Not having larger for MIL... ?

[Bibijayne]

MIL came to stay for a couple of nights this weekend. She has just stormed off upset this morning because my husband didn't offer her a larger last night (we don't have any!)

We have a 6 month old. And were never the biggest drinkers before. Last night my sister and BIL invaded briefly (unexpected but pleasant) because she wanted to celebrate her first pay cheque since getting a big promotion. Her hubbie was driving - so only on lemonade. She had a nice bottle of whisky. She had a single shot (measured) as did my husband and I. She offered a shot to my MIL but my MIL said she doesn't like whisky.

Unbeknownst to me, she asked my DH if we had anything else. We mostly have some spirits (literally not touched in over a year... Most unopened) and a couple of bottles of wine (saved for a special occasion and bought on our honeymoon 18 months ago. Plan was to open one on our anniversary later this year). He said what we had (not much). She asked if we had any beer or larger. He said no (we don't, but there's a very nice beer and larger shop about 3 minutes walk from our house. So if we fancy something we just go and buy a single bottle). He said we had tea, coffee, squash and lemonade too.

This morning, we come down. DH wanders into the kitchen (she's been up for a bit, but not really said hi. We've been feeding and wrangling the small person. He's breastfed, so I fed him upstairs). She then gets massively emotional. All I can hear is her saying (tearfully) 'I don't want to impose' before running for the door, with my husband chasing after her begging her to stay.

I am flabbergasted and ask if it was us asking about the latch (5 mins before I'd noticed she'd left the front door open after going for a fag. Before then going out the back door. We're fairly centrally located in a biggish city and this is a security issue! She's used to living in a village, DH said he'd mention it. I thought she may have overheard and been offended. Though not sure why :/ )

DH then explains that she felt we were policing her alcohol consumption. And she wasn't welcome because he said we had no larger...

She turned her phone off and drove off. So DH hasn't been able to get hold of her.

Really not sure what on Earth is going on!

@Alsohuman

"Who, when they have guests and hears them up and about in the morning, doesn’t go down, make them a tea/coffee and chat to them? "

MIL likes to get up around 5am. She has told me and DH repeatedly not to get up when she does and she likes to relax with a coffee and a cigarette on her own early.

Oh and I think I’m going to use this in future:
‘Quiet night in (lamb chops)’.

@Thisimmortalcurl he's called but her phone is still off. He's also messaged.

"..MIL came to stay for a couple of nights this weekend... We have a 6 month old baby... We were just having a quiet night in..."

"We had... spirits... Prosecco... tea, coffee, squash and lemonade too..."

"MiL... has just stormed off upset this morning because my husband didn't offer her a larger last night (we don't have any!)... She said 'no bother' at the time to DH so he didn't think any more of it..."

"...All I can hear is her saying (tearfully) 'I don't want to impose' before running for the door, with my husband chasing after her begging her to stay... She turned her phone off and drove off. So DH hasn't been able to get hold of her..."

1. I give her a 9/10. It'd be a 10/10, but the cross wobbled a little when she hoisted herself up on it.

Seriously - what absurd, manipulative histrionics.

And your husband bought right into it, rewarding her with his frantic (continued?) pursuit.

1. All the shaming of OP and her husband as the 'black holes of fun' for not drinking much, or frequently, is bang out of order.

1. Without MIL making OP and her husband feel self-conscious as hosts with her passive-aggressive victim act, I doubt she'd bring up their drinking habits at all.

It's quite clear to me that OP was clear and detailed about how infrequently she and her husband drink in order to illustrate the fact that for them, every single minor social interaction doesn't revolve around alcohol.

And therefore, why they might consider that:

"...spirits... Prosecco... tea, coffee, squash and lemonade too..."

...was an entirely respectable selection from which MIL could choose. One made ever more so by the fact that we're talking about a sleepover at her son and DIL's house.

Not a party.

Not a formal dinner.

Not even a backyard barbecue.

...A quiet night in at her son and DIL's with a 6 month old and some flipping lamb chops, for goodness' sake.

This isn't hosting a vegetarian with only omnivorous foods or plain rice to chose from, or offering a health-conscious type nothing but junk-food and carbonated beverages.

