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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not go to friends wedding tomorrow...I'm the bridesmaid

729 replies

sillyandsally · 01/03/2019 19:05

I had a baby 3 months ago and she isn't sleeping on a night at all.
I'm lucky if I get 2 hours sleep.
I'm exhausted to a point I feel sick.
My friends wedding tomorrow and I'm bridesmaid but I know tonight I will be lucky to get even 3 hours sleep so I'm going to be in no fit state.
I feel so sick and exhausted with tiredness.
Aibu to tell her I can't go?
The wedding is at 1pm but she wants me over at 9am for makeup and hair.
I don't know what to do

OP posts:
JamesTobysMum · 01/03/2019 19:56

You poor thing I'm so sorry you're struggling and so overwhelmed. I completely understand how you feel I had a terrible time with my second one, but I had my dh to help me. The exhaustion takes over completely.
I think you must try and talk to your friend and do your best to get to the wedding.
Arrange to drop your little one as early as possible, and get there as late as you can. Then you may manage a nap before the wedding even 30 mins will make all the difference. Recognise the fact that you are very stressed at the moment, but it's only a few hours at the wedding and you can do it, being out will probably make you feel better.
Then after the wedding you need to ask everyone parents in law / dad / neighbours for a few hours of help. They can take your baby for a walk and the stimulation will help wear the baby out which means better sleep. Find some playgroups other mums help with your own sanity. And you'll feel better able to do some sleep training but that's a whole different thread. They do grow up and things will get easier.
Good luck

museumum · 01/03/2019 19:56

Drop the baby off in your pjs then go home for an hours kip and be an hour or so late for hair and make up. You can do it.

IvanaPee · 01/03/2019 19:57

I can’t imagine being the type of person who would end a friendship over a single day when the friend is struggling with single-parenthood and crippling newborn tiredness.

I can’t imagine being the type of friend who waits until the night before the wedding to decide I’m too tired.

I’ve been there. 3dc. On tbe last one, dh was gone for six months from the time ds was 2 months old. I was on my knees. There’s absolutely no way I would have done this to my best friend.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 01/03/2019 19:57

Oh OP you sound so defeated but you really do have to go. The bride will look back at photos of you not there for the rest of her life, and when you’re more rested in the future you’ll look back and regret not going. Skip the morning if you must while you sleep while the baby naps - assuming she does nap in the day at 3 months old! - load up on coffee, slap on a smile and leave as early as you can.

PaintBySticker · 01/03/2019 19:57

“You must be in a terrible state to be even thinking that this isn’t unreasonable. That’s very sad. But I’m afraid you have to go.“

This is my view too. I think you just have to push through the same way you pushes through today. I absolutely feel for you though.

And if you absolutely can’t then you have to lie and say you’re desperately ill. And you have to tell everyone that same lie and never tell anyone the truth.

SouthernComforts · 01/03/2019 19:57

You really shouldn't let your friend down at this stage. Sleep as much as you can starting now, make up artists can work miracles on your tired face tomorow. Red bull, pro plus and off you go.

RogueV · 01/03/2019 19:58

Sounds really tough - but you will have to go Sad

JacquesHammer · 01/03/2019 19:59

I can’t imagine being the type of friend who waits until the night before the wedding to decide I’m too tired

The OP already said she hoped it would get better.

In the brides shoes I would be sad my friend was struggling, then crack on and enjoy my day.

Cheetahssitonfajitas · 01/03/2019 19:59

If you don't co-sleep, maybe try it (safely) just for tonight. It was the only way I could get a solid 2 hours sleep with DS, but I'd get 2 or 3 of these chunks in one night which made life bearable. He just woke less if I was cuddling him, and easier to get back to sleep yourself if you can just feed him without getting up.

pinkcardi · 01/03/2019 20:00

Go, you have to.

Go, and sleep for a few hours in the morning. Then turn up, plaster a smile on your face, stay for the dinner, dance a few dances and be in bed by 10pm.

Your daughter will be with her grandparents for the night so you can get some proper sleep.

In the longer term I think you need to tackle the lack of sleep and sleep train in a method that works for you, but that's something for the future and no tonight

Dillydallyalltheway · 01/03/2019 20:01

Please try and go, it would Be really unfair to upset the bride on her wedding day. Hopefully when you get there you will have a wonderful day and all the brides memories will be good ones. I think if you don’t go, you will be really disappointed with yourself. Maybe babies dad can have the baby Sunday so you can catch up with sleep. Good luck Flowers

IvanaPee · 01/03/2019 20:02

Honestly, the competitive “I don’t give a shit about weddings” on here is hilarious sometimes!

Back in the real world, it is not ok for the MOH to decide the night before her best friend’s wedding that she’s too tired to show up.

In the real world, it’s also ok to give a shit about your wedding.

