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Original poster

To not let friend's DC use my car seat??

351 replies

bubblegumbottles · 28/02/2019 21:42

Okay, I'm half expecting to get a good old MN lashing for this but here goes.

The incident has come and gone, I'm just genuinely curious to know if I'm completely bonkers or if anyone else would have felt the same.

Recently decided to go for a day trip with a friend of mine and her 1 year old DS. She doesn't drive so I agreed to drive and we agreed that she would bring the car seat she uses in her mum's car to put in mine for the day.
When I arrived at her house, she had forgotten to pick up the car seat from her mum's. When I asked what we were going to do, she said 'oh well I just assumed DS could use yours'.

I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my first DC and so have had a new car seat that my MIL bought us in the car to practise getting it in and out etc. I was a bit put out by this suggestion as it's my first child and quite a lot of money has been spent on this car seat, I really dislike the idea of my DC not being the first to use it. Friend's DS is like any other kid and makes a mess very easily so I didn't really fancy the idea of my unborn DC's things being used and soiled before she's even had a chance to use them!

Now my friend lives right by a big Argos so I offered to nip round there and pick up (and pay for) a new car seat for about £40 so not the fanciest but will do the job and she could then keep the car seat as a spare so she doesn't have to keep swapping the car seat out of her mum's every time someone else is driving.
Friend told me this was a 'fucking ridiculous idea' and that I was 'just being precious' about my baby's things. 'She's not even born yet, she doesn't care who uses her stuff'. And then went on to say I obviously wasn't bothered about her DS's safety to put him in a cheap car seat!

AIBU to be completely shocked by this or is my friend being a CF?!

OP posts:
MonicaGellerHyphenBing · 02/03/2019 01:52

BertrandRussell is that aimed at me? Because a poster on the very first page phrased it like that as well as others. What a great contribution to the thread.

MonicaGellerHyphenBing · 02/03/2019 01:53

And some car seats are shit.

Bowing out of this thread the ignorance is astounding.

justarandomtricycle · 02/03/2019 02:24

YANBU. It's your first baby and new stuff bought specially.

I bet there isn't one person here that would assume they could use the shiny brand spanking new car seat, pram or whatever else their ftm2b friend had bought for their baby, including the ones saying it's PFB. Common sense to check at least. I mean some people are even superstitious about that stuff.

As for the complementary £40 seat not being good enough for her exacting standards, well no hard feelings she can buy one herself.

Whatever your position, whatever you think is/isn't ridiculous, you are not entitled to use someone else's car seat. If someone does have a right to use it, it isn't you. Same goes for a free car seat, wtf.

Namechangeok · 02/03/2019 03:05

@justarandomtricycle Yes exactly, finally someone who talks sense!

famousfour · 02/03/2019 06:23

A bit bonkers. I sort of u derstsnd the impulse but there is no way on earth I would have refused to let my friend put her own ‘precious’ baby in my car seat and suggested some cheapo from Asda instead just to avoid her baby in my car seat. But that is because I love my friends and their babies. I think maybe this wasn’t a very good friend of yours Hmm

Equally if I was the friend and you we’re you go being this I would probably have been a bit more understanding and I I didn’t like the cheapo car seat just said do and why and given the whole thing a miss. That said I would not have kept the seat.

Prequelle · 02/03/2019 06:26

I'm surprised at this thread to be honest. You're not unreasonable at all and she had some right cheek to assume she could use a brand new not even used product you had spent a fortune on.

ReaganSomerset · 02/03/2019 06:52

I’m sure it could be washed.

But why should it have to be? Why should playmat or carseat have to be cleaned by the person who bought it because other people assumed that they were entitled to use it? For me it's the CFery of trying to strongarm OP into letting her use the seat that galls. I have never voiced an expectation that someone else will do me a favour, much less berated them if they refused!

RainbowWaffles · 02/03/2019 07:16

To be fair the friend doesn’t come out of this unscathed either. If she genuinely forgot to get the car seat and thought at the last minute to just use yours then ok. If she deliberately couldn’t be arsed on the assumption she would just use yours, a bit cheeky. Once you refused, she should have politely declined your offer saying she felt uncomfortable with it and left it at that.

I would have been offended by your offer though. The fact that you didn’t want my child to sit in your precious car seat to the extent that you would be willing to go and purchase a new one instead would really have irritated me. If I genuinely forgot my car seat, this kind of generosity would seem patronizing to me and like I should be compelled to buy a new seat myself just because you wouldn’t let me borrow yours.

I could be friends with someone who forgot a car seat. I couldn’t be friends with someone who refused to let me borrow theirs. And I have some high maintenance friends.

ReaganSomerset · 02/03/2019 07:56

See for me, even if she genuinely forgot, I think she was being cheeky. I would have called and said I was dreadfully sorry, but I'd forgotten the car seat and so we'd have to cancel, leaving it up to OP whether to make the offer or not. At my most cheeky, I'd have given my apologies and asked if it would be possible to borrow her car seat, stressing that it would be fine if not.

RainbowWaffles · 02/03/2019 08:13

See for me, even if she genuinely forgot, I think she was being cheeky. I would have called and said I was dreadfully sorry, but I'd forgotten the car seat and so we'd have to cancel, leaving it up to OP whether to make the offer or not. At my most cheeky, I'd have given my apologies and asked if it would be possible to borrow her car seat, stressing that it would be fine if not.