1. Everyone who is chastising OP for 'making her MIL feel left out' by breastfeeding in private where she is comfortable is being seriously uncool.

OP owes no-one a front row seat, and anyone who getd their 'feelings hurt' for not getting one is so far beyond ridiculous and entitled that I don't have the words for it.

...5 mins before I'd noticed she'd left the front door open after going for a fag. We're fairly centrally located in a biggish city and this is a security issue!..."

1. OP, I could be wrong, but one possible interpretation of your MIL's inane dramatics is that she is struggling with no longer having the central role in her son's life now that he is a grown man with a family.

It's possible that unexpectedly having to 'share' your, your husband and your child's attention due to the impromptu visit from your relatives (on a sleepover weekend where she may have anticipated 'having you to herself'), combined with not feeling like the guest of honour because of the conicidence of your not having the drink she preferred for an unplanned toast, served to bring home to her that you guys have this whole life that doesn't (and shouldn't) revolve around her.

I say this because of the 'don't want to be a bother/not welcome' comments, and because you and your husband - The Children™ - rightly excercising your adult authority to hold her - The Mother™ - to account with respect to the security of your own home seems to have been the final straw for her.

...Reaching this milestone and having your role shift so dramatically is not an easy thing to confront, and I don't think anyone is unsympathetic to that, but it's important that you or your husband don't coddle her or allow her to manipulate you the way she currently is. Especially as your child is six months old - this is not some brand new development.

As long as you guys continue to be kind, her emotions surrounding her changing roles are hers to address and manage, with therapy if need be.

Of course, only you and your husband know if this sort of behaviour is out of character - i.e. the passing sensitivity of an otherwise respectful and supportive person - or if this passive-aggressive, manipulative, martyr-y schtik is actually her usual flavour.

If you have a guest and they ask for a beer you don't say 'there's a shop down the road'

this, x 1000!

Your DH was awful to not pop out for the 3 minute walk to get his Mum a nice drink!! Shockingly bad hosting, no wonder she's feeling unwelcome. How mean!!

@fluffiphlox

It was St David's Day yesterday. So I thought lamb would be fun.

@GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap

He didn't say there was a shop down the road... He just said what we had in the house. I mentioned the shop in my OP because if I'd have known I'd have popped out/ sent him to go and get some lager.

DH was BU, telling her there was a nice shop 3mins away after asking if there was anything else!

OP. I was only teasing about the chops. 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿

*because if I'd have known I'd have popped out/ sent him to go and get some lager

Why couldn’t he have thought of that??

Xpost

MIL never asked for lager before

But she did this time. Her son should have got off his arse and walked the 3 minutes to the shop to get her some.

I fancy lamb chops now!

@Ce7913

Thank you! This is really useful info. She's usually fine, but can sometimes be a bit dramatic (not usually with us, usually youngest BIL and his wife). She has been a bit more - I'm not quite sure how to define it - full on? More sensitive? - since we announced our pregnancy last year. She's done a few (I think) quite odd things over the last few months. But most of the time is pretty good. I would have said we had a really good relationship until recently. I think lots of changes may be the issue. She recently sold the family home. Two of her son's are now married (though youngest BIL is 28 - DH is 35, BIL 1 32 and SIL 30) and her ex (my FIL) has recently had twins with his current wife (they're 3 months older than my DS). So lots has been going on. Which is why we have told her she is welcome over. As have my parents.

Do I take it with a name like Bibi there's a religious aspect to the alcohol puritanism?

Also: a couple of bottles of wine (saved for a special occasion and bought on our honeymoon 18 months ago. Plan was to open one on our anniversary later this year) - what wine is this to be kept 2 years: the Ambrosia of the gods? Unless it was terribly expensive you could have offered her a glass of this and bought a replacement bottle later for your anniversary. Or you could have offered her the prosecco you'd already bought.

Be honest though this isn't just about not having a lager, this is a combination - she comes over but at the drop of a hat your DS turns up and is made the centre of attention; you all charge your glasses for a toast to your DS then offer her only tea, coffee or squash; you hear her get up in the morning and hide away; you have a go at her for leaving the door open when she has a smoke. No doubt there are other snubs you've not told us.

I would feel very unwelcome in those circs so it isn't the case that She has just stormed off upset this morning because my husband didn't offer her a larger last night.

