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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not having larger for MIL... ?

710 replies

Bibijayne · 02/03/2019 08:57

MIL came to stay for a couple of nights this weekend. She has just stormed off upset this morning because my husband didn't offer her a larger last night (we don't have any!)

We have a 6 month old. And were never the biggest drinkers before. Last night my sister and BIL invaded briefly (unexpected but pleasant) because she wanted to celebrate her first pay cheque since getting a big promotion. Her hubbie was driving - so only on lemonade. She had a nice bottle of whisky. She had a single shot (measured) as did my husband and I. She offered a shot to my MIL but my MIL said she doesn't like whisky.

Unbeknownst to me, she asked my DH if we had anything else. We mostly have some spirits (literally not touched in over a year... Most unopened) and a couple of bottles of wine (saved for a special occasion and bought on our honeymoon 18 months ago. Plan was to open one on our anniversary later this year). He said what we had (not much). She asked if we had any beer or larger. He said no (we don't, but there's a very nice beer and larger shop about 3 minutes walk from our house. So if we fancy something we just go and buy a single bottle). He said we had tea, coffee, squash and lemonade too.

This morning, we come down. DH wanders into the kitchen (she's been up for a bit, but not really said hi. We've been feeding and wrangling the small person. He's breastfed, so I fed him upstairs). She then gets massively emotional. All I can hear is her saying (tearfully) 'I don't want to impose' before running for the door, with my husband chasing after her begging her to stay.

I am flabbergasted and ask if it was us asking about the latch (5 mins before I'd noticed she'd left the front door open after going for a fag. Before then going out the back door. We're fairly centrally located in a biggish city and this is a security issue! She's used to living in a village, DH said he'd mention it. I thought she may have overheard and been offended. Though not sure why :/ )

DH then explains that she felt we were policing her alcohol consumption. And she wasn't welcome because he said we had no larger...

She turned her phone off and drove off. So DH hasn't been able to get hold of her.

Really not sure what on Earth is going on!

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 02/03/2019 10:23

It was a very quick visit from her family to celebrate a specific thing they stayed for dinner. OP split their three meals to feed all five of them

SoyDora · 02/03/2019 10:23

Plenty of people don’t drink or barely drink, it’s completely normal

Has anyone said it’s not normal? It’s not about how much the OP and her partner drink, it’s about being a good host. The OP is the one making a big deal of how little she drinks. I have a 7 week old, I have barely drank since my 5 year old was born. I still make sure I provide drinks for my guests.

JockTamsonsBairns · 02/03/2019 10:23

The op's MIL didn't give 5 minutes notice - that was the sister and BIL. MIL was coming for a planned overnight stay, and the catering done by the op and her DH extended to one solitary mini bottle of prosecco - which she wasn't even offered.
It sounds a bit ridiculous to offer a guest squash or lemonade to drink fgs. I can't understand why the MIL wasn't offered her prosecco, a glass of the wine that was in the fridge, or why the op's DH couldn't have made a quick six minute round trip to the very nice lager shop. It's basic hospitality, and I'm not at all surprised the MIL felt pushed out and unwelcome. Your DH owes his mum an apology.

Holidayshopping · 02/03/2019 10:23

Sad that you can only have fun with alcohol. Bless.

I doubt the lack of alcohol had anything to do with that statement!

joyfullittlehippo · 02/03/2019 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

M4J4 · 02/03/2019 10:24

Holiday, sadly, I disagree.

BrusselPout · 02/03/2019 10:25

I suspect it was less about the lager, and more about the fact that she had come to visit and the visit was taken over by your sister and brother in law randomly turning up, you all then proceeded to drink the whisky and she was even more left out.

Unless she knows your family very well she probably felt very much like a spare wheel during a time she has made an effort to come and see you. It would have been better to tell your sister that you had a visitor and that it wasn't convenient for her to drop by at that particular time

FriarTuck · 02/03/2019 10:25

Look at it the other way-I popped into my dsis with a bottle of whisky to celebrate. Only going to be there half an hour, as soon as we arrived they said their visitor didn't like whisky and went out to get a different drink.
I think that would look a bit rude to the visitors.
Very good point. 'Yes just put your enthusiasm on hold Sis while we run around organising things for MIL. We'd better get sushi in too just in case she decides that's the only thing she eats having never tasted it before'

joyfullittlehippo · 02/03/2019 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/03/2019 10:25

And yes, prosecco would have been perfect and your DH is a twit for not thinking of it. The fact that he didn't, tells us that he didn't go through the thought process of 'we are leaving MIL out here, what can I get her to drink' at all. Poor hosting and just unkind.

TheGirlWhoLived · 02/03/2019 10:26

@M4J4 whilst your patronising tone was delightful I don’t actually drink Grin

I think somebody that documents every drink that they or others have down to the measure, is probably somebody that I wouldn’t get along with. Bless.

Quooker · 02/03/2019 10:26

Which is not surprising with the lack of hosing skills🤷‍♀️

Grin
calpop · 02/03/2019 10:27

We don't drink wine, I hate it. When my sister comes to stay, or anyone really, I get a couple of bottles in, as well as some lager, just in case - also soft drinks and fruit juice. Personally I think that is part of entertaining/having people stay.

