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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Death announcements in the paper - who was BU?

293 replies

GraceMarks · 28/02/2019 14:58

Sorry for a slightly morbid topic, but I recently had an experience where the mother of a friend of mine died unexpectedly and she and her sisters had to suddenly sort out all the various arrangements for the funeral and notifying banks, utility providers, etc etc. It was a very stressful time with an awful lot to think about.

A couple of weeks later, I was talking to my own mum and she happened to mention that she had been "looking out for the death announcement" in the local paper, but hadn't seen one and wondered if my friend knew that this was something that people are supposed to do. I asked my mum why she actually needed to see a death announcement at all, given that she already knew that my friend's mother had died, and surely anyone who is particularly interested or who knows the person who has died would have found out through friends, family etc. She got a bit huffy then and muttered something about tradition and etiquette. She seemed to be implying that my friend had made a kind of faux-pas by not announcing her mum's death, on top of all the other things she had to sort out.

Is this really something people still do, or is my mum being hopelessly old-fashioned? Just wondering what the norm is where other people come from!

OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 28/02/2019 17:05

I would see it as the normal thing to do, while there are still plenty of people who don't rely on social media for the news.

My parents rely on newspaper obituaries to find out about deaths - I'm sure they're not the only ones.

Alsohuman · 28/02/2019 17:06

I placed one for both my parents, it was how many of their friends found out and saved me making endless phone calls. I fully anticipate that my death will also be announced in the same way.

onthenaughtystepagain · 28/02/2019 17:08

Local police advice is to not put in funeral announcments as it advertises your house as empty - and yes I do know people who have been burgled

My late MIL's home was burgled shortly after the funeral of her daughter, the thieves took the money she had in the house to pay for the funeral.

After my Mother's death, announced in the local paper, a neighbour asked why there hadn't been an Acknowledgement notice, thanking neighbours for their donations to her charity. It can get a bit silly.

floribunda18 · 28/02/2019 17:08

Lots of people live away from family. They are far more likely to read social media than a local newspaper.

I would actually phone close family before putting anything on social media though.

SabineUndine · 28/02/2019 17:10

We did one for my mum, because we wanted to make sure that anyone she knew whom we might have missed would know when the funeral was. The undertaker organised it for us. You don't have to do it though, I think these days with Facebook etc it's a bit obsolete.

crosspelican · 28/02/2019 17:12

We absolutely put one in the Irish Times & the Indo when Mum died. That's how people outside the immediate family would have found out about it. The funeral director did it. We're Irish. I didn't know that people wouldn't do it, to be honest!

It may be old fashioned, but most people dying right now are - ideally - old. So old-fashioned approaches are still highly relevant.

Xenia · 28/02/2019 17:14

Dependso n the family.We always do.
I bought a subscription to a newspaper database actually and I found some from the 1850s evevn for my ancestors which has been very interesting - the slightly better off ones did it including funeral cortget will pick up a XYZ house and service is at XYZ, burial/interment at ABC. The ones who could not read and write and worked in fields and had no money did not. I think it's a nice tradition and we still do it in this family in the national newspapers for deaths, marriages, engagements, birthds etc.

It has helped me work out which ancestor died when sometimes too.

The undertakers do sometimes organise it and my mother wanted it in the Catholic papers too. Also one local paper did quite a big obituary of my father as did some medical papers and that was partly because we submitted the details. It is entirely up to each family as to what they feel they want to do.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 28/02/2019 17:15

A close relative died recently and someone vaguely related (but not a blood relative) had put it on facebook within an hour. It caused quite a lot of distress, since obviously there hadn't been time to notify everybody. It was absolutely about attention-seeking and I doubt anyone will be telling this person family news from now on.

We don't tend to bother with death notices, although the relative had an obituary in the Scotsman and a few local papers. Had there not been, we certainly wouldn't have put a notice in. There's enough to think about after a death without that. We did personally thank the people who cared for the relative and gave a donation to the care home, but we felt that was enough.

Oakmaiden · 28/02/2019 17:20

I thought it was a way of ensuring everyone who may be a debtor/creditor or have an interest in the person's estate knew...

AllInADay · 28/02/2019 17:21

For all those that did this in the past, despite their grief, I'm grateful. It's a fantastic family and local history resource and I would not have found out what happened to quite a few of my forebears had it not been for finding it in an archived local newspaper. Also poignant. I found my great aunt's death notice for scarlet fever when she was only 11. You feel the emotion and loss even in the few restrained words. She was obviously her Dad's precious wee girl in a family of boys. My Mum was named after her.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/02/2019 17:24

After my Mother's death, announced in the local paper, a neighbour asked why there hadn't been an Acknowledgement notice, thanking neighbours for their donations to her charity. It can get a bit silly.

