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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most people are unhappily married?

309 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 00:59

Something I've been thinking of. How widely accepted men's jokes about a weekend with the lads/night out etc to get away from "the misses", how people describe marriage as a ball and chain, jokes like "single women are skinny because they see what's in the fridge and go to bed, married women see what's in the bed and go to the fridge,".

I've never understood why you'd marry someone you don't enjoy spending time with and I've started to think most people perhaps don't actually like their husbands or wives...

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 28/02/2019 15:37

I'm very happily married. Most (not all) of my friends appear to be too. But I wouldn't therefore assume most people are.

You are making a gross generalisation based on your own circle. They are not everyone.

CiarCel · 28/02/2019 15:42

What on earth is "this cultural acceptance of unhappy marriage" nonsense? Confused

(non-abusive) Marriages/LTRs are what they are - they are always going to have periods of boredom/staleness/practicality... you would be the same if you lived 24/7 with ANYONE - even your wonderful precious children are boring/tiresome/annoying at times. That is all part of being a healthy-minded human. Some relationships are "happy" enough to weather those periods, do something to change/wait for circumstances to change, some aren't.

NameChanger22 · 28/02/2019 15:45

I don't know anyone with a happy and healthy marriage. Most of my friends are being abused by their partners in one way or another, none of them want to admit it though.

FilthyforFirth · 28/02/2019 15:47

Only read the first page but I think people that dont like each other but marriage is the inevitable 'next step' have unhappy marriages. My SIL is getting divorced after 3 years marriage. When she got engaged I said to my DH 'why? They dont like each other'.

I like my DH a lot as well as love him and we are happily married.

BossAssBitch · 28/02/2019 15:52

Fiveredbricks

This'll be interesting... For every poster saying their marriage is wonderful and happy... Is that just for you or for both of you?

Both of us, my DH tells me every day how happy he is with me and how lucky he feels. Sorry Grin

stayathomer · 28/02/2019 16:23

Married thirteen years with four kids. We make regular jokes about the ball and chain etc, but talk and laugh about everything ( and argue too) and I know neither of us could even contemplate not being together. I think people say things like that but if you followed them for a week or saw them in difficult times you'd see a different story

stayathomer · 28/02/2019 16:25

I like my DH a lot as well as love him and we are happily married

I think that too- if you're not best friends first I'd say it's a different story

CostanzaG · 28/02/2019 16:30

This'll be interesting... For every poster saying their marriage is wonderful and happy... Is that just for you or for both of you?

Ask your partners tonight for an honest answer. You may find you are not.

Sorry to disappoint fiveredbricks but i'm happily married and my DH feels the same. He tells me he loves me and loves our life daily.

Again I think it's sad he it's frowned upon to talk positively about your partner

I completely disagree. I'm my DH's biggest champion and i know he's mine too. I'd hate to think of my DH talking about me negatively to others and I wouldn't do that to him.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 16:51

Interesting responses. I think people are right in that you'll hear more people complaining than praising and that sometimes people go along with things for social acceptance.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 28/02/2019 16:54

I genuinely don’t know anyone who is in an unhappy marriage.

I do know plenty of unhappy, single men and women

Moomintroll3 · 28/02/2019 17:08

I sometimes wonder if some people have been so badly hurt and disappointed in love and relationships that they assume everyone is secretly miserable? I've seen on here a few times if someone posts saying how they envy a friends life, relationship etc people will pile in saying oh you can't know what goes on behind closed doors, he's probably cheating on her etc. Nobody has a perfect life but some do get lucky when it comes to love and do have really good marriages.

edgen2019 · 28/02/2019 17:09

Been married for 55 years, very happily, is this a record?

mydogisthebest · 28/02/2019 17:38

Yes my DH would and does agree that we have a happy marriage. I know for a fact that when some of his friends moan about their wives or girlfriends DH often tells them I am not like that (nagging, bossy etc) and he knows how lucky he is.

PinaColada1 · 28/02/2019 17:56

Gosh I wonder if there are happier groups of people who are mostly happily married? And groups of people who are not? Possibly because of common expectations and behaviours?

By this thread it does seem to be the case.

