To think most people are unhappily married?

[Seline]

Something I've been thinking of. How widely accepted men's jokes about a weekend with the lads/night out etc to get away from "the misses", how people describe marriage as a ball and chain, jokes like "single women are skinny because they see what's in the fridge and go to bed, married women see what's in the bed and go to the fridge,".

I've never understood why you'd marry someone you don't enjoy spending time with and I've started to think most people perhaps don't actually like their husbands or wives...

People make jokes about the things which frighten them.

To an extent being married for a long time, staying with the same person through the ups and downs of life frightens some people. What if the happiness doesnt last, what if she/he meets someone else? If they stay with the same person will they look tied down? will they look old and staid?

So people make jokes about it.

Strange anyone would class marriage as fun. You should still have fun times and be compatible, Dating is fun. Marriage involves the mundane day to day tedious tasks that drag the best of us down.

Being monogamous in a lifelong relationship is NOT a natural state to be in, it is one that has been constructed to form the basis of the thing called society that we hold to more important, and so while its important to make the most of it and enjoy each other, you should still remember that there is a bigger reason to it than just enjoying it.

I’m very happy with DH but he’s still annoying sometimes. He’s not the “love of my life” but I love him.

I think a lot of people aren’t happy.

We've been married 20 years. At times I would have said I was unhappily married. At other times I would have said I was very happily married.

At the moment I'd say we're just plodding along, neither particularly happy nor unhappy.

So I fall in both marriage camps, as I suspect do many others.

Abusive marriages and partners are a separate category imo, and do not fall within the normal happy/unhappy periods of a long term relationship.

I think there is a cultural element to this. I asked French DH if he would go on a lads weekend and he just said what for? He would go on a weekend away to watch a rugby match somewhere far enough to stay away but with other people who were passionate about rugby not just because they were men.

And to answer the actual question we are family with children from 2 marriages and that is complicated enough to require counseling help. But the marriage is a happy one. We enjoy each other's company and hanging out together.

we are all human if you are in a long term relationship I don't believe it's realistic that you will both be happy constantly just like you have times in your life you will be happier than others in any aspect of your life job, family, friends, expiriences, financial situation. Ultimately in life we can't all just do what we want every minute of the day due to many things but obviously if you have a partner you have to consider their wants and needs and sometimes you won't want the same things at the same time. I also think when you have young children , not getting much sleep or time together many relationships go through a tough time and neither partner gets much free time.

I think some old fashioned men make those silly sort of a jokes as a defensive measure - they don't want to acknowledge how much they love and need their wife as they think it makes them vulnerable, like exposing their soft underbelly.

I know plenty of happy marriages and they can all look very different as they are composed of 2 different individuals. My sister & BIL live in each other pockets, DH & I do a lot of things independent of each other. Neither is right or wrong - I think you show very rigid thinking OP, that can't respect the diversity of other relationships and the nuance of how they relate to each other. Marriages are like icebergs - the public only sees the very tip, there is so much going on underneath the surface.

know a lot of people in unhappy marriages. In many cases the men are horrible arses so the women are unhappy. The women withdraw all affection so the men are unhappy

Gender war summarised fairly neatly there !

Seline are you basing your theory of everyone else's marriages on misogynistic jokes? Do you have an equally insightful theory about blonds?

I think there are some really valid points on this thread, and the ones that resonate most strongly for me are these:

1. that you hear far more about people's problems in marriage, because people only tend to discuss when there ARE problems
2. that marriage happiness is a bell curve and most of us are somewhere in the bell, not in the outlying flanges of it.

I love my husband but god he gets on my tits sometimes. But then I'm not perfect either and he still loves me too. The thing that holds us together more than anything is that we can have a laugh together - we've been together for 16 years this year, married for 12 and while we do argue and have bad spells, mostly it's the laughter that we can share that keeps us going.
There are things about him I might want to change - but I wouldn't exchange him and I'd definitely be worse off without him than with him, in human terms.

I ponder this a lot. My parents’ marriage was desperately unhappy and they eventually divorced. DH’s parents were unhappy but stayed together. Growing up I saw a lot of this. I can’t think of many friends whose parents seemed to be happy! There were affairs and problems and divorces.

My friends - many are less than happy. But a fair few are I’m happy to say. DH and I are ok. It’s not perfect and at times I think we do pretty well. Given out shitty experiences of marriage growing up that is maybe surprising!

