To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

[Seline]

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

Are you sure there isn’t a little part of you which just enjoys drama/feeling righteous and angry?

I don't usually like drama as such. However I'm aware I have a tendency for the dramatic myself and can be a bit over the top with many things. DH is easy going and usually just rolls his eyes and gets on with it and as such we work well as a couple. He's laid back but assertive, kind, well meaning and gentle whereas I'm very assertive, dramatic, particular and driven. We balance each other.

This is your issue to overcome OP and the above is your issue you need to be seem as a strong powerful adult in charge and your mum and DH are fine but no one else.

Is it really an issue to not want people to see my vulnerability?

@LunafortJest it's great that in a crisis you are calm and focused. Truly. It's an amazing skill. But not everyone reacts like you. Reacting like you do isn't the only way to love someone.
Some people fall to pieces. If you took falling to pieces is a sign you don't love someone you have a very unhealthy attitude towards love.

I feel sorry for any spouse/child you have whatever. You can pity my child all you want. There were times when the doctor was telling us stuff about DS when I crumbled. When I sat on the floor and sobbed because something g else was ducking happening to him again. There were times when I couldn't even speak to the doctors for the pain that was tearing me apart.
The fact you'd have looked across PICU at a child threaded with tubes and a Mum inconsolable and unable to talk and thought "golly, she really doesn't love him at all" reflect badly on you, not me.

OP's DH wasn't down the pub or screwing his mistress, he was sat waiting to hear how many funerals he would have to plan. So if his reaction and thought processes were a bit slow regarding his Mum, if her Mum didn't know how to tackle it without causing a scene that would be even worse for OP then fine. Only you are perfect.

Do you think she should be punished for how you feel then? Seeing as you admit there was no malice on her part.

No malice but selfishness. Which is still nasty.

Everyone deals with trauma differently. When faced with crises that I am awake for I deal with it by unconsciously boxing my emotions off and operating purely on logical and factual terms. I probably look cold to onlookers.

Is it really an issue to not want people to see my vulnerability?

No, but it becomes your issue about how to deal with it after it has happened.

@Seline how do you feel she was selfish?

I do agree with that Jassy and that unfortunately I now have to find a way to deal with this. I'm still pissed off that j have to though because I shouldn't have to

how do you feel she was selfish?

She put her desire to be at the birth above my desire for privacy. She put her desire to bring the whole gang along above my desire for no audience.

She loves being the centre.

You’re making a choice here.

You still need to get to what your real pain is. Your mil is the focus at the moment, rightly or wrongly, but she’s not what your real pain is about.

I take it back OP, I don't think this is birth trauma. But I do think there's some sort of trauma there.

*It's made me feel disgusted and repulsed, and like she has invaded my life and is now a dark cloud looming over me
By general standards, this is a huge over reaction for someone seeing you in a bed, covered, groggy yes but aware, for a few seconds before your DH came in. The fact that a few seconds 4 months ago has had such a violent reaction for you really does suggest much deeper issues.

Try the letter idea I suggested uptgread but open yourself up to writing down any thoughts thst come, any associated memories or feelings from feeling like this before or where else you've felt vulberae and exposed

I suppose I'm upset about the one thing I had control over not being put in my control? Plus I am sleep deprived. Even with help I don't sleep much. I am someone who needs sleep to function and really struggles with lack of sleep.

I'm also upset with MILs pushiness but no offer of practical help. She insists she has the right to impose on me but doesn't actually help me. That annoys me.

Pissed off at what though the horrific nature of your birth or the fact that she saw you vulnerable

A fact that she probably thought nothing off at the time because that situation would make everyone vulnerable and that’s ok we are all human

However he thought I was dying and that the babies weren't going to survive. I'd only been back a few minutes before this incident.

Do you not think it was possible MIL was also was upset about these things and also wasn't thinking straight? And given it was minutes between no one knowing you were alive and you being awake in the room that she might have made a mistake and forgotten your original birth plan? You said yourself people react differently to trauma. The only way she could possibly have been 100% thinking straight with little emotion is if she had no care for you at all. Does she have no care for you at all?

