To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

[Seline]

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

,panda which one? It's not intentional I'm trying to reply to everyone because I appreciate peoples comments even those I disagree with. Some of these have made me think there are multiple ways of framing the situation which is useful

Pick your battles!

married him because I love him.

And he presumably loves his family. Honestly it makes for a much happier life if everyone makes the effort to get along.

MIL didn't do anything heinous here, something many people might have been momentarily annoyed by but to carry this level of anger for 4 months is not 'normal'. Tbh I think you're still pretty traumatised by such a traumatic birth and you're clinging onto one thing /person you can lay some blame on.

I really do think you need to make some effort to heal, I second the suggestion of getting some support with your mental health. ADHD can go hand in hand with anxiety and control issues.

You will be much happier if you let go of this anger and move on with your life.

Weetabix that's not her fault and I'm at peace with that. It's her actions that I'm angry about.

I consider that experience part of the birth

She does visit at home. I don't like it but I don't block her doing so because I know DH wouldn't want that. He doesn't mind my mum being here because she actually helps us rather than expects to be hosted. He said it took him some getting used to but he's okay with it.

This one...

However he thought I was dying and that the babies weren't going to survive. I'd only been back a few minutes before this incident.

Do you not think it was possible MIL was also was upset about these things and also wasn't thinking straight? And given it was minutes between no one knowing you were alive and you being awake in the room that she might have made a mistake and forgotten your original birth plan? You said yourself people react differently to trauma. The only way she could possibly have been 100% thinking straight with little emotion is if she had no care for you at all. Does she have no care for you at all?

I actually think it was clearly a very traumatic time for the whole family and all 3 (DH, DM and MIL) made mistakes in ensuring your original request was respected. But you are happy to excuse two family members and point the blame entirely on MIL. Maybe because you aren't as close to her but it doesn't mean it didn't impact her too and was probably worried about you, DH and the twins.

She was wrong. DH and DM were wrong. But given the circumstances I don't think anyone can be blamed more than the others.

There’s a lot of stuff about your dad there!

Is he still in your life?
I wonder if he would have expected you to feel humiliated from being seen by your mil in that situation?

So he taught me to be strong, and that vulnerability is something that people can exploit and to only show those you trust your most intimate feelings. I have a very similar personality to him

We are all products of our upbringing. Nothing wrong with being taught to be strong etc but as human beings with real emotions there will always be times in life we are vulnerable, need help etc. Being vulnerable is not the same as being weak. It can be so difficult to learn to manage the emotions of being vulnerable when you've been raised to be the "strong" one almost as if its a "failure" (its not) to need something from someone, be vulnerable etc.

I am someone who needs to be in control, that's a fair accusation. I had an elective cesarean with DC1 purely because the idea of not knowing when, how long it'd last and what would happen regarding labour was unacceptable to me. I had to have the day picked and learn everything about the procedure and also remain compus mentus, the idea of being so pain addled I would have to rely on others alone terrified me. I'm the same in most things. Everything has to be neat and organised and planned out.

Again though that's not a pathology. That's just being anal retentive which I know full well I am.

If your MIL offered to help would you let her or would you feel she was taking power and control away from you?

He said it took him some getting used to but he's okay with it

Maybe you need to try and extend the same courtesy to your husbands mum then.

My mil irritated me when I was pregnant and when ds was a newborn. I didn't let it ruin relationships as I realised it's likely quite a normal biological thing. I'm so happy I made an effort with my feelings then as she is an invaluable part of our life.

Do you not think it was possible MIL was also was upset about these things and also wasn't thinking straight? And given it was minutes between no one knowing you were alive and you being awake in the room that she might have made a mistake and forgotten your original birth plan? You said yourself people react differently to trauma. The only way she could possibly have been 100% thinking straight with little emotion is if she had no care for you at all. Does she have no care for you at all?

Possibly. I'd have more sympathy though if she hadn't done similar stuff both before and after? I don't think she doesn't care about me but she thinks that her doing this shows she cares regardless of my feelings on it.

The thing I discovered about the drifting in and out is that as I could talk others made the assumption that I could remember as well. I had two hca who had bathed me in the recovery room talk to me a few days later, I had no idea I had met them before. I had the same conversation with my dh twice in a row. His first sign I wasn't remembering stuff.
It is unfortunate that the first thing that you remember is your mil touching you but your family will have had no way of knowing this is the first thing you would remember. It is just bad luck for you.
Traumatic births are grim but there is help out there for them.

Charles yes he is. We get on very well although we used to power struggle as teens. In our own separate houses, we are good friends. We each respect we have our own domain.

Laguna I see it not as a failure to be vulnerable but as a failure to let anyone see it.

Serendipity I'm not sure. Previously I would have but unsure now.

dr some of that makes sense. I had no recollection of being spoken to about expressing but apparently I had expressed 4 syringes of milk at some point over the first day.

He said it took him some getting used to but he's okay with it.

And that's ok then is it? He wasn't ok with it but had to get used to it? But you don't have to do the same with his mum?

Weetabix that's not her fault and I'm at peace with that. It's her actions that I'm angry about.

I consider that experience part of the birth
And with respect you clearly aren't ok with it because a page or so back you said that she had ruined your birth.

Yes and that is the issue your birth sent you spiralling because you were not in control

Your MiL actions are neither here nor there,they are something you can anchor to with your anger because it’s easy. Yes she may well have overstepped your boundaries but your boundaries are very particular- she wasn’t in the birth and I am not even sure she was in the recovery room, she was on the ward. Something that for her seemed ok. In many ways it’s the people (your mum and DH) who are to blame because they are the ones that know your particular boundaries and personality

You cannot let this dictate the rest of your life

You can be okay but acknowledge that it was ruined.

Quartz while the birth being out of control did upset me that's not the issue because I fully understand the reasons for it. It had to be.

This is something that didn't have to happen.

I suppose asking her what she wanted and why might help. Bwcause I can't understand why people even visit women who've given birth because it's to me such a private and let's be honest disgusting thing that I can't fathom anyone wanting to be seen.

And you simply cannot control everyone and everything. You just can't and you need to learn how to be ok with that.

Are you going to try and control your children as they grow up? Make them bend to your will because you can't cope with that loss of control?

No. My children are individuals with their own opinions and wishes.

Laguna I see it not as a failure to be vulnerable but as a failure to let anyone see it

And that's part of the problem. You've used the word pathology a lot, as if this indicates something wrong, something illness orientated etc, but having emotions and managing them is part of being a human. I agree with you that this isn't necessarily about the actual birth but goes back further than that. It's not a failure to let others see you being vulnerable (regardless of the rights or wrong of your MILs behaviour).

I do understand your feelings but you’re directing them in the wrong place.

Some time ago, I was in multi organ failure in intensive care, sedated on a ventilator with a very slim chance of surviving. On one occasion, my family was called as I was not expected to survive as I was so unstable. On another occasion, my family were told I had X time to improve before they would consider ending the treatment. It was as serious as it can get. I’m explaining all this to give a picture so you can imagine how utterly shocked and traumatised my family were. Despite this, they would not allow extended family members to see me nor my friends. They know I am very private and anxious and would hate for anyone to see me like that. Your mum and husband should have advocated for you. The fact that you’re excusing them suggests your dislike of MIL is clouding your judgement.

What you said about power struggles is interesting. That’s exactly what’s going on here too.

The other reason I'm angry is if my babies had died which was a very real chance I would feel my only time with them was tainted by her.

But they didn’t, so it wasn’t. Stop trying to find reasons to hold on to this hatred. It’s harming you, not her.

Do you feel like she’s winning at the moment and you don’t want her to?