Not having larger for MIL... ?

[Bibijayne]

MIL came to stay for a couple of nights this weekend. She has just stormed off upset this morning because my husband didn't offer her a larger last night (we don't have any!)

We have a 6 month old. And were never the biggest drinkers before. Last night my sister and BIL invaded briefly (unexpected but pleasant) because she wanted to celebrate her first pay cheque since getting a big promotion. Her hubbie was driving - so only on lemonade. She had a nice bottle of whisky. She had a single shot (measured) as did my husband and I. She offered a shot to my MIL but my MIL said she doesn't like whisky.

Unbeknownst to me, she asked my DH if we had anything else. We mostly have some spirits (literally not touched in over a year... Most unopened) and a couple of bottles of wine (saved for a special occasion and bought on our honeymoon 18 months ago. Plan was to open one on our anniversary later this year). He said what we had (not much). She asked if we had any beer or larger. He said no (we don't, but there's a very nice beer and larger shop about 3 minutes walk from our house. So if we fancy something we just go and buy a single bottle). He said we had tea, coffee, squash and lemonade too.

This morning, we come down. DH wanders into the kitchen (she's been up for a bit, but not really said hi. We've been feeding and wrangling the small person. He's breastfed, so I fed him upstairs). She then gets massively emotional. All I can hear is her saying (tearfully) 'I don't want to impose' before running for the door, with my husband chasing after her begging her to stay.

I am flabbergasted and ask if it was us asking about the latch (5 mins before I'd noticed she'd left the front door open after going for a fag. Before then going out the back door. We're fairly centrally located in a biggish city and this is a security issue! She's used to living in a village, DH said he'd mention it. I thought she may have overheard and been offended. Though not sure why :/ )

DH then explains that she felt we were policing her alcohol consumption. And she wasn't welcome because he said we had no larger...

She turned her phone off and drove off. So DH hasn't been able to get hold of her.

Really not sure what on Earth is going on!

I’m Irish. My husband is Scottish. No WAY we wouldn’t go and get the booze our guests would prefer. It’s an integral part of being a welcoming host.

Never knowingly sober, us.

Your DH should have gone to the shop for her. All sounds OTT

Op, I would stay right out of this one. It was entirely down to your DH. His mum, his interactions with her, his responsibility to resolve.
Don’t get involved.

Why people are blaming you, I really do not know.

You were seeing to your baby much of the time. You didn’t know your MIL had asked your DH if there was anything else to drink until afterwards and you weren’t even there when MIL and DH had their argument and she stormed out.

You can’t know what was said, so take a step back and leave them to sort it out between them. If either appeals to you, then I would tell them exactly that.

And yet you expect her to walk alone, at night, in the dark, to buy a drink so she can feel included in your family's celebration.

Did OP say this?! Or is this made up?

@MJ4J
You may also be on my increasingly ‘larger’ (geddit!?) list of mumsnetters that I don’t think I would get along with.
Unfortunately I have to go and make a birds nest now (thanks dd2) have a great day

"DH doesn't drink much, unless we have company."

You already had company, his Mum.

I can totally understand were she is coming from. You both saw to your unexpected guests instead of the invited one.

You all had a drink, except her. That's not OK, in general. You don't leave one person out.

She's been made to feel like an unwanted guest and that there's a judgement over her wanting a drink. There's more alcohol in your shot of whisky than what she was asking for.

You or your DH haven't given her a thought. It's worse from him because she's his Mother.

The polite thing for your husband to have done was to have gone out to get her some lagers for the remainder of her stay.

The polite thing for her to have done is to have said 'no, don't worry, it's only one night, I'll get some tomorrow' given you have a small baby and you had other drinks available.

Neither of them are very polite!

MIL sounds like a ridiculous drama queen who couldn't stand things momentarily not being about her if she really was put out by Op's sister & bil popping by.

Maybe Op should have said that they couldn't drop in or shpuldn't have invited them for the meal?

Pissing off the next day before you intended to leave is surely a way of cutting off your nose to spite your face & excluding ypurself though?

It's just how I can imagine my MIL reactin tbh.

God forbid if something not all about her happened when she was visiting!

You may also be on my increasingly ‘larger’ (geddit!?) list of mumsnetters that I don’t think I would get along with.
Unfortunately I have to go and make a birds nest now hmm (thanks dd2) have a great day smile

No answer then

Well as we never have to meet, it hardly matters! Enjoy your day.