I actually think it was clearly a very traumatic time for the whole family and all 3 (DH, DM and MIL) made mistakes in ensuring your original request was respected. But you are happy to excuse two family members and point the blame entirely on MIL. Maybe because you aren't as close to her but it doesn't mean it didn't impact her too and was probably worried about you, DH and the twins.

She was wrong. DH and DM were wrong. But given the circumstances I don't think anyone can be blamed more than the others.

it really an issue to not want people to see my vulnerability?

I actually think it can be, because there is nothing "wrong" with being vulnerable in a situation like you describe, it's normal. But I can see why you have issues if you think adults don't need support.

My god, misogyny is alive and well on this thread. Absolutely shocking.

Op, I totally get it. It's obvious from your first post that mil violated your boundaries for selfish reasons.

Perhaps it is blown out of all proportion, but that tends to happen at stressful times, we've all done it.

There is certainly nothing pathological about your anger imo. I would feel the same.

Sleeping

I had a few traumatic medical procedures as a child. As a result I'm twitchy about hospitals in some respects but reassured by them in others.

I can't think of any trauma about being vulnerable apart from I was mercilessly bullied at school due to having undiagnosed ADHD. I made a promise to myself that no one would ever be allowed to treat me that way again and I would never ever show weakness to anyone.

So you would have been ok with you and your babies dying and your dh by himself? You don’t just marry a dh.. you marry into a family. You have issues with privacy, which your extended family don’t have, This will include your dh. he will of course back up your choices when he knows etc . Difference in values are not selfish... just different. Your in-laws probably think you are silly etc . Give n take and forgiveness goes a long way

But you didn’t show weakness at all, you were strong and you survived

I actually think it can be, because there is nothing "wrong" with being vulnerable in a situation like you describe, it's normal. But I can see why you have issues if you think adults don't need support.

It's partly due to upbringing. My dad is a traditional stiff upper lip old school type. He very much believes in power being important and respect being given. He wanted a son and got me instead. So he taught me to be strong, and that vulnerability is something that people can exploit and to only show those you trust your most intimate feelings. I have a very similar personality to him. We are both natural strategists. He taught me to develop a thick skin and take no nonsense from the world because you can only rely on yourself to defend you.

I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing.

You don’t just marry a dh.. you marry into a family.

I hate this. I would never choose someone based on family. It wouldn't matter to me if his family were millionaires, cokeheads, foreign warlords...I married him because I love him. You can't help who you're related to and it's not a package deal.

But you didn’t show weakness at all, you were strong and you survived

She saw me when I was white as a sheet, no makeup, greasy hair, unconscious, no glasses so couldn't even see properly, with lines in and a bag of piss attached. I was helpless and humiliated by being seen like that.

It is also worth considering that you might have been back before in the recovery room before moving into your private room but just not remember. I had whole recorded conversations that I have no memory of, the combination of drugs and stress I suspect.
It isn't about fair, life isn't fair.
What do you need to do for you to leave this in the past and move forward?
That is what you have control over.

Why are you ignoring my post OP?

It is also worth considering that you might have been back before in the recovery room before moving into your private room but just not remember.

I was awake twice in the recovery room but in a twighlight state so neither here nor there.

OP you are blaming your mil for you ruining the birth - but she didn't. She isn't responsible for you bleeding out, needing a c section at 26 weeks, your babies being in NICU. None of that is her fault.

She wasn't at the birth and she didn't bring anyone else in to see you - they waited outside.

What she did was be in your room, on the ward. Ok you didn't want that. But she didn't ruin the birth or anything else that you are saying.

You appear to have lost all perspective here. And the way that you talk is that you have to be in control of everything, all of the time.

Even if people agree that you ought to have been able to control visitors to your bedside as you were the patient I don't think anyone will agree that you now get to control everyone going forward.

Your husband has every right to see his family and to enable his family to visit his home and to see his children, surely? Can you imagine if he were to ban your mum from visiting? How does he feel about her being there all the time and staying over several nights a week? Imagine if he feels that his privacy in his home is being violated by your mum being there all the time? Have you considered how he feels about that or does he have no say because it's only what you want that matters?