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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL acts oddly about my younger son

226 replies

singwhenyoureswimming · 28/02/2019 23:21

DH and I have two sons aged 8 and 5. Both nice boys and pretty normal kids.

I’m not even sure how to word this but my MIL will sometimes ask for my elder son to stay overnight for movie nights or to take him out for the day. She never asks to include younger son and if I suggest it she just seems to cloud over. When the boys were younger this was ok in the sense that my elder son was easier work at say 5 or so than my then 2 year old.

However, now my younger son notices that his nan doesn’t really want to include him. I have put a stop to her doing one on one things with elder son because I am not happy about the disparity in the way they’re treated.

Anyway, my own mum will have both boys round and look after them from time to time and they’re both close to her as am I. I have asked her if my younger son is perhaps difficult if other people’s care but she’s said he isn’t and his primary 1 reports have been glowing so I don’t think he’s a demon child.

I guess the straw that broke the camel’s back was a couple of weeks ago, quite by chance, my husband won a slap up meal through work and we asked my MiL to keep the boys for a few hours. She said she’d just keep my elder son but not younger. I refused as my younger son didn’t want to be parted from his older brother and they do enjoy each other’s company. My own mum was on holiday so the meal was cancelled. She won’t be pushed on why she treats them differently. My DH is also one of two boys and he insists that they were treated the same.

Perhaps I’m over reacting or expecting too much from MIL but, as I said, we don’t ask her for much and the occasion of the meal was perhaps the first time in over a year we’d asked her for help with childcare as she is the one asking for elder son.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 28/02/2019 23:48

Does she maybe think that DS2 isn't her son's child? It seems really odd behaviour, and I think I would be cutting down on contact for all of you.

BartonHollow · 28/02/2019 23:50

I think she needs to be asked directly to her face by you both

Why don't you like DS2

You keep repeating the direct question until she gives a direct answer

The direct answer will likely be batshit or a bombshell...

(If DS2 looks very much like DH does he also look like DHs father.... who perhaps isn't who DH thinks he is)

And you also make it plain that she will no longer ever be allowed to have DS1 alone unless she bucks her ideas up to DS2 because her behaviour is peculiar and creates doubt around trust

TitsAndTomatoes · 28/02/2019 23:52

Oh my god. Ive cracked it.
I bet she thinks your younger DS is the result of an affair....
Shes fucking bonkers. You need to just ask her straight up.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 28/02/2019 23:53

The first thing that came to mind reading this is that for some reason she doesn't think DS2 is biologically her grandson. She sounds a horrible and spiteful person.

BeverlyHillsCop · 28/02/2019 23:55

How awful and horrid for your younger child.
I would confront her and say unless she is prepared to explain she can’t see either of them.

BartonHollow · 28/02/2019 23:55

Or as I said that her grandson looks too much like her sons actual biological father

PinaColada1 · 28/02/2019 23:56

I have this with DPs family, except one child is related to them and the other is the step grandchild child. I still think it’s very bad for the siblings to be singled out. Their step grandson has been in their lives for longer than their grandson, and my family come as a unit. I now limit their time with the DC they favour, and try to minimize the present buying etc only for him in front of his brother.

kbPOW · 28/02/2019 23:58

I would be just as concerned about her relationship with DS1 as DS2 and I would see less of her with no one-on-one and no more conspiratorial whispering. It's really odd that even if she has such different feelings towards your two boys, she makes zero effort to hide it at all.

StoppinBy · 01/03/2019 00:02

To me it sounds like she may suspect that DS2 is not her son's biological child and is the result of an affair, I can't see any other reason for it.

I agree with PP, it's time to stop pulling punches and ask her directly and to her face what her problem is with DS2, please make sure the children are not around when you do this.

If it doesn't stop I think you need to minimise visits with her for the sake of both your children, she is not only hurting your younger child but putting your eldest in the position where he is responsible for either taking her side or his brothers side and that is not fair.

Jizzonmyface · 01/03/2019 00:05

oh she sounds delightful Hmm I'd ask outright what her problem is and not drop it. I'd reduce contact till I had answers too.

ohfourfoxache · 01/03/2019 00:11

Don’t underestimate how much damage this could potentially do Ds1 - being the favourite can really screw you up

DishingOutDone · 01/03/2019 00:13

The boys are 5 and 8 and you and your DH have allowed this to go on long enough. First off she now has limited contact and even then it must be with both boys with you or your DH present. If she can explain herself yeah that's helpful, but not essential as basically all you need is for it to STOP.

What a cow Sad

janetforpresident · 01/03/2019 00:14

Your second boy reminds her of someone. Either someone she tragically lost, someone she hated or (bartons suggestion) your DHs biological dad.

Either that or she suspects he is not her son's as others say but you say there is a strong resemblance.

Nothingunpleasant · 01/03/2019 00:17

The only time I have heard of this was when the MIL suspected the second child was not her son’s.

sleepylittlebunnies · 01/03/2019 00:17

Wow that is awful behaviour and there can’t be any reason for it. Even if she suspects DS2 isn’t her son’s, who treats a child like that and so blatantly too. She sounds a bit obsessed with DS1 and not bonded at all with DS2 but how will she bond if she doesn’t spend time with him?

Tbh I would have to cut contact completely as it’s so potentydamaging to all the relationships involved. DS1 may be favoured but he will also suffer, it will be awful for him once he realises his brother is being treated like that.

You say DH tells you that he and his brother were treated equally. Have you asked his brother? I suspect you may get a different answer,

Nat6999 · 01/03/2019 00:22

It sounds like she is trying to create a division in your family, cutting you & your younger son out. I would try & put as much distance between her & your family before she gets her wishes.

AngelaHodgeson · 01/03/2019 00:23

You say DH tells you that he and his brother were treated equally. Have you asked his brother? I suspect you may get a different answer,

I agree with this. The golden child doesn't always see the disparity.

RandomMess · 01/03/2019 00:25

I agree your DH was the favourite and doesn't see the disparity between him and his DB, only other thought is that MIL was completely against you having a 2nd child.

Either way she is unkind and bonkers.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/03/2019 00:27

I'd stop contact with both of them, especially if she's 'whispering about treats etc' to DS1. This is massively cruel to both boys.

I'm with Barton. Is it at all possible that your DH is the result of an affair and that your DS2 looks like his bio father so she sees it as a reminder that she cheated?

Another thought is how is her relationship with her own husband or her own father and does DS2 look like either of them?

The only thing that makes sense is that DS2 looks like someone she either doesn't like or who brings back a bad memory. Could his name have a bad connotation for her?

Graphista · 01/03/2019 00:48

"The oldest child is the Golden child." Not always, I'm the eldest Defo not GC with my mum.

Is your dh the golden child op? Because if so he may not be aware of such a dynamic with his brother.

Not AT ALL suggesting it's the case or even possible but could SHE be thinking ds2 isn't your dh's for any even totally stupid reason? Is there any possibility that dh isn't her husband's and ds2's likeness to him is actually likeness to his bio father?

I'd corner her so it was just her and I and ask her outright. This current situation cannot go on.

If she'd said to dh she doesn't believe ds2 is his would he have told you?

Iflyaway · 01/03/2019 00:58

Until she tells you and stops treating them differently she can't have DS1. It is already upsetting your youngest, and he may start to resent his brother. Their relationship together is more important to preserve than a grandparent relationship.

I agree.

Your DS's wellbeing do not trump her wishes.

Iflyaway · 01/03/2019 01:00

Sorry!

Your DS's wellbeing come first!

AWishForWingsThatWork · 01/03/2019 01:02

You need to put a stop to this immediately. This behaviour and disparity in treatment may well cause relationship problems between the two boys. And it's grossly unfair and disgusting behaviour.

You and DH need to make it clear to her that she won't be spending time with any of you if her clear favouritism of your older son doesn't stop immediately. And you want an explanation for why she's behaved like this. She started having your oldest son on his own when he was quite young ... but she won't have your youngest? ONly your oldest? Not on your watch.

Your DH HAS to stop up for his children here. Not child. Children. Because her behaviour is toxic.

Rubadublin · 01/03/2019 01:04

You’ve got to ask her directly

SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2019 01:05

Another one who thinks she thinks DS2 is someone else's.

Honestly you need to ask her straight. When the kids are elsewhere.