LittlePaintBox · 01/03/2019 20:02

billballbaggins:

After the wedding is over I urge you to try and work on your DDs sleep - co-sleeping, overnights with a trusted family member, when she’s a bit older controlled crying (I am absolutely not advocating cry it out which is totally different) etc.

This ^^^^. You can't carry on with no sleep or rest. It will get better eventually, but there are things you can do to get more sleep now.

I had two non-sleepers, it was really emotionally hard since nobody else would EVER admit to their baby not sleeping. But maternal sleep deprivation is incredibly common, and I found out later that lots of the mothers I knew who were not complaining about sleep deprivation were in a worse state than I was.

I sort of fell into co-sleeping when I was so tired that I fell asleep in the middle of feeding DS1 and woke up to find he'd latched himself on again when he woke up. My sleep improved massively from that point on.

Can you get a regular arrangement with the grandparents so you get some time to yourself at the weekends?

I hope you can get to the wedding. Hopefully your friend will be understanding if you have to arrive late and/or leave early. You might find you actually enjoy it when you get there.

strawberryredhead · 01/03/2019 20:03

I really feel for you, in terms of the sleep, could you afford to get professional help - like there was somebody who does phone consultations, I paid £70 and they gave me tailored advice after finding out all the details about my baby’s habits and our routine etc. There are other people (more expensive) who will come to your house and give you advice. There wasn’t controlled crying, it was gentle methods to help get him into a better sleeping pattern. I just think you need something that’s going to help you to sort this. Of course it’s normal to be exhausted by this stage, but getting only three hours is really tough, I’d say that’s worse that what a lot of people go through. I remember one friend of mine who gave me the idea of calling the sleep expert, she said her boy woke up every 1.5 hours through the night, after a few months she was losing her mind. A bit of sleep deprivation is normal with babies but when it gets extreme it’s good to get help. Sending you very best wishes Flowers

Bringbackthestripes · 01/03/2019 20:03

YWBVU not to go-sorry. And I say this as someone who had 3 hours sleep a night for 6 years with a DC with ADHD/ASD. I also had to work 30 hours a week and was so tired I often wished I was dead but even then I wouldn’t have contemplated letting a friend down the night before her wedding.

You WILL get through it, it is just one day.

JacquesHammer · 01/03/2019 20:03

Honestly, the competitive “I don’t give a shit about weddings” on here is hilarious sometimes!

What you mean like the competitive “I had X kids and was soooooooo tired and I still managed”.

Funny isn’t it?

buzzbobbly · 01/03/2019 20:03

sillyandsally You sound exhausted, I feel for you.

BUT.

You were exhausted yesterday and the day before that. You still got through those days. So you can get through tomorrow as well. You can do it.

Your baby will be safe and cared for, all you have to do is neck the caffeine and let the adrenaline carry you.

Grace212 · 01/03/2019 20:03

am with JacquesHammer on this

if OP could "power through" I doubt she'd be posting this. Shuddering at suggestions of Red Bull and Pro Plus - I have chronic insomnia and can't take those things usually, but if I tried in a period of exhaustion, I would have a stomach upset within minutes. No one wants the MoH in the loo all day either surely!

expatinspain · 01/03/2019 20:03

You have to go. It's really out of order not to. You've coped this long, so it's just another day. If you are going to bail on her, you'd better think of a really good excuse/lie if you want to keep the friendship, as most people would find it hard to get past someone pulling out as Maid of Honour on the actual day of the wedding.

zod1ac19 · 01/03/2019 20:04

Of course YWBU to bail on a friend the night before her wedding!

Seriously do you have to ask the question? I know you are absolutely exhausted but to not go would be really really shitty behaviour.

strawberryredhead · 01/03/2019 20:04

P.s. I had already tried co-sleeping. Didn’t help unfortunately. And my friend was already co-sleeping. It’s not always the magic solution.

Tucobenedicto · 01/03/2019 20:04

You don't say how many other children you have..is it your first? Did your partner help you with your other children...I hope he isn't down the bloody pub when you are in such a state..I really hope you get through this..I am sure you will have a great day..

Barrenfieldoffucks · 01/03/2019 20:05

Drop baby as eat as possible, get to her house and have a sleep. Get up and be the last person to have make up etc done.

If I was your friend I would have no objection to tucking you in for a few hours.

JacquesHammer · 01/03/2019 20:05

@Tucobenedicto

Stop being deliberately goady. It’s unkind and makes you look a fool.

HotpotLawyer · 01/03/2019 20:05

Oh, gosh, lovely, no you are not selfish,

Single parenting of a baby is hard, hard, hard.

Try and rest now, go to bed early, sleep when you can. Loads of black coffee, do your best to enjoy as much if the day as possible.

Once you get there, the occasion will carry you through.

Then, tell some friends how you are feeling, talk to your HV, ask as many people as possible for help.

Flowers Brew
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