That’s true. That really is what the friend should have done.

I don’t think either of you cover yourselves in glory here.

dontknowwhattodo80 · 02/03/2019 08:18

Me too @ReaganSomerset - I wish the OP would come back and give more info about what happened, is there a story behind why the car seat hadn't picked up etc, had she totally forgotten that they were going out so there was no opportunity to let the OP know before? Hmmm

I feel very sat on the fence with this one! I wouldn't have expected to borrow a brand new car seat , or been rude to the offer of buying one. However likewise I wouldn't have been rude about my friends child ..

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 02/03/2019 08:34

She's a CF and you're PFB and bonkers. Not a good mix and tbh there is a hint of resentment in your posts.

andypudding · 02/03/2019 08:37

@ReaganSomerset
Agree. I really can't imagine walking into someone else's house that is expecting their first baby, seeing all their new baby gear around and going 'oh great, I'll use it now before you do'.

Luckily I don't know anyone that entitled or lacking in awareness.

NWQM · 02/03/2019 08:51

Personally I can see completely why a non driver would forget. It’s the drivers responsibility legally to make sure all passengers were safe. The OP has phrased it that her friend said ‘I thought we could use yours’ rather than ‘can we not use the one you already have in the car’ - which as most people dont practise for weeks putting a car seat in and out before birth she may have reasonable thought was the OP being prepared - even if they had agreed she was going to get one from her mum. Saying we can’t we use that wasn’t unreasinable. I personally don’t think saying ‘why would you spend £40 when there is one there’ is unreasonable. Do slightly get why the OP might disappointed that she had this image in her head of how things are going to be but that doesn’t stop it being a bit batshit.

DappledThings · 02/03/2019 08:53

I just can't get my head round anyone ascribing sentimental value to anything as purely practical as a car seat

hardyloveit · 02/03/2019 09:01

I agree with you op!

A 1 year old wouldn't fit in a newborn car seat anyway!

The fact you offered to buy her one speaks volumes!
I'd of hated it if someone came into my house or car and said well you have it so I'm going to let my child use it before you have even had your baby!
You have prepared for your baby yet she couldn't even prepare for a car journey!
She's a CF

evaperonspoodle · 02/03/2019 09:04

Are Argos car seats unsafe then - a couple of posters have said they wouldn;t put their child in a '£40 seat from Argos' or suggested child would be unsafe in a crash in an Argos seat. Has this been shown in tests - if so why are they still bein sold ? Or is it just snobbishness that people wouldn't use a seat from a normal shop shudder Argos ?

I am well beyond the car seat stage, but all of mine got a 'shitty' one and lived to tell the tale. Has anyone got any independent, evidence based research to back up these claims? I remember seeing something years TRIGGER WARNING ago that the most common cause of death for an infant in a car accident is the neck breaking, and no design of seat could prevent that. The 'safety plus' seats are fortified and that may help in the event of the car being crushed, but the baby would likely have died of brain injuries from the impact before it was crushed anyway.

evaperonspoodle · 02/03/2019 09:10

I'm more shocked that people set up car seats/play mats weeks before a baby is born. Think of the unnecessary dust and therefore dust mites that your PFB will be breathing in.

Frazzledmum123 · 02/03/2019 09:29

Pfb yrs but there is a reason there is a name for it, it's normal. I remember with each of my 3, just before they were born I went through a really weird stage, like extreme nesting. Literally everything seemed dirty and dangerous. Completely ridiculous but i couldn't help it, even emailed the sids charity yo ask about whether I needed to wash matters protectors before first use Blush it went afterwards, just a hormonal thing I guess but I was the same even with my third. So I would have been exactly the same and think it was rude of your friend to make you out to be a bad person because she forgot the car seat!

UnchangedFaces321 · 02/03/2019 09:43

Not the exact same situation but I used to have a friend who asked to swap our bran new, unused pram (baby wasn't born yet) for her mucky, 3 year old pram. I said no.

It is very fucking cheeky.

Waveysnail · 02/03/2019 10:00

Utterly precious. Seat was in car, of course you just use it. Stick blanket over it if that fussed.

M4J4 · 02/03/2019 10:04

I wouldn't want another child smearing snot and chocolate on my baby's brand new unused car seat.

Once baby's been born and had a chance to use it first, then fair game.

babycatcher411 · 02/03/2019 10:22

@evaperonspoodle all car seats have to meet a legal standard to be considered safe and thus sellable, however that doesn’t mean other manufacturers don’t go over and above this minimum standard.

That said a lot of extra cost of the product is to do with comfort, practicalities and looks

everydaymum · 02/03/2019 11:09

YANBU. I wouldn't have wanted another child in my DS's car seat before he'd been in it. I also wouldn't expect someone to have my DS in their car seat. DS was a major spewer and I wouldn't have risked having him do that in someone else's seat. It's your stuff so it's your call. You're doing your friend a favour by driving, the least she can do is supply what's needed for her DC.

YoungChrone · 02/03/2019 12:48

I wouldn't want another child smearing snot and chocolate on my baby's brand new unused car seat.

Why would you give a child chocolate in a car seat? Who says OPs friend would? children can be free of snot and chocolate.

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