I would agree marriage now - there is such high expectations and they always fall short. I think if you can look for someone with a sense of humour who is kind and with similar life principles, you should be ok. A lot of my friends are married to dickheads.

I’m happy and most of my friends are.

People like to moan. It’s not very British to say “we’re still really happy and love each other lots”. It would be pretty nauseating really.

Mumsnet gives a skewed perception. You’re only really going to post in relationships if you’re having a problem.

I think a lot of people have just lost the ability to recognise a joke. Sometimes things are exactly that, jokes. I think people on the whole are happy but feel they need to take offence at comments similar to the ones you mention as it is what they think is expected of them. I am on the whole happy in my life including my marriage, but I have not lost my sense of humour and neither has my DH so we are able to make jokes about each other and they are just that, our actions to one another are more indicative of how we really feel about one another.

A lot of people are in relationships because they can't be alone. What I've observed is that a lot of Women get more out of female friendships than they ever do their Partners, but cling on.

Some for sex, because you only have to read the threads about fuck buddies, to see that there's still ridiculous opinions about 'how we should live'.

For others it is financial, or they've had children and it isn't bad enough to split.

Then what's left are the happy ones and the happy enough ones.

I've seen a lot of compromise by Women amd now in our 50's, my female peer group, are only now realising the compromises, in every way, that they've made, to stay married.

I hope that dies out with each generation, until its gone.

"our actions to one another are more indicative of how we really feel"

I wish more Women would take that on board. There are a lot of Women putting up with shit behaviour.

Even when they start threads, there's other Women telling them to be grateful and to ignore her wants and needs.

I was discussing this with a friend recently.

My friend said she only knows of two happy marriages in her circle, mine and one other.

We are celebrating our Silver Wedding this year.

I definitely know of lots of unhappy or just not all that great marriages. But then we all have young children to push it to its limits. I think it’s totally normal to be in a marriage rut, my marriage is shit atm!

Seline if I remember rightly from another thread you married very young, are religious and don’t believe in divorce.

I’m not sure how you can be so baffled by unhappy marriages

Dunno about “most” but certainly some people stay in unhappy marriages. My dp stayed together for years despite hating each other with a passion. You see it in mn and friends too - people staying in desperately unhappy relationships.

I think a lot of people don’t leave because they need to be married- they feel that being single (especially a single parent) has a stigma that they can’t cope with. A lot of people fear change, it’s difficult to break up even a bad relationship. And for a lot of women (especially with kids) and some men, leaving an unhappy marriage would mean they would have a much lower standard of living and much less money.

That’s not to say that all relationships are unhappy but a significant number of people do stay in unhappy relationships. I am happily single after breaking up with ex (we are on good terms). I like having my own space And wouldn’t stay in an unhappy relationship but am open to someone new if the right person came along.

When I left my ex, almost every female I'm friends with said they were jealous of my bravery and that they wish they could do the same but feel trapped because of x/y/z. Several (married) males have hit on me, because clearly them popping round for a shag when the DC are in bed is such an exciting prospect for me I agree with OP. I don't know of any truly happy relationships. Even on days out, married couples seem to be either snappy with one another or ignoring one another and on their phones. I don't miss being in a relationship at all!

Thumbwitchesabroad you could be describing my marriage!

These kind of jokes annoy me. ‘Chain and ball’?! Do go fuck yourself dear. Off you go and see how you get on.
I’m not a ball and the marriage is not a chain.
To me they represent lack of respect towards your partner. And when that’s gone, there’s not much else left.

I used to have an inept and abusive husband. That was no joke. What started with: oh, he’s a man, what did you expect? escalated over 20 years.
I’d be wary if my partner spouted shit like that.

I think marriages are hard though and obviously go through ups and downs. My best friend was very unhappily married about 10 years ago as she didn't communicate well with her dh, he is a workaholic and she felt like a single parent. They almost divorced but the threat of that made him change, prioritise his family more and they started to talk. They are now very happy. I'm very happy but currently going through a hard patch due to dh's health. I suppose a lot of people do stay together despite being unhappy because of finances or children. I think those jokes you referred are just that though, jokes. (Bad ones!)

@tootightjeans - I think Seline is young and hasn’t been married long. Give it time and she may well understand it quite well.