To think most people are unhappily married?

[Seline]

Something I've been thinking of. How widely accepted men's jokes about a weekend with the lads/night out etc to get away from "the misses", how people describe marriage as a ball and chain, jokes like "single women are skinny because they see what's in the fridge and go to bed, married women see what's in the bed and go to the fridge,".

I've never understood why you'd marry someone you don't enjoy spending time with and I've started to think most people perhaps don't actually like their husbands or wives...

I've experienced many couples who appear to be in lacklustre marriages, but haven't quite realised they're miserable, maybe they're not miserable. I think unhappiness depends on what your personal idea of happiness is, some people just seem to be happy to bump along in relationships/life, settle for it just being O.K with the odd somewhat happy bit. I just wouldn't even consider, but that's not up to me, each to their own. I also know a few couples who are fantastic together, go together perfectly, but sadly those kind of matches seem few and far between.

Marry your friend that you fancy and want to have sex with. I did. 30+ years ago.

A few months ago i wrote a dark post bc my dh was going through troubles and had become a bitter. Angry man.

Since then, we've had several talks and he's worked out his difficulties. I was lucky bc i truly truly wanted to leave and couldn't.

I liked him first. Then fell in love. I think that's a good formula bc i looked at him clearly before i looked past his bad points.

Before with men, I fell in love and discovered things i couldn't live with and had painful breakups.

Best wishes to those in unhappy situations. I hope you find peace and happiness.

I'm 'the wife's in DHs phone one of my closest friends is 'the enemy' in her DHs phone. It isn't personal and doesn't say anything about our relationships we are both happily married and our husbands are great they just also have a certain sense of humour which we are fully aware of. We make jokes about their boys weekends. Sometimes I can't stand the sight of my DH and I'm sure the feeling is mutual but I loves the bones of him and accept it's not all fairy tale and roses

Catsinthecupboard I totally agree

I think people change over the years and what made you happy 20 years ago doesn’t necessarily have the same effect now.

I know for a fact that I would not have “chosen” to be with my OH based on what we have become over time. We just have completely different interests. We have grown in different directions but we have kids and they will have their own kids in the future (hopefully) and sometimes rubbing along ok is enough. There are ways of getting excitement and happiness outside of marriage if you look hard enough.

No escaping it in the media either. Wife and Mother In Law jokes are as old as the hills. Even the fact theres a spiky plant called Mother In Law’s Tongue. If men don’t fall into the playground type banter they get accused of being under the thumb. No winning

Men who engage in sexist 'banter' because they're worried about being ridiculed need to grow a backbone.
God I hate the word banter

This sexist crap doesn’t apply to all groups of friends / social groups though.

I never hear it tg (unless real problems pre-divorce most likely and still not ‘banter’)

If you say all men will be worried about looking under the thumb it’s not all.

If I was to answer this based on what I hear from my friends, I’d say absolutely!

My married friends (male & female) tend to only talk about their marriages when they’re unhappy. A lot of the time, I’m appalled at how badly people treat each other. ( I left my husband for minor reasons by comparison!) But no matter how bad they say it is, they stay together.

Some people thrive in dysfunctional relationships and some have very low expectations so might decide to just rub along along together & make the best of it.

I think more people should look at the damage to their kids & the example they’re setting if their marriage is genuinely unhappy.

And I’ve loved reading from all the posters on here who are very happy & appreciative of their relationships.

I can understand how you might think this. I know a few couples who prefer spending social time apart, the wife even takes her holidays when he is at work!
However, I can tell you my marriage is lovely. Many friends have happy, healthy marriages and just watching my mum and dad who still only have eyes for each other and completely dote on each other- there is still real love in the world and happy marriages. 😊💕

