To think most people are unhappily married?

[Seline]

Something I've been thinking of. How widely accepted men's jokes about a weekend with the lads/night out etc to get away from "the misses", how people describe marriage as a ball and chain, jokes like "single women are skinny because they see what's in the fridge and go to bed, married women see what's in the bed and go to the fridge,".

I've never understood why you'd marry someone you don't enjoy spending time with and I've started to think most people perhaps don't actually like their husbands or wives...

Anyone that's made it over 20 years, particularly those with empty nests are the ones who I really doubt would cope without each other, true soulmates.

I see this with both my own parents and grandparents. It's heartbreaking actually because my grandfather now has Alzheimer's and forgets who my nan is sometimes, they've been together since she was 15. She's terribly sad without him as he used to be.

I am unhappily married. I love my DH very much and he is the love of my life. However, for a long while now he has just treated me with indifference. He can't be bothered to show me any kindness or affection. It is in there, he is just lazy and complacent.

I think I have been a pretty decent and supportive partner. If and when I leave I think he will realise what a tw@t he has been and then go on to be a much better partner to anyone new he meets.

In fact, I think I can say that divorce has been more common than staying together amongst my group of neighbours and siblings etc.

It’s the opposite for me. Very few divorces in my family and friends. Not many in DDs friend’s parents either.

I am fortunate to know some happy marriages. It gives me hope!

However I do feel sad when I see couples who are sarcastic and take bites out of each other. It’s really uncomfortable to be around. They say its banter, it isn’t, it’s being mean and nasty to your more important person.

Anyone that's made it over 20 years, particularly those with empty nests are the ones who I really doubt would cope without each other, true soulmates. The vast majority fulfil traditional gender stereotype roles of man working and woman child/house keeping.

You think the vast majority of couples who have lasted over 20 years fulfil traditional gender stereotype roles?

"Anyone that's made it over 20 years, particularly those with empty nests are the ones who I really doubt would cope without each other, true soulmates."

I don't think this is necessarily true, sadly. There are plenty of relationships that are long term but dysfunctional. I was with my exP for nearly 20 years (we got together when we were 14). We grew apart in our 20s and by the end it was a total mess. Of course, being so young was a factor in that, but there are plenty of couples with other kinds of dysfunction who stay together in spite of multiple affairs, violence, controlling behaviour. My parents have been married since the early 70s, but I wouldn't describe it as a happy marriage - my mother is mental. It really is quality, not longevity.

I have been with my DP for 27 years. We share finances, housework and the travails of life. He makes my life much better than it would otherwise be. But I don't work at my marriage, and I am not selfless.

hazandduck That almost sounds like what used to be called a midlife crisis. Its like you have achieved the life society says you should to be happy and successful, and are thinking - what now? I would use that feeling as a good time to take stock and make any changes that you need to make.

Oh, and my parents fulfil your idea of 'traditional gender roles'. My mother was a SAHP, my father worked. Married for decades.

My mother is a controlling narcissist who makes everyone's life a misery. She's the kind of person who thinks that she can contribute to the world by having anxiety about it - anxiety that she does nothing to address, and that inhibits her from doing anything useful, and that leads her to be a snappy, bad tempered, sulky person wiht everyone. She would have been MUCH better off working and being a looser parent than she was. (I was still being smacked into my late teens, as well as punched, hit, screamed at etc). Now that they are both retired, my Dad isn't allowed to do basic things, like pursue his hobby (photography) because he hasn't done a bit of completely unnecessary housework in their already spotless home. It is NOT a successful relationship, but there is no way he will ever leave.

I know three or four couples we’ll whose kids are early 20s and left home. They are all so happy. Going out lots, long country walks together, holidays. I’m very envious.

My kids and most other couples I know are early primary age and we mostly get almost no couple time. Relationships are judged on the ability to coparent. I feel very lucky that my dh is a fantastic father who does his share and we feel like a real team.

I didn't experience this, my marriage was so happy and even when we argued, we couldn't stay mad at each other for long. He was my best friend and I was his.

However, his first marriage was the stuff of nightmares. He regularly came home to find his ex wife in bed with someone else, he stayed with her for a few years because he had no self esteem or confidence. Then she left him (and left the kids with him).

When I joined MN I was staggered at the number of threads from unhappily married women. I couldn't relate to a lot of the threads because DH and I were so happy. I think though that if you are happy, you are less likely to start a thread about it, whereas if you have a complaint, you are going to seek support, so the unhappy people seem more in number for that reason.

downcasteyes

Sounds very much like my parents marriage, only thing was, they genuinely loved each other.
Nothing is ever what it seems.

I think most people are well informed enough to know when a marriage is worth keeping or not. Jokes like you’ve mentioned are just bravado in front of mates. I wouldn’t think twice about them. I wouldn’t swap my husband for anything but he does get on my nerves sometimes! Just as I do his. In fact I probably annoy him more but he loves me unconditionally. Many men still don’t share their true feelings with their friends the way women do. It may be 2019 but a lot of people still haven’t caught on to being open and honest about their emotions and feelings.

