To think my nephew is dangerous?

[bumsandtums]

I love my nephew with all my heart. He is 11 and lives with my sister who is his mother.

We are a very close family & he spends time with my family on a weekly basis. We love having him here and my children & husband are besotted with him.

Over the years starting since he was 7 various claims have been made.
It started with several claims that family members had said malicious or hurtful things to him when they hadn't. He even said to my sister that I had called him a 'waste of space'. Which obviously was not true. It then progressed to claims that people had nibbed/pinched him and that my children and his grandmother and grandfather were constantly poking and harassing him.

The family as a whole tried to nip this in the bud as soon as possible as eventually the family and my sisters friends were afraid to spend time with him alone.

In September 2018 he claimed that my sisters best friend who has babysat him regularly for his whole life threw him down the stairs. It (obviously) launched weeks worth of investigation and pain until he eventually admitted after weeks of pain for everyone involved that it was not true. He had fallen down accidently after not hanging onto the rain and she was only there to help and bring him to hospital.

Nomatter the claims we have tried to believe him each time and always always tried to find the whole story.

Today he came to our house, as per usual, to play with my children. After coming home from the park we all went inside and he went back out to the car to get his wellies so he continue playing in the garden. My husband arrived home just as he was opening the car (I couldn't see any of this). He grabs the wellies, closes the door and starts to run back inside but, slips and falls forward leaving a nasty gash on his cheek and eyebrow. He runs in and immediately starts screaming that my husband punched him. The children & I are shocked.

My husband states straight away that this didn't happen and we can all check the driveway camera and my nephews story changes instantly to it didn't happen and he starts to cry realising he's been caught out.

I pack up his stuff and drive him back to his mother and explain everything and say that I can't trust him. Someday he will tell a lie that will ruin somebodys life. He's not welcome to my home and I will not let any of my children spent time with him individually. AIBU?

OP, your prime responsibility are your own DC and DH. DN has crossed too many lines and you have to protect yourself from these malicious lies.

Stinytoe needs to step away from booze and go elsewhere for attention.

Of course you have to protect your family, OP. YANBU. Your poor sister must be distraught especially if he’s alienating her support network with his behaviour. Hopefully she can get counseling for him and maybe get to the root cause of his lying and attention-seeking.

It’s awful when attention seekers who get a kick out of putting people down attempt to hijack threads

OP make sure that you save the video of him falling over in the drive (when he wasn't punched by your husband.
A lot of home security systems only keep video for so many days, and this lie may yet resurface in the future.
Interesting that 2 of his big lies were about him having a minor accident and hurting himself, then blaming others.

Does he lie about about positive things (if that's not a contradiction)?

My nephew used to be a bit this way (although it didn't last until he was 11).
I used to wonder if it was because, every time he hurt himself or others, my SiL would blame the person/thing with which he'd come into contact. For example, climbing on my coffee table, falling off and banging his head elicited: "Naughty table! Hurt X!" followed by SiL whacking said coffee table. Screeching when he snatched a toy off a friend who snatched it back saw the friend being reprimanded: "X just wanted to look at it".
I wondered whether he just didn't learn responsibility for any hurts he suffered and, hence, always placed the blame elsewhere.
On the positive side, he's now in his early 20s, doing well at his job, has excellent relationships and is my favourite nephew.
It's horrid while you're going through it though and your situation sounds much more severe but I wondered if any similar "blaming" behaviour might have contributed to his problems.

thestral is right here.

I think he needs to be made to apologise for his lies. This will mortify him into stopping the lies I suspect. At the moment there seems very little to affect him personally when he is caught out in a lie as it's all swept under the carpent and 'not spoken of again' .

What ever the reason for the lies (and I suspect there are underlying issues as PPs have said) he needs to really really own those lies and that will be the beginning of his tailing them off. Apologising for lying might be that turning point.

Does he know he is loved. It might be important that he knows that.

carpet need an edit feature.

LaMarschallin Your SIL sounds utterly bonkers crazy.

You might say that, ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley (excellent name!), I couldn't possibly comment....

How terrible for your sisters friend and now you. You must have unfortunately known it was only a matter of time before he made serious accusations against you or your family.

