MIL acts oddly about my younger son

[singwhenyoureswimming]

DH and I have two sons aged 8 and 5. Both nice boys and pretty normal kids.

I’m not even sure how to word this but my MIL will sometimes ask for my elder son to stay overnight for movie nights or to take him out for the day. She never asks to include younger son and if I suggest it she just seems to cloud over. When the boys were younger this was ok in the sense that my elder son was easier work at say 5 or so than my then 2 year old.

However, now my younger son notices that his nan doesn’t really want to include him. I have put a stop to her doing one on one things with elder son because I am not happy about the disparity in the way they’re treated.

Anyway, my own mum will have both boys round and look after them from time to time and they’re both close to her as am I. I have asked her if my younger son is perhaps difficult if other people’s care but she’s said he isn’t and his primary 1 reports have been glowing so I don’t think he’s a demon child.

I guess the straw that broke the camel’s back was a couple of weeks ago, quite by chance, my husband won a slap up meal through work and we asked my MiL to keep the boys for a few hours. She said she’d just keep my elder son but not younger. I refused as my younger son didn’t want to be parted from his older brother and they do enjoy each other’s company. My own mum was on holiday so the meal was cancelled. She won’t be pushed on why she treats them differently. My DH is also one of two boys and he insists that they were treated the same.

Perhaps I’m over reacting or expecting too much from MIL but, as I said, we don’t ask her for much and the occasion of the meal was perhaps the first time in over a year we’d asked her for help with childcare as she is the one asking for elder son.

[ToftyAC]

That’s horrible and your MIL is an utter cuntybollocks. I’d def have it out with her. YADNBU

[Negcap]

Loud alarm bells ringing. I won't say why here but simply, if it was me - I wouldn't allow either to be left alone with her.

[Loreleigh]

I'd be very worried about this woman looking after the child she has pretty much ignored as something is wrong there. And if she did ever agree to have both children I would fear she would openly discriminate - e.g. giving treats to the older and not the younger, giving praise to one and being critical to the other, allowing one to stay up late watching TV and sending the other to bed early - is she barking mad enough to even punish/abuse/neglect the child she wants nothing to do with? Maybe you need to have it out with her and if she won't tell you why she acts/feels the way she does then maybe you should deny her access to both children. I hope your husband will support you here and want both of his sons treated equally.

At 5 your son is old enough to notice the different treatment and attitude of his nan. He may well be confused and have a host of 'why' type questions. He is close to his brother and surely would expect to be treated equally, by anyone that has contact with the two boys.

[whyamievenamazeddotcom]

I’d nip this in the bud immediately I’m a second child and my sibling is the favoured one by both mother and grandmother I wasn’t hard work as a child in fact the whole process of being pushed back while my sibling got the best treats days out and frankly sided with made me incredibly insecure and draw conclusions all these years later she simply didn’t and still doesn’t like me if the snide, narky and unkind comments are anything to go by - luckily I haven’t let it eat at me and have distanced self but it isn’t a nice feeling to have especially with family as you can’t really walk away completely so I’d protect your dear child as much as possible otherwise it could damage his self esteem as well as his relationship toward his sibling and I hate to say this toward you as in his 5 year old eyes you could have potentially stopped this x I so hope you get to the bottom of this for all your sakes x

[DointItForTheKids]

I think tbh I have to agree with limpbizkit - you could talk to her until the cows come home but you'll never get through. I'm afraid I think full NC wrt the children is the only thing that will protect them, both of them, from the effects of this batshit favouritism. It's SO damaging as so many PPs have said and it simply cannot be allowed to continue.

greeneyedlulu has the arrangement well set out in her first two sentences. The fact as you say the DS has noticed should be enough for the matter to be comprehensively addressed RIGHT NOW. No pussy-footing around and discussions. MIL will not be able to stop herself carrying on in the way she has been, and worse, no matter how much she might say she will, she can't do it, it's actually impossible for her. Because she's batshit.

[greeneyedlulu]

Then she would not see either of my children or me and I would send dh off by himself to family stuff and I would ensure all gifts to her were only signed from dh!!
She would not be welcome in my house either.
She is being a complete and utter bitch and the fact your youngest has noticed makes it worse! He doesn't deserve her meanness and anyone behaving like that simply doesn't deserve my time!

[limpbizkit]

Toxic influence. She's playing games. Is she bored with an unfulfilled life perhaps? Confronting her is futile. She'll deny it and you'll be the crazy one. From now on both go or none go. Don't back down. Limit contact. She'll get the picture. My mil is of a similar mind set. Favoured her other sons oldest child with a clear dislike for the younger one. Favoured her eldest son. When my two little babies came along I knew it was potentially coming (and she did try it) from day 1 they came as a package. Both or none. I've stuck to it. We get on superficially and she is good with the kids but I don't heavily rely on her as I know from past experience that's when the games and wind ups start. Healthy limiting of contact I'd advise. Let her be part of your lives but on your terms. Sounds harsh but she should learn to behave like a decent human being. Poor ds2.

[BertrandRussell]

My mother already had 5 grandchildren by the time my dd came along. She was completely unprepared for how she felt about her daughter’s daughter- she said it was a completely different feeling to the one she had about her son’s sons and daughters. She described it as a “primitive” feeling she could do nothing about. However she worked really hard about not showing it and was scrupulously fair with them all.

