To think most people are unhappily married?

[Seline]

Something I've been thinking of. How widely accepted men's jokes about a weekend with the lads/night out etc to get away from "the misses", how people describe marriage as a ball and chain, jokes like "single women are skinny because they see what's in the fridge and go to bed, married women see what's in the bed and go to the fridge,".

I've never understood why you'd marry someone you don't enjoy spending time with and I've started to think most people perhaps don't actually like their husbands or wives...

In my family there are definitely happy marriages. My parents have been married 67 years and are still in love, I have been married 39 years and both siblings married 36 years. 5 out of 6 cousins married over 25 years (other cousin divorced).

People are always surprised though when my mum tells them all her 3 children have been married so long and all first marriages! I just find that sad.

Almost all of our friends are divorced. Some on 2nd marriages, a few on 3rd marriages and two on 4th marriages. One of the ones on her third marriage has only been married 10 years and yet has seemed unhappy almost from the beginning. Always posting on facebook about how horrible he is to her, how lonely she is etc.

I love DH like crazy and we get on really well. He is definitely my best friend as well as my husband and lover. I would rather spend time with him than anyone else. That's not to say that there are times when he drives me mad.

The only guy I know who uses the word "missus" is a 25 year old neighbour. He and his girlfriend live together. Only known each other 4 years and have 2 children (apparently she got pregnant after they had known each other 2 weeks). They don't seem to be very happy. She absolutely rules the roost and orders him about, doesn't let him go out with his friends, even has got him only working a couple of hours each evening as she doesn't like him being out during the day! I have never ever heard him refer to her by her name. If he doesn't call her the missus he says "she said" or " I said to her". I find that weird

I know at least 2 people personally, who are in unhappy marriages, who wont leave because they have too much to lose, both would lose a lot if they split up, as both are quite well off, so dont want to lose the lifestyle
The lady just puts up with womanising husband,the man of the other couple just has affairs or flings, and wouldn:t leave his wife, for the same reason, likes the lifestyle he has, both been married for 40 -50 years,

I cant talk for everyone but of the married couples I know they all seem happy and stable (not that it means everything is ok).

I don't know any divorcees, Im early thirties and most couples I know are early or mid thirties some in their fourties.

I am happily married. Been with my dh for 15 years and married for 3.

I don't imagine that most are unhappy. I'd like to hope it's less than half!

Marriage isn't meant to be fun!

Yes it is!!

I know some people in unhappy marriages but then i know lots of very happily married couples...myself included.
Life is too short to be unhappy - if something doesn't make you happy then change it!

Life is too short to be unhappy - if something doesn't make you happy then change it!
hear hear!

A lot of couples are happy together. Most of my friends and family seem to be, as much as you know. There aren't many divorce around, and most of us don't like "single nights" (girls night out or whathaveyou) because we prefer going with partners.

I never accept a wedding invit' if my DH is not invited. I could perfectly manage on my own, I do it at work every day, but I don't want to.

Most of my friends try to encourage their partner to join their hobby and sport to spend more time together. Most couple actually like each other

It's sad if you are stuck with someone you dislike, you don't have to be. I am always shocked by the threads where people are clearly not getting on, but the OP still wants to get married, or worst had children but moan the other one doesn't want to get married.

"@ravenmum I'm talking to you "
Are you telling me off? Boy am I shitting myself now
Of course you were generalising.

I don't think people are generally unhappily married. Real life isn't how the movies dipicts! I love my husband I really do and I'm in a very happy marriage generally speaking, this doesn't mean that he sometimes makes my blood boil! We have 2 very small children, it's tough, our lives are busy and stressful and finding time for us is difficult at the moment. If I wrote a post on here on one of our bad days I'd get a load of ltb etc, that's just a bad day though I don't need to ltb! I wouldn't go out of my way to start a thread to say how happy I am when we've had a fantastic day out together or something and how amazing my husband is. Mumsnet gives you a skewed view of relationships.

I don't think people stay in unhappy marriages either, a good friend of mine went through a rough patch in her marriage, a week later it was over. She was going on about her happiness etc etc. She started seeing the new person before her marriage was officially over, but her happiness was at the centre of it all. Absolutely no shame! When I asked her how her affair was going she snapped at me! When I've had a fallout with my husband she's the first telling me to leave him "it's all about your happiness", lol, yeah ok, I'll sleep on it and forget what the fallout is about tomorrow, I live in the real world, not on a rom com set!

