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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not having larger for MIL... ?

710 replies

Bibijayne · 02/03/2019 08:57

MIL came to stay for a couple of nights this weekend. She has just stormed off upset this morning because my husband didn't offer her a larger last night (we don't have any!)

We have a 6 month old. And were never the biggest drinkers before. Last night my sister and BIL invaded briefly (unexpected but pleasant) because she wanted to celebrate her first pay cheque since getting a big promotion. Her hubbie was driving - so only on lemonade. She had a nice bottle of whisky. She had a single shot (measured) as did my husband and I. She offered a shot to my MIL but my MIL said she doesn't like whisky.

Unbeknownst to me, she asked my DH if we had anything else. We mostly have some spirits (literally not touched in over a year... Most unopened) and a couple of bottles of wine (saved for a special occasion and bought on our honeymoon 18 months ago. Plan was to open one on our anniversary later this year). He said what we had (not much). She asked if we had any beer or larger. He said no (we don't, but there's a very nice beer and larger shop about 3 minutes walk from our house. So if we fancy something we just go and buy a single bottle). He said we had tea, coffee, squash and lemonade too.

This morning, we come down. DH wanders into the kitchen (she's been up for a bit, but not really said hi. We've been feeding and wrangling the small person. He's breastfed, so I fed him upstairs). She then gets massively emotional. All I can hear is her saying (tearfully) 'I don't want to impose' before running for the door, with my husband chasing after her begging her to stay.

I am flabbergasted and ask if it was us asking about the latch (5 mins before I'd noticed she'd left the front door open after going for a fag. Before then going out the back door. We're fairly centrally located in a biggish city and this is a security issue! She's used to living in a village, DH said he'd mention it. I thought she may have overheard and been offended. Though not sure why :/ )

DH then explains that she felt we were policing her alcohol consumption. And she wasn't welcome because he said we had no larger...

She turned her phone off and drove off. So DH hasn't been able to get hold of her.

Really not sure what on Earth is going on!

OP posts:
Ellapaella · 02/03/2019 13:29

Host: Would you like to join us in having a drink? We're having a whisky to celebrate.
Guest: oh yes please, but I'm not keen on whisky, do you have any lager?
Host: no, but there's a lovely beer shop just round the corner - let me go and get you some.

Job done. I think that's what most people would have done in this situation. Maybe MIL is a bit over sensitive and has been a bit silly but then you also should have just gone to get some lager. It wouldn't have been much trouble.

schnubbins · 02/03/2019 13:29

I cannot imagine not having , beer ,wine, prosecco etc, etc in the house at any time of the year to offer guests , expected or unexpected .It just good hospitality and making people feel welcome.I always can throw something on the table to eat also .You could have looked after the baby and your husband the entertaining.

LadAlive · 02/03/2019 13:32

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Namechangeforthiscancershit · 02/03/2019 13:33

Bloody hell- her ex husband and her son had babies 3 months apart? Shock

Your MIL needs some love. And if I were her I’d need some booze.

This is easily fixable, but by your DH not by you. He needs to give her a bit of looking after.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 02/03/2019 13:34

@Bibijayne did MIL have anything to drink at all last night?

Aubaine · 02/03/2019 13:38

I’m guessing the stated age of ‘51’of the StepMIL ( who has just had twins) is either another (coincidentally hilarious) typo or, if true, another unusual medical-related condition in the OP’s extended family.

I’m curious to know if the MIL is actually ‘larger’. And if her weight is a medical issue.

gottagetbetter7 · 02/03/2019 13:39

It is quite refreshing to see a post where most people side with the MIL! I think YABU but you are never going to accept that so seems a bit pointless to keep repeating the points about you being poor hosts, judgemental, excluding and so on! However you say that you usually have a good relationship so I would try and get over this blip, the woman is obviously dealing with some big issues. Does she live far away, could your DH visit her to try and get to the bottom of it?

Aubaine · 02/03/2019 13:40

X post with you LadAlive but completely agree with you about Yabber’s post - is what I’m getting at given the update about the twin-producing 51-year-old third wife.

CantStopMeNow · 02/03/2019 13:41

She has literally never drunk lager before. Ever. I've know her for five years
OP - this isn't about alcohol - if she were honestly that bothered she could have walked 3 minutes to the shop and bought herself some.

She's just using that as an excuse to strop at you all as 'punishment' for whatever else is bothering her.
I guess the real reason she's upset is more along the lines of not being the centre of the universe anymore, her other dc have their own partners and lives - and now your dh's priorities have changed even more now he has a baby - and she doesn't like it.
She was probably even more pissed off that your dsis turned up and 'took the attention' away from her even more.

Stropping, storming off and refusing to answer the phone is blatant attention seeking behaviour.
She wants you to grovel, plead and go out of your way to pacify her - making her the focus of your attention.
She's made a mountain out of a molehill because the drama ensures that you give her more headspace - it's very manipulative behaviour actually....

I'd leave her to it and let her contact you whenever she's ready.
Don't apologise for anything because you haven't done anything wrong.

Quite frankly if my mum behaved like that i'd be disgusted....obviously alcohol/this molehill seems more important to her than spending time with her new grandchild.......

