To not go to friends wedding tomorrow...I'm the bridesmaid

[sillyandsally]

I had a baby 3 months ago and she isn't sleeping on a night at all.
I'm lucky if I get 2 hours sleep.
I'm exhausted to a point I feel sick.
My friends wedding tomorrow and I'm bridesmaid but I know tonight I will be lucky to get even 3 hours sleep so I'm going to be in no fit state.
I feel so sick and exhausted with tiredness.
Aibu to tell her I can't go?
The wedding is at 1pm but she wants me over at 9am for makeup and hair.
I don't know what to do

Oh my god. Some of these comments are mind boggling.

OP, I would rather have gouged my own eyes out than attend my best friends wedding at three months, and that's WITH a DH to support me.

But, that said...I think you're going to just have to try your best. I know it feels hopeless right now, but go to bed now and try and get whatever sleep you can and then reassess in the morning. It's just one day. You CAN do it, even if it feels like an impossible task right now.

If you don't go what is your plan? To do the same thing you do day in day out and still not get more than 3 hours sleep?

You have to go to the wedding and just get on with it. You might enjoy it. Get yourself to bed ASAP.

But after that you need to arrange some help during this stage as it's obviously affecting you

@JaquesHammer I’ve seen you on here enough to know that you take great delight in disagreeing with the majority for the sake of it. I’m assuming you think it makes you witty, or edgy, rather than a bit sad. I don’t care what your response is. You’re impossible to take seriously.

What you mean like the competitive “I had X kids and was soooooooo tired and I still managed”

People posting to say “look I’ve been there. I get it. But it’s manageable” is actually quite different to tripping over yourself to sneer at people who have the audacity to think a wedding day is kind of a big deal.

As PPs have said - the time to drop out is not the night before the wedding. You’ve missed the window and you do have to go. It is hard, but you have to, if you value the friendship.

I was a bridesmaid on less than 2 hours sleep.

It was about the only day in my six years of sleep deprivation (2 kids who each didn’t sleep through until over 3 ) that I didn’t want to cry - or actually did cry - with exhaustion.

Once the day was started the whole thing was just so lovely and happy and exciting and fun that I forgot how tired I was. I even stayed up past midnight! I know!

Whatever you do decide to do, don't just stand her up. Call her, speak to her about it. A good friend will care, and understand. If you were my friend, I'd be gutted but I'd understand, particularly if you can manage to go to the ceremony.

People posting to say “look I’ve been there. I get it. But it’s manageable” is actually quite different to tripping over yourself to sneer at people who have the audacity to think a wedding day is kind of a big deal

I’ve been in the position of the bride in this scenario. It’s actual experience.

I’ve seen you on here enough to know that you take great delight in disagreeing with the majority for the sake of it. I’m assuming you think it makes you witty, or edgy, rather than a bit sad. I don’t care what your response is. You’re impossible to take seriously

Crushing. Especially given I’ve never come across you before. Clearly you don’t make an impression.

Ivana notwithstanding the disagreement, would you mind not @ing me please? Despite turning notifications off, I still get them. Thank you.

Totally agree with ivanapee...

Jesus, no, you absolutely cannot be the MoH and not show up because you're knackered! 😮

I get you're exhausted; we've all been there. But this,you absolutely cannot do, unless you're willing to shit all over your close friend's wedding, lose her friendship, and regret it forever once you're out of this fog.

I really feel for you, OP. Those early weeks are so difficult. But I think you've left it a bit late to not go tomorrow.

Can you tell her you'll be there later than asked? Or find somewhere to sleep at her place before the wedding?

I hope you manage to work things out. Sleep deprivation is misery, it really is.

I'm getting married in a few weeks and can say perfectly honestly that it really wouldn't ruin my day (or even my friendship with my MOH) if she really felt she had to pull out in this scenario.

I'd be sad that she wasn't with me to celebrate, but I'd also be concerned for her, and I'd rather she looked after her own mental and physical health than be there and very unhappy/unwell. Perhaps if I'd assigned my MOH a load of duties I'd need to find others to do, I'd be slightly stressed, but it just wouldn't be the end of the world.

