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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to friends wedding tomorrow...I'm the bridesmaid

729 replies

sillyandsally · 01/03/2019 19:05

I had a baby 3 months ago and she isn't sleeping on a night at all.
I'm lucky if I get 2 hours sleep.
I'm exhausted to a point I feel sick.
My friends wedding tomorrow and I'm bridesmaid but I know tonight I will be lucky to get even 3 hours sleep so I'm going to be in no fit state.
I feel so sick and exhausted with tiredness.
Aibu to tell her I can't go?
The wedding is at 1pm but she wants me over at 9am for makeup and hair.
I don't know what to do

OP posts:
foodiefil · 01/03/2019 23:26

I was recently bridesmaid with two other new mums and they both had husbands to help but also both turned up as the cars turned up for the church SO explain and get there when you can! You have a better excuse.

Ignore comments from users who haven't read your replies and have only read the OP

IvanaPee · 01/03/2019 23:27

@foodiefil didn’t you post before RTFT?? Hmm

foodiefil · 01/03/2019 23:29

@IvanaPee not being dismissive and/or rude - did you read my first comment?

IvanaPee · 01/03/2019 23:31

I don’t get what you’re asking, foodie?

You posted that you hadn’t read the whole thread then started lecturing other posters for not reading the full thread!

Just thought it was ironic!

foodiefil · 01/03/2019 23:36

@IvanaPee I meant that my first comment that I made without reading the thread wasn't rude or judgemental - which others have been - so I was saying before being rude or judgemental rtft.

Yes I understand the contraction in my posts but I hadn't been snappy with OP I'd still been understanding but after reading her comments I was able to respond with more understanding whereas others have read the op and made a quick judgment and responded a bit rudely. I suppose I mean I try and er on the side of caution if replying after reading one post then if I see further replies I can add more advice based on that context. But as I say yes I should also read as much as I can before replying

KingHenrysCodpiece · 01/03/2019 23:43

But if you were my friend and did that, I’d never speak to you again

Really? Not a very compassionate approach. Why do weddings turn people into completely self-absorbed individuals? I just don't understand it. It's one day. Yes it's important but not worth cutting a very stressed and exhausted friend off for life.

ineedaholidaynow · 01/03/2019 23:47

Also isn’t the most important thing about a wedding day, the getting married bit!

Kaleela · 01/03/2019 23:51

I did my best friends wedding as MOH with boobs hard as rocks as I couldn't pump till after photos. I sucked it up, I smiled. It was a happy day and memories I will cherish forever. You suck it up and you go.

GiantButtonsAreMyFave · 01/03/2019 23:52

I wasn't at all bridezilla about my wedding but if one of my bridesmaids had dropped out on the day (I only had 2 adults) I'd have been furious. It's beyond poor form. Unless your baby has been taken ill in hospital or something "I'm a bit tired" is a lame excuse. I got married when my first child was 6 months old, she NEVER slept, guess what? I showed up! Granted there was rather more riding on my attendance, but I got up and got on with it (had a wonderful day actually - irrelevant) but my point is you can survive one day tired! If you value your friendship you'll be there for 9. You can happily slink off early in the evening, one of my bridesmaids did as she had a small baby too, I didn't actually notice until the next day when I thought "oh I didn't say goodnight" - she was shattered so went back to her room at 9 or 10, I didn't ask, but no one saw her or her husband after then.

Tavannach · 01/03/2019 23:56

I'm glad that you're going OP and hope that you get a fair amount of sleep tonight and have a great day tomorrow.
Good luck and enjoy.
Flowers

NotTheFordType · 01/03/2019 23:57

Any friend who "cuts you off" (in working class talk, stops talking to you because you didn't turn up on a certain date) is a fucking loon

and yes I will still keep espuosing this position no matter the time of day or my level of inebration. "The one day you can't miss" jesus what the fuck.

Dont miss your child's birthday. That's basically it.

Yabbers · 01/03/2019 23:58

@KingHenrysCodpiece

Why does becoming a parent turn people into self absorbed individuals?

The OP had plenty of opportunity to warn the bride. Instead she went through the entire process of becoming a bridesmaid and didn't warn the bride. She could have told her last month or even last week there was a potential problem. Hell, she could have told her yesterday. But instead she has decided that just not showing up is the right thing to do?