IME every marriage will, at some point, experience lows as well as highs. Sometimes, caused by things within the relationship - birth of DCs differences of opinion over DCs, affairs, etc. Sometimes caused by events outside the relationship - bereavements, redundancy etc. Either has the power to make a marriage less than happy for a while. Problems from within the relationship need to be worked in together if they are so be overcome and outside issues more often requite one partner to support the other for a while. It depends ds on the willingness of both partners to do whatever is needed at that time to support the marriage. My own marriage has certainly seen it's share of issues, as any 40+ year relationship would.
What makes our marriage happy is that we accept that we have both grown and changed since we met when I was a teenager - we have grown together and we have both supported each other at times of outside difficulties. I know , absolutely, my Dh has my back as I do his. Happiness isn't always about a massive grin and dancing around like a child on Christmas Day. Sometimes it is about the contentment that a quiet evening watching a movie brings. It's the way he gently takes my hand when we are out together and the twinkle in his eye when he smiles at me from across the room at a large family gathering.
My definition of a happy marriage is very much not what suits everybody else. And as long as the people concerned are happy and contented within their marriage, then why would anybody judge them for not conforming to a different ideal?

Sorry, lots of typos there - fat fingers on phone! Hopefully you get the gist.

Agreed ‘banter’ is rubbish. Often drinks in wits out is to blame too.
I do not think all men are the same by the way, there are some lovely loving husbands and wives 😊

Great post bananasandwiches

Blimey Stinkycandle - defensive over reaction, much ? Are you also Seline, under a name change ???

BackforGood
no, I don't need to name change for that. 2 people might actually have the same view, how shocking is that

My own reply was to a specific post who was insulting, take it as you want.
I cannot comprehend adults who seem to believe a marriage is a unhappy state and you must give up your identity, freedom and god knows what. Some of us haven't settled and chose the right partner and nearly 20 years later are still in a honeymoon period. That's how it should be.

It's true that some people change and become incompatible. It's not true that all marriages are miserable.

Well, all relationships are problematic at some point, but we have freedom now to divorce and move on.

I was married to a good kind man for over 20 years. But he wasn't my best friend and didn't make me laugh much. 10 years of worsening severe mental illness and unwitting verbal and emotional abuse when he was sectioned twice just seems to have killed our marriage. He's the last person I want to spend time with, I find it very stressful to be around him and I've lost attraction and respect even though a lot of his poor attitude and lack of engagement is probably due to illness and ASD traits and a f**ked up upbringing. But I just can't stay with him, even for the kids. It's very hard.

I'd say among my friends half are happily married and half are at differing levels of unhappiness, partly as a result of very difficult family situations. Also totally agree with the poster before who commented that having children and the reality of inequality has a big impact together with the daily realities of everyday sexism which he will not accept. I don't know now how much work marriage is supposed to be. Mine was a huge amount, I think there should be some work, but also fun.

I am unhappily married and I'd say my husband would feel that way too.
I do love him. He gave me my children and we have been together since we were 18. We are now mid 30s. Have been together for 18 years!! So I have only ever known him! He is a good man, he provides for us, he loves us, he's not violent, there's a lot of good.
But I am unhappily married because we are both different people now. We were essentially kids when we got together.we are no longer a good fit, we don't make each other happy, we don't fancy each other, we don't like each other most of the time. We don't have any shared interests. We are completely opposite in every single way.
I wish we could seperate but many reasons why we can't. Even if we did i would never get involved with anyone else because it's put me off for life.
My parents are also unhappily married too

I think the jokes you refer to are just that.....in groups people self-deprecate to make themselves more likeable so jokes about unhappy marriages do the same job. It doesn't always go down well in group conversation to wax lyrical about how fantastic your relationship is - obviously there are exceptions to this when it does - but in the most part you could come across as braggy if you did and the British sense of humour is based on satire which mocks the absurdity of modern life - marriage included.

@SpanielEars070

@Seline is either a goady fucker or a journalist.

You really must tell us all how you manage to cope with newborn twins, having a perfect marriage, MIL from hell AND spend all day writing threads on MN.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3520487-To-be-angry-that-someone-came-to-my-birth-when-I-didnt-want-them-to?

LOL, well spotted. Just as I suspected. She is full of it.

@Backforgood

Blimey Stinkycandle - defensive over reaction, much ? Are you also Seline, under a name change ???

I'm not goady. Or a journalist. Asking questions on a forum is goady? If you think that then the internet isn't for you.

👀👀👀

oh dear...

The jokes are as silly as the conclusions you've so readily drawn based on so very little. Your post says more about your view of yourself than anyone else.