To think most people are unhappily married?

[Seline]

Something I've been thinking of. How widely accepted men's jokes about a weekend with the lads/night out etc to get away from "the misses", how people describe marriage as a ball and chain, jokes like "single women are skinny because they see what's in the fridge and go to bed, married women see what's in the bed and go to the fridge,".

I've never understood why you'd marry someone you don't enjoy spending time with and I've started to think most people perhaps don't actually like their husbands or wives...

I am happily married - and all of my friends too. The odd joke about marriage shouldn’t brushed seriously. Mostly said in jest. Most of us care very much about our marriages

Taken

It's a long haul and how you felt at the very beginning has no bearing necessarily on how you feel 20 years later. We can only do what feels right at the time in life and there are no guarantees. I believe it's very easy to want and need something different further down the line. People change and grow and gain wisdom and clarity.

I am constantly surprised by how distant many couples' lives are from each other, usually as a result of very, very substantial differences between them on a whole range of issues. It seems like they are together as a financial partnership, and sometimes for status - not as a companionate marriage in which they are best friends as well as lovers.

We’ve been married 30 years. We’ve had some ups and downs but got through them. He is still the person I most enjoy spending time with. Even when as a previous poster said he is snoring like a train.

Years ago there was a survey done, married people were asked if they would marry the same person again, most of the men said yes and most of the women said no.

A lot of people are miserable. It's hard living with somebody else.
I would find it a whole lot easier living with a friend of relative than living with a man.
Little things can irritate you and chip away at a relationship.
You both really have to make huge sacrifices and keep small irritations away from you. The happiest people I know have to work 24/7 to keep on top of their relationship and make it a priority over work and children.
Most people don't do that and slip into toxic patterns of arguments, blame, laziness and pettiness.

I’m happily married and I believe that most of my friends and family are too (although I agree you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors). I certainly don’t meet up with my friends and slag off our husbands, and I hope they don’t either!

I agree with you OP. This thread has made me think about other couples we know and I am aware that a lot of the marriages are not great actually.

I think marriage is far far harder than most people expect it to be. I have found it so and would consider my marriage happy. We make an effort to spend time together without the telly or devices so we can talk. That might sound corny but it's surprising what comes out when you are sitting opposite each other over a coffee.

He is my best friend but I am lucky. I have had some really shit relationships in the past. The difference I think is that he is so 'steady'. No extremes of emotion either way so he's predictable and easy going and also he was raised around a lot of women so he understands them.

Yanbu op.
I’ve been unhappy in my marriage for years.
There’s no violence or affairs or anything like that, I just don’t like him. Over the years I’ve realised he’s a lazy, opinionated, arse who I have very little respect for.
I’m so jaded I don’t believe anyone is happily married, I’m sure all marriages have good times, but most of the time it’s probably dull as ditch water.
The only woman I know who said her marriage was wonderful was with another man 6 months after the death of her husband.

Most people I know are happily married. I also don't know many people who talk like that. (Coincidence ?)

@StevieHuckle that's such a depressing post.

A lot of people seem to be in relationships for what they can get out of it, that makes you competitive IME. It seems to work better if you start from a point of what you can do for your partner, as long as you can trust them to do the same for you. The problem is a lot of the time you can't, so people get jaded about going into a relationship with essentially this attitude of serving their partner.

Also there is a lot of sexism people just purely belive, and I think this leads to unequal relationships, rubbish like "men don't see mess" etc, assumptions that certain roles will be played.

I agree it's often a reflection of your social circle. We have faith and many of our friends and family really made an effort to find partners who shared their values and both the men and women DON'T want to be divorced. So we seem to know a lot of very happily married people. My own husband has no interest in going down to the pub regularly. He much prefers to be at home with our three teenagers (what a weirdo !) and has lots of work and hobbies. Of course I have known marriages that haven't worked out but they're quite rare. I definitely don't have close friends male or female that sit around slagging off their partner and marriage in general. When I was a teenager I definitely knew groups of men who were very disparaging of their partner and would stand in a group in the pub complaining and would take any opportunity to cheat on their wife or partner. But I had no interest in being around them or men like them as I grew up.

I don't think anyone can really know what goes on on the inside of someone else's marriage, however much the spouse might talk about it to friends and family.

Marriage isn’t meant to be fun well if you want to waste your life away being miserable then that’s your choice, for me life’s to short, I a happily divorced and single. I see many people in unhappy marriages moaning about their other half’s, I hear of many people cheating and people in abusive relationships, many staying for the children. Life’s too short, if your not happy and if it’s not fun then why continue?