M4J4 Nope.
Op has stated the exact amount they have drunk since Christmas ( measure and what it was), The exact amount of wine they have in with a specified date they will drink it and the size of bottle they bought MIL ( small).

"Why people are blaming you, I really do not know"

Because you don't take a drink with unexpected guests and not ask your invited guest if they want a drink, thays sitting in your fridge.

The toast could have waited six minutes whilst the DH went the shop.

You don't even leave children out of a toast, you give them Lemonade or something. You make sure everyone has a drink in their hands.

That's basic manners and etiquette.

"The toast could have waited six minutes whilst the DH went the shop."

What a load of twatting about that would have been.

MIL could have had lemonade the same as Op's bil.

Birdsgottafly

As I said in the rest of my post that you haven’t bothered to refer to, Op was not even there when all these conversations and subsequent row took place. She cannot possibly know what was actually said so it’s down to her DH to sort it out.

It’s so typical that people expect the woman to deal with it!

It wouldn’t even cross my mind to buy in drink! No one in my family (except my brother) drinks and he only drinks with friends.
I don’t buy alcohol in unless my husband specifically asks for something.
So no I don’t think you are being unreasonable, but that this is much bigger than the no lager issue. You could have offered the Prosecco!

I expect she clocked the prosecco in the fridge and left!
It is a shame she didnt feel able to speak up

And yet you expect her to walk alone, at night, in the dark, to buy a drink so she can feel included in your family's celebration.

Did OP say this?! Or is this made up?

Not in so many words. But she says:

"She asked if we had any beer or larger. He said no (we don't, but there's a very nice beer and larger shop about 3 minutes walk from our house."

The OP also says if she had known mil was asking for lager she would have offered to walk to the shop. The implication being that her DH didn't offer.

She also says mil wasn't offered the prosecco bought for her, even when she asked if there was anything else she could drink. The fact that her mil asked If there was something she could drink to join the toasts implies she really wanted a drink too.

By process of elimination the only choices left to mil if she wanted a drink (and we knkw she did) was to go out and buy it herself, or do without. Having been told the outside was unsafe she did without.

I don't the OP has a weird attitude to drinking its just that when you don't drink you genuinely don't even think about alcohol so you wouldn't think it would upset anyone if you don't have it.
On the other hand people who do drink sometimes get weird around teetotallers and think they are being judged.
I think there's a bit of fault on both sides the OP's DH for not going to the shop and the MIL for being over-sensitive instead of just saying fine I'll go to the shop then.
None of this is really worth falling out over just give her a ring and apologise for the misunderstanding and enjoy the rest of your time together.

I think the alcohol puritans are my favourite faction of mumsnet loon.

DH then explains that she felt we were policing her alcohol consumption. And she wasn't welcome because he said we had no larger...

so she did speak up.
You know why she left op. The pair of you need to be more hospitable to her in future.

"HoraceCope" yep I suspect this too.

Bad manners, all of it. I would never treat my mil like this.

It's like neither of you really wanted her there.

"I expect she clocked the prosecco in the fridge and left! "

Sounds likely, doesn't it?

As you say, shame she either didn't feel able to say something.

But would most people care?

Wouldn't you think that the wine had been forgotten about or was earmarked for something else?

Everyone seems to blissfully ignore OP's update that MIL never drank or asked for lager before,at least not that her and her DH are aware.

You are so busy to berate OP for her lack of hosting skills (the only person actually busy and an excuse to let things drop) and lack of drinking that you couldn't possibly let facts get in the way.

Facts:
1.MIL never asked for lager before
2.OP had catered for her with what she normally drinks..prosecco
3.OP was completely unaware that there was an issue, her biggest mistake being that she assumed that two grown ups(MIL and DH) can communicate ,compromise and reach a satisfactory solution between the both of them.

Let's not make this into some sort of dickensian poor,ignored ,abused,neglected and unsafe MIL just for the sake of having a go at OP.

P.S. I can tell you exactly what I drink and when because I only drink when I go out and I don't go out much.

I think it's unfair anyone who doesn't drink is labelled as a joyless loon.
For the record I love a drink but I don't care if other people don't.
I went out last night with my friends 5 or us drank and 3 of us didn't everyone had a good time and no-one gave a monkeys about who drank what.

HoraceCope sorry that was a response to your last post!

She sounds difficult.