Not having larger for MIL... ?

[Bibijayne]

MIL came to stay for a couple of nights this weekend. She has just stormed off upset this morning because my husband didn't offer her a larger last night (we don't have any!)

We have a 6 month old. And were never the biggest drinkers before. Last night my sister and BIL invaded briefly (unexpected but pleasant) because she wanted to celebrate her first pay cheque since getting a big promotion. Her hubbie was driving - so only on lemonade. She had a nice bottle of whisky. She had a single shot (measured) as did my husband and I. She offered a shot to my MIL but my MIL said she doesn't like whisky.

Unbeknownst to me, she asked my DH if we had anything else. We mostly have some spirits (literally not touched in over a year... Most unopened) and a couple of bottles of wine (saved for a special occasion and bought on our honeymoon 18 months ago. Plan was to open one on our anniversary later this year). He said what we had (not much). She asked if we had any beer or larger. He said no (we don't, but there's a very nice beer and larger shop about 3 minutes walk from our house. So if we fancy something we just go and buy a single bottle). He said we had tea, coffee, squash and lemonade too.

This morning, we come down. DH wanders into the kitchen (she's been up for a bit, but not really said hi. We've been feeding and wrangling the small person. He's breastfed, so I fed him upstairs). She then gets massively emotional. All I can hear is her saying (tearfully) 'I don't want to impose' before running for the door, with my husband chasing after her begging her to stay.

I am flabbergasted and ask if it was us asking about the latch (5 mins before I'd noticed she'd left the front door open after going for a fag. Before then going out the back door. We're fairly centrally located in a biggish city and this is a security issue! She's used to living in a village, DH said he'd mention it. I thought she may have overheard and been offended. Though not sure why :/ )

DH then explains that she felt we were policing her alcohol consumption. And she wasn't welcome because he said we had no larger...

She turned her phone off and drove off. So DH hasn't been able to get hold of her.

Really not sure what on Earth is going on!

"...She's usually fine, but can sometimes be a bit dramatic ... with YBIL and YSIL especially.... She has been a bit more - I'm not quite sure how to define it - full on? More sensitive? - since we announced our pregnancy last year. She's done a few (I think) quite odd things over the last few months... I would have said we had a really good relationship until recently..."

It is really common for MsIL to act out their resentment and/or sadness at no longer being number 1 in their son's life with passive-aggressive/attention-seeking nonsense designed to redirect her son's attention and emotional priorities to her.

... Or to elevate her (perceived) loss of worth by going out of her way to find fault with her son's marriage or wife, or home in general.

If I had a dollar for every woman who's told me "I thought I had a great relationship with MIL, until I became pregnant/got engaged", I'd have - well, only about $90, but that's a whole lot of lager.

Just because it's common, though, doesn't make it okay.

BibiJayne, you and your husband shouldn't make the mistake of thinking that if you just anticpate cater to MIL's every little feeling and give her all the access to and authority over your family that she wants, regardless of her behaviour, that she'll feel more secure and chill out. You won't be doing her (or you) any favours, in either case - you'll just be feed her entitlement and enabling her to delay helping herself.

Nor should you chase and coddle her when she's being dramatic and manipulative, or let her get away with passive-aggressive martyr games. You'll just be rewarding dysfunctional behaviour, end up creating a monster, and be miserable besides.

Sure, include MIL now and then when it works for your nuclear family and as long as she's behaving respectfully.

But encourage her to make efforts to help herself - to improve her social network, to get therapy, to take up some hobbies. It is not the job of your nuclear family to fill all the holes in her social landscape. That is MIL's responsibility.

Well I don't have lager in the house and if a guest declined whiskey and mentioned, 'I prefer lager' it would never occur to me to say, 'LET ME DROP EVERYTHING AND GO BUY YOU A LAGER.' That would be bizarre and embarrassing.

People are being ridiculous here OP. Your MIL was either having a bad morning for other reasons or she's an alcoholic.

If she was a true alcoholic she’d have drank the whisky or the wine.

@Bibijayne because people on MN can be royal assholes sometimes and pick apart every single little thing out of pure spite or fake suspicion that’s in their heads. I’m very sorry you got an undeserved kicking.

This thread is hilarious. It has it all.

I was with my husband for 25 years, married for 23. When he cheated and left (last year), MIL didnt even phone me to check I was ok and has not bothered to make any kind of contact at all - some people are not worth putting yourself out for....

@Purplecatshopaholic how is this even relevant?

I can't believe the amount of criticisms that are being lobbed at the OP.

You haven't done anything wrong, OP. Nothing. Nor has your DH.

Unfortunately, your MIL is seeking attention for some reason, and you two are 'it'.

People are nuts.

YourSarcasmIsDripping

This forum is hilarious at times.

Slightest mention of being fussy about food and they're all selfs,entitled,spoilt,boring,unimaginative scum of the earth.

But if a guest mentions a drink they want for the first time ever that you don't have and denies all other options? Well obviously run to the shops straight away,while apologising profusely and possibly massaging their feet at the same time..."

This. I'm blown away at how hypercritical some posters are being of OP and her husband's perfectly reasonable, hospitable behaviour, and how simutaneously eager they are to gloss over her MIL's passive-aggressive, manipulative histrionics.