[greenlynx]

I think that the special attitude towards first born grandchild do exist in many families, especially if it’s a boy, sort of an heir attitude. Your MIL might ( just might) behave differently to your second child if it’s a girl. But it’s just another boy (for her) the novelty is off and she’s got a bond with DS1 already. So basically she’s got herself little boy why make an effort for another one?
It also could be that she saw you as inexperienced parents with the first child and was helping you more whereas with the second one you became more confident and she was less involved ( or differently involved) and as a result she sees him more as “your child”.
It could run in their family, as other PPs said you need to ask your BIL as well. Although sometimes the outsider ( you) can see things differently as family members are used to have relationships in certain way.

[Playmytune]

It’s horrible, but not uncommon, that this happens.
When my dd1 was born (their first dgc) by caesarean, ils turned up at hospital ASAP, despite being asked to leave it a day as I wasn’t well and dd was in scbu. However when dd2 arrived 19 months later they couldn’t be bothered to visit in hospital at all. Later found out that fil had said to friend how disappointed they were that it was another girl, though it was pretty obvious how they felt by the way they treated her.
When ds1 arrived, they were at hospital as soon as they heard. I will never forget how disgusted I was when mil came into room, waving her arms about and saying “we’ve done it, we’ve got our boy.” Still don't know what they think they had done!
The favouritism continued and dh wouldn’t say anything to them, and wouldn’t back me if I did! Nearly split up over it. However when sil had her first child they stopped being interested in any of ours at all!
Unfortunately I am now seeing this with dd2, her mil was all over her dgs1 like a rash but when dgs2 arrived, she wasn’t interested. When dd said that she wouldn’t be having anymore as 2 were enough, mil said 1 was enough!
Hate these“batshit” people who think they can cause so much misery and disappointment in you children’s lives.
Put your foot down op and don’t let her get away with it!

[Charom]

Don’t leave your DS2 with your MIL. My maternal GM didn’t like me and was awful to me when my DPs weren’t around. My DPs knew but wouldn’t have seen my GM at her worst . One time when I was nearly four my eight year old sister told my GM to stop being so horrible to me. This went on all my childhood.

Asking someone why they have a very obvious dislike to a child is a waste of time. DM eventually asked and was told it was because I was my DF’s favourite. That makes me laugh now, my DF always let us know one of my other sisters was his favourite. That was my GM’s excuse and my DF was not a very good parent.

I still feel sad I wasn’t liked by any of my GPS. The maternal GPS were awful, the other GPs didn’t care, they preferred our cousins.

[PregnantSea]

I think you need to directly ask her, face to face. It's the only way to get to the bottom of this.

YANBU though, her behaviour is weird.

[DistanceCall]

While I initially sympathised with the OP, she has posted just four times on this thread.

So what is the right response ratio, pray? How much should she have posted to make you happy?

[Shezow]

She’s bloody awful! Please Don’t leave them with her at all!

I don’t want to begin to imagine how she would treat the younger one behind your back if she can be this mean openly.

I can just picture her giving the older one love, attention....treats and literally ignoring your younger one, poor little boy hope it doesn’t affect him too much and he gets over it

[Sowing747]

While I initially sympathised with the OP, she has posted just four times on this thread.

I do wonder if what a number of posters are concluding is correct.

[HollySwift]

My MIL does this. Adores my eldest and ignores both my youngest two.

We ignore her now. Bitch.

[simiisme]

The more posts I read on here, the more grateful I am for the time we had with my wonderful In-Laws. They both adored both of our boys. I miss them dreadfully.

[kmorrissmith]

My in-laws favour their first grandchild. We gave them no 2 and 4. The fourth being the only grandson. They used the “we can only have the three girls” a few times so like others have said it’s ‘both or none’ even with a gender excuse. And as I’m not their daughter we don’t get much help. In fact I was only classed as part of the family having given their name an heir. Honestly. At my daughters christening they had “just the family” photos with out me. That was the breaking point for me!

I’m reading that it’s the MIL issue. She’ll have a previous hang up that she’s passing through to your no2.

Keep strong. Don’t let it spoil no1 and no2s relationship. But yeah. What a pain. Feel your situation. Ride it out and one day your kids will have to ask her why they don’t see her much and you’ll just need to make sure they have the emotional know how to deal with it. 👌🏻

[Missingstreetlife]

Don't let her whisper and promise to your eldest. Callmher out on it and explain to children why.you are the mum she doesn't decide.

[PepsiLola]

I'd just say to her next time you're there "can I have a word in the kitchen"

And tell her outright your younger child has noticed, and you are not going to allow her to see one without the other as favouritism is cruel.

[Ancailinalainn]

My DH is also one of two boys and he insists that they were treated the same.

Does your bil say the same?

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

NRTFT

I had an issue like that growing up, I was the child never included and treated differently to my siblings. Turns out my Gran thought that my Dad wasn't my father and I was someone elses child.

A DNA test sorted that out (I am my Dad's which I knew all along) and she changed however I could never fully forgive her for her behaviour towards me.

This may have been asked and answered before but is there a chance she could think the youngest isn't your husbands?

[Mmmhmmm]

Ask her directly but politely, something like "Why so cunty to your younger Grandson? 🤔"

[FairyFlake45]

You need to ask her straight out....it seems like she thinks ds2 is not her son’s child to me. She needs to explain herself.

[MumUnderTheMoon]

YANBU my grandmother favoured my younger brother and I was completely bewildered as a child by it. It was very hurtful.