Death announcements in the paper - who was BU?

[GraceMarks]

Sorry for a slightly morbid topic, but I recently had an experience where the mother of a friend of mine died unexpectedly and she and her sisters had to suddenly sort out all the various arrangements for the funeral and notifying banks, utility providers, etc etc. It was a very stressful time with an awful lot to think about.

A couple of weeks later, I was talking to my own mum and she happened to mention that she had been "looking out for the death announcement" in the local paper, but hadn't seen one and wondered if my friend knew that this was something that people are supposed to do. I asked my mum why she actually needed to see a death announcement at all, given that she already knew that my friend's mother had died, and surely anyone who is particularly interested or who knows the person who has died would have found out through friends, family etc. She got a bit huffy then and muttered something about tradition and etiquette. She seemed to be implying that my friend had made a kind of faux-pas by not announcing her mum's death, on top of all the other things she had to sort out.

Is this really something people still do, or is my mum being hopelessly old-fashioned? Just wondering what the norm is where other people come from!

The undertaker arranged one for us as part of my dad's funeral arrangements. I'm glad he did because several old neighbours and people from his old church came to the funeral, who wouldn't otherwise have known about it because I didn't have their phone numbers or any other contact details (he'd moved away from his home town to be closer to us but we took him home for the funeral).

My parents read it, the 'Hatched, matched and dispatched' section as my Dad called it.
When Mum died the funeral director asked if we wanted it in, Mum had specified she wanted it but not until after the funeral as she didn't want people turning up.
I had a few people moan at me about not knowing when the funeral was, but that was her wishes. She didn't want people there.

My mum died recently. She can originally from the USA and we put an obituary in her local paper there plus noticed her high school college and university alumni organisations.
We decided NOT to put anything in the local paper here as we had over 200 coming to her memorial but more we didn’t want strangers to know necessarily for house security type reasons. Mind you we were all out of it with shock and grief and so much to do perhaps we just thought we couldn’t handle yet one more thing ?

I’m glad the funeral director sorted it as it would have been something that I wouldn’t have thought of doing and then I would have felt bad if anyone had said anything afterwards about there not being a notice in the paper, DM was 82

Again, I think it very much depends on the age of the person and if there is a widely read local paper.

We put both dad's and mum's in. Dad, aged 73 ten years ago, mum aged 81 four years ago; and we put it in their parish magazine.

We were surprised at how many people heard via these media.

We also put them on FB so that our friends whose parents knew ours would get told.

I'm in Ireland and it's very common here. Last time we had a funeral the funeral directors arranged for ad in local paper (the free one that gets delivered), ad on the radio, and on website (RIP.ie).
It saves ringing around to let people know about the arrangements.

I think some people see it as a bit of a tradition rather than for a practical purpose. They like to see a record of their relative's life and death recorded permanently in black and white, and to keep a copy as part of the family archive.
What I find fascinating/puzzling is when I've bought local papers in the SW on holiday and they include details of the funeral itself with a list (sometimes quite long) of all the attendees. Though I suppose that is for record keeping purposes too.

I'm talking 20+ years ago, but we discovered that newspapers wouldn't accept a death notice directly from the family, it had to be via the funeral director. Presumably to stop malicious and false information.

We placed notices in our local paper for my parents, who were both elderly, and had lots of friends who were not on social media. Having said that, the bush telegraph is wonderfully effective in these situations!

Just reading your post averystrangeweek, we had to show the death certificate to the newspaper, before it would accept the notice.

Oh and my mum got someone to house-sit for security reasons.

If your friend didn’t need to do one, it’s no business of your mum’s whether she did it or not. Tradition and etiquette are largely a load of nonsense. Make a note it’s what your mum wants but don’t bother mithering your friends about it.

Death notices the local paper are usually arranged by the Undertaker. He would normally ask at the time of arranging the funeral. The wording is pretty standard but the relatives would be given chance to check it over before it is published.

It would be another added cost to the funeral so perhaps your friend has declined it. If cost is a factor, it is also possible that your friend has opted for a plain no frills package and things like obituary notices would not be included.

Lots of families still do this as it's a way of reaching out to past friends and family whom they may have lost contact with.

