MIL acts oddly about my younger son

[singwhenyoureswimming]

DH and I have two sons aged 8 and 5. Both nice boys and pretty normal kids.

I’m not even sure how to word this but my MIL will sometimes ask for my elder son to stay overnight for movie nights or to take him out for the day. She never asks to include younger son and if I suggest it she just seems to cloud over. When the boys were younger this was ok in the sense that my elder son was easier work at say 5 or so than my then 2 year old.

However, now my younger son notices that his nan doesn’t really want to include him. I have put a stop to her doing one on one things with elder son because I am not happy about the disparity in the way they’re treated.

Anyway, my own mum will have both boys round and look after them from time to time and they’re both close to her as am I. I have asked her if my younger son is perhaps difficult if other people’s care but she’s said he isn’t and his primary 1 reports have been glowing so I don’t think he’s a demon child.

I guess the straw that broke the camel’s back was a couple of weeks ago, quite by chance, my husband won a slap up meal through work and we asked my MiL to keep the boys for a few hours. She said she’d just keep my elder son but not younger. I refused as my younger son didn’t want to be parted from his older brother and they do enjoy each other’s company. My own mum was on holiday so the meal was cancelled. She won’t be pushed on why she treats them differently. My DH is also one of two boys and he insists that they were treated the same.

Perhaps I’m over reacting or expecting too much from MIL but, as I said, we don’t ask her for much and the occasion of the meal was perhaps the first time in over a year we’d asked her for help with childcare as she is the one asking for elder son.

I think @BartonHollow has it. DS2 looks like your DH’s real father. That’s why she’s so wierd and why she clams up when confronted about it.

Not only will she not have the youngest alone the way she has with his brother

She literally won't have him AT ALL whilst wanting to have the other overnight

And somehow manages to feign disbelief at the suggestion this is an enormous red flag

It all sounds so toxic. Please put a stop to it OP. It will b affecting both boys far more deeply than you realise.

I'd say Barton has it.

Do your two sons look very different?

That's so strange and hurtful. My children's great grandma favours the eldest and the youngest noticed. I started pulling her up every single time. E.g. saying out loud, "you're my favourite" I'd say, "no that's not nice". She says its because the eldest reminds her of herself! I stopped taking them on visits for a few months, because it made them uncomfortable and upset the youngest. I explained this to her. Some people are so weird aren't they?!

MIL would not be seeing either of my children, ever, because of her blatant favouritism of one child over the other. I'd be spelling it out very clearly to her as to why she was banned. She's disgusting and needs professional help if she thinks this is okay.

Is she jealous on DC1s behalf? If she was close to him before the 'new' baby arrived the feeling that DC1was somehow missing out due to an interloper could be the problem - even after all this time. She clearly didn't bond with DC2.

She might still feel that DC1 isn't getting the treatment he deserves . (I did say 'feel' and not 'think' . These things aren't always rational.)

I'd be equally concerned about DS1. Conspiratorial whispering and treats sound like grooming to me.

I would confront her directly about her directly about this. How horrible. Good for you for protecting your child.

No it does not have to be that MIL thinks the child is from an affair for Pete's sake. Some people are just like this. They decide that one child is their special little poppet, and the rest don't matter.

I went through this throughout my childhood. My sister was 'the good one' and I was 'the bad one'. My grandmother always said it over and over to us and to everyone else around. She never thought my Mum had an affair. She was just 'closer' to my sister (by choice). Funnily enough people thought I looked exactly like her (GM).

DS1 is my image but she’ll insist he’s like my husband. DS2 is far more like my husband and if you bring that up she shuts it down. I am only just thinking of these things.

There's your answer. She sees your DS1 as a mini version of your husband, and thinks your DS2 takes after you (and is thus discardable).

Awful woman. I would restrict contact with her as much as possible, for both your sons' sake.

Do not let her have DS2 at all. She's making it very clear that she dislikes him. Maybe you should go to her house alone and have it out with her.

Is it possible she thinks no. 2 isn't her grandson?

My parents did this with my 2 DNephews when they were younger. For them it was simply that my DN1 (same age gap as your two) was a “good boy” and very easy. My DN2 was, to be fair, a little terror, I still lived with them and would tell them it’s mean, but they just said DN2 was too much hard work.. consequently I grew closer to DN2 taking him out on his own etc (and got grief for not including DN1 🙄)
But after reading this thread, DN1 looks more like “our side” of the family, all fair whereas DN2 takes after his dad. Never thought of that before so maybe there is something in that. Either way I empathize completely! The favoritism never stopped and DN1 is in his 20s and lives with my parents now. DN2 also on 20s is much more independent.

