MIL acts oddly about my younger son

[singwhenyoureswimming]

DH and I have two sons aged 8 and 5. Both nice boys and pretty normal kids.

I’m not even sure how to word this but my MIL will sometimes ask for my elder son to stay overnight for movie nights or to take him out for the day. She never asks to include younger son and if I suggest it she just seems to cloud over. When the boys were younger this was ok in the sense that my elder son was easier work at say 5 or so than my then 2 year old.

However, now my younger son notices that his nan doesn’t really want to include him. I have put a stop to her doing one on one things with elder son because I am not happy about the disparity in the way they’re treated.

Anyway, my own mum will have both boys round and look after them from time to time and they’re both close to her as am I. I have asked her if my younger son is perhaps difficult if other people’s care but she’s said he isn’t and his primary 1 reports have been glowing so I don’t think he’s a demon child.

I guess the straw that broke the camel’s back was a couple of weeks ago, quite by chance, my husband won a slap up meal through work and we asked my MiL to keep the boys for a few hours. She said she’d just keep my elder son but not younger. I refused as my younger son didn’t want to be parted from his older brother and they do enjoy each other’s company. My own mum was on holiday so the meal was cancelled. She won’t be pushed on why she treats them differently. My DH is also one of two boys and he insists that they were treated the same.

Perhaps I’m over reacting or expecting too much from MIL but, as I said, we don’t ask her for much and the occasion of the meal was perhaps the first time in over a year we’d asked her for help with childcare as she is the one asking for elder son.

Next time she asks older son to stop over/go to the cinema etc, just say firmly “no! I’m no longer allowing you to favour older son as both bots are manageable”

Stop ds1 contact? Say nothing. When mil asks say can't coz ds2 starting to notice... Unless she wants to take turns.
Thats what I would do
Good luck

You NEED to have it out with her and say your youngest feels his nan favours his brother and does not love him. Make it sound clear that he notices the difference. My eldest was treated different by my partners dad for a few years as not his child. They always favoured our son and that was bad enough but i was very vocal now its fine. My mum tends to always blame our youngest and favours my older child but i think that is because we lived their until he was 4 and my youngest was a baby so their bond was stronger. However she has had both on their own when ever they have asked and often looks after both. She treats them equally despite i am sure favouring one. Tell her in order to see one she sees the other and to get one on one with him she does the same with younger child first. Before it creates a rivalry as they grow older.

In this scenario, there is NO reason or excuse for treating your dc so differently and appallingly, and for that reason I and DH would be telling her that the last time she saw DS1 was the last time she WAS seeing DS1. Simply saying "you should ask her why" is pointless, what reason could she give that would make a parent say "Oh I see, that's all right then, carry on treating DS2 like shit"??

It's totally unacceptable, utterly nasty behaviour, whatever the cause. I wouldn't let her see them again because I couldn't trust her to treat them both the same and appropriately. So it would end here.

Odd the op hasn’t been back when she’s posted on another couple of threads.

I had two brothers, one older one younger. My paternal grandmother didn't like women - no women, ever. So, she adored my brothers and had no time for me. She lived in a huge flat overlooking St Ives harbour. She would insist on having my brothers in the summer, but I'd be unwelcome. My parents would send me to stay in the countryside with cousins, which I really enjoyed.

I didn't blame my brothers or my parents. I blamed my grandmother. It made me sad that she didn't want me, I missed my brothers and wished that I could do things like build massive fortifications in the sand or play in the penny arcade on the pier. I didn't hate her or feel angry with her and the few times she came to stay with us I behaved exactly as I did with any other relative. She still didn't like me but it wasn't because of me it was because I was a girl.

My other relatives, whom we saw often, made up for my grandmother's attitude. Many of them would give me special attention, take me on days out and so on.

My brothers were great, they would share the very generous Christmas and birthday presents they got (generally I got nothing) from her, so I did benefit as much as they did, or nearly.

I have no idea why your MIL is being like she is, but I do know that how your ds2 feels about it will be down to how you handle it and how you explain it to him.

Sadly, this is an incredibly common family dynamic. And it's equally damaging for the children whether they've been cast in the role of either the golden child or the scapegoat. It can screw with their heads for years; often well into adulthood.

An ignorant, small-minded, mean-souled human being such as this can never be other than a toxic influence. Families have been broken apart because of this sort of behaviour. Contact with grandchildren is a privilege, not a right, and this would be enough to have that revoked in my family. At the very least, unsupervised contact with either or both children would be a no-no for me.

OP this needs to stop now exactly this happened with my boys. Ex-mil obsessed with eldest son, caught her trying to get him to call her mummy And now that he's 12 she wants him to live with her and bad mouths me all the time when they are with their dad. They are awful to youngest DS who comes home really unhappy. They also encourage the eldest to be hurtful to his brother which I will not tolerate and causes rows at home. I would minimise the time the boys spend with her & never let her have the eldest alone. I speak from bitter experience. She sees both together or neither. Awful woman.

