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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let daughter attend?

286 replies

Mypoorboobs · 02/03/2019 11:54

Daughter has an event this evening, she’s been so naughty I told her she was on her last chance or wouldn’t be going.

She then pushed the baby over backwards and laughed so I said that was it and she’s not going.

DP got home and said she can go as she’s been looking forward to it and we’ve already paid for it. I’ve said no, her behaviour is never going to improve if she doesn’t understand her actions have consequences. Who is right?

She’s 4 and not attending wouldnt be letting anyone down. We were planning to get some things that desperately need doing done while she was gone. (She’s a huge handful and can’t do anything with her here)

WWYD?

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 03/03/2019 11:43

Chose to just have one child so as not to have to deal with sibling rivalry, and after all that studying, you would have been the perfect person to be able to deal with it aswell. What a waste!

You studied psychology, now work with adults. That does not make you an expert on parenting or dealing with children's behaviour.

Strange that you are now relating your personal experiences of being a child and your relationships with parents and siblings, yet when I did it earlier it wasn't acceptable. You seem to think it makes you qualified to judge another patent.

Drogosnextwife · 03/03/2019 11:44

Is there anything I can help you with, dear?

Not sure what that's even supposed to mean.

Drogosnextwife · 03/03/2019 11:48

Navigated parenting challenges using formal study, informal research and observations of many other children in my life.)

Meaning "I have watched family and friends children in action and judged their parents for how they handled it, knowing I could do so much better".

Boobiliboobiliboo · 03/03/2019 11:51

Chose to just have one child so as not to have to deal with sibling rivalry, and after all that studying, you would have been the perfect person to be able to deal with it aswell. What a waste!

I couldn’t have more children if I wanted them thanks to injuries sustained giving birth. But thanks for that.

You studied psychology, now work with adults. That does not make you an expert on parenting or dealing with children's behaviour.

At no point have I described myself as an expert. I have tried to explain why many popular behaviourist methods of managing child behaviour are ineffective. You don’t have to like it, but it doesn’t actually change child neuropsychology. Sorry.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 03/03/2019 11:52

Not sure what that's even supposed to mean.

I work with adults who often behave like children. I offered you help. Short enough connection for you now?

Boobiliboobiliboo · 03/03/2019 11:54

Meaning "I have watched family and friends children in action and judged their parents for how they handled it, knowing I could do so much better".

Meaning I have Odd Children (non-religious godmother) and nieces and nephews that I have helped care for over the years.

But do you know what, you clearly think you’re an expert in my life. You’re not. I’m not sure why you’ve chosen to attack me personally when I’ve offered slightly scientific and non-judgy responses on this thread. It suggests some sort of childhood trauma/incomplete emotional regulation. Perhaps counselling may help you.

Nishky · 03/03/2019 11:55

is there anything I can help you with dear

This sort of response tends to immediately wipe out any respect for a poster........

Boobiliboobiliboo · 03/03/2019 11:57

This sort of response tends to immediately wipe out any respect for a poster........

Whilst the one that is actively picking and bullying me.....?

Nishky · 03/03/2019 11:58

Oh Boobili that last post is really unpleasant

Boobiliboobiliboo · 03/03/2019 12:03

Nishky -
You’re sounding quite a lot like a sock-puppet.

Or is there some reason other people can say what they like to me and make any old assumption and I’m expected to just accept it?

Bumblebeezy · 03/03/2019 12:03

If I had stopped after having my eldest and he'd remained an only child I'd probably think I was the best parent ever to grace the earth 😂 All you need is kindness, boundaries and consistency 😂😂 My eldest is the easiest most biddable child ever.

Alas, I had my youngest, the opposite end of the spectrum. Turns out I'm not so shit hot after all.

People are quick to judge. Ultimately we are all dealt different cards with each and every individual child and as already been said many times- what works for one may require a completely different approach for another.

Original poster
Mypoorboobs · 03/03/2019 12:08

I gave her the chance to earn her treat back, she threw it back in my face. I didn’t let her attend in the end.
Thank you for your responses, it’s so hard to know what is right. I’ve seen the ‘never say no, fill with love’ parenting in action with friends of ours, it doesn’t sell me on the idea tbh.
I’ve bought a few books suggested on this thread and will give them a go. Hopefully I haven’t screwed her up, but she’s a very bright girl and understands what she’s doing... maybe it achieved nothing, but I’d rather that than her think she can do what she wants and still get rewarded.