I was no bridezilla, entirely relaxed about the event to the point I wasn't fussed about the things that didn't go to plan on the day. But if my friend had done this to me on the morning of my wedding at a time when I was getting ready to go and understandably a little under pressure with organising things, and all because she was "too tired" that is something I would have really struggled just to shrug off.

OP drip fed about anxiety, surely that alone would have been something to raise with the bride as a problem?

Crossfitgirl · 02/03/2019 00:05

Good luck tomorrow and hope you manage to get some sleep tonight OP xxx

MollyYouInDangerGirl · 02/03/2019 00:09

I think you should go.

If one of my bridesmaids let me down on the day I would be absolutely devastated, for a few reasons.

  1. I would think I'm not important to her
  2. I am paying for them to have their hair and make up done, and have bought their dresses for them. Just because they dont turn up on the day doesn't mean I dont have to pay for their pre booked hair and make up
  3. I have already paid for their meal/drinks etc and weddings are expensive per head

Please do go. Can you get more support from your partner over night so you can get some rest? You wouldn't have to stay for the whole evening, you could leave after the meal/speeches/whatever.

I think you'd regret not going and it could break your friendship

snitzelvoncrumb · 02/03/2019 00:11

You must be exhausted. As others have said go a bit later to get hair and makeup done. You don't have to stay all night.

MollyYouInDangerGirl · 02/03/2019 00:19

Just caught up on your other posts/replies and seen you've split up with your partner so apologies and obviously ignore that part of my comment.

I do hope you manage to go, and that you do have a good day

SpeakUpXXWomen · 02/03/2019 00:29

Ah the price of friendship. It's a wedding, it's the bride's day, you love her so get it together, you'll be fine. Maid of Honour is a big deal and not to be sniffed at, she trusts you to keep her steady tomorrow.

Drink loads of water in the morning and get your arse into that frock and along the road, as long as you make it through the service and hopefully food you are sorted. You might even have a laugh. Just go, try, it'll be worth it. Nobody will be paying any attention to you (except your bestie who needs you there) and you can leave early (if you want to) because having a new baby is totally knackering. Go easy on the bubbles and remember it's all about her. Have a lovely day.

Takethebuscuitandthesink · 02/03/2019 00:32

YABVU

You absolutely must go, honestly you make a commitment this is the most important event of your friends life and you will ruin it and make it all about you if you go down this path. Sorry to sound harsh but this sort of thing really gets my goat.

princesjet2 · 02/03/2019 01:10

I cannot believe you would even consider ditching your role as Maid of Honour, on the day of the wedding, due to lack of sleep. Your time to bow out due to baby tiredness was literally any time before the day of the wedding. Some people's lack of awareness of anything bar themselves is truly astounding.

MyKingdomForBrie · 02/03/2019 01:31

Hope you're getting some sleep op. Sleep deprivation is pure torture. I know you're going to go tomorrow however hard it'll be and you'll be glad you did.

In the longer term - are your parents around? Could in-laws have baby maybe one night a week? You need some support for this period Flowers

ChristmasArmadillo · 02/03/2019 01:34

I feel for you very much as I have one who woke every two hours to bf for two years. I was a maid of honor on the other side of the world during that time and I look genuinely dead behind the eyes in most of my poor friend’s photos. You have to do what you have to do. It’s just one day. Flowers

BlackCatSleeping · 02/03/2019 01:41

Good luck! I'm sure it's mostly the lack of sleep aggravating your anxiety. Do what you can to get through the day and then see if you can get help with the baby. Would yourEx's parents be able to take her one afternoon a week or something, just so you can get a break?

HappyLife21 · 02/03/2019 01:45

Good luck!

Middlrm · 02/03/2019 01:47

So sorry you are so sleep deprived, I completely understand as is 1:42 am and I am sat with my 3 month old in my arms.

It is too late to pull out, but try to see if they will let you nap between hair and make up.

It hay sound strange but a bit of time away fro. You baby may be slightly more restful or at least a change for you, I am sure if you left after first dance she would understand.

You are doing an amazing job and as I keep saying sleep deprivation is used as a form of tourture and I understand why. But I hope you get a semi decent night the day will be done before you know it x x

Mookie81 · 02/03/2019 02:38

Drip feed of 'anxiety' as soon as the thread isn't going OP's way.
Always the way.

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