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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to friends wedding tomorrow...I'm the bridesmaid

729 replies

sillyandsally · 01/03/2019 19:05

I had a baby 3 months ago and she isn't sleeping on a night at all.
I'm lucky if I get 2 hours sleep.
I'm exhausted to a point I feel sick.
My friends wedding tomorrow and I'm bridesmaid but I know tonight I will be lucky to get even 3 hours sleep so I'm going to be in no fit state.
I feel so sick and exhausted with tiredness.
Aibu to tell her I can't go?
The wedding is at 1pm but she wants me over at 9am for makeup and hair.
I don't know what to do

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/03/2019 19:44

So sorry OP-
Broken sleep is torture but it’s too late to cancel and keep a friendship.
I’d suck it up, leave early and go home and sleep before you get your baby back home

Mummymummums · 01/03/2019 19:44

Please please don't let her down like this. Unless there's a major back story you need to get through it, even if you leave soon after the ceremony.
I say this as someone who had a non sleeping DD and was so exhausted I fell downstairs and my health was affected. But never would I consider letting down a close friend on such a special day.
To do this would undoubtedly over shadow the day for her. I don't think it's forgiveable.
Next week go and see your GP or Children's Centre to see what support you can get.

JacquesHammer · 01/03/2019 19:45

To do this would undoubtedly over shadow the day for her. I don't think it's forgiveable

Crikey such dramatics.

Springwalk · 01/03/2019 19:45

Sorry op just read your update.

I have changed my mind since reading it. Goodness op you sound like you are in a terrible place.

In that case, nothing else for it, call her first thing in the morning with a vomiting bug. If is going around, and let’s face it you feel sick from exhaustion so it isn’t too wide of the mark. I know you would be there if you could be.

You can’t tell her the truth, well at least I wouldn’t, she will never ever understand.

She will still have an amazing day op, it doesn’t depend on you being there. My bf didn’t make my wedding because she was ready to give birth and could not travel. I understood, some things just can’t be helped. You poor thing Flowers

didireallysaythat · 01/03/2019 19:46

You should go.

It's just another tiring day for you. Like today. Not special.

But it's your friend's wedding day. Very special.

Mmmmbrekkie · 01/03/2019 19:46

OP

Seriously I feel for you. Many of us on mumsnet have been there

BUT. You need to seriously woman up. This would be awful if you let her down, really really awful

Tucobenedicto · 01/03/2019 19:48

Cant your partner get up for the baby during the night

Hellohappy · 01/03/2019 19:48

You will still be exhausted if you don’t go but you will also have a baby to look after.

Flowerydenimdress · 01/03/2019 19:48

I can completely understand how you are feeling. Sleep deprivation is hell and doing it all on your own adds another dimension to it. The day might be a break that you need. However, can the grandparents have your LO again so you can get another day/break to yourself, catch up on some sleep? I don't think it is selfish to feel the way you are feeling. You must be utterly drained Flowers

JacquesHammer · 01/03/2019 19:48

Cant your partner get up for the baby during the night

The OP is single. No partner.

Anon10 · 01/03/2019 19:48

“Probably the most selfish thing I've read in a while.
I'm glad you're not my friend”

What a cruel and thoughtless comment. Is this really necessary? The OP is exhausted and parenting alone. Sleep deprivation and being a new mum is so difficult especially with the added stress of a relationship breakdown and being a single parent with no family support.
I’m sorry OP, your situation sounds really tough. I do think you should go to the wedding though if you can as it’s such short notice. Just try to rest as much as you can manage on the day, take a nap if feasible, and drink lots of coffee, water and eat (!) to get yourself through. When the dancing starts after the first dance, go and lie down somewhere quiet (and sleep if you can!) and use the chance to rest without your baby. The bride probably won’t miss you after that point. Then collapse at the end of the day and feel really proud of yourself for doing so much for your friend. And try to enjoy it if you can. Flowers

CalmDownPacino · 01/03/2019 19:49

I've changed my mind too. Feel sorry for you OP. I agree with Jacques in that I'd speak to your friend. I wouldn't want a friend of mine to be in such a state that she was thinking of dropping out the day before. Worst comes to worse I guess she just promotes the other bridesmaid to MOH.

Wedgiecar58 · 01/03/2019 19:50

Do NOT pull out now. Your friend asked you to be her bridesmaid which is a huge honour. To pull out now will send her into a tailspin.

Not to mention everyone at the wedding will be talking about the missing bridesmaid.