On the other hand, I wouldn't worry about too too much if it was my mother and I was busy with the kids, hadn't had time to go to the shops or whatever, as I know she would be happy to pop out to the nearby shop for me to grab stuff and, in fact, often texts on her way over to see if I need anything from the shops on her way.

So I'd call this one 50/50 tbh - she is being a bit over dramatic, but I would have expected someone to offer to go the shop once she had indicated she would like a lager. I only drink lager socially and wouldn't really want to pile into spirits on that kind of occasion.

FriarTuck · 02/03/2019 10:28

Stop telling us about what you like to drink. It's irrelevant to your role as hosts.
Everything is relevant when you're autistic Grin And besides, it stops the inevitable claims of drip-feeding when you've left one tiny detail out.

Holidayshopping · 02/03/2019 10:28

think somebody that documents every drink that they or others have down to the measure, is probably somebody that I wouldn’t get along with. Bless.

Exactly!!

SleepingStandingUp · 02/03/2019 10:29

Your DH needs to step up. He forgot the prosecco but he could have popped to the shop. You were trying to stretch 5 meals fro me whilst holding the baby, he needs to help more. Your sister was rude to turn up unannounced and expect to be fed.

Holidayshopping · 02/03/2019 10:29

I’m betting that the reason she has left the house upset is much more to do with the lack of hospitality and feeling unwanted rather than the larger/lager.

TruffleShuffles · 02/03/2019 10:30

It’s clearly not simply about the lager. She didn’t feel welcome, your posts make out what a hardship it was to be a good host for your MIL with a breastfed 6 month old but you managed to rustle up extra meals for your sister and share a drink with her with 5 minutes notice. This wouldn’t have gone unnoticed by your MIL. In fairness OP I can’t imagine it was done out of malice but the result would be the same.

Wallsbangers · 02/03/2019 10:31

Think your hosting skills are appalling OP and your DH has behaved terribly towards his mum. It's not about the "larger" it's about the fact you've made her feel not welcome at all.

Littletabbyocelot · 02/03/2019 10:31

Do people really consider family guests who need to be hosted? Especially since having kids my in laws when they visit are family who just don't live here all the time. So if they want a specific brand of something they buy it. If they want an alcoholic drink on an evening (which they might, or might not - they enjoy drinking but can easily go a week without) they buy it.

Years ago my MIL was prone to tantrums like this. There is only one way to deal with it - behave like you and she are reasonable grown ups. Apologise once if your behaviour warrants it but don't beg, chase, grovel etc. Ultimately she came to a house with a newborn and threw a strop because she wasn't pandered to.

ARandomPoster · 02/03/2019 10:31

I get that you are managing with a new baby. And that you drink very little, and that is the norm for you.

But in the wider world people do enjoy the occasional drink at the end of the day, and especially in a social situation- which having family to stay would usually be considered.

Most people would ensure they have alcohol available at a family dinner, even if their intention wasn't to drink any themselves. Whether that be small cans or bottles in individual measures, or a great big keg of whatever was on offer at the supermarket.

Your sister popped around unexpectedly to celebrate (did she bring the whiskey, or did you provide it?) and you made them welcome by increasing the food, stretching what you had prepared, consuming alcohol with them. And yet your mother in law, whose visit was expected, didn't receive the same treatment. The food you had prepared for her was shared among your sister and BIL, and while you celebrated your sister's success and consumed alcohol she was left to feel like an outsider and wasn't provided with a drink. You were rude to your guest.

You tell us you bought a small bottle of prosecco (a single serving? For 2 nights? Really?) for her, yet you didn't even offer it when she asked if there was anything else she may drink? You were rude to your guest.

You say the prosecco was in the fridge. If she had had any reason whatsoever to go into the fridge - for a jar of baby food, milk for her cup of tea, helping you tidy away after a meal - she would have seen it and known it was there. And yet you didn't offer it to her. That was very rude.

Your mil lives in a small village so didn't automatically latch the door, so you tell her that it isn't safe in your central city location. And yet you expect her to walk alone, at night, in the dark, to buy a drink so she can feel included in your family's celebration. Instead of going for her, or with her, you and your DH stay at home drinking with YOUR family while she is made to feel left out. You were extremely rude.

Yes, her behaviour was immature and yes, you are dealing with guests and a new baby and it isn't always easy. But can you see how your (and I include your dh here. It is his mother who was visiting, and he is not the one breast feeding) behaviour has almost definately made your mother in law feel unwelcome?

M4J4 · 02/03/2019 10:31

I think somebody that documents every drink that they or others have down to the measure,

But OP didn't do this theGirlwholived She mentioned some had a measure of whisky, which she has said is a family joke as they gave her a measurer (?)

For you to declare that OP is no fun based on this is silly.

lazyarse123 · 02/03/2019 10:31

Yanbu it sounds like she can't go a night without having alcohol. Not everybody has alcohol in, I don't.

Holidayshopping · 02/03/2019 10:32

Your mil lives in a small village so didn't automatically latch the door, so you tell her that it isn't safe in your central city location. And yet you expect her to walk alone, at night, in the dark, to buy a drink so she can feel included in your family's celebration. Instead of going for her, or with her, you and your DH stay at home drinking with YOUR family while she is made to feel left out. You were extremely rude

Good point re the safety!

Muddysnowdrop · 02/03/2019 10:33

I don’t think it was just the lager or she would have left then.