To not go to friends wedding tomorrow...I'm the bridesmaid

[sillyandsally]

I had a baby 3 months ago and she isn't sleeping on a night at all.
I'm lucky if I get 2 hours sleep.
I'm exhausted to a point I feel sick.
My friends wedding tomorrow and I'm bridesmaid but I know tonight I will be lucky to get even 3 hours sleep so I'm going to be in no fit state.
I feel so sick and exhausted with tiredness.
Aibu to tell her I can't go?
The wedding is at 1pm but she wants me over at 9am for makeup and hair.
I don't know what to do

How long are your in-laws having your dd till

Just to say OP - and I don't know how much help it is, but it sounds as though you are using the lack of sleep to focus your anxiety on
Perhaps you could use some techniques that you would have done when you were previously anxious about going out.

Also I know this isn’t to do with parenting, but I was amazed that Ellen MacArthur survived solo round trip without ever sleeping properly. But because she was an athlete she was taught how to do it properly.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/science/2005/feb/12/sailing.sciencenews

I’m an insomniac so I get it. Let me say the night before something big feels overwhelming. I’m always in cancellation mode. You will be fine. You know it but it’s massively hard. Good luck x

OP, I understand - I have twins who used to tag team all night until they were about 14 months. One of them didn’t come home until two months old and then week I got no sleep at all. Then he got really sick, we had to monitor at Home for five nights (we watched him in shifts but I was so scared I couldn’t sleep) and then he was admitted to HDU where he stayed for 11 nights and I had to stay with him 24/7 with nothing but a chair by his bed. By the end of that stay I was so exhausted I was hallucinating, my milk dried up, I spent whole days crying - never felt so ill in my life.

What’s the arrangements tomorrow with the GPs? Could you ask them to pick your baby up earlier and then let the bride know you’ll be a bit later so you can grab a bit of sleep? Are they keeping the baby overnight? If so you can get some proper sleep then - if not then ask them to.

And have a word with your ex - just because you’ve broken up doesn’t mean everything should fall to you. He should be helping out and his parents too maybe?

Can your ex take the baby out for a walk on Sunday morning and let you have a lie in? Or come round and take care of the baby while you sleep? Get some earplugs! Put some white noise on tonight, helps you sleep as well as helping the baby.

You need to set up regular times for your ex to come and offer help - you are going to run yourself into the ground and it’s dangerous

Only read about 1/4 way down and got to this post

Probably the most selfish thing I've read in a while. I'm glad you're not my friend.

Jeez get some empathy!! She’s 12 weeks postpartum and utterly and completely sleep deprived! My DD was like yours, I was averaging 1-2 hours a night some nights, I was basically hallucinating and genuinely couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t drive or food shop, or plan anything. I could barely function just looking after Dd and wasn’t even looking after myself (eating/washing/going to the toilet!) DD was SO unsettled and wouldn’t sleep.

Turns out she has severe silent reflux and cows milk protein and soy allergies (along with her TT and colic).... OP have you had these things ruled out? Being that unsettled doesn’t sound normal.

I survived eventually by cosleeping (I had to let DD sleep ON me, she wouldn’t sleep next to me in bed even!) and she needed 20mg omeprazole and a strict exclusion diet (I was Bf) to achieve symptom control

Does this ring any bells with your baby?

www.reflux.org.au/information/common-characteristics-of-reflux/

My fear of passing out was always because it seemed like it'd be absolute loss of control (when I already feel out of control anyway with anxiety and panic and insomnia). One thing I've found that helps a lot when I'm panicking is to say to myself (I KNOW how daft this sounds to anyone else reading, but this is what helps me), "Right come on then panic, do your worst. But I'm giving you 20 seconds. So if I'm going to collapse/pass out/have a stroke you have 20 seconds to do that to me". Then I count down in my head backwards from 20, really slowly and breathe in and out. I've never passed out/collapsed/had a stroke from the panic like I fear.

I think the problem here is that you've left it until the last minute. You should've bailed weeks ago to give her a chance to replace you. Do your own make up, get there later than nine and bail early afternoon, you'll be there for the ceremony etc, not ideal but the best compromise at this stage. You need to ask your exes parents to have DC another day soon so you can sleep for a day. I also have s three month old and whilst I do have a helpful DH, he works long hours and in BF so he can't take over the nights. DS sleeps in two to three hour blocks, after one miraculous week of five hours, and doesn't nap in the day out than on me, so I do know how tired you are, but you've left it too late not to really upset your friend on a day that's very important to her.

Hi op, I'm really sorry you're feeling like this.
I'm going to be completely honest, if you were my friend cancelling the night before, I'd be pretty gutted. I wouldn't lose you as a friend and would continue to try to help you so that you can get more sleep in future.
I will say, I think that the different scenery might do you good. You'll be busy helping her get ready and photos and a meal and then you can just head home whenever you feel like. See how it goes.

For future, does the child's dad help at all?

Also will the grandparents have the baby over night tomorrow? Because then you'd be able to have a full nights sleep. Is your relationship good with them?

I don't even think this is about tiredness. I think you're anxious about being a bridesmaid. You sound exactly like me when I was a bridesmaid for my friend - I felt sick, couldn't sleep, wanted to back out etc. I think it was the having people look at me etc and just plain nerves.

But I went and I got through it.

wHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.

I mean seriously, the OP is in the background of some photos and maybe there to pass the toast and butter when Op can't eat for nerves.

DO NOT GO. Your children are far more important than your ex.

@sillyandsally you can totally do this! Be gentle with yourself, believe you can get through the day tomorrow, and think about how good it will feel when you can look at your friend's wedding photos with you in them, remember how she sounded when she said her vows, and how kickass you look in that bridesmaid dress.

I hope you sleep as well as you possibly can, but even if you get shit sleep, you can handle this - look at everything you're handling already. You are not going to mess anything up, it'll be totally fine. Sending you a hug, and sleepy thoughts xx

Fucking bridesmaids, jesus i cant even

^I want to be her bridesmaid
I want to have a good day like normal people
I just wish I could^

You can...

I got up off my death bed, riddled with infection, on tablets you wouldn’t even believe, crippled in pain and overwhelming anxiety from the whole illness and I got myself to my friends wedding. I couldn’t even walk I had two other friends hold me up.

That’s not me saying ‘I’ve one upped you’ that’s me saying if I can do it, anyone can! I’m a bailer, although I don’t usually make plans to start with anymore but I did it, I had one last cry, one last scream in agony then I got ready (well, my partner got me ready) and we went, armed with painkillers and cannabis, and we did it and I’m so unbelievably glad I got to experience it, my friend and her new husband! You won’t regret going I promise you!

That said, you should have told months earlier.

I was at work after six weeks on that much sleep. You should go.

Hilarious how the MN mantra of ‘it’s a wedding, not a summons’ and telling posters to refuse to attend weddings or be bridesmaids because they have babies or childcare issues is suddenly reversed.

Give over. 24 hours notice is a bit different than saying "thanks but no thanks" when the invite drops months before.

Ford are you ok?

Ford, put the gin down hun.

I was actually trying to be supportive. If you knew me IRL you would understand why I’m saying if I can do it, anyone can.

I did this when my baby was 3 weeks and fully breastfeeding.
I showed up at the house at 8am., as requested. Nobody was awake. I lapsed into a coma during the hairdressers.
The small BM shoes went missing. I found them while BF my newborn. Sorted!
We walked to the church. We walked a fair distance to the reception, whilst I fed my baby.
During the reception, I ran dry of milk. We went home, and supply resumed.
I will never regret a thing!