Do not do that to your friend. Power through. It’s possible

Springisallaround · 01/03/2019 19:51

I would not want a friend to come if she was on the verge of collapsing or mentally breaking down. I'd see if you can grab any sleep tonight, and if you simply can't, you can't- just use the vomiting bug excuse. I think you will be ok though if you get up and have a shower, but I don't think this is a life or death matter and if you cannot do it, you can't. People do pull out of weddings, it wouldn't be ideal but if you are, say, driving and dangerous to do so, then just make your excuse.

muchprefersummer · 01/03/2019 19:51

I know you feel awful but you have to go. You've said you're a single parent with little support - if you miss the wedding you'll also probably find yourself with one less friend too.
If a maid of honour cancelled the night before my wedding for tiredness - it would be friendship over for me I'm afraid.

hidinginthenightgarden · 01/03/2019 19:52

Bless you op. Unfortunatley it is too late to back out.

Go to bed now. Get as much sleep as you can and do your best tomorrow. Are you able to pop home for a cat nap at any point?

Are you breastfeeding? If so, is co-sleeping an option for you? I was beaten until I accidentally did it one night. We both slept and I felt better than ever. When he woke i just let him latch himself on and dozed back off. Bliss!

Adamsapple · 01/03/2019 19:52

I totally agree with walkingtheplank
Go, enjoy being pampered having hair and makeup done.

Hope you enjoy the day x

Springisallaround · 01/03/2019 19:53

Not to mention everyone at the wedding will be talking about the missing bridesmaid - really?If I knew the missing bridesmaid had given birth three months previously, was on her own and feeling ill with exhaustion, I wouldn't talk about it, it's not THAT interesting, I would feel sorry for her. The bride will care but no-one else will, really.

Bowerbird5 · 01/03/2019 19:54

You can’t pull out this late.
Take her and leave her have a nap at friends and get your hair done last.
I know sleepless nights are difficult but lots of people have to do it. I had three kids and was at college full time with DD. I coped and you will too unless you want to risk losing a friend.

LIVIA999 · 01/03/2019 19:55

Oh I feel so bad for you. Will the in laws pick baby up earlier so you can nap for an hour.
Maybe tell your friend too and just go late for hair and makeup.
Get the ceremony out the way and if you feel awful you could leave a bit early.
You might actually have a good day. Are they having baby over night for you.
I totally feel for you. I remember those days all too vividly.
You'll hate yourself if you pull out and prob spend the next months feeling awful so you prob may as well go anyhow at this point.

LynetteScavo · 01/03/2019 19:55

Hmmm...I got married when I had a 4month old non- sleeper, was breast feeding, had a close relative die three days before the wedding, making it a very sad day not only for us, but many of the guests.

I guess it depends how much you want to do something. I really wanted to get married.

I don't think you are too bothered about keeping your friendship with the bride. Because if you don't turn up, it won't end well.

Snowflake9 · 01/03/2019 19:55

You need to power through.. my bridesmaid did this to me a week before the wedding. After I had bought her dress, shoes, flowers and paid for her hair and makeup which I lost my deposit on. It was heartbreaking for me to not have my best friend with me.

I get you are tired but you made it through today, and the last few weeks. The adrenaline will see you through. You are building it up to much in your head.

It's the night before the biggest day of her life, she is stressing about a million and one things and this could really ruin her day. Just please, try your best. X

Tucobenedicto · 01/03/2019 19:55

Sorry you dont say if your husband can help with duties...maybe he is working I don't know but I think you should bite the bullet for one day and make that special effort for a friend

ineedaholidaynow · 01/03/2019 19:55

If OP had terrible PND and was struggling to cope as single mother, would you drop her as friend if she dropped out as BM? What sort of friend would you be? The OP is struggling, I am assuming if she is MOH she must be close to the bride. If I was the bride I would like to think I would say come later, or come as soon as you can drop off baby(if en route) and go and sleep in a spare room, if there is one available, for as long as possible.

As I said in an earlier post my friend who was my unofficial MOH (no pretty frock as was having a small unfussy wedding) had to cancel last minute being there in the morning as had ended up in hospital to have pregnancy monitored earlier that week. She had been home a couple of days by then. Her DH was also going to be there to support my DH. Think she phoned the night before the wedding to tell me. Did I break off our friendship? No because I am not an arse. She just said she wanted to take things easy but they would turn up to the ceremony. I was so happy to see them there, and we had some tears and a lovely photo taken together. Because that it was friends do

JacquesHammer · 01/03/2019 19:56

Sorry you dont say if your husband can help with duties...maybe he is working I don't know but I think you should bite the bullet for one day and make that special effort for a friend

Are you actually reading the thread? You posted asking about OP’s partner, I replied to say she had already said she’s single.

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