I was a maid at dh best friends wedding 2 weeks after getting our dt's home from nicu, the bride and groom were awesome and sent me for a nap in their room late afternoon/early evening after photos/before meals in my frock and shoes still as I was so tired

I couldn't let my best friend down the night before, think I'd be too much of a chicken to do so no matter how burst I was.

I hope you go and have a brilliant day and bow out as early as you can do.

Poor you op. What a difficult time you're going through.

It's endless now but it honestly won't last forever. Dig deep for tomorrow and you'll look back and be proud of yourself for doing so. It's the right thing to do

This is your best friend speak to her.

Yes it's the night before her wedding. Yes it'd be lovely to have you there.

But really you've got a small needy baby. You're a single mum. It's bloody hard.

Speak to her. If I were her I'd want you to prioritise your needs and your baby.

Celebrate another way when you can together.

It’s one of your best friends weddings. You suck it up and go. In ten years time you will regret not going.

Really?!

What "friend" expects someone with a new-born and 3 hours sleep a night - been there! - to be so selfish as to expect them to come over to help them "with hair and make-up"?!

10 years is a long way away. Your kid will need you around OP, your mate will probably be divorced. She sounds like a bridezilla.

Why the hell did either of you think this was a good idea anyway?

Has she even been around to see you and the baby while in the throes of planning her wedding? (haven't RTFT, sorry).

@JacquesHammer

I'm sure you @'d someone further up the thread?

One rule for you....

I'd agree with PP- there is a small clique of notoriously disagreeable posters who delight in being a 'final word'.

We don't all agree with you, and that's ok.

What have you tried to get her to sleep? Thinking on my feet as a quick fix for tonight:

If b fed try a bottle of formula if she feeds about midnight - if she’ll take bottle, ask Ex to drop round

White noise or womb noise on a loop on your phone if you can’t sleep through this get in the spare room with the monitor - she’ll be fine. My DD slept much better without me there.

Yeah sorry you have to go. A mutual good friend let my bf down on the morning of her wedding (and I would say for more legitimate reasons than yours, although still not in hospital/death of a close family member/dead themselves which are about the only excuses I would accept) and their friendship has never fully recovered.

I want to add too that I was no bridezilla and I would have had a hard time forgiving my friend pulling something like this.

*I'm sure you @'d someone further up the thread?

One rule for you....*

Absolutely. They were being deliberately unkind to the OP.

*I'd agree with PP- there is a small clique of notoriously disagreeable posters who delight in being a 'final word'.

We don't all agree with you, and that's ok*

Of course it is. I’m just saying it isn’t a given the bride would be angst ridden and devastated. Hence my very first post suggesting the OP speak to her friend.

OP, I don't think you have any choice but to go. However, what can you do to make tonight easier? Is the baby asleep now? If so, go to bed.

Is the baby breastfed? If so, at the first wake up, bring them in with you to co-sleep - they can feed while you doze. If formula fed, do a bit of prep now - boil some water, put some in a flask ready to go, leave some in a sterile container to cool, take the water and the formula to your bedroom and when they wake for a feed mix the formula with the water from the flask and top up with the cool boiled water so it's immediately at the right temperature. That should help for the baby not to wake too much before being fed and hopefully will settle back to sleep a bit easier. If the baby struggles to settle in the cot, co-sleep just for tonight. A quick google will tell you how to do it safely.

You need to focus on maximising your sleep by any means necessary for tonight. One night won't be habit forming.

'Shit all over her wedding'? Good grief!

What IS it about weddings, specifically brides, that mean they have to be put before absolutely every other consideration?

OP, if I were your friend, I'd tell you how sorry I was you were struggling so much and leave it up to you whether you came pretty much as you were - sod matching dresses and hair and make-up, I'd be delighted to have you at my side as you are in a pretty dress from your wardrobe - and went home after the ceremony, or whether you couldn't face it at all. And I certainly wouldn't be ending the friendship

@JacquesHammer got to agree with what they are saying. I never look at peoples names but there are a few I have seen repeatedly arguing the toss on various threads.

You're one of them and assuming you're an adult it's quite sad

OP - stop reading this. Even if you are awake a paper book/the radio, not something like a screen that gives off blue light. Rest as much as you can. Then go to the wedding - you must have known a week ago things were not going to dramatically improve and possibly dropped out, don’t do it now.

Having hair and make up done and having people pitch in may make you feel better x