MIL acts oddly about my younger son

[singwhenyoureswimming]

DH and I have two sons aged 8 and 5. Both nice boys and pretty normal kids.

I’m not even sure how to word this but my MIL will sometimes ask for my elder son to stay overnight for movie nights or to take him out for the day. She never asks to include younger son and if I suggest it she just seems to cloud over. When the boys were younger this was ok in the sense that my elder son was easier work at say 5 or so than my then 2 year old.

However, now my younger son notices that his nan doesn’t really want to include him. I have put a stop to her doing one on one things with elder son because I am not happy about the disparity in the way they’re treated.

Anyway, my own mum will have both boys round and look after them from time to time and they’re both close to her as am I. I have asked her if my younger son is perhaps difficult if other people’s care but she’s said he isn’t and his primary 1 reports have been glowing so I don’t think he’s a demon child.

I guess the straw that broke the camel’s back was a couple of weeks ago, quite by chance, my husband won a slap up meal through work and we asked my MiL to keep the boys for a few hours. She said she’d just keep my elder son but not younger. I refused as my younger son didn’t want to be parted from his older brother and they do enjoy each other’s company. My own mum was on holiday so the meal was cancelled. She won’t be pushed on why she treats them differently. My DH is also one of two boys and he insists that they were treated the same.

Perhaps I’m over reacting or expecting too much from MIL but, as I said, we don’t ask her for much and the occasion of the meal was perhaps the first time in over a year we’d asked her for help with childcare as she is the one asking for elder son.

[grinningcheshirecat]

Sometimes you have to stop trying to be nice and bloody explode to her that you will not accept the favouritism and are thinking of not letting her see either child.

[HoppityFrog3]

I would have gone nuclear on the woman by now. How DARE she treat the younger boy like this?

I have also known it happen in families too. Quite common.

I also don't buy the ludicrous suggestion that the MIL thinks DC2 is the product of an affair as one person suggested, (and then a bunch of posters bandwagon-jumped and said they think the same.)

I can only surmise that they are speaking from personal experience, as they seem so keen to throw this in as a viable reason!

OP, you need to get the bull by the horns and tackle this head on. This woman cannot keep treating your DC2 like this.

[Triglesoffy]

Don’t berate the OP for leaving it so long - she will have hoped a) she’s imagining it b) it will stop. Challenging your MIL is a big deal. Anyway, the problem is out in the open, so let’s support the OP, heh?

[NCforthis2019]

Make sure it’s stopped now. My in-laws fo this with all the girls in the family - they like little girls as they were onig able to conceive boys - I have a son, he gets ignored, at Christmas my daughter gets 10 presents, him 1. I’ve said no more contact until they are treated the same, now seen them in over a year now......

[YippeeKayakOtherBuckets]

My mum does this a bit with her grandchildren. There are clear favourites and scapegoats but not to this degree, and to be fair to her she does her best to try and keep it fair (she currently spends a day a week with DD who was previously in DS1’s shadow as far as mum was concerned).

With her it’s just down to personality and she was the same with us.

You need to ask her outright.

[knitandpearl]

Grasping at straws but was ds2 a result of ivf or any medical intervention? was anything going on with mil when you announced your second pregnancy our when he was born?

[Angelicinnocent]

I think it's quite common for GPs to have favourites but it shouldn't be noticeable by the children.

I can tell you who the favourites are with each of the GPs in our families but the DC never really worked it out until mid teens. No resentment when they did work it out either because GPs had been careful to treat them the same.

[NWQM]

Knowing why wouldn’t make a jot of difference to me.

[stanski]

That's not acceptable and I agree with previous posters, you should call her out on it. Especially if the boys are close this will affect them (younger one especially!) and divides the family. It is wrong on so many levels

[KurriKurri]

I'd aks her straight out - and if she tries to clam up, I'd say is it for one of these reasons 9give the reasons people have suggested - DS2 reminds her of someone, she doens't think he is your DH's child, he's said something to offend her whatever stuff you can think of that might be making her act so weirdly)
And then say unless she can treat the boys equally then she can't have either to stay/take out. It isn't fair and it is very damaging for both of them (my MIL greatly favoured my DS - and it made him very anxious that his sister was being treated unfairly - so it affects both children).
What is she like about birthdays, Christmas, pocket money etc - does she treat them the same or is little one left out here too ?