I know I had a wonderful group of middle class women friends, however most of us married flaky men who were a mix of backgrounds but who we socialized with. So we are now either single or not happily together. Only two of us made it, and the were to the most together men, one was a builder and one a lawyer. We had a big group of male friends who have stayed our friends, however they all very shy and nerdy until their mid twenties, when we had all made our rather flaky choices with ‘interesting men’ (charismatic but irresponsible in the main). Our nerdy make friends have now ended up with fantastic wives and good marriages, and doing really well in their careers.

I think i might learn a lesson there!

2018SoFarSoGreat · 28/02/2019 18:06

I know that statistically there are more marriages that fail than survive, but that is just not apparent in my circle. Every single couple I have known since my kids were in preschool is still a couple, and all of the ones I spend any amount of time with are outwardly very happy. They laugh together, share the load, and spend time together.

I've been married for 38 years and absolutely adore my DH. He is smart, funny, very easy on the eyes, a marvelous cook, very sexy, and my best pal. We both often tell each other we are the luckiest people in the world. And mean it. We like and respect each other, and still very much fancy each other. I recognize how lucky that makes me.

All of my siblings are in long happy marriages, as were my parents and grandparents. Growing up we could see that life will sometimes throw shit at us, and we handle it. Together. If we love and respect each other, we can get through whatever comes our way. Together.

puppymouse · 28/02/2019 18:40

I know what you mean OP. I was at someone's house on Friday. A soon to be divorced friend on one side and a friend who had a temporary separation a few years ago and is desperately unhappy generally on the other.

DH and I have our ups and down but are broadly pretty content.

cushioncovers · 28/02/2019 19:29

Been married for 55 years, very happily, is this a record?

55 years no
Happily married yes. Grin

EdWinchester · 28/02/2019 19:40

I am very happily married and have been for 24 years.

We have a large circle of friends and I would say just about everyone is happily married too.

I have 3 sisters that have been married for even longer than I have, ditto my husband's brothers and parents and in laws that are in long, happy and devoted marriages.

Maybe I live in a bubble of connubial bliss!

Uptheapplesandpears · 28/02/2019 20:02

I know that statistically there are more marriages that fail than survive, but that is just not apparent in my circle.

There aren't. You might be more representative than you think!

HoppityFrog3 · 28/02/2019 20:10

@Seline

What the hell? No, I'm not. I wouldn't have married someone I didn't enjoy being with. Your defensiveness suggests my question of curiosity hit a sore spot.

Nope. I think I am the one who hit a raw nerve with you.

Why are you so angry and defensive?

You seem sooooooo desperate to tell everyone (like we give a shit) that you have SUCH a happy marriage, and everyone else you know has a shit one.

Methinks the lady doth protest too much. Wink

As I said, you wouldn't have posted the thread, if your marriage was all fluffy and shiny and perfect.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 20:12

I posted because I was curious about these comments I hear a lot. You're clearly just jealous that some of us are genuinely happy.

OP posts:
OftenHangry · 28/02/2019 20:21

I don't agree. But then everyone has a different standards of what is "happy".

Plus lots of people forget it's not just unicorns and rainbows, but that there will be crappy times and amazing times.

We have happy marriage. Otherwise we wouldn't be in it. Plus we wouldn't be where we are now without each other and not just workwise. We support each other, laugh together, shout "shut up Gregg" at tv during masterchef. And we bicker. There were few arguments when we haven't talked to each other for the whole day after.
It's a marriage 🤷‍♀️ There are ups and downs like in any relationship.

BrizzleMint · 28/02/2019 20:28

More people at work complain about their husbands than not in my experience. I

blueskiesovertheforest · 28/02/2019 20:37

Anyone who claims to be happy all the time is either lying or high.

Nobody is happy all the time, and certainly nobody is very happy or blisses out all the time unless they're living among the lotus eaters.

Its nothing to do with marriage, just the human condition.

Bubblegumgal · 28/02/2019 21:26

The only people I know in a happy LTR are my grandparents 60+ years.
Everyone else.... 🤷‍♀️
Statistically there’s bound to be more unhappy than happy marriages: with the divorce rate almost half & then those that stick around in unhappy marriages for one reason or another.
But it’s not that people choose to get into an unhappy relationship or marriage. It’s that relationships can turn sour at any point :- 3 weeks, 3 years, 30 years. Humans are complex creatures who’s needs and desires are ever changing. It doesn’t mean that people who are divorced have failed at marriage, but that, what was once working for them no longer is.