Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not having larger for MIL... ?

710 replies

Bibijayne · 02/03/2019 08:57

MIL came to stay for a couple of nights this weekend. She has just stormed off upset this morning because my husband didn't offer her a larger last night (we don't have any!)

We have a 6 month old. And were never the biggest drinkers before. Last night my sister and BIL invaded briefly (unexpected but pleasant) because she wanted to celebrate her first pay cheque since getting a big promotion. Her hubbie was driving - so only on lemonade. She had a nice bottle of whisky. She had a single shot (measured) as did my husband and I. She offered a shot to my MIL but my MIL said she doesn't like whisky.

Unbeknownst to me, she asked my DH if we had anything else. We mostly have some spirits (literally not touched in over a year... Most unopened) and a couple of bottles of wine (saved for a special occasion and bought on our honeymoon 18 months ago. Plan was to open one on our anniversary later this year). He said what we had (not much). She asked if we had any beer or larger. He said no (we don't, but there's a very nice beer and larger shop about 3 minutes walk from our house. So if we fancy something we just go and buy a single bottle). He said we had tea, coffee, squash and lemonade too.

This morning, we come down. DH wanders into the kitchen (she's been up for a bit, but not really said hi. We've been feeding and wrangling the small person. He's breastfed, so I fed him upstairs). She then gets massively emotional. All I can hear is her saying (tearfully) 'I don't want to impose' before running for the door, with my husband chasing after her begging her to stay.

I am flabbergasted and ask if it was us asking about the latch (5 mins before I'd noticed she'd left the front door open after going for a fag. Before then going out the back door. We're fairly centrally located in a biggish city and this is a security issue! She's used to living in a village, DH said he'd mention it. I thought she may have overheard and been offended. Though not sure why :/ )

DH then explains that she felt we were policing her alcohol consumption. And she wasn't welcome because he said we had no larger...

She turned her phone off and drove off. So DH hasn't been able to get hold of her.

Really not sure what on Earth is going on!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bibijayne · 02/03/2019 15:54

@Huskylover1 it was a half bottle. Not a mini.

OP posts:
YourSarcasmIsDripping · 02/03/2019 15:54

@Purplecatshopaholic and if she suddenly turned around and said nope,I want lager what would you have done?

Huskylover1 · 02/03/2019 15:55

DameDoom Wow, they sound very similar. Madness!

Ce7913 · 02/03/2019 15:55

Torkette

"...There is some really nasty disablist bullying going on within this thread. The op clearly stated she is autistic..."

Thank you. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.

So many posters virtue-signalling about hosting etiquette* in the same breath as they mock or snidely disparage OP's communication style.

adherence to which can apparently only be served by either having the exact* drink a guest feels like on a particular night - despite their never having indicated a prior preference for it - or, having enough of something that grandma can get sauced over what was intended to be a quiet dinner in with a six-month old.

Original poster
Bibijayne · 02/03/2019 15:56

@Asta19

We did have booze, but she wanted something different to what was available. She also wanted a different drink to what she usually likes. We had not been planning to drink.

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 02/03/2019 15:56

What would you have done, if she'd finished the half bottle? That's only 2 glasses of wine!

Janecon · 02/03/2019 15:59

Everything I read on this thread makes me think you made her feel unwelcome. The not offering the Prosecco etc, the pushing the boat out to accommodate your sister, the issue with the latch, you going up to put the baby to bed at 8pm and not coming down again.....

Maybe she's right to be upset, maybe she's not. But I hope you manage to find out soon and sort it.

Ce7913 · 02/03/2019 16:00

Purplecatshopaholic

I can't decide whether to say I'm sorry or congratulations. She sounds like a hag and you're well rid of her.

I'm sorry (that she was such a bitch)

Congrats (on losing said bitch)

Huskylover1 · 02/03/2019 16:00

We had not been planning to drink

Had you asked MIL to decide before her visit, whether she wanted wine? Or did you make that decision for her? She's a grown woman. She might decide at 7pm to have some wine.

All of this said, if I was going to stay with DS and his GF, I would take the wine I wanted to consume, plus extra as a gift. But they are quite young and not really experienced at having visitors and hosting.

As a fully fledged adult, I would always have enough booze in to cover what guests might want.