DS2 is far more like my husband and if you bring that up she shuts it down

She either
Can’t see that resemblance, and if she does believe DS2 isn’t your husband’s, shuts it down because in her head he clearly can’t look like him and maybe she thinks you’re ‘protesting too much’ when you bring up the resemblance.
Or
Is upset somehow at seeing the resemblance- did she have a hard time when DH was that age and it’s bringing back memories, or as others have suggested does he remind her of DH’s bio Dad?
Or
Is just not a very nice person.

I think the third is most likely, but from knowing her from before you even had children, what do you think- does the way she is with DS2 seem out of character, or has she always been a bit difficult?

You have to press her for an answer, do not allow her to avoid giving it. This is very strange behaviour and no way in hell I would accept it. If Gran doesn't treat both DCs fairly then no Gran. I cannot imagine the damage this will do to your younger one if this continues any longer.

She’s just bonded much more with DGS1. Have a quiet chat with her and ask her to spend more time with DGS2, as he’s getting upset.

You have to stop this NOW! My mother did this with my two girls. The elder was taken on holidays, both at home and abroad and generally spoiled. She did have the younger occasionally but only on my Dad's insistence.

She finally drove a wedge between these two girls , and between me and the eldest, that has lasted into their forties. She even used to tell people that the eldest was her own daughter...

We had/have this if MIL gets the chance. First grandchild, the narrative is that Dd1 looks sooooo like MIL's iconic looking family and the DD2 like mine. This was certainly true when they were babies, but I think DD2 is more like her dad now.

MIL spent a day a week 121 time with DD1. By the time DD2 comes along, she convinced herself of the "special relationship" she had with the eldest, avoiding putting time into the second child. This is maybe because the grandmother novelty had worn off, she was more tired (unlikely), or she didn't want Dd1 to be jealous or... quite weird anyway. I've also found her quite mean to DD2 in comparison. Sometimes I think MIL's obsession with DD1 has affected my relationship with my daughter, always whispering her mad chat and asking her if I've been bad to her in a jokey way .

So I reduced contact under those terms. I got DH on board (bit useless at challenging his mum) and was very strident about it for a few years. It's better now. The kids recognise gran has strange ways but to be fair, she isn't as bad as she was. Also DD2 is a teenager now and therefore is giving everyone it stink style. The relationships are evening out to a more manageable level. I'm still vigilant though. Ffs, I'm angry again remembering all that shit.

Just ask her.

Regardless of your MIL's 'reasons'*, her favouritism is completely unacceptable.

Favouritism is toxic - it's not only deeply damaging to the both the favoured and unfavoured child, it damages the sibling relationship.

Your MIL has been making your younger son feel 'less-than' and your older son unjustifiably 'special', for years.

Stop giving the hag the benefit of the doubt and start protecting them.

Spoiler alert: there are no acceptable, non-toxic reasons for obvious favouring of one grandchild over another*.

My mother has done with my two children. My DD is clearly her favourite whilst my son (youngest child) is insulted each time he opens his mouth. It’s been going on for 18 months and has now reached the point where I am virtually NC with her.

My older brother was the golden child and was spoiled rotten - he is now a deeply unpleasant adult - while I was left to bring myself up. She has played us off against each other for years and divided the entire family.

Tell her she can only see her grandchildren together at your house. I agree with a PP who said that she shouldn’t have your DS2 unsupervised- you won’t know how many evil looks and barbed comments are sent his way. He’s only 5 and is very impressionable.

Your MIl has already forfeited your dinner, I’d say confront her as you don’t have much else to lose. Would your DH ever side with her against you over this?

She's showing favouritism which is either because she loves him more or because she feels unable to cope with both

I'd just ask her. Then make it clear you won't tolerate her telling endear child about secret movie nights and popcorn that he can't go to as you don't agree to split them up

the boys have to come first here.dont let her see them.its both or non at all.and if too if she is treating them differently.and if she wants to know why tell her.she doesn't ge tto treat two young boys like this and it be accepted.it will damage both of them for different reasons but still bothand too their own relatoionships together

Hi OP, my parents are like this with my DS aged 7, I mean they see him once a week but make excuses about him being hard work compared to his older brothers when they were the same age. So now I leave it to him to decide if he wants to see them, because he is fully aware they can't be bothered, and now neither is he.