I don’t know any one who talks like that but i generally wouldn’t have friends who refer to their wife as the missus and neither would my husband. My husband also doesn’t do lads weekends and crazy stags. All my friends are happily married and have been for years. We have no divorced or separated friends. I also think age comes into to it. Where I’m from people get married much more in their mid thirties so are well established in their careers and finances which helps a lot.

It's all very well to say 'choose well' but it's hard to know how your chosen partner will cope with e.g. children, illness, bereavements, job losses... Sometimes people surprise you positively or negatively. Arguably if you marry around 30, the person you're with around 50 is to all intents and purposes not the same person! The point about not having role models in our parents really resonates with me. My DP and PIL have both been married for a long time but neither of the women were seriously in the paid workforce nor used paid childcare so no role models for me there. I could really do with tips on work.life balance. I look to female friends who are a bit older than me for that sort of advice, but I didn't know anyone like that when I actually got married.

I think a lot of those old hackneyed jokes come from an age gone by where men liked to be seen as "jack the lad" and that if they DID get married, it's because they were "trapped" into it; that the woman has "finally got her man" or got him "legshackled". It's all a great big show of pluming feathers and beating of chests (yes, mixed metaphors) for the men to show just how "manly" they were and how they weren't "under the thumb".

And yet - married men still live longer than single men. Most men still want to "settle down" eventually, after they've had their life of Riley and a good ol' time - but still that bravado, that "Big Man" nonsense carries on.

Women who buy into it, simpering along with it, don't help.

I DO hope that things change - but it's going to have to be because men's attitudes change, and because women stop putting up with shit attitudes and shit behaviour - the tide has started to turn but there are still some whose idea of how marriage should be is definitely conned from the 1950s (male AND female).

Men who are proud to be married and proud of their wife and children, those are the real men. Not the ones who whinge on about "Her indoors", or call their wife "Ball and chain" etc. and bemoan their earlier freedom. They forget their earlier freedom wouldn't have done their washing for them, or looked after their house either - they'd have had to do it themselves then so they can still share in doing it when they have a wife/girlfriend/partner whatever.

I'm starting to ramble, I'll stop now.

Thinking about it, I have learnt more from Mumsnet than anywhere else - it gives you access to a massive range of experiences.

I don't think they are, no.

But I think you are far more likely to hear about unhappy marriages than happy ones. People don't tend to boast about their marriages and how good their husband is to them - but people will moan when they're unhappy and want things to change.

I'm very happy in my marriage and I know plenty people who are the same. But the people who are most vocal are the ones who are unhappy - none of them seem to want to do anything about it though!

Interesting responses. I agree you're far more likely to hear about people being unhappy than people being happy. And I also agree that everyone has times when they're unhappy. I've wanted to strangle my husband before when pregnant so I do funny understand that.

But my point is the general low level dissatisfaction and warring that you tend to hear about. I think it's incredibly sad.

But I think you are far more likely to hear about unhappy marriages than happy ones. People don't tend to boast about their marriages and how good their husband is to them - but people will moan when they're unhappy and want things to change.

Yes I think this is true.

I've had a few friends who have married and ended up unhappy and I genuinely believe they wanted the wedding more than they thought about what a marriage really involved. Sad but true

've been with my man for 6 years and have a family now. Selection is key. And hard work and selflessness.

awwww bless-6 years

keep doing it for 20 years and then give advice!

This is why the marriage vows say 'for better, for worse'

It's not like dating or going out with someone. the spark does go . but hopefully you are left with a deep burning fire which while not as exciting, is ultimately more satisfying and useful.
It takes determination to stay with the same person forever.

I think people do give up too easily-i read on here the other day someone say they would leave the husband if he put 6 stone on. How superficial! The person is the sum of all their parts-not just their body.
You become attracted to the person because of the kindness or their sense of fun or whatever other good quality they have.
How exciting is it do you think to look after your elderly husband who has had a stroke and needs feeding and who you know will never get better? It's something you do because you have a lifetime of love behind you and you have have a shared history and a shared ...

i can't articulate what i'm trying to say. It's early and i'm tired.

the general low level dissatisfaction and warring that you tend to hear about

It might be the case that many people feel general low level dissatisfaction with their lives, whether married or not.

Even if you are generally happy with your life, most people have things they would change, e.g. different job, working less hours, shorter commute, bigger house, nicer neighbours, no financial worries, no difficult relationships within their wider family.