To think most people are unhappily married?

[Seline]

Something I've been thinking of. How widely accepted men's jokes about a weekend with the lads/night out etc to get away from "the misses", how people describe marriage as a ball and chain, jokes like "single women are skinny because they see what's in the fridge and go to bed, married women see what's in the bed and go to the fridge,".

I've never understood why you'd marry someone you don't enjoy spending time with and I've started to think most people perhaps don't actually like their husbands or wives...

I’ve had moments where I felt so irritated, usually around moments of domesticity ie very small things. But I’m glad to still be together, there’s still fun to be had and troughs have usually occurred with non-sleeping babies which would test anyone.

I think it’s out of date too

Now it’s more likely to be people tagging each other on social media - as a trend

I think the joke/banter aspect is purely social

ravenmum you're right. I belong to a choir and every week without fail one of the men tells a tired old joke about his "missus". It's pretty tedious and not at all amusing but I don't think it's any indication of how he actually feels about her - she's also in the choir and smiles along with it!

I am very happily married and love my husband. I honestly couldn't imagine life without him (except, perhaps at 4am when he's snoring and I consider if smothering him is a reasonable reaction). However, there have been times when we haven't been happy, when life has been very very hard and you are just surviving (2 redundancies in 16 months with periods of unemployment after). But to me, in those moments, that's how I know I love him, because when life gets hard and your marriage is hard we both cared and loved enough to try and to fight for our marriage and not walk away. That being said, he is going out tomorrow night and I have made no secret of how excited I am. I will have a large glass of wine, a big bar of chocolate and most of all..... the remote!!

I am actually surprised how keen my friends are to stay married. Several of them have what I would consider quite ropey marriages, but they have pretty much all chosen to stay. One motivation is lifestyle, two of my friends openly admit that they don't want to be single mums living in much more impoverished circumstances, or doing all the kiddy-wrangling on their own. Others have weathered the child-rearing years quite badly but seem to be coming back to appreciating each other now they can leave the house and do interesting things as a couple again. I think there is a comfort in a long-term marriage, a familiarity and a sense of achievement for keeping on keeping on which is quite reassuring (unless anything nasty/abusive). This becomes a source of satisfaction in its own right I think, you have the knowledge that you've weathered the storms and so are probably quite good at that.

That said, I do know a few people who have divorced in their 60's upwards, and obviously those who have divorced due to affairs.

But my point is the general low level dissatisfaction and warring that you tend to hear about. I think it's incredibly sad

I wouldn’t worry about other people. Just focus on your own life. Things change, it’s life.

I feel sad that you wanted to strangle your husband. Hopefully things are better now.

I think a lot of people choose their spouses without feeling deep attraction, admiration and respect. Without those 3 things I don't see how a marriage can be happy.

I find my husband very attractive and pleasing to look at, I love his smell, his voice, his wit, his sharpness. I love being close to him and watching him. He's strong willed and confident, and I haven't tried to mould his character like I did with previous partners. I have a lot of respect for him, and for his values and work ethic. I admire his resilience, drive, his patience and how he puts his family first. I didn't feel that for my exes.

Of course we have rows, irritations, like any couple. But I love him and like him too much to be cross for long!

I was on a bus once full of elderly people.

One of the ladies ask a gent (in his 80s)

‘Where is (...wives name) ?’
He replies ‘at home doing the cleaning’
She replies ‘ yeah well you should be helping’
He replied ‘ I’m out getting some peace!’
She replies ‘ yes well if you kept your gob shut so would she!’

Cue raucous laughter from all on the bus including old gent.

It’s just banter, out dated but still it’s just the bantz!

To those saying the criticism is just banter, I don't think so. If you are happy to stand up and say those things about your wife in public, then I think there must be some truth in them

I don't believe that it's possible to be 100% happy, 100% of the time. You have to hope that over the years you grow and change at the same time and in the same direction as your partner. Sometimes that doesn't happen and the mismatch causes problems. I think happy marriages are those where, even in the worst times, you want to be together more than you don't, you can still see the good in each other.

My DH has been an utter twat at times (I am not claiming perfection here either), but he is kind, respects me as an equal partner (so many men don't if the relationships board is any indication) loves me and our DC, works hard to support us. I try to remember that when times are tough. So I would say I have a happy marriage, even if at times I don't feel 100% happy. But that's just life - we wouldn't recognize happiness if we never felt anything else.

pap some of it is generational. Sexist, outdated and on its way out. But I’ve seen it equally from both sides.

I think most of my friends are in unhappy marriages. And I don’t just mean a blip. Low level death by a thousand cuts type of unhappy.

They all give different reasons for staying, but Kids, lifestyle and the fear of the unknown are the top ones.

I agree that even through the tough times if you can’t imagine them not being by your side then it’s not a good sign.