Marriage is by its very nature difficult. It doesn’t matter how much you enjoy spending time with some one/love them being married is about so much more than feelings. You (usually) parent together, live together (the worst bit surely), manage finances together etc. You make compromises fir each other. You put up with the other person when they aren’t in a good mood. You help the other person when they have a problem. Marriage requires a lot of input time, money, emotions, to be successful. It’s very draining. People who are not resilient to stress struggle to cope with the extra stresses that marriage/cohabitation/having two sets of problems brings. And people who are self centred/have an unrealistic idea of what marriage should be fail to support their spoyse the way they should. In order to be happy in a marriage both parties need to to be reasonable, resilient, have good self esteem/strong character/be reasonably independent, have good empathy and be patient. Quite frankly a lot of people just aren’t good enough to cope, the ones who are good enough may end up up happy because their spouse isn’t (even people with the above qualities can’t comoensate for the damage that a weak spouse can do to a marriage) or they may have periods when they struggle to cope because they have too much going on. Marriage is only happy for people who have the strength to make it happy most of the time and to persevere through the times when it isn’t.

I don't think it's "unhappily married" as such, I think most people have some ups and downs but overall they are as happy as they're ever going to be - in a marriage. I think it would be the same being single - some ups, some downs.

I would not rely on the old cliches as a guide (that seems very naive and 1970s comedy based, in a time when people mostly did settle down very soon/young as it was societally expected generally speaking in the UK then - living together was still mostly frowned upon and how many of us would have married our first real BF/GF and still been happy years later? So possibly more people would have been in unhappy marriages because they hadn't really chosen/felt they had much of a choice but to get married young (and foolish, and broke probably). These days people are far more free to make better choices and to try out living together before getting married, or even never get married at all.

Also some of those can be tongue in cheek or even affectionately meant - it's the attitude of the expression, not the expression itself.

I was married for 26 years! (31 years together) most of those were happy but the last 5 years were very unhappy, I was lost and didn't know who I was anymore. It wasn't his fault, it was mine and we are so much happier now we are apart. Perhaps marriage should come with a "break clause" ...

I am very happily unmarried, I have a wonderful boyfriend (still sounds funny at our our age ... we are in our 50's) ... whether we will get married remains to be seen, neither of us feel its necessary,

Marriage requires a lot of input time, money, emotions, to be successful. It’s very draining.

completely disagree, that sounds like too much hard work for me. I wouldn't be with my DH if I found it draining. It's not all a honeymoon, but when you are with the right person, it's easy. It's fun, it's simple, it just flows.

@Seline

YOU are unhappily married, and YOU are in one of these couples staying together despite being in a dull, loveless, unhappy marriage. But you are too scared to leave, and worried about how you will survive alone.

You wouldn't have started this thread otherwise.

Hope your life (and marriage) improves soon. Have you sought marriage counselling?

Also in my circle of friends, acquaintances and school parents etc, out of those who are married there's hardly divorces (yet?) and people in their 10-20 years married stage now. It's a mixed suburban/urban area, not particularly middle class. I don't get the impression people are "staying together because of the children" either. Most people (I think) are very realistic about marriage being happy enough and the upset/upheaval a divorce can bring, also they did not mostly marry below 25, more 28 and upwards, a lot in their 30s, when personalities and behaviour are a little more settled.

I think the very first reply summed it up actually, some men turn into miserable arseholes and treat their wives like shit. I am no longer happily married. The first 20 years were great, but as I got older I realised that my dh doesn't listen to me, doesn't really value my opinion, and actually isn't very nice to me quite a lot of the time. I no longer have any feelings for him and he is baffled. He actually adores me, he is affectionate, he has been 100% faithful to me, and most of the time he is very good to me, but he has been shit to me once too often and I have had enough.

I am assuming the OP has enough for her article now.

Marriage requires a lot of input time, money, emotions, to be successful. It’s very draining

I would say it can both flow at times but also be the above.

You can be jogging along really nicely, but when the very hard times hit, serious or terminal illness, one of the children is ill physically or mentally, loss of a job/income or even just a tricky time with teenagers, these things are stressful in their own right for each individual, and it is no wonder the marriage itself can be harder work, even if you are pulling in the same direction (and that's when real differences in values/beliefs and solutions can also show).

