MIL acts oddly about my younger son

[singwhenyoureswimming]

DH and I have two sons aged 8 and 5. Both nice boys and pretty normal kids.

I’m not even sure how to word this but my MIL will sometimes ask for my elder son to stay overnight for movie nights or to take him out for the day. She never asks to include younger son and if I suggest it she just seems to cloud over. When the boys were younger this was ok in the sense that my elder son was easier work at say 5 or so than my then 2 year old.

However, now my younger son notices that his nan doesn’t really want to include him. I have put a stop to her doing one on one things with elder son because I am not happy about the disparity in the way they’re treated.

Anyway, my own mum will have both boys round and look after them from time to time and they’re both close to her as am I. I have asked her if my younger son is perhaps difficult if other people’s care but she’s said he isn’t and his primary 1 reports have been glowing so I don’t think he’s a demon child.

I guess the straw that broke the camel’s back was a couple of weeks ago, quite by chance, my husband won a slap up meal through work and we asked my MiL to keep the boys for a few hours. She said she’d just keep my elder son but not younger. I refused as my younger son didn’t want to be parted from his older brother and they do enjoy each other’s company. My own mum was on holiday so the meal was cancelled. She won’t be pushed on why she treats them differently. My DH is also one of two boys and he insists that they were treated the same.

Perhaps I’m over reacting or expecting too much from MIL but, as I said, we don’t ask her for much and the occasion of the meal was perhaps the first time in over a year we’d asked her for help with childcare as she is the one asking for elder son.

"I went through this throughout my childhood. My sister was 'the good one' and I was 'the bad one'. My grandmother always said it over and over to us and to everyone else around. She never thought my Mum had an affair. She was just 'closer' to my sister (by choice). Funnily enough people thought I looked exactly like her (GM)."

Snap! Except I was the favoured one.

To the OP, it's damaging for both children (I still have massive issues with guilt about how my sister was treated). Your MIL needs challenging on this, and maybe low or no contact with her GC until she can behave reasonably.

My grandparents favoured my cousin. I remember one year he got this amazing birthday cake that they had made for him (it wasn’t a milestone birthday) I asked for the same coming up to my birthday and was told that the lady who made them didn’t have time to make me one so I got a plain round one (it wasn’t financial either as my gps were reasonably well off). There lots and lots of instances like that in my childhood. It used to really upset me as a child. I would keep both your sons away as much as possible unless she’s willing to have the conversation with you. Even then if she can’t agree to treat the boys equally is cut contact to family events etc.

My Grandma once stopped me playing to post a birthday card to her daughter-in-law who has the same birthday as me. As she did it she told me that she hadn’t had time to get me a card. She sent me off to the postbox which wasn’t close by. I remember this vividly including being upset. Don’t know how old I was exactly but she died when I was 5 so I was very little. Can’t say whether in your scenario the person is being actively cruel. I know now that my Grandma played these tricks on my Dad and his siblings all the time. My parents were hyper vigilant but she found a way. My Dad and his siblings barely talked in adulthood. You younger son will definitely know. How you and his brother react will depend on how it affects him.

Next time she asks for your older boy just say no, he won’t be coming again until you either start spending 1 on 1 with DS2 / have them both or tell you why.

Next time she asks for your older boy just say no, he won’t be coming again until you either start spending 1 on 1 with DS2 / have them both or tell you why.

This, now your ds is beginning to notice, the only way to ensure that he doesn't get hurt is to be really straight with her. She treats them equally or you limit contact with both.
Then try to get her to talk to you about what the issue is with ds2, if he is misbehaving/pushing her buttons you can deal with that.

Please don’t test her by saying she can only have DC1 if she has DC2. She has proved she is not beyond cruel behaviour right in front of you towards DC2. Even just by acting ‘put upon’ when he is there & delight when DC1 comes he’ll know. I’d be saying ‘look we and DC2 have noticed this so this is how it’s going to be now - you can see both children when one of us is present. Any favouritism and you won’t see either.’ If overtime you think she has had an epiphany than maybe you could change your mind but Id be reluctant. She hasn’t felt the need to explain for you. I don’t believe for a second that it is anything todo with behaviour or she’d have said and not done the whispering in corners. She just does not care that DC2 might be upset. Why would you let her look after your children?

