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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most people are unhappily married?

309 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 00:59

Something I've been thinking of. How widely accepted men's jokes about a weekend with the lads/night out etc to get away from "the misses", how people describe marriage as a ball and chain, jokes like "single women are skinny because they see what's in the fridge and go to bed, married women see what's in the bed and go to the fridge,".

I've never understood why you'd marry someone you don't enjoy spending time with and I've started to think most people perhaps don't actually like their husbands or wives...

OP posts:
IrmaFayLear · 28/02/2019 12:42

I think it's men having the teeth whitening, or suddenly taking an interest in their appearance after years of slobbing.

Many people lose weight because of health concerns, but mark my words if a bloke is lying in bed with the teeth whitening inserts then you might as well start divvying up the CD collection.

CostanzaG · 28/02/2019 12:44

Hmmm my DH is so impressed with the results of my teeth whitening he's considering having it done himself........ he's 100% not having an affair though so i'll hold off on the divorce proceedings.

notanothernam · 28/02/2019 13:00

Haha that made me giggle, my DH is super paranoid about his teeth and has bought whitening stuff in the past and usually has stupidly expensive toothpaste. I'll ask him later who he is shagging.

ScatteredMama82 · 28/02/2019 13:00

I don't think most people are unhappily married at all. I think there is standard husband/wife banter that goes on all the time. Don't take that seriously.

People who come on MN for advice are generally the unhappy ones, people in a happy marriage don't need to ask for advice or opinions so you don't see it - I think that gives a skewed view of 'most people'

Moomintroll3 · 28/02/2019 13:13

I guess its hard to say Im not aware of anyone I know being unhappily married but a lot of people will keep that sort of thing hidden. I usually find divorces surprising but it turns out the couples involved have had difficulties for years.

I am myself very happy with my partner of 23 years. We have the odd disagreement but we dont fight and our private home life is lovely and I feel very lucky.

StinkyCandle · 28/02/2019 13:16

if a bloke is lying in bed with the teeth whitening inserts then you might as well start divvying up the CD collection.

might be true for some, same as suddenly hitting a gym or buying a sports car, but it's a generalising a tad too much to take that as a warning sign!

IrmaFayLear · 28/02/2019 13:26

Sometimes I could strangle dh. He is much tidier than I am and one recent row was when I caught him re-arranging the bookcases with the books in size order with those silly horizontal piles at intervals Angry . What the hell? They are in a (vague) arrangement of author/genre/what I've read or haven't got round to yet.

It didn't occur to me to post on MN about it as no doubt I'd be told to LTB and that would have been a bit inconvenient as I wanted to go to the pub quiz with him that evening...

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 13:38

YOU are unhappily married, and YOU are in one of these couples staying together despite being in a dull, loveless, unhappy marriage. But you are too scared to leave, and worried about how you will survive alone.

What the hell? No, I'm not. I wouldn't have married someone I didn't enjoy being with. Your defensiveness suggests my question of curiosity hit a sore spot.

OP posts:
flowersinthebedroom · 28/02/2019 13:40

People will talk about the things that annoy them about their OH, rather than saying how wonderful things are.
It's just human nature, if I go shopping to the same place every week it's a non-event, but if something goes wrong like being overcharged or the meat had gone off then I'll talk about it.

flowersinthebedroom · 28/02/2019 13:45

You remind me of a relative who says that her husband loves her more than anyone else's, they have the best relationship etc.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 13:49

I haven't really said anything about my relationship. I just find this cultural acceptance of unhappy relationships sad.

OP posts:
notanothernam · 28/02/2019 13:54

@Seline and yet when the divorce rate increases people cry "what happened to the fix it generation, you don't throw something out because it's broken" blah blah...

notanothernam · 28/02/2019 13:55

@Seline I'm not saying you say that by the way, I agree life is too short for unhappy relationships.

