To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

[Seline]

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

Blimey OP I think you have some issues. She wasn't at the birth she arrived to support her son because you all nearly died. And so what if she asks to hold the baby all grandparents want to hold their grandchildren and you have the baby all day. I was quite happy for someone to have a hold and give my arms a rest. I think the problem is you not her

What I’m trying to say is that there doesn’t have to be a battle of wills here. No need for power struggles.
You both may have a common goal regarding your babies ie wanting the best for them.
Any little things like she wants to hold the baby, not to win a battle but just because they’re so adorable and she wants to hold them, if it’s not appropriate at that time, then you just say.
It doesn’t have to be a battle. You can both be on the same side.

Why is she unfit and why does it have to be unsupervised? MIL and DM were active parts of DS life from the get go, I would send photographs everyday and they would visit regularly or we would go to MILs for a much needed home cooked dinner.

She didn't know about safe sleep
Bottle fed one baby wrong and made the baby gag
Swears in front of them (they're babies but I hate this.)
Thinks it's okay to call any female relative mum not just me.

Charles how can we both be on the same side?

She didn't know about safe sleep
Bottle fed one baby wrong and made the baby gag
Swears in front of them (they're babies but I hate this.)
Thinks it's okay to call any female relative mum not just me.

So you tell her. There's no need for her to have them overnight anyway so it's a non issue.
I'm unsure how she would do this?
Is this a cultural thing?

Don't know. But her nephews call her their second mum and she calls them her sons and I'll be damned if mine will.

Seline no, it happened quite suddenly and prolonged trauma even over a matter of days is exhausting for family members as much as sudden trauma. It was actually worse for them than me as when I awoke, I was very ill but not dying if that makes sense?

What common ground do you think you and your mil have?
With regards to your children and dh?
Maybe even towards you?

Yeah that makes sense they witnessed the worst bit I guess

Who’s looking after your twins and your 3 year old today? Seems odd that such a controlling narcissistic person would allow someone else to look after 3 children while they sit on the internet arguing the same point over and over again.

Charles

I assume both of us want the best for the children and for DH. We also both probably want to feel valued.

Taking the baby off you is intrusive. That isn't what you said MIL does.

Asking to hold her grandchild isn't intrusive, it's really odd that you think they are just yours and no one else should want to hold them or love them.

And you just say no, not hand over the baby and strop because you cleay aren't wanted.

It's OK to be irrational on sleep deo with two tiny babies who need lots of exta support, less so to want to punish her by playing childish games and stopping her from doing anything but hazing upon them from afar.

Not read the whole post yet. Doesn't matter if there is a backstory or what the backstory is with mil. It's a violation of your privacy and wishes when you were at your most vulnerable. I would be fuming if this happened to me.

Well they are mine. I went through the pregnancy and birth. It was agony. I don't see why I shouldn't get the reward of caring for my kids in the way I want to.

Well what her nephews call her is really nothing to do with you is it?

And what if your husband doesn't like all the things that your mum does with his children? It seems to me that he is having to accept far more from your mum than you are having to accept from his.

936 replies
Am I being unreasonable ? YES ! YES! You are !

You also have a lot of time on your hands to be replying to this thread constantly.

Stop trying to alienate your children from their grandmother

As they grow older they will want to see her and when they ask you why not will you say "oh she turned up and the hospital and wanted to hold you too much " ?

Good luck with the orderly life not wanting visitors etc. You have 3 children who will have friends coming over pretty often if you want them to have a normal life !

This all sounds like such a mess so maybe you need to break it down. I'd talk to all parties separately about what went wrong, the hospital for not following your wishes, your DH and DM for failing to advocate for you and your MIL for not respecting your boundaries.

Maybe some of these conversations will be fruitful, maybe some will be a total waste of time but at least you have tried.

Your MIL sounds pretty toxic with regards to how she treats the women in her family and I'm sure you know you can't change her so you need to get your DH on the same page about how to manage her.

Well they are mine.
For a start they are as much your husband's as yours and babies aren't possessions. They aren't owned by anyone.

*Well they are mine.
*
What happens when they are older and they just decide to pop round and see her ? You know with her being their granny ? What are you going to do then ?

The mother and the newborn baby are a unit. The baby will grow and become more independent in time but to disregard the feelings of a new mother is shameful.

I don't see why I shouldn't get the reward of caring for my kids in the way I want to because your obligation is to care for your kids in the way which is best for them, which isn't to cut out Dh's side of the family because in a moment when EVERYONE was stressed and upset, she did something you didn't like and your DH and DM didn't stop her.

And yes of course you grew and birthed them, does that mean they aren't Dh's babies? Or thst their older brother should always be indifferent to them? That your Mum and Dad should only be vaguely interested in them?

You have ultimate control. So go NC. Cut her out of your life and isolate them from all his family. Only you have a fight to love them after all.

OP in the nicest possible way, this isn't about you, its about a mother helping her son through difficult times. If you had died...

What the F? OP was the one who almost died and even THEN it's not about her???

briaroas there have been a lot more nuanced replies. Quite a lot have not said that OP was being unreasonable.

Not everyone is close to their PiL, not because they are horrible people but because they are different. Different outlooks, personalities etc.

My DMiL would often recount the time just after her first DS was born when her MiL arrived at the hospital outside of visting hours demanding loudly to see her grandson and marching past staff who were trying to block her way.

DMiL did get over the feeling of being invaded eventually (only took about 40 years )

I also just don't approve of how she is with kids in general. It's up to me to decide if I think someone is a bad influence.

Seline, I get it that you need to be in control amd do not care to let others see your vulnerability. Your boundaries were violated, and that is so uncomfortable.

I think that rather than nurse this rage against MIL though, it might be good to take this opportunity to re-think some of those boundaries, because they are going to be tested agin and again during motherhood. Also, your uptight-ness will be picked up and internalised by your children, do you want them to be as anal-retentive (your words) as you are?

It’s understandable that you were brought up to feel it is weak to show vulnerability, but the fact is we are all of the same human condition. We cry, we defecate, have sex, dribble our food, we get ill. We make mistakes, and we hurt. And we all know that. In the kindest possible way you take yourself FAR too seriously. You are not above the rest of the human race. You are allowed to be vulnerable. And there is dignity to be found in coming to accept that.