OP posts:
Nishky · 03/03/2019 12:12

Boobili- no you are not expected to accept it, but calling someone ‘dear’ and suggesting they must have suffered trauma and shouting ‘sock puppet’ is not exactly intelligent discourse is it?

Drogosnextwife · 03/03/2019 12:17

I couldn’t have more children if I wanted them thanks to injuries sustained giving birth. But thanks for that.

Not what you said, you said you chose to eliminate sibling rivalry by only having one child. Not my fault you have now changed your story.

Meaning I have Odd Children (non-religious godmother)

Honestly have no clue what that means either.

I work with adults who often behave like children. I offered you help. Short enough connection for you now?

Honestly, that just made me think you have absolutely no psychology training at all and, it made you sound like a bit of a wank. You had already managed that right enough.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/03/2019 12:18

Did you have that chat with your DP as well, Mypoorboobs? He does need to understand the whole "united front" thing, and to not undermine you.
In the long run, giving in to her does her no favours.

Drogosnextwife · 03/03/2019 12:20

Whilst the one that is actively picking and bullying me.....?

Now you are being bullied? Because I don't agree with you and think you are judging other people unfairly, yet you don't have any practical experience of full time care of more than one child?

Drogosnextwife · 03/03/2019 12:22

I’m not sure why you’ve chosen to attack me personally when I’ve offered slightly scientific and non-judgy responses on this thread

"Non-judgy", ok then.

mummymeister · 03/03/2019 12:27

Mypoorboobs - I think you made the right decision. Are you going to seek some help for her challenging behaviour in case there are other underlying issues?

I would be interested to know which books you found most helpful. (once you have read them in a few weeks time!)

Parenting is really hard. I too am not a fan of this "love bombing" thing but that's because I know it wouldn't work with my children though hopefully it works for some. its like everything else you just do what you need to to get by.

MumUnderTheMoon · 03/03/2019 12:30

I wouldn't let her go. Don't threaten something if you aren't going to follow through. All that does is make a liar out of you and teaches her that she doesn't have to listen to you.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 03/03/2019 12:35

Honestly have no clue what that means either.

I explained it. 🤦🏻‍♀️

christinarossetti19 · 03/03/2019 12:36

OP, the thing that sorted out my eldest's aggressive behaviour towards her younger sibling was the technique from the 'How to talk so that your children listen....' book mentioned up thread.

Basically, you comfort the child who has been hurt. So 4 year old pushes baby, you pick up baby make a HUGE fuss 'oh poor baby, you got pushed over, dd knows how to be kind but sometimes she forgets' etc etc and ignore the 4 year old.

Repeat ad infim. Do not chastise, engage with or punish the 4 year old. As soon as she shows some sign of remorse or regret, pick up on it and let her do something that will make her feel better eg say sorry, give the baby a gentle stroke. Voice your observation that she's now being gentle and that's much better behaviour and will get more of your attention than negative behaviour.

Do give this a try. Once she cottons on that hurting the baby results in the natural consequence of the baby being comforted and getting lots of attention, she may change her behaviour.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 03/03/2019 12:39

Now you are being bullied? Because I don't agree with you

No issue whatsoever with disagreement. You made it personal. And yes, some of what you’ve said could be considered bullying.

and think you are judging other people unfairly,

Haven’t judged anyone trying/using highly publicised methods. Have just pointed out that they’ve been shown not to be effective in the long term.

yet you don't have any practical experience of full time care of more than one child?

You have no idea what my experience is. Sue Radford has 20 children - I doubt she has much experience of anything but crowd control. Lots of child psychologists only have one child in the child’s best interests.

But hey. You aren’t into rational conversation. I’m done.

Drogosnextwife · 03/03/2019 12:47

Meaning I have Odd Children (non-religious godmother)
You have odd children?

You made it personal
Where?

Haven’t judged anyone
Telling people their parenting methods are lazy and ineffective is judemental.

Drogosnextwife · 03/03/2019 12:47

Especially the lazy part.

Drogosnextwife · 03/03/2019 12:48

You are hardly into rational discussion yourself, are you?