So she has two sons? Was DS2 her last shot at a granddaughter? I only say that because my DM was "gutted" when her third and final grandchildchild/grandson was born

If she's not going to treat them both fairly then I wouldn't be letting her spend time alone with the eldest.
It's completely unfair. She clearly has an issue with something and it's wrong that the 5 year old is noticing.
She is mean!

I have personally had this situation with my son and daughter. They always wanted my daughter, only remembered her birthday, not his. Only offered her sleepovers, etc. So I said to them all: treat them the same or you have no contact. Their choice. They chose to not see either of them. That was 2 years ago. They still post my daughter birthday presents..... and not my son.

Oh god Mummacake I would go completely nc with her, and not allow her to see any of them as she is utterly toxic.

Have you asked your bil if he felt he and your dh were treated the same?

I believe there is always favouritism (maybe that's not the right word) but a different kind of bond with the first born grandchild. But that being said does not mean any further grandchildren should be secluded/left out. My MIL is amazing with my kids. I have a 3 year old daughter and 10 month old twins. She has my 3 year old every Monday night and the twins on a Thursday night....then once a month on a weekend she has all three. She doesn't treat them differently (Just age dependant obviously) and she loves having all three of them! I find it very weird why your MIL doesn't ask for your youngest on his own
...I think you should confront her because it sounds like your other half doesn't want to push the boundaries and ask her something she will feel uncomfortable about. Unfortunately there are things in life that everyone doesn't like to hear but sometimes it needs to be said! Good luck! X

Did your MIL want a grandaughter?

MIL almost tried this but I was so shocked at the whispering about special holidays alone I went batshit on the spot and just blurted out that dd2 would be devastated to be left out and that wasn't fair. I just don't feel at all comfortable with someone talking to my child about time alone without speaking to the parents first but I really don't think that mil realised what she was doing or how it looked until I reacted like a crazy person!! She's never mentioned it again.

Agree YANBU we only have 1 DD (5&3/4) sister has 5 own kids and 1 step child. OUR MUM fabour my sisters youngest daughter (own child number 4) over everyone else even though she claims to treat them all the same! Her excuse is child no 4 wasnt planned or wanted by her father (not the same father as the rest) but its wrong to have favourites all children in the family should be treated the same. Stop contact until she realises, also DH needs a reality check if he thinks him and DB were treated the same obvs not!!!!! And that is sad ☹️

@mummacake I totally sympathize. MIL and SIL are both toxic but it took me a while to realize. Favouring one child, badmouthing me. Am breaking up with DP but quite worried about their free access to DS when we do. At the moment I limit it. It’s awful and the OP should not underestimate it.

My mother was the same. My sister’s eldest child and my own eldest were the favoured ones for no logical reason at all. Horrible for the others.

Phase her out. Not to be trusted

Pinacolada you are right to be concerned. Try to limit access wherever possible - difficult if this is where DP will live. Aeroflotgirl , I am totally NC but they turn up outside his school promising all sorts and telling him that mum has cut them out of his life - it's making his pre-teen years horrendous tbh. Missingstreetlife has it spot on - if ofcourse you can phase her out. Protect the dc at all costs- she sounds toxic.

Read up on narcissistic granny. It might open your eyes to her behaviour. Theres a lot of them about unfortunately

My XP's mother is like this. Her second husband was vile to my XP when he was a child, used to beat him and verbally abuse him (because he refused to call him Dad) while favouring his brother who wanted for nothing. She was complicit in this. Husband has since died but the legacy lives on. While we were together, for 10 years, XP was totally NC with her.

XP has mental health problems but has resumed contact with his mother and now he is allowed to see our children again he has started taking them to see her. I have had it written into the court contact order that under no circumstances is she to be allowed solo access to the children and they are not to be left alone with her at any time. I really worry that history will repeat itself except this time they favour my DS1 as XP has told his mother that the younger ones are not his (they are).
XPs DB is NC with his mother because she tried to bribe his children not tell their parents that she was giving them money to buy things their parents wouldn't allow. So she has plenty of form.

OP I think you should not allow either of your boys to see her until you have some answers. And speak to BIL and get his side of the story. Good luck

Your MIL sounds like a selfish woman. I am the eldest of 3. My dad's mum treated us all differently (she also favoured My dad's younger brother). I could do no wrong (and I really tried to) my little sis could do no right and my baby sis didn't exist. It all exploded when we were late teenagers but by then the damage was done 😢

Tell her equal or not at all either one.

It's not fair to either of your sons. Make sure your dh understands how harmful this is so he will back you up.

My mil (recently passed) favored my dc over her others bc they came to her 20 years later (dh was late son and we had trouble conceiving).

My sil, who is kind, is still hurt. My dh was the unwanted ds and its affected his entire life. If he was successful, he was punished bc he was better than his older brother. Thus he seems to sabotage himself sometimes.

His brother is a cf of first order. Unmarried and got EVERYTHING given to him.

Favoritism is abusive to all parties. It doesn't matter WHY, it's simply wrong.