"Thank you all so much for your kind charity donations. These totalled an amazing £120, which will be passed on in full to the amazing Silver Birch Hospice (after we've deducted the £114.86 that this acknowledgement cost us)."

Numpty neighbour!

Juanbablo · 28/02/2019 17:25

We did when my dad died. I don't know if it's something everybody does. My grandparents seemed to think so.

mastertomsmum · 28/02/2019 17:26

So, the announcement is where details of the funeral and the donations to charities and/or if any flowers and so on. The announcement appears online as well.

I think it is still usual, I don’t think as many people read them as used to. But, sometimes, people one might have lost touch with see them. My brother died quite young so a fair few people from school only knew from press announcement and it was great to have them at the funeral

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/02/2019 17:28

A close relative died recently and someone vaguely related (but not a blood relative) had put it on facebook within an hour. It caused quite a lot of distress, since obviously there hadn't been time to notify everybody. It was absolutely about attention-seeking and I doubt anyone will be telling this person family news from now on.

This happened when a family member had a baby - it was put on FB by a cousin before the new parents had had chance to tell the baby's (non-FB-using, non-mobile-using) GPs. Vile people who steal somebody else's big significant news just to momentarily make it all about them.

LightAsTheBreeze · 28/02/2019 17:29

Oakmaiden - you are thinking of The London Gazette where you have to put a notice so that if there are any debts due, they can be pursued, mainly the DWP for overpaid benefits iirc..

The London Gazette one is very important and a notice has to go in there, the solicitor doing the probate arranged that.

SarahSissions · 28/02/2019 17:29

Surely the question on this is does anyone actually read these as a matter of course?
I don't and it would seem morbid to do so regularly to check whose popped their clogs. If you're not reading them, what's the point in including it?

Damnpeskykids · 28/02/2019 17:30

My DM was from a small town in Ireland and her explicit instructions for her funeral were no announcements, no walking behind the hearse, private burial only immediate family. She wanted it as private a service as possible & not a load of professional mourners there, though obviously it was an open mass it was strange seeing people who didn't know Mum taking our sort of order of service/booklet with photos & poems we'd picked home with them! It did make us giggle when the priest quickly rushed through telling the congregation it was only immediate family at the burial & wake, there was a few Shock faces!

clairemcnam · 28/02/2019 17:31

Older people do read obituaries in newspapers and go to funerals as a result of them. Many very elderly people stop visiting friends because they are not well enough to do so, but may manage to make the funeral. So I would not expect a notice in the paper for the death of a young person, but I would expect it for an old person.
When my grandmother died for example, the hairdresser who she had went to for years attended the funeral. She had not seen her for a year as she was no longer well enough to go to the hairdressers. And an ex neighbour who none of us knew also turned up.

clairemcnam · 28/02/2019 17:33

SarahSissions I don't either, but my elderly FIL does and regularly goes to funerals.

BarbedBloom · 28/02/2019 17:33

We did for my grandparents as they would have wanted it. A lot of their friends read about it in the paper and it did take some pressure off the family with working out who needed to be notified

cariadlet · 28/02/2019 17:35

I think your mum was quite out of order to be sniffy about it. Sometimes it's practical and appropriate; sometimes it's unnecessary. There's no right or wrong about it.

My dad died unexpectedly a couple of days ago and it hasn't even crossed our minds to put an announcement in the paper. We've told family, neighbours and a few friends, but he was a quiet man who would have hated a big funeral. If he'd lost touch with people over the years then they weren't close enough to need to be there when we say goodbye to him.

clairemcnam · 28/02/2019 17:37

Also if it is the death of a surviving parent or grandparent, the truth is you rarely know everyone who should be informed. I would know for my DP. But for my parents there may be former work colleagues or even past flames who would like to attend.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/02/2019 17:40

The London Gazette one is very important and a notice has to go in there, the solicitor doing the probate arranged that.

Is that what those ghastly Heir Hunter vampires on TV use to grab themselves a big chunk of reunite distant relatives with the money left by said unknown relative? It's distasteful in the extreme to see them raking through every little detail - not out of genuine historical/genealogical interest but purely to cash in.

At least the PPI-chasers only target still-living people in their quest to take a huge proportion of somebody else's money for very little work.

BrizzleMint · 28/02/2019 17:42

I wouldn't bother, people who I wanted to tell would get a phone call. The rest don't matter.

starfishmummy · 28/02/2019 17:45

Alsohuman I agree that it saves a lot of phone calls to and from the "less close" friends and acquaintances. We've done it bith with and without a notice (the without was in acckrdance with the deceased persons instructions) and the time with the notice was a lot less fraught.