People can get stronger though tough times but they can also fall out of love, other options look more attractive, or day to day stress grinds the fun bits out of life/rows are more frequent.

Studies show that a good proportion of people regret getting divorced. My bet would be that more men regret it than women, but I have read women on relationships who are lonelier and don't enjoy life post-divorce even though they instigated it.

We just expected to work hard at our marriage ever after rather than just live magically happily ever after.

Got my 50 year badge last year, not all a bed of roses but it's like is being said here, you need to work at it.

Very cautiously I would suggest that from this site people seem very quick to 'LTB' over trivial things, he said something she didn't like, it also seems that many women on here expect to be the one who determines all of the rules of the relationship. To be honest I've often thought that the man would be delighted if she did 'LTB'! None of which is meant to demean those leaving genuinely abusive relationships.

I think a lot of couples don't think about the importance of being friends as well as lovers too be honest. As I said above, DH is absolutely my best friend and I am his. I would rather spend time with him than anyone else and I can tell him absolutely anything.

Quite a few of my friends though say they can't talk to their OH or don't want to. The friend who is on her 3rd marriage is always saying she feels so alone and has no shoulder to cry on (even though she has 4 grown up children and about 12 grandchildren, quite a few of them grown up). When I have said why can't she talk to/depend on her husband she says he is selfish, she doesn't like him etc.

Another friend doesn't like going on holiday with her OH because she "gets bored with just him around"! She even said that about her honeymoon!

If I say DH is my best friend often friends will be surprised even saying its weird or unhealthy!

It certainly seems that on mn there are a lot of posters in not particularly happy relationships. So many say they don't like their OH being home because they "get under their feet". They say they dread when their OH's retire.

On a recent thread when the OP asked if they speak to their OH during the day while at work so many people said they don't contact each other (ok fair enough) but also if one goes away for work or even on holiday they don't contact each other even for as long as a week! Anyone who said they did speak daily and if one were away were called "needy". Why would you not speak if you were apart for several days?

Some people bail on a marriage of 10 or 20 years and then announce, "I'm so happy with X now" failing to realise that of course you are happy if you've only known Jim/Sue a year. You haven't had the money worry bits, the new baby bits, the toddler bits, the teens bit and, most importantly, the boredom bits.

I got pasted on another thread for saying that the most outwardly "My marriage is so happy and we never ever argue" people always end up in the divorce courts, because one or other party is subduing their feelings. (Other red flags include dh suggesting long-term SAHM gets a job, and teeth whitening. Both of these ime are absolute proof of affairs...)

there was a thread about a poster outraged that something said in confidence to a friend would be repeated to their partner, because couples share quite a lot.

I still agree with that, and it shows that many couples are really close. It's not a gossip thing, it's the fact that you talk with your partner, you are friends.

It's also true that people change, and there's nothing wrong in divorcing if you have both changed so far you are no longer compatible. I hope none of my kids will want to marry young because they should play the field a bit and never feel like they have settled, but as long as they are happy, it will be their choice.

and teeth whitening. Both of these ime are absolute proof of affairs...

huh!?!
I had my teeth whitened. I felt like having my last baby aged me, and I would look better with a younger smile. No affair or even a crush involved!

Lol at ‘ seeing what’s in the bed and going to the fridge ‘

I love being married and my DH feels the same way (and I believe him). We have many married couple friends and honestly they all seem happy together, of course no one knows what goes on behind closed doors but we all go out to restaurants/sports events/take trips/meet up at the pub etc... and I see my married friends as truly enjoying being in each other's company. It sounds soppy but my DH is my best friend and I am his and I see the same dynamic with our friends.

I have one friend who is unhappily married but in her case she should never have married her dh and we all knew it at the time, even she was not sure and there were already problems in their relationship but she went through with it anyway (for the worst reason of all - she had just turned 30 and was afraid of being alone). Now she has two children and feels trapped. She essentially lives a separate life from her dh but under the same roof. That's the only unhappy marriage I know if and it was always going to be a disastrous marriage so it wasn't being married itself that makes them unhappy, they have always been a terrible pairing.

OP do you really know so many unhappily married people? You yourself perhaps? If you're unhappily married then I can see that you think everyone must be like you. Personally marrying my dh was the best decision I made in my life and I've had a pretty great life.

Why do you take silly cliched comments as a true reflection of a relationship?

Shit...I didn't realise teeth whitening was symptomatic of an affair. Don't tell my DH!!