To think most people are unhappily married?

[Seline]

Something I've been thinking of. How widely accepted men's jokes about a weekend with the lads/night out etc to get away from "the misses", how people describe marriage as a ball and chain, jokes like "single women are skinny because they see what's in the fridge and go to bed, married women see what's in the bed and go to the fridge,".

I've never understood why you'd marry someone you don't enjoy spending time with and I've started to think most people perhaps don't actually like their husbands or wives...

@CostanzaG

I'm my DH's biggest champion and i know he's mine too.

Yes! I didn't realise how important this was for a few years and wasn't as supportive as I could be, whereas DH has always backed me up . Luckily I matured a bit and it made things much better between us.

I do have a grumble to my friends about his silly habits, like spending too much time on the loo (whole threads about this on MN ) but he knows I'm on his side and I admire him greatly. He has many qualities that I aspire to...and I think I've got a few that he likes as well (fingers crossed).

Anyone who claims to be happy all the time is either lying or high.

Nobody is happy all the time, and certainly nobody is very happy or blisses out all the time unless they're living among the lotus eaters.

what kind of bollocks is that?
Of course there's shit in life, losing people, work stuff, redundancies, and all the rest of it. You can still be happy in your relationship, it can be the only thing that is right in your life!

I am happy all the time with my DH, why on earth wouldn't I be? I am just as free living with him as I would be living alone. I don't understand these people saying that relationship means you have no freedom, can't eat what you want, can't go out when you want, can't watch tv when you want. That's not a relationship, or not an adult one, that's the situation of a kid living in his parents house under their rules.
I have freedom ,I have a friend, someone to laugh with, someone to talk to, and who I also happen to love and fancy. Works for us.

@Seline

I posted because I was curious about these comments I hear a lot. You're clearly just jealous that some of us are genuinely happy.

Course you are luv. And yeah I'm sooooooooo jealous of some random nobody I don't even know on mumsnet who can say ANYthing about her life and relationship and pretend it's true.

@blueskiesovertheforest

Anyone who claims to be happy all the time is either lying or high.

Nobody is happy all the time, and certainly nobody is very happy or blisses out all the time unless they're living among the lotus eaters.

It's nothing to do with marriage, just the human condition.

This. ^ It's utter bollocks. NO couple is blissfully happy all the time. A few people are kidding themselves on this thread (especially the OP!)

Leave them to their wacky fantasising. It's not harming anyone.

amicrazy oh yeah it's fine to have a little eye roll moan about annoying little habits but ultimately you should present as a team.
I admire my DH and I'm proud of him. He's a great husband and excellent dad. I'm happy to make that known to the world.

HoppityFrog3
mate, if it makes you feel better to pretend it's normal to be unhappy, go for it. It's probably much easier than working on your own issues and try to improve whatever unhappy life you have, or realise you might have made some mistakes along the way and settled when others haven't.

After a while marriages have some good days, some bad days and most are average. That's how mine has bee,, we've been married for nearly 31 years now. I'd describe our marriage as goo, better than most.

You can marry someone you love but still get annoyed about day to day things. Surely that's inevitable when you live with anyone including house mates, parents or children.

This ^.
In fact everything Butteredghost said on P1

Yes, YABU to think most people are unhappily married. As has already been pointed out - you start a thread - or talk to close friends when you have a problem you want solving, not when you have had an ordinary day in a happy and stable situation.

I think one's perception will depend on the depth of sharing one have with one's friends.
At one time I would probably have said that most of my friends were in happy relationships (not seeing that marriage is necessarily relevant in the context) but as my friendships have deepened and I have cultivated connections with women who value seeing things for what they are and sharing with honesty and vulnerability, I now think that the majority are in relationships which are either not making them happy, or which are actively harming them; financially, emotionally and occasionally physically. And nobody would ever suspect it from the 'outside'. I think it is really common, and I think so many women are so conditioned to keep the peace that they don't even realise that's what they are doing in the name of marriage.

WarmthAndDepth I agree. I have a few close friends and I really do know the warts and all of their marriages and most have had rocky patches although most are committed to staying together, even if it's not all happiness and sunshine. I also have a big group of female friends- and I don't know much about their marriages at all, they all look fine from the outside and no-one says different, I was very surprised when one of them got divorced (husband unfaithful). My experience isn't that most people moan about their husbands at all, in fact, most keep up quite a front I've found.

.....and most have had rocky patches although most are committed to staying together, even if it's not all happiness and sunshine.

IMO, that doesn't mean they are in an unhappy marriage though.
When our dc were little, and we were knackered, broke, working all hours, getting no sleep, etc etc, we went through some difficult times, doesn't mean that we aren't in a happy marriage though. It means we were irritable and got annoyed at trivial things which got out of perspective. The fact we were strong enough / loved each other enough to work through that, means it strengthened our love and respect for each other. No-one walked when it was challenging, we were committed to each other and the relationship. I think anyone who expects to go through decades of life, with all the challenges that may throw at you - and it be a walk in the park 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, for year after year, decade after decade, is delusional. We've been married for donkeys years, and, looking back, it is during the difficult times that my dh has been my absolute rock.