Maybe some of them will get back to loving each other again, I fear a lot will do what my parents generation did and separate when the kids go to university or leave home.

Personally I would say that if you wouldn’t be with your partner if it weren’t for those reasons then it’s a very sad way to live your life.

But people want different things. Many might not care about sex and intimacy and laughter, they might get that somewhere else. Which makes life bearable.

I have been married 31 years. I have loathed my husband, loved him, felt comforted by him, been annoyed, walked out on him, wanted to leave him, told him he is an arse, told him he is can be a controlling arse etc. But:
All these things are short lived and deep down I wouldn't be without him. Yes, he doesn't do his share of housework and he bugs me cause he doesn't listen and all the other things mentioned and I moan likehell to other people and may be unhappy at certain points but am also totally comfortable with him. Not all comments mean a totally unhappy relationship.

"To those saying the criticism is just banter, I don't think so. If you are happy to stand up and say those things about your wife in public, then I think there must be some truth in them"

This. Also, it's not even funny. What's original about recycling a joke that is literally generations old.

I think the best response is something that really attacks the lack of originality of the men who say this, who are almost universally the type who pride themselves on their sense of humour, to the point that they are ready to describe anyone who doesn't laugh as 'lacking a sense of humour'. Attacking it on the grounds of its near-total tiredness seems to work ("Oh my God, are people still making that joke? It's about 50 years old! Not exactly sparklingly original wit, is it?")

Thinking about the couples I know, I think most of them seem happy, but who really knows? I can think of couples who have appeared extremely happy on the outside, only to announce a split or divorce.

I'm very unhappily married, but I'm not sure many people realise.

Dp and I have a weird sense of humour.
I have heard people gasp when we have been talking. It has turned a dark corner since Dp was diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer.
He jokes about him dying and the big question. Who will go first Dp or his mother?

I think it is humour that is the glue.

All bar 1 wedding I have been to has ended in divorce.
The majority of happy people I know are single parents.

I'm sure most couples go through unhappy periods but that those times don't reflect the marriage as a whole. Life is too short to be unhappily married, I for one am glad we live in a society where you can split up and move on when it's time but thus far my marriage has not been the caricatured imagine comedians like to paint, thankfully! Hopefully not for my husband either...!

People say negative things as a joke often, don't take everything literally.

If people speak too positively about their others halves or children it can come across as boastful, so people play things down.

Having said that, sometimes there can be a nasty undercurrent and some people are definitely unhappily married.

Thanks @cantbearsed I do need to, for the sake of my DH really. I’ve told him how I feel but need to do something about it!

I think a lot of my generation who are just leaving their twenties (my friends who have small children all seem to feel like I do) feel we were sold a dream of absolute equality but when it comes down to it, after you have a baby there is still an unspoken expectancy that you will take on the majority of the childcare and housework. I get so angry at people asking me when I’m out in a social environment who has my DD. DH never gets asked, because it is just expected that his good little wife will be at home where she belongs with the kids...

The disappointment that we aren’t actually as equal as we were led to believe is hard to overcome. And I have a very supportive DH who is a hands-on Dad compared to some of my friends. But I still have to pick up his dirty pants and he still phones me every day to ask what’s for dinner...

We aren't married but we make jokes like this all the time. It's more banter than anything serious - we are very happy, probably more than we have ever been. My parents have been married 60 years and are so in love it's a bit vomit inducing at times and they crack jokes like this.

Dearly wish people would read comments properly, the comments regarding happy relationships in those who are married 20 years + and empty nesters are my PERSONAL EXPERIENCE of couples in our lives. I'm not making some sweeping generalisation, this is my experience of long term marriage in friends, parents friends, family etc.

Out of my fairly large circle of friends, I only know of two who are in unhappy marriages. Both, for some inexplicable reason, choose to stay with overbearing bullies, and be miserable.

The rest of my friends seem really happy actually, as are DH and me. I would describe my marriage as fun, as well as mutually supportive. We have our moments when it’s not all roses and rainbows, but that’s generally because of work pressures, and those moments never last too long.

So sorry @oliversmummy I can understand that humour. It’s a strength. Sending you hugs and

It’s the mean undertones and especially sarcasm too I find, between couples that I don’t think bodes well. Constant digs. My Ex used to put me down in public, and I found it excruciating. It would ruin the social event for me. I think it did reveal his meanness towards me, and that is why he is my Ex now. He is still like this about me to our son, who has noticed and hates it. He tells him to stop.

@SerenDippitty @downcasteyes @ravenmum I'm talking to you

StylishMummy - Yes, we realise that, and most of us are responding to qualify your view that, in your experience and according to the couples you know, "The vast majority [of couples who have been together 20 years] fulfil traditional gender stereotype roles of man working and woman child/house keeping" with examples from OUR personal experience, which is different.

You're allowed to share yours, we're allowed to share ours.