice and support but, not to interact with her son directly and it's left her stranded but, I need to protect my own family.

OP posts:
yolofish · 03/03/2019 17:48

bums I have read the thread but not commented before as nothing really helpful to say - but I do agree you have to protect your own family above all. I'm sure your sister knows you will always be there at the end of the phone for her, but perhaps this is the 'shock' she needs to actually do something about the situation. Really feel for all of you in this, what a horrible situation.

Original poster
bumsandtums · 03/03/2019 17:49

@HoraceCope I have stood by since he was 7 years of age dealing with the fall out of lies and advising my sister along the way.

This is the first time he has claimed one of my family physically hurt him and for me it's the straw that breaks the camels back.

With the hours of conselling behind him at this stage things should have improved drastically and instead it's taken a horrible nose dive. At this point I am definitely going to cut him off. Of course my sister hasn't done anything wrong but, we are keeping our distance from him.

OP posts:
Original poster
bumsandtums · 03/03/2019 17:52

Thank you @yolofish. I completely agree with you. Now it's going to affect her ability to work and he has cut off his relationships with the last of her family and friends this will most definitely be the shock she needs to take harsher measures.

She said to me when I was leaving that it was an injustice to him to let him continue this behaviour and as a parent the best thing now for him to learn a lesson is too be harsh. She said she also needs to build up her own friendships and family relationships again.

OP posts:
YouBumder · 03/03/2019 17:53

That sounds terribly traumatic OP but you’ve done the right thing. Things have moved up a level now he’s directly implicated your immediate family in his lies.

Original poster
bumsandtums · 03/03/2019 17:58

@lololove It all started with accusations that people had said things... All trivial at the start.

For example, 'Aunty Bums said she would let me stay over for a whole week.' Then it escalated to, 'Aunty Bums said that you stole money from her wallet.'

It very slowly made it's way to physical accusations but, just a nip or poke and then the baby sitting incident was the biggest escalation we have ever seen.

OP posts:
JoyceDivision · 03/03/2019 18:00

Well done op, that must of been a hard situation but your firmness is hopefully going to force some action.

JaneEyre07 · 03/03/2019 18:18

When you're living in a situation like this, it becomes your normal and hopefully with this happening, your sister will realise that something has to change here. It's awful for you but I think you've completely taken the right path here with this.

He sounds a very disturbed little boy sadly.

lyralalala · 03/03/2019 18:22

It's not just about your sister being harsh and punishing him - as his mother she should be desperate to get to the bottom of why he does this.

These behaviours often start for a reason, and not a bloody good one, it's her job to do everything to find out if her son was harmed by someone. As well as being her job to do everything in her power to get the help he needs to build his life and relationships.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/03/2019 18:25

this will most definitely be the shock she needs to take harsher measures

I'm sure it would have been hideous, but in the nicest possible way it sounds as if this will be no bad thing. I imagine we all understand how worried she is, but when you wrote that she just "cried and cried and cried" over the latest escalation, I did worry that the action she's taken so far might not be robust enough

You, on the other hand, have done not just the right thing but the only thing. I've no doubt you'll support her where you can, but hopefully this will be the start of her pushing for the professional help DN so obviously needs - and maybe even a happier family situation in the end

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 03/03/2019 18:56

That must have been absolutely awful for you all. How did your nephew react to being told he couldn't come to your house any more?

TheFatberg · 03/03/2019 19:31

I obviously don't know where your sister lives but be aware that in many local authorities, there are no "part time care" or respite options. Not sure what she thinks that will help with even if it does exist.

bridgetosomewhere · 03/03/2019 19:39

You have done the right thing - you have to protect your family.

It's clearly an attention thing - he wants everyone fussing around him. It's hard to back down once you've told a lie so perhaps working on why he feels the need to gain attention?

We have a relative who is still like that now. Makes up illnesses and lies about other people. She has a whole made up life and has to be careful about people she knows not meeting as she will have told them all different versions! Must be very stressful and I don't know why she does it.

Let's hope your nephew can get help and stop it before it becomes a way of life forever