It does sound as if he may have suffered a trauma when this first started at 7. Has your sister discussed this possibility with the therapist?

What is your sister doing beyond dissolving into floods of tears? It sounds as though she needs parenting advice / support.

I think he needs help from mental health services at this point. Extremely worrying behaviour coming from an 11 year old who knows right from wrong.

I also wonder if he has BPD.

I used to lie a lot as a child, it was mostly to big myself up, I was rich had a massive house, 50 guard dogs ect 😂

My older sister, caught me out when we met a family on holiday. I didn’t think she’d come into contact with them ( 14 years age gap between us so she was off doing other things with her friends) so told them a pack of lies. Really had them all convinced. Anyway my mum noticed I was playing so nicely and invited them all to join us out for dinner. I pretended to be poorly, I panicked, I knew my lies would come out.

They did, I still remember it now and I’m 30. I didn’t lie about anything negative, just made up stories, about being rich ect. I was so mortified and embarrassed to be called out by people my own age, I swiftly stopped lying.

These days I’m so honest, never lie. It was weight off my mind to just tell the truth in all things. It was freeing. Feel free to use my story if it’s any help.

Wow, that sounds awful - for you, for him and the rest of the enitre family. It seems he has a massive need for attention and needs some serious help from counselling (but you say he goes so not sure what else could help). Thank goodness you had evidence on your and your DH's side- could easily have been different. I think you have to be very careful and say to your sister you are unable to spend any time alone with him, or have him round your house. If she is with him it must be the whole time wherever he goes. Failing that you have to step away - it's hard because he's a kid but someone's life could be drastically changed because of his behaviour. I'd make sure I was never alone with him and distance myself. Hard on your DS I know.

Puzzledandpissedoff. I noticed that too. I wouldn’t be prepared to be that ONE adult supervising him in school, putting my career at risk.
I also hope his mum accompanies him to after school activities such as scouts. She shouldn’t be putting the scout leaders at risk.
So two fold here

1. protect the adults in his life But most importantly
2. Get proper professional help for your DN from a psychologist/ psychiatrist. I think a counsellor may well be out of their depth here.

All I can say is thank GOD you have CCTV!. Definitely keep away from him from now. He could have ruined your lives.

What are the consequences when he finally admits that he's been lying?

Does he have to go and apologise to the person that he lied about. How does he cope with that?

I taught I girl very like this a few years ago. Her lying was part of a severe attachment disorder due to very early parental abandonment. She didn’t have any friends. At all and spent every lunch and break alone in the library. It was so sad because she was otherwise a lovely girl.

Is there any family history?
On his father's side? or his mother's side?

Agree. Thank your lucky stars for the CCTV.

I think you have done the right thing by saying no more contact. The damage would/could have been massive.

My DBro had a friend that had an accusation made. Knowing the personalities of the accuser and accusee (if that is even a word) everyone knew that the event did not take place as alleged but she would not back down from the lie and the Police were involved/court action/loss of job and ultimately suicide for the man. It was only after the suicide and a full year had passed that the accuser admitted it had all been a lie. She also seemed to just admit this casually dropping it into a conversation. Due to a particularly weird set of circumstances, her voice was being recorded (don't want to be too outing here) and it was all hauled back to court. It never got that far though. The CPS dropped it as not in the public interest. This girl had killed my brother's friend as surely as if she had stabbed him and with no consequence to herself of any kind. I have no odea why she did it. It was like she started and then couldn't bear to lose face.

I do think you should keep seeing him op. and your sister keep up with the therapy, go for camhs.

nhs services would keep him in the system, the school should refer for help

He needs psychiatric help, possibly also checks to see if there is a physical cause. At 11 he should know better, so there's something major causing a problem.

@Stinkytoe. So you would be happy to have a child in your home who could potentially get one of your family an unwarranted criminal record??? 🙄 🙄 🙄 🙄 🙄 🙄 🙄

My nephew is heading this way... he is 5 though. Told school his mum beat him because he had a bruise from falling off a swing at the park. Cue to endless SS visits. All kids taken to hospital and interviewed. He regularly says xy and x hit him. Not sure what to suggest. I am waiting for this to escalate but his dm doesn't do much about it.shes too scared to say anything to him now otherwise he says I will tell school you hit me...