MIL acts oddly about my younger son

[singwhenyoureswimming]

DH and I have two sons aged 8 and 5. Both nice boys and pretty normal kids.

I’m not even sure how to word this but my MIL will sometimes ask for my elder son to stay overnight for movie nights or to take him out for the day. She never asks to include younger son and if I suggest it she just seems to cloud over. When the boys were younger this was ok in the sense that my elder son was easier work at say 5 or so than my then 2 year old.

However, now my younger son notices that his nan doesn’t really want to include him. I have put a stop to her doing one on one things with elder son because I am not happy about the disparity in the way they’re treated.

Anyway, my own mum will have both boys round and look after them from time to time and they’re both close to her as am I. I have asked her if my younger son is perhaps difficult if other people’s care but she’s said he isn’t and his primary 1 reports have been glowing so I don’t think he’s a demon child.

I guess the straw that broke the camel’s back was a couple of weeks ago, quite by chance, my husband won a slap up meal through work and we asked my MiL to keep the boys for a few hours. She said she’d just keep my elder son but not younger. I refused as my younger son didn’t want to be parted from his older brother and they do enjoy each other’s company. My own mum was on holiday so the meal was cancelled. She won’t be pushed on why she treats them differently. My DH is also one of two boys and he insists that they were treated the same.

Perhaps I’m over reacting or expecting too much from MIL but, as I said, we don’t ask her for much and the occasion of the meal was perhaps the first time in over a year we’d asked her for help with childcare as she is the one asking for elder son.

[Rhubarbisevil]

The secret movie nights would be a red flag, Tell her that you don’t have secrets in your family. You don’t want your children growing up and becoming secretive, especially when they are teenagers.

[Gina2012]

She doesn't like DS2

You need to be careful here because if you insist she has both or none, and she agrees , she might 'take it out' on DS2

[Gina2012]

Also as DH isn't handling it well - I'd get involved if I were you

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I agree with asking your bil about how he felt in the household. My brother was the golden child coupled with my father living vicariously through my brother buying him all manner of fab stuff he would have wanted as a kid whilst giving me nothing, me being a girl and not considered. I had to beg my violent, abusive brother to share. I may as well have been living in a different house. He has very different memories of childhood but cannot or chooses not to see the disparity.

My mother was youngest in her family. Some of her siblings died, which scarred her a lot growing up even though she didn’t really know them. My grandmother wasn’t a particularly nice person. Idk if the tragedies changed her. She definitely favoured my elder cousin and didn’t have time for any of the subsequent grandchildren.... I pieced this together in adulthood. I do remember not understanding why my cousin thought she was wonderful and obviously that bred jealousy.

Definitely take a stand against her. You have the option to leave the kids with your mother and both go and talk to her, this is a big luxury so I would take it. I would suggest a period of not seeing your kids, perhaps for a couple of months. I had to do this with my own mother when she practically accused my dd, then 7 of abusing her adult son (golden child brother). Interestingly nephew is equally silly now he’s reached that age - dds behaviour was normal. Just over excited - what was fine for his ds to do wasn’t ok for my dd apparently . When your mil starts to whisper, very loudly call her out and remove your children / ask her to leave.

[nanny3]

could she think the younger one is not your husbands?

[Sophisticatedsarcasm]

It seems weird that she won’t give an explanation either.... 🤔

[peppersprayfirstapologiselater]

What was she like when you told her you were pregnant/had DS2? What about when he was a baby?

[BertrandRussell]

Sit down with her and ask. Use concrete examples- the going our to dinner babysitting one is good. Don’t mention the conspiratorial whispering because she can flat out deny that and deflect.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

What’s she lane with the younger boy? Does she cuddle him and make a fuss? Have his photo up in her house? Buy him clothes, toys like she will his brother?

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Lane = like

[DustOffYourHighestHopes]

We were v severe with a grandparent who quite obviously favoured one child. As soon as it started, the closest parent expressly and sternly told her what we thought and that it was unacceptable. If she hadn’t tried to change, we would have had to reduce contact to protect both children.

[AuntieCJ]

This seems so strange. I can understand only wanting one child at a time but not the same one all the time.

[Rockmysocks]

Cruel cow. Don't know if I'd trust her to have them together now. Not saying she'd physically hurt younger son but if she wants to favour or exclude she could still do so and it would be so magnified in a close setting.

[hardyloveit]

I'd ask her out straight! If she won't give you an answer then I wouldn't allow her to just see the eldest! It's not fair on your younger one who will notice these things. Wtf is her problem???

[maddening]

I say sod it and just have it out with her. However I would also not let the dc with her alone for a while even if she promises to change, promises are easy to make of they are lies.

[saxatablesalt]

Have you actually asked her directly? As in, MIL, it's completely obvious you favour DS1. What is your issue with DS2 as its upsetting him and us.

[cakecakecheese]

If we're speculating about batshit 'reasons' for her weird behaviour could she resent your youngest for being a boy and not a girl?

[MsTSwift]

Also you need alternative babysitters to family missing events with kids of that age due to no childcare is life limiting. Have friends or neighbors got older sensible teens?

[MoBiroBo]

My PIL did this, and in the end we just stopped the one on one contact with them because it was affecting Ds2. He missed his brother and that was the reason we used.

I have a 3 year gap but I would never have allowed it to get to 8 and 5. I think they weren't even 5 and 2.

I have 2 sisters and one sister was favoured by my paternal Grandma, it was soul destroying as a child.

You need to stop the one on one contact now. Any whispering should be called out and stopped.

[Vulpine]

She sounds odd but couldn't you have got a babysitter

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"My DH is also one of two boys and he insists that they were treated the same".

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and such toxic crap like she is pulling here can and does go down the generations. I would think your BIL would have a very different view of his childhood. What if anything do you know about her own family background and or childhood?. That will also give clues. So no, they were not treated the same at all.

I doubt very much you will get any sort of answer, let alone a straight response, from your MIL. Batshit people will give all manner of excuses and/or rambling answers that make no sense.

She is a toxic person to be at all around and she should really see none of you as of now, let alone your eldest son to further manipulate and turn into the golden child. Your children's sibling relationship will be damaged beyond repair if you at all as their parents allow this dynamic to continue.

You have likely come from an emotionally healthy family yourself so did not recognise this favouritism for what it really is but time brings wisdom and you are seeing the results of such favouritism in your two kids now. Children need emotionally healthy role models as grandparents and his mother does not fit the bill here.

Pay for a sitter rather than at all use MIL as any form of childcare. She cannot be trusted around your children here.

[CaitlinsYellowSocks]

Bribing

[Petalflowers]

My sane head would say she feels she can’t cope with two, is used to older dc as has had more experience with him, finds that age group easier to entertain etc.

My red flag hat would question it, the secret talks of movies etc

[Iggly]

Don’t let her drop it when you ask!!

[Happyandglorious]

Although it could be to do with doubts about him being bio etc I think more likely she just feels more attached to your eldest and really wants/needs that special closeness that sometimes naturally occurs between family members.
She's not going about it in a very nice way. I don't think having a frankl talk will help bc she has form for being slightly barking from op has said.
I would limit the time she has with them and make sure they are supervised. I would also say in a loud jokey but deadly serious voice. "Whispering isnt kind bc it leaves people out"