LadAlive · 02/03/2019 13:46

I particularly enjoyed the OP's post with the long list of reasons why their drinking etiquette isn't up to par.
One lunged buddhists etc Grin

GabsAlot · 02/03/2019 13:50

i wouldnt worry op my mil stayed for a weekend once kept going in my cupboard and eating some special sweet i ordered off the internet

i didntg mind first few times till half the box was gone and i just made a comment-dont eat all the sweets now

well you would think id told her she was a murderer-stormed off and said she'd never ben so offended-it was pathetic

DistanceCall · 02/03/2019 13:53

To me (and I may be completely wrong) it sounds like this has absolutely nothing to do with booze or not being hospitable. From what you say, it sounds like your MIL is feeling extremely insecure in general. She probably feels that now that her children have their own families, she no longer has a place in their lives, and feels excluded.

A bit childish, yes, but we all have moments like that. if this is a one-off in an otherwise good relationship, I think your husband (and, secondarily, you) should chase her up a little and ask her what's wrong, and assure her that you love her and want her in your lives etc.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 02/03/2019 13:56

I thought it was about a fat MiL too.
However I'd have gone and got her some lager, or more likely sent dh out for it.

FriarTuck · 02/03/2019 13:58

crosses off ASD, Dyslexia and twins on MN bingo card
LadAlive - you do realise that actually there are quite a few of us on here who are autistic, partly because the internet is much easier than real life for us? And that dyslexia is often a co-morbid condition with it? So perhaps you could try not to be quite so offensive and remember that not everyone is as perfect as you obviously are Hmm

Original poster
Bibijayne · 02/03/2019 14:00

Wow @yabbers and @LadAlive - do it need to upload statements to prove ASD and dyslexia? Bit of an odd accustation... also, seriously not trying to drip feed. Though lots of people have written in comments not made by me. Like breastfeeding :/ I do often do this downstairs. And in company and have not said otherwise. It was 7:30am and I hadn't had a shower yet so fed DS before coming downstairs and saying Hi. DH came down at 8am and we were going to all have breakfast together, but his mum left. MIL had been up since about 5am, which is her usual routine. Last night, guests were welcome to stay in the house after DS went to bed, but we needed to take him up to get him settled. He was excited about company but also hungry and tired and wouldn't settle with people around so DH and I took him upstairs for a bath, story and bedtime. DH went back downstairs to chat to his mum. My Dsis and BIL headed off when I went upstairs to put DS down for the night.

OP posts:
YourSarcasmIsDripping · 02/03/2019 14:02

This forum is hilarious at times.

Slightest mention of being fussy about food and they're all selfs,entitled,spoilt,boring,unimaginative scum of the earth.

But if a guest mentions a drink they want for the first time ever that you don't have and denies all other options? Well obviously run to the shops straight away,while apologising profusely and possibly massaging their feet at the same time.

Original poster
Bibijayne · 02/03/2019 14:04

No, 51 is not a typo.

MIL is pretty slim.

It sure why I'm being made fun of here. :(

OP posts:
MamaDane · 02/03/2019 14:04

I don't understand why anyone would be upset at not being offered a specific type of alcohol. That seems pretty rude. If I'm a guest at someone's house (MIL's e.g.) if no one has anything to drink that I don't like, I just drink water. Confused
Seems like a really strange reaction.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 02/03/2019 14:05

He was excited about company but also hungry and tired and wouldn't settle with people around so DH and I took him upstairs for a bath, story and bedtime. DH went back downstairs to chat to his mum

That’s not a great evening for your MIL though is it? Did you need to do the bath/story/etc together? Did you go back down after all that?

It reads like she would be been sat there (lager-less Grin) for quite a while feeling like a spare part.

JingsMahBucket · 02/03/2019 14:10

The responses you’ve had on here @Bibijayne are totally batshit and really mean even after explaining you have ASD. I picked up on it before you mentioned it and I also just thought you were being detailed to avoid drip feeding.

I also really wish people would read the OP’s posts instead of deliberately being goady and making fun of her.

Neither you nor your husband have done anything wrong. Your MIL has a lot going on and something in her finally broke. It just happened to be at your house and not her sitting alone in her own house. The poor thing probably feels embarrassed by her reaction and needs to lick her wounds for a bit. Hopefully she turns her phone back on and starts responding to messages soon.

Holidayshopping · 02/03/2019 14:11

so DH and I took him upstairs for a bath, story and bedtime. DH went back downstairs to chat to his mum. My Dsis and BIL headed off when I went upstairs to put DS down for the night.

Hmmm.

Why did you both go upstairs!?
How long was your MIL downstairs alone for?
Why didn’t you come back downstairs after you’d put the baby to bed?

LondonBelongsToMe · 02/03/2019 14:12

The last time my MIL came to stay, she sent an email detailing the foods that should be stocked in the house and what they wouldn’t eat. Despite accommodating those demands, as a non tea drinker, o failed to offer her a cup of tea immediately on arrival. Instead of asking for a fucking cup of tea, she clenched and was still complaining a year later about how inhospitable I am not to have offered the tea. (The woman stayed for 3 days and didn’t so much as clear a plate to the sink...). Not entirely relevant but thank you for letting me vent.

Original poster
Bibijayne · 02/03/2019 14:12

@Namechangeforthiscancershit I stayed upstairs as DS has been teething and a little hard to settle lately. But DH went down after 10 mins. He and MIL stayed up a bit watching Netflix. She usually goes to bed early as she likes to rise early. But I'm not sure when she went to bed as I fell to sleep pretty quickly. Teething sucks and I'm a little sleep deprived at the moment.

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 02/03/2019 14:15

It’s fair enough for you to stay up if you needed to. It would have been nicer though if your DH could have stayed with him mum though while you did the bath etc

Original poster
Bibijayne · 02/03/2019 14:15

Thank you @JingsMahBucket - I'm not sure why I'm being accused of lying or drop feeding. :(

OP posts: