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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL acts oddly about my younger son

226 replies

singwhenyoureswimming · 28/02/2019 23:21

DH and I have two sons aged 8 and 5. Both nice boys and pretty normal kids.

I’m not even sure how to word this but my MIL will sometimes ask for my elder son to stay overnight for movie nights or to take him out for the day. She never asks to include younger son and if I suggest it she just seems to cloud over. When the boys were younger this was ok in the sense that my elder son was easier work at say 5 or so than my then 2 year old.

However, now my younger son notices that his nan doesn’t really want to include him. I have put a stop to her doing one on one things with elder son because I am not happy about the disparity in the way they’re treated.

Anyway, my own mum will have both boys round and look after them from time to time and they’re both close to her as am I. I have asked her if my younger son is perhaps difficult if other people’s care but she’s said he isn’t and his primary 1 reports have been glowing so I don’t think he’s a demon child.

I guess the straw that broke the camel’s back was a couple of weeks ago, quite by chance, my husband won a slap up meal through work and we asked my MiL to keep the boys for a few hours. She said she’d just keep my elder son but not younger. I refused as my younger son didn’t want to be parted from his older brother and they do enjoy each other’s company. My own mum was on holiday so the meal was cancelled. She won’t be pushed on why she treats them differently. My DH is also one of two boys and he insists that they were treated the same.

Perhaps I’m over reacting or expecting too much from MIL but, as I said, we don’t ask her for much and the occasion of the meal was perhaps the first time in over a year we’d asked her for help with childcare as she is the one asking for elder son.

OP posts:
MsSquiz · 01/03/2019 07:29

If I was in your position I would:

Sit her down with DH and ask why she refuses to look after DS2. Has he done something while with her? Does she find 2 too much?

I would stop her from looking after DS1. Find a decent babysitter who will look after both boys so the job doesn't just fall to your DM.
When she asks why she can no longer have DS1, explain it's not fair on the boys and leave it at that.

Crockof · 01/03/2019 07:30

Not read replies but my gran was like this. No reason she didn't like my sibling, just I was PFB and she never bothered getting to know them.

SheDancesOnTheSand · 01/03/2019 07:31

Does your MIL have any grandkids from her other son? Is she the same with them?

I think I would have to force the issue and not back down without a real answer.

Good luck OP.

Pk37 · 01/03/2019 07:31

You need to just point blank ask her . You’ve had so many opportunities by the sounds of it so it makes no sense to me why you don’t just get to the bottom of it once and for all rather than pussy footing around . It’s not normal and it’s not fair on ds2 .
If she takes offence and won’t tell you then I wouldn’t be letting her see either of the kids.

Tinkobell · 01/03/2019 07:40

Meh. Unless DC2 had done a steaming great turd in the middle of the lounge rug (and presumably MIL would have told you about that) then I can't see why on earth she'd shun him. You've just got to ask her and don't allow her to be evasive over it....make it clear that grandkids are a package she can't cherry pick her favourites.

DonutCone · 01/03/2019 07:42

I would ask BIL. I bet your DH was the Golden Child so didn't even notice how his brother wasn't treated the same.

kbPOW · 01/03/2019 07:42

I think it's usually learned behaviour. So if there's a history of scapegoating/golden child in previous generations, it just gets replayed in the next generation. This is often why the person is unembarrassed because they think their toxic behaviour is completely 'normal'.

Willowsauntie · 01/03/2019 07:46

It sounds like DS1 is being groomed. How is he when he comes home from hers?

SalliSunbeem · 01/03/2019 07:46

Idk but it's not uncommon. The oldest child is the Golden child.

All my grandkids are loved equally, so this statement is so wrong.

Fullofregrets33 · 01/03/2019 07:49

This is strange. I was going to say that perhaps she can't cope with two, especially if she only had one child herself, but she didn't, she had 2 children so should be experienced in what it entails.

My mum did this at the beginning when I had my second child. She had no experience of looking after more than one and adored my first born as he was the first grandchild. I made it clear that just having one was of no help to me and detrimental to their relationship with the grandkids and it stopped. She will now have them both for very short periods.

I would put a stop to this right now. They are giving your eldest preferential treatment and it's not right

lunar1 · 01/03/2019 07:51

With your husband id have one more go at talking to her about this. If it doesn't come to anything id be stopping all unsupervised time with your children.

Winterfellismyhome · 01/03/2019 07:56

Did she perhaps want ds2 to be a girl? And now cant get over it? Weird behaviour and so unfair on your boys

XXcstatic · 01/03/2019 07:57

This is horrid behaviour and you're quite right to put a stop to it. Maybe she can't help having a favourite, but she should sure as hell hide the fact.

As she had 2 boys herself, maybe ask her how she would have felt if her own MIL had done the same to them?

earlyrisingcat · 01/03/2019 07:58

Sadly this doesn't seem to be a rare occurrence and it's horrible. I have seen it in families including my own. My uncle - blood auntie's husband - was vile to my cousin's younger boy. (Only year and a half between him and his older brother.) He was not only rude to him, but actually nasty. He would eff and blind at him and tell him he was thick and stupid and all sorts.

Got to the point where he was so nasty to the younger boy, that when they were 8 and 9, my cousin and her husband stopped her dad from seeing them. As I said, I have heard of this kind of thing before, and it's almost always a boy who is favoured. Eg, if it's 2 boys it will often be the older one, but if it's a boy and a girl, the boy will still be favoured, even if he is younger one of the two.

All I can suggest is really going to town on her and telling her you're pissed off, about it and she doesn't get to see your sons again, until her behaviour towards your younger son improves. Be prepared for a rift though, some MILs don't like to be challenged, (and your husband must be the one to challenge her.)

My cousin's dad BTW did let the rift continue as he reckoned he had done nothing wrong, and he didn't see them for 6 months. Then he came to visit one day with football match tickets for him and both lads. It all improved after that. No-one ever knew why he treated the younger lad like he did, but after that football match, he treated them the same. He died when they were 12 and 13.

CoraPirbright · 01/03/2019 08:06

My dm is a bit like this although not as bad - although given the chance I think she would be but I stamp on anything like that hard. I dont buy the rather dramatic suggestions of affairs resulting in illegitimate children in either generation. From what I can see, my dm just totally fell in love with DC1 and just didn’t want to know when DC2 arrived. Really weird when you think that she herself suffered terribly from this exact situation with her own deeply unpleasant mother, treatment that has echoed down the generations and still causes the most terrible trouble even today.

Mabumssare · 01/03/2019 08:11

I would not be happy about this and I think you are doing the right thing stopping the solo visits for DS1

On the who the look like thing I would say my DS1 is a good mix of DH and I, DS2 is the spitting image of DH and DS3 is a mix but looks more like me.

MIL will go on about how DS1 is just a clone of DH and just looks so like him as a child and will dismiss any idea of it when I say DS2 is his double. She treats them all pretty much the same in ever other way and but this annoys me for some reason. We have photos of DH and DS2 where they look like the same child and she will say she can't see it or say o no that looks just like DS1.

I do wonder if people can just see different things in people (or if it's just a 1st grandchild maddness)

Lemonsquinky · 01/03/2019 08:15

It's abuse. You can't allow her to carry on treating both your dcs like this as it's damaging. Even though it doesn't look like it your older ds is being treated badly too. She's golden child and scapegoating your children. My mother did this and both my dcs are still upset about it five years later. If she can't love both she shouldn't see both.

Sewrainbow · 01/03/2019 08:16

I doubt it's anything to do with paternity, I've read enough on here over the years to know it goes on. I doubt she will be able to articulate her views even if you insist on it.

No more 121, No whispering, including ds2 in all conversation s etc or else no contact. It's a shame it has gone on this long. At 5 your ds2 needs to know that you are looking out for him in future. Otherwise his self esteem and relationship with his brother will be very damaged.

Lemonsquinky · 01/03/2019 08:17

Don't let ds2 go to her house without you. She will be able to do what she likes and it won't be good!

EssentialHummus · 01/03/2019 08:17

IMO, DH to take it up with her directly and explain that there will be no 1-1 time with DS1 as both boys are old enough to notice and be hurt/confused by the disparity in treatment, and as you're both hurt yourselves an explanation for this craziness would be much appreciated.

FrozenMargarita17 · 01/03/2019 08:26

People having favourites severely damages relationships. I was the golden child (although at the time I couldn't see it) and my sister resents me for it. We hardly speak at all now despite me trying.

When we were younger she said I was the golden child and I tried to say of course I'm not they love all of us equally! Even as a child I was attempting to make my sister feel less bad and to cover for my Nan's bad behaviour. It's not fair on either of your children to have her treat them like that.

editingfairy · 01/03/2019 08:31

She’ll whisper conspiratorially to DS1 about treats and movie nights and it drives me crackers

It would drive me mad too. She's being horribly spiteful and unfair. Doesn't really matter what her 'reasons' are; she will damage both boys if she carries on like this.

I'd not let her see ds1 alone.

wineandroses1 · 01/03/2019 08:44

I’m confused as to why you’ve left it so long to do anything about this. Your sons must be fully aware of this blatant favouritism. It’s not too late to sort this out but it needs to be sorted ASAP.

And you need to find a babysitter.

Phineyj · 01/03/2019 08:50

There are two issues. Your MIL is odd and you may or may.notnbe able to find out why. It's quite possible she doesn't know why she's doing this. But just book a babysitter for goodness' sake! You can use an agency like Sitters. Yes it costs but everything has a price and it's got to be better than paying in future therapy for everyone...!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/03/2019 09:05

I agree wineandroses1. I don’t understand why it’s been left without bringing up for so many years. Either the OP or her DH should have brought this matter to a head a long time ago. Odd that it hasn’t.

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