JingsMahBucket

"...The responses you’ve had on here @Bibijayne are totally batshit and really mean even after explaining you have ASD. I picked up on it before you mentioned it and I also just thought you were being detailed to avoid drip feeding.

I also really wish people would read the OP’s posts instead of deliberately being goady and making fun of her..."

Could not agree more. OP, I'm mortified at how rudely you are being treated, and give you a lot of credit for patiently re-explaining your posts over and over again to PPs who hurl criticisms before they've even bothered to read all of your posts.

@JingsMahBucket, I meant sometimes its all about them and thats not helpful. But thanks for the sensitive comment...

The weirdest thread. Your mum is behaving like a drama queen about her booze. The idea that you rush out yo the shops if a preferred option ain't there when you have guests is just bizarre. Drink something else, have water. I'd be mortified if I went over to someone's house and they rushed out to buy something for me. If I'm specific about what I want I bring it or mention in advance.
And yep in families with babies it's ok to both disappear for a while to settle the baby and come back. Having your mil round isn't hosting a dinner party.
Sounds like your mil is adjusting to the new family dynamic. Let her. Don't pander to her.

Namechangeforthiscancershit

Re. OP's post: "...He was excited about company but also hungry and tired and wouldn't settle with people around so DH and I took him upstairs for a bath, story and bedtime. DH went back downstairs to chat to his mum..."

You said, "...That’s not a great evening for your MIL though is it? Did you need to do the bath/story/etc together? Did you go back down after all that? It reads like she would be been sat there (lager-less grin) for quite a while feeling like a spare part..."

She invited herself last minute to the home of working, sleep-deprived parents with a six-month old teething baby. That's the reality of their life. If MIL wasn't understanding of that, then she is the unreasonable one, not OP or her husband.

Were they supposed to disrupt their child's schedule and bedtime routine for MIL's entertainment?

Shouldn't the needs of a teething baby come before the wants of an adult?

Is she not a grown woman? Can she not occupy herslef for an hour?

...Seems rather like if I were to invite myself to my partner's football game, then bitch that he barely paid attention to me.

Your question is are you BU not to have lager in for MiL.

I'd say yes, when everyone else was having a drink and a laugh. Obviously she's your DH's mum, so if he offered to go to the shop and she said not to bother, that's between them.

And well done to the PP who has accused her of having a drink problem for wanting a drink when everyone else was having one! Maybe she just fancied a lager!

She invited herself last minute to the home of working, sleep-deprived parents with a six-month old teething baby

Did the OP say that she invited herself last minute?

You bought your MIL one miniature bottle of Prosecco?

I cannot fathom in my wildest dreams, how you anyone could buy so little for a guest. What goes through your mind?

So, if she drank that, and shock horror wanted a 2nd glass, what then? You'd say no and give her squash?

Fucking Rock and Roll.

My family like wine and prosecco. When they visit, I have in at least 2 full bottles per person, and then a few more for good measure. Absolutely no-one would be treated like a child, and rationed to one glass.

The only place for miniature Prosecco is Wine Advent Calendars. And maybe train journeys.

A teething baby does not need both parents.

She invited herself last minute I keep reading this last minute thing but I can’t find any reference in the OP’s posts

The MIL is clearly struggling. I don’t understand what is so wrong or “coddling” to make someone who is having a crap time feel a bit special and loved.

Well, I find that weird. People visiting a couple with a tiny baby don't need to get tanked up.

So the definition of good hospitality is to have enough booze in for all guests to get slobbered?

I think the OP has issues with alcohol as she seems so controlling over it. So yes it would not surprise me if the MIL feels judged around alcohol.

How is it 'controlling' to just not have a lot of alcohol in the house? Some people don't.

I am not suggesting "pandering" to the MIL, but it's her son who should be trying to sort this out, as I reckon he is mostly responsible through his inconsiderate actions. It just sounds like you all actually have a very amicable relationship usually and it would be a shame to have that spoilt over something very minor in the grand scheme of things, but for some perhaps unknown reason has sparked a complete over-reaction. I bet your MIL is also very upset and embarrassed too, but on second thoughts might be best to leave her be for a few days before her son tries to have a calm and reasonable conversation with her.

The only place for miniature Prosecco is Wine Advent Calendars. And maybe train journeys.

And lunchboxes

@Huskylover1

You bought your MIL one miniature bottle of Prosecco?

I don’t understand this question. It sounds like you’re nitpicking. Why on earth would they buy a regular sized bottle of Prosecco just for the MIL? She wouldn’t have been able to drink it all by herself! The OP and her husband don’t drink that kind of alcohol if they drink anything at all. Also the OP said she bought the kind her MIL likes.

Just because you’re fine downing an entire bottle of Prosecco yourself doesn’t mean that everyone is or can.

I genuinely don’t know anyone who doesn’t have any in, and offers adult guests squash. But for me the controlling thing is the way OP is able to describe alcohol intake in such a precise manner. I accept that might be the OCD though.

Sorry! ASD!

@clairemcnam she’s not controlling, she’s just detailed in her descriptions due to ASD.