This made me laugh. Parental visits are a total minefield, especially with a baby. My mum takes offence at everything. If I ask her to come at a certain time she takes it to mean I don’t want to see her rather than I’m just busy irvhave other plans. If I have my mother in law to stay one more night than her last visit I’m being unfair (even if she didn’t want to stay longer). If I so happen to select cuisine they don’t like I’m doing it on purpose. It goes on. Funnily enough We had the drink argument too. We aren’t exactly drinking loads at the moment as we’ve a 9 month old who doesn’t sleep. Plus 9 months prior was pregnant so the most I can handle is a glass of wine, maybe 2. To be honest, it’s just not on my radar at the moment. Parents are always odd about the lack of booze. We aren’t purposefully not stocking up we just aren’t drinking that much. So when we only had 2 bottles of wine in my parents took that to mean we were judging their consumption (casual dinner, husband and I will have a glass each giving them probably at least 1.5 bottles between them on a Tuesday night..). Apparently I was putting a limit on them. I just thought that was enough.

Basically I think their behaviour is the old people equivalent of having a tantrum. They want attention and need to feel included in your life and get ‘fretful’ that you have another life now that they aren’t part of.

But overly dramatic but it would not have hurt your dh to nip out and buy a couple of bottles of beer when the whiskey situation arose, not everyone is comfortable of walking down the road alone at night even 3 mins

Think your last post explains why she's hyper sensitive at the moment. She's got a lot going on and her mind is probably all over the place. She might feel like an extra unwanted part everywhere at the moment.

I hope she's back in touch with you guys soon. Could your DH take her out for pub meal/walk or something so she gets some mum/son time and he might glean what's going on.

I think @Ce7913 has it spot on, but I do really feel for the MIL all the same.

IME sons rarely continue a close relationship with their parents once they settle down and have children. This poor woman has three sons, two are married, her x-husband has just had twins AND she's just sold the family home. She's probably feeling incredibly lonely and emotional (or worse, on the verge of a mini-breakdown...).

Out of context she is BU, but I think she needs some temporary reassurance and probably a good cuddle. This may unfortunately have to come from you as your DH will never do it!

What @Ce7913 said. In spades.

I suspect she wanted to turn up, be the matriach, sit holding baby a lot and be waited on.

Instead she read things wrong (who doesn't lock the door, even in a small town?), baby is breast fed and only likes mum, mum is sensitive about breastfeeding and wants to do it in private, she got treated like one of the family, not a queen, and it turned out her son wasn't a mindreader.

Added to which she is feeling generally a bit lost about her place in the world - her babies aren't her babies any more, they are grown adults with babies of their own, grandparenting isn't turning out to be like parenting and it all fell apart over a non-existent lager.

CE7913 is spot on.

And I don't feel sorry for the overly dramatic MIL at all. She's attention-seeking ... and her son is playing right into it, chasing and texting her about begging her to stay/come back.

She lives in a village, you live in a city where it is a security issue to leave the front door open. My guess is that she would not have felt safe walking to the shop alone at night. You should have offered that your DH would buy her some.
Your MIL also has a lot going on so will be more sensitive at the moment.
I am also guessing from her age that she is menopausal. I have no idea if this is affecting her, but it is fairly common when menopausal to get upset at things that were not such a big issue normally. You know when people talk about pregnancy hormones and bursting into tears over the slightest thing? Some women going through the menopause get the same thing.

she comes over but at the drop of a hat your DS turns up and is made the centre of attention; you all charge your glasses for a toast to your DS then offer her only tea, coffee or squash; you hear her get up in the morning and hide away; you have a go at her for leaving the door open when she has a smoke.

She herself came over for an overnight stay with only day notice. Plus the sister was only there for 2 hours.

She was offered soft drinks,tea,coffee,spirits and wine. She said she was fine.
There was another person drinking lemonade only.

She wakes up at 5 am!!!

They haven't actually mentioned this to her, and if the did fair enough because se left the door open AFTER she had her fag.

Anna None of my family living in the countryside lock doors. Some don't even lock the door if they are going out for the day.
I understand it may be the obvious thing to do where you live, but not everyone in Britain would agree.