Singlespies · 28/02/2019 14:04

I think that a lot of perceptions are incorrect. We take relationships at face value. When my now ex husband and I split up, people who had known us a long time were very puzzled. People who had known us for less time, not so much. I have friends who have not had sex for several years with their husband and are devastated by it. But the husbands then post all over social media how much they love their wives. We know 50% of marriages break up. I suspect that 50% of those who stay married are unhappy in their marriage because it is very expensive to survive a divorce because you have to finance two households. However, what I might perceive to be unhappy, other women might put up with. I certainly now notice that men within a marriage seem to have loads more free time and expensive hobbies than women. But you don't notice (or you don't want to notice) when you are in a marriage.

CostanzaG · 28/02/2019 14:08

I think that a lot of perceptions are incorrect. We take relationships at face value. When my now ex husband and I split up, people who had known us a long time were very puzzled. People who had known us for less time, not so much.

Absolutely this. The exact same thing happened to me.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 28/02/2019 14:10

I think a lot of couples don't think about the importance of being friends as well as lovers too be honest. As I said above, DH is absolutely my best friend and I am his. I would rather spend time with him than anyone else and I can tell him absolutely anything.

Totally agree, except for the "I can tell him absolutely anything bit." My DH is my best friend and he said last weekend how much he enjoy spending time with me...awww!

But, we don't tell each other everything! Some issues I prefer to discuss with female friends or just keep to myself as it might hurt DH's feelings. There are also a few things that that DH and I have v. different opinions on, so we've just agreed to disagree.

I think a happy marriage/long-term relationship boils down to respect as well as love. If you respect each other and treat each other with courtesy (most of the time, rows/grumpy days are permissible Grin), you'll be happy.

Halloumimuffin · 28/02/2019 14:15

I think people tend to be self-deprecating, plus obvious displays of love and affection are seen as a social faux pas, so the end result is people making jokes about how unhappy they are.

'Off out without the ol' ball n' chain' - considered funny and socially acceptable.

'Love my DH so much. He makes me so happy and I can't imagine my life without him' - unfriend on Facebook, pass the sick bucket.

UnperfectLife · 28/02/2019 14:26

Marriage isn't a fairytale. It's not a life long honeymoon either. It's good to poke fun - though most of your examples are a bit outdated- sometimes you laugh because you identify with a tiny grain of the situation. But i think it's an exaggeration to say "most" people are unhappily married.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 14:29

Again I think it's sad he it's frowned upon to talk positively about your partner.

OP posts:
hardyloveit · 28/02/2019 14:36

I think it's bad you have wrote "most people" do you know everyone??? Nope!

I'm very happily married HOWEVER either to your friends or here on the net you don't talk about the things that your happy with! You normally moan that you have had an argument etc so people normally only hear the "bad" side of a marriage and I think that's perfectly normal!

I wouldn't call my best friend and shout about how happy my husband makes me feel everyday but I would perhaps moan we had a little tiff this morning etc

BossAssBitch · 28/02/2019 15:17

My marriage is blissful, my DH is the best man I have ever known and my relationship makes me very happy. My DH rarely annoys me and we never have 'shouty' arguments. Of course we disagree sometimes, but always with respect. So no, OP, I don't agree.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 15:26

Again I think it's sad he it's frowned upon to talk positively about your partner.

OP posts:
Fiveredbricks · 28/02/2019 15:28

This'll be interesting... For every poster saying their marriage is wonderful and happy... Is that just for you or for both of you?

Ask your partners tonight for an honest answer. You may find you are not.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 28/02/2019 15:30

I don’t know anyone in my friendship group who is unhappily married. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I know some who have gone through harder times but none who are genuinely unhappy and just staying together.

beenandgoneandbackagain · 28/02/2019 15:31

Perhaps "unhappy" is too strong a word? I know a lot of people feel dissatisfied or bored, or are just tolerating a marriage because they don't know what else to do.

The large percentage of people having affairs, or men paying for sex with prostitutes, the number of people I see spending large chunks of their free time away from their partners through hobbies etc.

I'm at an age where a lot of people around me are getting divorced, usually initiated by the woman looking at her husband and thinking "is this what I want for the next 40 years".