I was saddened by your post OP. It got me thinking about how not every marriage is as loving as they should be. My DH tells me almost daily he loves me - after 27 years together I still get butterflies in my stomach when he says it.

I don't think you can make sweeping assumptions about how well a couple would cope without each other on the basis of how long they've been together. I've been married 30 years and I believe my DH would cope OK without me, much better than I would without him. This difference doesn't mean I love him more than he loves me. It is a matter of character & temperament.

Marriage - or a LTR - can be fun, boring, challenging, comfortable, infuriating, hard work, reassuring and everything in between!

It changes, because people change. You aren't the same every day, or week, or year. Your moods change, your wants, needs, interests - none of these things are static. So it's natural that your relationship will fluctuate and change as well. But if you are pulling in tandem then hopefully you accommodate the changes together. I've heard marriage described as a series of compromises and I'd agree (mostly!). It's rare that you'll find someone who will agree 100% with absolutely everything that you want, for a lifetime!

I stay married because I love my husband. He's extremely intelligent, witty, snores like a warthog, can occasionally be thoughtless, is sometimes utterly infuriating, capable, dependable and is very fair and honest. He makes me happy, even though there are times when I'm pissed off with him. We laugh together a lot - and that I think is part of the glue that holds us together. We have very similar humour, views on the world and a sense of the ridiculous. Been together 17 years and married for 14.

And that's marriage - you need something in common, whether that's children, or interests, or work or whatever and a desire to want to be with that person - to keep standing with them even when you are tired, and cross and broke or ill. It's the something in common and the desire to be together that powers you through the shitty bits. The sense that you are a team.

I'm certainly happily married (married 3 and a half years, together 13). I do look at some of my friends who have very fiery temperaments as do their husbands and think I would find it exhausting to be in a relationship where there's regular snapping and goading but they insist they're happy too.

I actually think women can be equally rude in their comments about men sometimes. A lot of the conversations amongst my antenatal group after having DS centred around how rubbish the men were with their babies and patronising about their ability to parent. But then maybe those men were just rubbish, who knows.

The vast majority fulfil traditional gender stereotype roles of man working and woman child/house keeping.
20 years ago it was 1999, not 1899.

My generation (the ones getting married 20 years ago) are generally not the ones who conform to the gender stereotypes. There is only one of my friends’ marriage in that category and most of us have been married or together for over 20 years.

I think v few people actually tell others if they are unhappily married as everyone is keen to keep upthe facade....
Many of us think our friends are happy but, if you dig a little deeper, it's rarely the case.
People stay/put up with it for all sorts of reasons....It's sad, but sometimes the alternative of leaving is too scary to contemplate.

I think that many people are happily married. Unhappy people are more vociferous and it gives the impression that most marriages are miserable. Not so, in my experience. There's no such thing as 'happy ever after' like in the fairy stories as real life gets in the way.

I disagree that most people unhappily married talk about it. I still remember going round to a friends house one evening where her and her DP were laughing and joking. Two days later they announced they were divorcing. When I said how shocked I was my friend say "We put on a good show for a long time."

I think many couples are just plodding along, rather than unhappy

Or plodding along unhappy in a low key way.

Relationships should make your life better.

Anyone that's made it over 20 years, particularly those with empty nests are the ones who I really doubt would cope without each other, true soulmates.
I disagree. My marriage lasted 20 years. The average age for divorce is about 45, think "midlife crisis". Many people even specifically wait until the kids have left home.

Of course lots of people end up unhappy with one another, look at the divorce rate. But that doesn't make their entire marriage unhappy or something that you should just write off as a failure.

As someone in a happy marriage, with a husband who loves and respects me, I would tend to agree with the OP. Some people talk so negatively about their marriages, it makes me wonder why they would want to be married. And it makes me feel like my relationship is the exception, rather than the rule, which is a shame if it's true.

Of the mariages around me. Parents and parents in law, not happy. Sister - OK. Sisters in law, 1 happy, 2 unhappy

Given that life is not a bowl of cherries and has challenges for all of us, I am sure most married couples have moments of annoyance, disappointment, irritation and loneliness. They can’t be happy 100% of the time, that’s not the human condition. But single people probably have exactly the same levels of unhappiness albeit for different reasons.

I’ve been married over 30 years. There have been times when I would have left him but practicalities stopped me. I know there are times when I drive him crazy and he would have been happy to see the back of me but overall I’m glad we stuck together. We have a lifetime of history and memories, we now love each other unconditionally (a concept I didn’t understand as an idealistic newly wed) and I would miss him very much if he weren’t around.

I have to say, though, that I think the "My wife's gone on holiday to the Caribbean" jokes are quite outdated - dating back to a time when there was more pressure on people to marry early and stay married. I grew up with TV shows and Carry On films etc. depicting the men as hating being married to their domineering wives. These days I would say that you actually get far fewer jokes about having a horrible spouse. I think the joke/banter aspect is purely social and not a true reflection of real satisfaction in real marriages.