I work in a funeral directors and approx only 40% of families we deal with nowadays put an announcement in the paper. TBH, it is somewhat down to cost, over £70 for just a tiny mention It's mostly word of mouth and facebook announcements now

she happened to mention that she had been "looking out for the death announcement" in the local paper, but hadn't seen one and wondered if my friend knew that this was something that people are supposed to do

Not meaning to be rude to your DM, but she has no right whatsoever to tell bereaved people what they are 'supposed to do' in dealing with the busy aftermath of the death of a loved one.

Death notices in the paper are a 'traditional' thing and are still quite popular for people who want to put them in, but there's absolutely no shame or faux pas if you don't for any reason. As a PP said, they often cost upwards of £100 or more, at a time when all the funeral costs also have to be found, added to which people may have to take unpaid leave to deal with all the practicalities (and not to mention to grieve).

They may also wish to grieve privately (the deceased may have been a very private person too) and putting a notice in the paper might lead to receiving a lot of unwanted and intrusive calls from people you vaguely knew a long time ago passing on their condolences, wanting more information (and then possibly using it as a link to unhelpful, upsetting personal anecdotes) or, sadly, even just wanting to grief-surf and maybe make it all about themselves and THEIR perceived loss, as some people sometimes do.

There may be some people on the fringes who otherwise wouldn't know, but everybody close would already have been told or found out on the grape vine. As you say yourself, she was 'looking out for' the death notice, so she already knew about the actual death. Some people (especially older people) do like to look through the death columns to see if old friends/acquaintances have died, but they have no absolute right to demand that there be a notice for everybody who's died, just so they can look through and say "Oh, I see Lily Peters has died" to their spouse before immediately moving on to reading the next notice/page. Some almost see death-spotting as a hobby and gloss over the fact that their old acquaintance in whom they have a passing interest and whose death gives them a bit of gossip fodder is a grieving, often devastated family's beloved mum, dad, brother, sister, GP etc.

To summarise, putting a death notice in the paper is a nice thing to do IF you want to; it is nobody else's business whatsoever if you DON'T do so, for whatever reason.

When recently bereaved we chose not to have an announcement. This was due to the age and the circumstances of the person, but I would judge VERY harshly anybody who thought that we breached some sort of stupid etiquette because of that. It is extremely vulgar IMO to judge anybody's funeral arrangements. We all do our best when times are hard.

Ah WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll just said that it a much more articulate manner!

I'm talking 20+ years ago, but we discovered that newspapers wouldn't accept a death notice directly from the family, it had to be via the funeral director. Presumably to stop malicious and false information.

I'm not doubting at all that that probably happened on occasion, but how sad an individual would you have to be to spend £70-£100+ to maliciously report the death of a living person whom you presumably hate. Surely, if you hate somebody, you just step away and have nothing whatsoever to do with them?

It's very much the norm to do it in the small (ish) place I come from.

When my DF died, the funeral director arranged to put an announcement (written by us) in the local paper. DF had been well-known to many people locally through his job but had lost touch thanks to illness, so we were relying on the announcement to let people know, in case they wanted to come to the funeral.

Despite having clear instructions, the fuckwits at the paper put the announcement in the wrong edition - the paper was published in several small towns locally - so nobody in our village saw it. They couldn't have cared less at the paper when I rang, in a cold fury, to complain. In fact my call was cut off.

I pursued it, not because it could make any difference - it was too late for that - but I was bloody determined to get an apology. DF had lived in the town for over 50 years and many, many people would have wanted to pay their respects. Eventually they wrote back when I complained formally in writing, and did grovel. Fuckers.

still furious, in case you can't tell

It's an old fashioned thing from when people read local papers. I wouldn't waste my money, nobody I know buys local papers!

We did it for both my parents and for my dad we put it in the national broadsheets as he was well known in his field and some people came to the funeral who'd seen it in the Telegraph or Guardian.

I find it fascinating that sometimes several people will put individual announcements/tributes in the (local) paper for the same person.

its something my parents and the generations above still do. They see it as a mark of respect and it marks the passing. Plus, as someone else mentioned, it means people can check the paper and know the details without bothering the family or playing chinese whispers.

We always put the announcement in the local paper. It is just what we do.

The Guardian have, after the obits for famous people, a section called Other Lives where 'ordinary' people can write in about a loved one who's died. They write about the things this person did and what they meant to people, etc. It's a really lovely (if, obviously, melancholy) feature.

I think generally, death announcements are useful in a limited way ie you've got to happen to look at that section of that paper on that day or you won't see it.