[Chamomileteaplease]

If your husband isn't getting anywhere could you ask him if it is ok if you try?

It's a simple question really

And if she "clouds over", keep asking.
If she shuts down, keep asking.
If she goes quiet, keep asking.

Get an answer out of her one way or another. I disagree with a PP, don't offer suggestions for her feelings, stay silent and wait for her words. Make sure you are away from the children and have a bit of time. Feel the power of MN behind you .

What is she like the rest of the time? Because this behaviour suggests she is very weird and very cruel .

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I wouldn’t bother asking her. What ever she says will be a lie and you will never know the truth.
Just nc with dc again. I think all trust has gone and I wouldn’t be certain that even if she did look after the younger one there wouldn’t be some malice or spite going on during his visit.

[Raspberry10]

My MIL was like this with one of SIL’s boys. The younger one could do no wrong, older one she would have nothing to do with him. He’s a lovely boy and I could never figure it out. Years later as she slipped into the blunt honesty phase of dementia, she told me she didn’t like him because he ‘looks exactly like his father’!!! I had no idea she hated BIL, and had been taking it out in the poor kid all that time. Could it be something that stupid?

[MRex]

I think you should ask her.

[YouBumder]

I wouldn’t bother asking her. What ever she says will be a lie and you will never know the truth.
Just nc with dc again. I think all trust has gone and I wouldn’t be certain that even if she did look after the younger one there wouldn’t be some malice or spite going on during his visit.

This. I wouldn’t ask her because ultimately the answer will make no difference anyway. I’d just tell her that due to the cruel and unfair way she treats DS2 she won’t be allowed contact with either of them going forward as you can’t and won’t have them being treated unfairly.

What an awful woman. I also suspect if you ask your BIL about his experiences growing up you might get a different answer to that which your DH has given you.

[SlangBack]

She’ll whisper conspiratorially to DS1 about treats and movie nights and it drives me crackers

Does she do this to torment the younger one, is she hoping DC1 will tell DC2 that he isn't welcome?

That is seriously fucked up.

[Confusedbeetle]

Weirdly there is often a very special place in the heart for the first grandchild. My mother had it but not to this extent. I mentioned it in front of my first two gc ( accidentally) AND GD 2 piped up and is there a special place for me, sweet child. The more grandchildren you get the easier it is and the older ones start to grow more independant

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Of course it should be brought up. MIL can’t carry on being allowed to behave like this. It should have been addressed years ago.

Either she admits why she hasn’t accepted the younger child and makes changes in her behaviour or she is doesn’t see either of them.

[Skisunsnow]

If it was me, I'd simply tell her that if she can't treat them fairly, then she can't have your older DS for treats etc as it's making younger DS feel upset and left out.

[omalleyalleycat]

Definitely have it out with her and stop contact with DS1 until she admits her behaviour?
We have a golden child grandchild in our family who can do no wrong but the other 2 are broadly treated the same so we put it down to first grandchild syndrome - it was 7 years before another came along and GC1 therefore has built a much closer relationship x

[Cherim90]

You're doing the right thing it's not fair to include one and exclude the other. All grandchildren should be treated fairly. Although saying thing my own mum won't have my child and my nephew at the same time, even tho she is only in her 40s and had 6 children in total so she should have expected so many grandkids 😂 have any of you asked her directly why?

[JayneyMc4]

I have been through this with my own mother; my sister and I were treated like this, when I started my own family I saw her doing it with my first 2 girls, the whispering, criticising me to eldest girl. Eventually things came to a head and as a result I cut off all contact, it's been 14 years now and the girls are adults and they support me and say how they remember her saying awful things some which I never knew of. It's incredibly damaging behaviour by your Mil, if your DH actually thinks I'm sure he will realise his mother is manipulating.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Very nasty and spiteful, it sounds as though she dislikes ds2. Good on you for putting a stop to this though. She won't b seeing both of them then!

[greendale17]

*I wouldn’t bother asking her. What ever she says will be a lie and you will never know the truth. Just nc with dc again. I think all trust has gone and I wouldn’t be certain that even if she did look after the younger one there wouldn’t be some malice or spite going on during his visit.**

^This

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

I doubt the OP will go NC with her, she’s put up with this for 5 years already.