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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let daughter attend?

286 replies

Mypoorboobs · 02/03/2019 11:54

Daughter has an event this evening, she’s been so naughty I told her she was on her last chance or wouldn’t be going.

She then pushed the baby over backwards and laughed so I said that was it and she’s not going.

DP got home and said she can go as she’s been looking forward to it and we’ve already paid for it. I’ve said no, her behaviour is never going to improve if she doesn’t understand her actions have consequences. Who is right?

She’s 4 and not attending wouldnt be letting anyone down. We were planning to get some things that desperately need doing done while she was gone. (She’s a huge handful and can’t do anything with her here)

WWYD?

OP posts:
catchingzzzeds · 03/03/2019 12:50

I hope you’re ok OP?
I think you did the right thing. Most children of that age would understand the consequence you laid out in that situation.

Please don’t doubt your parenting, it sounds as if your daughter has some particular issues that most parents of children of a similar age aren’t having to deal with on such a frequent basis. It sounds exhausting.
Have you spoken to school about the behaviour she displays at home? They might be able to offer the best places to go for advice.
I think you and your partner need to sit down and agree a consistent approach. Praise the good, with words and your time, and challenge and punish the unwanted behaviour. And stick to your guns!
Nurture your relationship with your daughter too by trying to have time just the two of you.

Bumblebeezy · 03/03/2019 12:53

Well done for sticking to your guns OP.

mummymeister · 03/03/2019 12:57

boobili - saying that people with lots of children indulge in "crowd control" rather than parenting is horribly judgemental. Your view is that having only one child removes the issue of jealousy. I have concerns about only children but, as you say, it was a choice taken away from you due to delivery difficulties. I have a large family. I don't think its crowd control. My children all get on and now they are older teens regularly go out to concerts and events with each other. I also make the time and effort to give individual attention to each one.

I have to say having read some of your comments I am really surprised at your chosen career. as an adult if you spoke to me like this in person I would be reporting you to your line manager and suggesting that there were some training needs there. Or are you one of those people who think its ok to be rude, bullying and judgemental on an internet forum but wouldn't say boo to a goose in real life?

Orangeday · 03/03/2019 12:59

For what it’s worth, I think you did the right thing.

I’d like to tell you also that things will get easier. We are all doing our best and feeling around in the dark, especially with our first child. Please treat yourself kindly.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 03/03/2019 13:19

I have to say having read some of your comments I am really surprised at your chosen career.

Interesting. I haven’t told you what I do.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 03/03/2019 13:20

You have odd children?

Yes. They’re god children without the god bit.

Drogosnextwife · 03/03/2019 13:39

It suggests some sort of childhood trauma/incomplete emotional regulation. Perhaps counselling may help you.

That must be what it is then, you're the expert after all.

mummymeister · 03/03/2019 16:16

Drogosnextwife - but she hasn't told us what job she does yet! Honestly you are just so unreasonable. Just like I am apparently.

Parenting is hard enough without a pseudo expert coming along and telling you that you are doing it all wrong and damaging your children. I look at my teens. I know that I got it about right. Not perfect but who is?

I hope the OP feels a bit more positive about it all. yesterday she just sounded done in with it all and we have all been there.

Drogosnextwife · 03/03/2019 17:43

mummymeister

Tell me about it. Apparently a massive percentage of the population have really messed their kids up by having more than one. Most psychologist realise that having one child is the only way to make sure they are being the best parent, don't you know Hmm.
My guess is Boobiliboobiliboo studied some psychology at uni or college and is now a carer for adults with additional learning needs. My DP worked as a carer for adults with autism a few years ago, one had the mental age of a 4 year old. DP didn't think that gave him any right to critique other parents in how they discipline their kids because it's in no way relatable.

speakout · 03/03/2019 17:56

I don't punish.

There are better ways of parenting.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 03/03/2019 17:56

is now a carer for adults with additional learning needs.

Not even close.

Siriismyonlyfriend · 03/03/2019 17:58

Good for you speakout.Hmm

manicmij · 03/03/2019 18:08

At 4 years old punishment has to be swift not postponed for a few hours. Does she have a habit of pushing her sibling over or was it a one off. If a habit, you should be on the lookout and try to anticipate what she may do and so prevent it.if not a habit, 4 year old will do such things, its called childhood.