Am I the only person who noticed that the OP said in the very first post I have put a stop to her doing one on one things with elder son? She's already done that!

I would ask her straight and then tell her she won't be seeing the boys at all until she can talk about it.

My ils favour my older child. It is obvious and ive always found it upsetting, but even more so since my youngest came along. We went on holiday all together and the ils bought all of the grandkids, including one that wasnt born yet, a teddy bear as a memento. All, except for my dd2, because she already had a teddy bear, so she got nothing.

My DH is also one of two boys and he insists that they were treated the same

I also wonder if he was the golden child and if your BIL has a different view.

DH (the scapegoat 95% of the time) what his family was like when I met him. It took me years to fully understand though. Even to him it was a bit of an eye opener when he saw them repeat the same patterns with the GC - at this point we retreated from the relationship a lot to protect their mental health (and ours).

I suspect that SIL (the golden child most of the time - to her face at least - they used to LOVE a bit of sibling triangulation before we put a stop to that too) thinks that she and her brother were treated equally as children, and as adults, too.

I would have concerns about her being alone with either of your children OP - from what you've said it sounds like a red flag of a spiteful and manipulative mind rather than finding two children too much to handle at once.

sorry missed...should read 'DH (the scapegoat 95% of the time) told me ...'

I think your mother in law sounds like a dreadful woman. I only have one grandson but if I were lucky enough to have more I would be so delighted with both. She can’t do what’s she’s doing to a child, he may not notice it yet but when he is old enough, who know what damage could be caused. I’d limit access to your sons. They don’t need that kind of negativity in their little lives. Lucky they have a lovely mum.

A PP mentioned perhaps she thinks DS2 is the result of an affair...

I thought that when I was reading your posts.

Is there anything that has happened that might make her think that way? 🤔🤔

My own mother used to favour DS1 saying she and he had a special bond as she was there when he was born. Now she favours DS2 and treats him like a baby despite him being a teenager. I tell her off but I think it’s easier when it’s your own mother

Your husband needs to deal with this right away. Not you. Him.

YANBU

I def would not let MIL take one DS and not the other EVER again. It's not like she'll even take your DS2 on his own so I agree, she has an issue.

It is her issue, not yours. Good luck!

Could be that she simply cant manage two or has bonded with older one better?

People are asking if younger ds is the result of an affair, op has said, that her younger ds looks more like his dad, than the older one. Some people like to be nasty and have a golden child.

It is a bit odd but is it an "eldest grandchild" treat thing? My mum told me her grandmother was like that, giving things to the eldest grandson and not much to her and her sister.

My MIL had a favourite, her face lit up simply when that child came in the room. Everyone knew it. When we pointed it out she was genuinely astonished. I don't think she had even admitted it to herself.
Even so, she would NEVER have excluded one of the others and did her very best to be fair to all.

I wouldn't let this bitch anywhere near either of my DC

I’m sorry but there is no way I would let her be like that with my dc. I just wouldn’t ask her to have either of them. There would be certainly no conspiracy whispers either

I would put a stop to her behaviour now. It will cause a horrible jealous rift between your sons when they get older and are more an impressionable age, trust me I have been there it's horrible to see.

Yes, and I'd like to put a word in for the non-Golden children as they progress through life.

It's absolutely SHIT for them. Soul-destroying, hurtful, self esteem-shredding. It causes misery.

My DD is 17 and she's had it all her life. Another female GC is the favourite, then her older brother, and she comes somewhere down the bottom of the pile. It was difficult to monitor this in my situation plus we had court ordered contact orders in place but if I'd seen repeated overt examples like this, I would definitely have had to say something.

Children DO notice it (if not at this age, he sure will v soon) and it's awful for them, truly awful - to feel less than.

My mother favoured my firstborn. It was pretty blatant.

Do I favour my first GC? I don't think so. I certainly try to be equal in all my dealings with them - that is not to say that some are not easier to look after than others!

But you do have to put a stop to this - it is not fair on anyone. What a total pain for you all.