CinammonPorridge · 02/03/2019 16:01

I would have the partner make contact in few days to check she is okay.

I would have a couple of lagers in next time she comes round.

I would have a good moan about it to the partner or mumsnet.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 02/03/2019 16:02

Please, stop defending yourself, OP. You have nothing to defend. You've done nothing wrong.

This thread is bonkers.

CalamityJune · 02/03/2019 16:03

I also agree that you probably made her feel unwelcome by your tone or body language. Your description of the alcohol in your home was detailed and could have been summed up by 'SIL brought whiskey, we don't really drink but we had a few spririts and bottles of wine in'.

I would have gone to the shop for her.

MamaDane · 02/03/2019 16:04

Why would she need more than half a bottle of wine, even if she wanted the wine?
Shock How much do you people drink?
She could literally just have had some lemonade, or some water or coffee.

When my MIL visits we rarely drink alcohol, because it's just not in the case. We tend to only drink on occasions like birthdays or other celebrations.

This alcohol culture you have is strange. Surely a grown woman could settle for any other drink available in the house.

Original poster
Bibijayne · 02/03/2019 16:04

@Huskylover1 been very surprised because that would be very out of character. I'd have asked if she wanted anything else and popped to the shop if she wanted - likely with her - as we have done on many previous occasions. MIL has stayed dozens of times and this has never been an issue before. I'd have likely made her a G&T though (which we have and she usually likes, and which was offered along with the other spirits we did have in by DH. She didn't want any of those.)

OP posts:
ElizabethMountbatten · 02/03/2019 16:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

MamaDane · 02/03/2019 16:05

*in the house

Original poster
Bibijayne · 02/03/2019 16:08

@Janecon

We didn't push the boat out to accommodate my sister. I added some extra veg and put on beef burgers for myself and my BIL. I gave my sister my lamb chops and went without.

OP posts:
Janecon · 02/03/2019 16:14

@Bibijayne I get that. I'm just saying how your MIL might have perceived it. Rightly or wrongly.

Original poster
Bibijayne · 02/03/2019 16:18

@Janecon - ah yes, I see. That makes sense!

OP posts:
myadviceisdontskippaps · 02/03/2019 16:19

Why is everyone focusing on OP being responsible for making her MIL happy and no OP’s DH? Or at least that’s how I’m reading all these replies.

And also ignoring the bit where she says a) she never saw her MIL drink lager before or ask for it and b) her DH is the one who had the conversation about booze with his mother?

M4J4 · 02/03/2019 16:19

@CalamityJune

Ah yes, must be the OP's fault, it's that pesky woman's tone and body language, even though op WASN'T EVEN THERE when the conversation about larger and wine happened Hmm

M4J4 · 02/03/2019 16:20

Autocorrect, lager

NoRightIsIt · 02/03/2019 16:24

I assume the MIL wanted to come for company and to see her DGC. I wouldn’t be buying in a load of booze in those circumstances. I don’t drink and I wouldn’t anticipate a relative who was visiting to see my child wanting to have a whole bottle of fizz to herself. They are coming to visit a baby not have a family party!! Honestly it’s no wonder the UK is screwed up if this is the norm. Can’t adults go without drink??

OP HAD catered for her MIL with the HALF bottle which is enough for an evening drink especially knowing she goes to bed at 9pm. The DH was at fault for not offering this when the whiskey was turned down and the lager requested. That was bad hosting.

I’d also say she might have liked to helped with the baby’s bath rather than be left downstairs like a spare part but I know everyone had their own boundaries around this. My own MIL for various reasons wouldn’t be trusted to bathe dc alone but I have asked d she wanted to help and she was always quite pleased to assist me and obviously enjoyed it. Shame the OPe MIL stormed out but I don’t think the lager was the issue really.

Yabbers · 02/03/2019 16:25

And also ignoring the bit where she says a) she never saw her MIL drink lager before or ask for it and b) her DH is the one who had the conversation about booze with his mother?
Are you ignoring the bit that says there is a small bottle/beer/lager shop 3 minutes away?

Purplecatshopaholic · 02/03/2019 16:27

@YourSarcasmIsDripping, I would have had lager in! Thats just me I guess and not you and thats fine, but I want people to have their tipple of choice when they come over.