TeacupDrama · 03/03/2019 18:10

a NT nearly 5 year old can understand consequences delayed a few hours, I would agree not a consequence a week on Thursday but if they forget you can just remind you are not going to the X event as you were mean to your brother earlier several times after I said No or whatever the case maybe, I think all children need a mixture of praise for doing well and discipline when they don't

nannygoat50 · 03/03/2019 18:10

Absolutely right not to let her go. There has to be consequences for actions , that’s how they learn. At 4 she is quite capable of learning that and if you don’t follow through she will think she can get away with it next time. Stick to your guns

ToftyAC · 03/03/2019 18:14

Nope, I would carry out the punishment and not let her go. DP agrees with us both on this point too. She’s old enough.

Drogosnextwife · 03/03/2019 18:18

Not even close.

Doesn't really matter though does it? Whatever it is it doesn't make you anymore qualified that anyone else here.

HomeMadeMadness · 03/03/2019 18:20

I think people are getting confused about understanding consequences. Even very young children understand consequences and understand right from wrong in the case of pushing/hitting. What they don't always have is the impulse control to stop themselves doing it and what they certainly don't have is the ability to associate a consequence which is more than a few minutes after the event. This has been well established. So they'll know they're not going to the event because they did X, they knew at the time of doing X that it was wrong but the two things aren't related and so they'll feel sad but it won't change their behaviour in the future.

Original poster
Mypoorboobs · 03/03/2019 18:23

For those that don’t punish your children, how do they learn that their actions have consequences? Are you not worried about future endevours? e.g they get a detention, a disciplinary, prison... the world is based upon consequences for bad actions so what happens when your children enter the real worlD?

I’m not judging as clearly I’m in no place too as not doing a good job myself but this is the part I don’t quite understand?

OP posts:
dragonsfire · 03/03/2019 18:29

@Boobiliboobiliboo

You said you had one child to illuminate sibling rivalry - then said was medical but ok going with first point. What’s the OP supposed to do with that? Go back in time and have one child?

My DN is an only child and 10x more work then my ‘odd children’

IF I get to have a child (due to medical issues will likely just be one, if we are lucky) I will be doing all I can to make sure she/he is surrounded by other kids to learn how to interact, share etc it’s just as important to learn.

I think you meant well but really did come across judgy and I am not sure that’s what OP needed after already feeling crap!

OP - well done everyday is a learning curve, hopefully you will find the right formula if helps I am one of 6 and I fought with my siblings particularly my older sister and was a right shit lol. We all get in now, I do feel bad for what my mum has to put up with!

Drogosnextwife · 03/03/2019 18:33

the world is based upon consequences for bad actions so what happens when your children enter the real worlD?

They will have no idea how to deal with negativity or people not thinking everything they do is great and praising them at every turn or "love bombing" them. Setting them up for disaster really. Believe me teachers shout, nursery workers shout and schools and nurseries discipline bad behaviour by taking away privileges.

Justonemorepancake · 03/03/2019 18:34

I don't think anyone has said they don't punish their kids at all? Maybe I missed a post. I personally only punish with immediate punishments that are relevant to the misdemeanour. Eg make a mess deliberately when cross, clean it up when you've calmed down. Continually throw something, have it taken away until you've calmed down etc. But I'm mainly a big fan of talking, love-bombing and finding out what is causing the behaviour in the first place. Kids aren't bad, there's always a reason. Once hungry or tired is ruled out it's generally something that's happened at school that's upset him. Once we've unearthed what it is, we can help solve it or just talk about it, behaviour improves.

dragonsfire · 03/03/2019 18:38

*eliminate not illuminate!

Justonemorepancake · 03/03/2019 18:39

And just because I love bomb him and praise him for his positive behaviours, doesn't mean he can't deal with negativity. If he ever does or says something mean, he knows about it! I don't need to shout at him or think up arbitrary unrelated punishments to help him in real life. He hasn't been punished at school ever as he is well behaved and kind, but if he was punished for a misdemeanour he would understand why and I would back them up. He talks about his peers getting in trouble and losing play time etc so he knows the score.

speakout · 03/03/2019 18:45

Mypoorboobs

Is it threat of prison that stop you from robbing?

Or is it a sense of altrusim and fairness- respect for others?

I suspect the latter.

I think punishment can hinder children from developing their own moral compass.

They need to learn to do the right thing because of respect for others- not because they fear punishment.

Punishment certainly breeds good liars.