I would say that most people I know are not unhappy, but not wildly happy either, just content or 'plodding along' .

My friendships are with people in their mid-40's to late 50's. Most have teenage or grown up children, some no children.

Of those who are divorced, 2 got divorced early on when their children very young after marrying at a young age, have brought their DC up as single parents and have struggled with relationships since. A couple of divorces after 20+ years of marriage, children grown up, and due to one partner leaving the marriage because of an affair to be with their new partner. One person leaving a marriage of 30 years as she just wanted better for the rest of her life.

I don't know anybody whose marriage has broken up whilst their children are school age. I would say that my female friends tend to moan about our husbands but it's mainly light hearted, a bit similar to the jokes in the OP.

It's been good to see those who were dreading the empty nest connecting with their partners again after years of just focusing around the children. The two women I know whose husbands left them for affairs were devastated and had no idea, thought their marriage solid. They are both now doing well, getting back on their feet.

I'm not sure what any of the above means though!

I'm probably in a bit too much of a bitter phase at the moment to give an objective comment but I think if you put aside marriages where there is DV, addiction, crazy behaviour etc, then most plod along with good times and not so good (rather than terrible) times. Happy isn't a status or a constant frame of mind. I think it's probably better to look at it in terms of do you have a generally positive outlook towards the marriage, are you pleased you chose the partner you have, are they someone you feel you can rely on/enjoy being with/makes you smile and feel good? The drugged happy state is only for the start of the relationship, I think it's a recipe for disaster if you think that you can be like that indefinitely!

People do seem to be generally surprised by just how well my DH and I get along. Which isn't to say we don't bicker on occasion - we do - but we do genuinely really like each other's company.

We work together, in the same team, and have done for over a decade. We obviously live together. We have at least one night out just the two of us every week. Other times we'll stay in and play board games/slag off game show contestants.

This morning he's working from home and I don't work on a Friday, so we went for breakfast together. After lunch we're running off on a daft mini break to Skegness. We spend pretty much all our time together and that makes us really happy. He was away for work a couple of nights this week and I really missed the daft bugger - didn't sleep well without him snorting and fidgeting next to me. He claims the same (though I suspect he fell asleep within half a minute as he does here).

But I married him because he makes me laugh, we share common values and he really is my absolute best friend. I think he'd say the same about me. Why wouldn't we want to knock about together?

Yet people treat us as some sort of oddity and with suspicion: 'you live and work together - don't you get sick of each other?!' 'You're going to a karaoke bar, just the two of you?'

Is it that unnatural to think your husband is by and large quite a nice human? I mean, sometimes I think he's King Bellend, but those moments are fairly few and fleeting. I don't mind him, for the most part

I think wanting space doesn’t mean you’re unhappy it is actually healthy to do things outside of each other!

I married someone I'm very happy spending time with. We don't bicker. We have shared interests and a shared sense of humour. I'm still unhappily married though. It doesn't have to be all hammer and tongs or arseholes to be unhappy. I think many people would be surprised to find out that their friends' outwardly very happy looking marriages are not quite so peachy.

This question makes me feel really sad. Everyone had their version of a successful marriage. I’m in my thirties and see my parents and a lot of people their ages staying together because it’s how it should be - regardless of happiness. In this day we live for being “happy” and too many people are flaky enough to leave at the first sense of turbulence. It’s all about balance and appreciating each other and both your needs. If you can’t establish that, there’s not a marriage worth saving

Yanbu. In my village many of the women that I know spend lots of time bitching about their husbands. They seem to prefer their female friends to their spouses. I found it all rather boring and stopped socialising with them. My own dh is wonderful, love him to bits.

Are you serious??
I’ve always LOVED food and thanks to my fast metabolism I’ve always been skinny and I’m happily married. The way some men talk about their wives/partners it’s down to their upbringing or just being a*s really which could be said about some women too, not just men.
Being in a loving marriage means that love being tested in many ways over time and not always a smooth ride but it all depends on individuals and whether they quit at the first hurdle or seeing a bigger picture and continuously trying to make things work if the love is there.
I’d think most people marry because of loving each other but of course, life can be very tough down the line and things can change which is completely natural although very sad at times.

Or it could just be you don't get a joke when you see it? I've tagged my husband as the ball and chain but I love him deeply and I'm very happy thanks very much

I think people like to complain. Girlfriends. particular. You don't go on about how wonderful your husband is. It would be weird. But there are unhappy couples course. As well as unhappy times in a good marriage. It's just life

People change. I remember I asked my mum what she saw in my dad when I was a young teen and she said ‘he wasn’t like that when I married him’ which would’ve been 25+ years before that.
I think when you get married you’re optimistic about the future, you’re young and attractive, you haven’t had kids, you’ve probably both eating so have disposable income etc. Then stresses start... plus the slide into middle age, etc.

*earning, not eating

Nope, I don't think most people are unhappily married. I think some people are unhappily married. And some people are generally unhappy. And some people just like to moan.

I am 95% happy and 5% full of rage. Sometimes I want to stab him in the face - but more often I look forward to spending time with him and feel massively fortunate to have been together for 18 years. I am fortunate I never spend time with any guys who would make jokes like that - it sounds like they come from another era!