That we can afford the chicken!?

[hungryfordinner]

So I've had an argument with my husband and really need some independent perspective.

We are a family of three - me, husband and toddler

• we own our house outright (paid off last summer)!
• we both earn good salaries- after childcare we have about £5k per month to go towards living and saving. We each get £500 to cover tube transport / mobile / personal expenses, so £4000 is free. We are saving for an overseas home and our child's future. There is plenty in savings if we need it.

And yet- today I realised we had no meat in the fridge aside from some sausages, no vegetables apart from tomatoes; and we only get groceries on a Sunday. Not fancying sausages, I bought some chicken breasts in Sainsbury's for £6, and came home and made dinner for the three of us, using the tomatoes and pasta we already had.

I thought that my husband would be pleased I had dinner ready (Wednesday is my day off; he has Fridays off and never has dinner ready for me when I get home).

Well, he has come home and kicked off big time about me buying the chicken. Apparently we need to make what's in the fridge last a whole week, even if it means pesto pasta or tinned meals. And we shouldn't be eating so much meat.

We spend max £40 on food / nappies (his rule) per week and honestly it's driving me crazy. Yes- some people do this and manage fine. I get this. It's not impossible but it's not fun.

But AIBU to think that since we are in such a fortunate financial position, we can splash out on a bit of mid-week chicken? Why the need to control our existence in such a shitty way?

Wait - while I'm at it- a cleaner. I always said to him I want a cleaner when I am back at work. Our time together is too valuable to waste time cleaning. But nope. Instead I spent at least an hour of my day off cleaning skid marks that his disgusting mate had left in our family bathroom last night, scrubbing the rest of that bathroom down, vacuuming and mopping the ground floor, and doing laundry.

All while trying to entertain a toddler or get him to nap (bloody hard work).

On Saturdays we both do a full clean of the house, either while the child sleeps or if he won't sleep,!we take turns cleaning / entertaining child.

I'm sick of living such a miserly existence when we can well and truly afford to live a little!

I went out and bought fresh salmon fillets, asparagus and new potatoes after reading this thread - DH will not raise an eyebrow except to say thank you for his delicious dinner. I've had times when I had to eat value beans for days on end, I can't understand that anyone would choose to do that when they have lots of disposable income, and would begrudge their wife and child a decent meal. Meanness is never attractive.

Just checked the thread again, I reckon the OP is being financially abused, its definitely a controlling relationship. And I reckon the OP isn't coming back

He sounds like one of those people featured in the mail that have paid off their mortgage but when you read closer it’s becuaee they have essentially stopped living for x number of years.

Fair enough if suits everyone involved.

The problem here is that you don’t want this kind of life. So you either woman up and start exercising some control over your own finances or you leave or you stay but accept that’s life

To those saying how insensitive the OP is to those who are financially struggling

FFS. Since when is mumsnet some kind of socialist campaigner for these financially struggling.

@Mmmmbrekkie I would hope MN was a place which would be sensitive to people who are financially struggling because it's the right thing to do.

That said I don't think OP was being insensitive, her finances were relevant to her post and she wasn't complaining that she doesn't have enough money she was complaining her DH was controlling with it.

Agreed. Not being a socialist campaigner for the less fortunate doesn’t mean that you can’t be sensitive.

However those in all financial positions are free to start threads on the nuances of their financial situation without feeling that they will be judged. Whether for the fact that they need to make lentil stew for 8 days until pay day or whether they are asking for best ways to pay off their mortgage in quickest possible time.

I'm back, I am sorry, I did have to get my 1 year old and myself out the door by 7:30, and only just stopped for the first time since he woke up at 6.

About to read your responses. Thank you all. And sorry to those I've offended.

@Mmmmbrekkie

Agreed and you should be able to mention your finances if it's relevant and you have a bit more money than others. In the same way you can mention you're in a happy marriage while being sensitive that others aren't.

Utterly miserable as sin.

As a PP said, your carbon footprint on holidays is much worst than this. £40 a week on food? You must be buying shitty, intensively reared antibiotic-pumped meat too, so ditto re carbon footprint.

You cannot go on living like this, what is the point of pots of cash when day-to-day living is miserable.

It isn't up to your DH to decide how family expenditure happens.
A holiday home abroad is a nice idea but will benefit you only for a few weeks out of 52 whereas a cleaner and decent nutritious food and the enjoyable meals will benefit you on all the other days of the year and into your futures.
I cannot understand his thinking unless he is the sort of person who thinks possessions and assets bring status.
Either way you have a very large amount of disposable income with which you should both be able to have choices

FFS. Since when is mumsnet some kind of socialist campaigner for these financially struggling - of course it isn't, but then "ooo I have SOOOO much money but that's not enough to buy some food is it, I'm so naughty I ate some chicken" - really?

I think the £40 is being hinged on here, when the real problem is your controlling husband.

And many people aren't reading that it's a holiday home that you will be moving into in years to come so it is about future planning for you and not just a holiday home...

However your husband needs to be sat down and told to back off with his control and that you are upping your food budget to £60 or £80.

Thank you again for your replies.

I recognise this obsession with budgets is not normal. In fact, he made me pay a "fine" of £20 into the joint account last night, for the £6 chicken.

I know we need to provide good food for our child. This is part of the reason I posted here. Husband would be fine to eat baked beans, pasta with ketchup, or tinned ravioli every night.

But I'm not happy with my child eating that shite. I have batch cooked lots of baby food for him, but he's getting too big for baby food, loves BLW-style eating, and I want eating to be a family activity where we eat all the same food.

I also know that our carbon footprint is large due to overseas holidays, and that we should be buying organic food, and that my time per hour is more than we'd pay for a cleaner.

I think my husband honestly believes we are hard up for it- he's always moaning about his siblings and their lavish and lazy lifestyles (all 3 are married to millionaires, so don't have to work). I have constantly told him that he has no fucking idea for what poor means, but he just doesn't get it.

I will take your comments onboard and will have a frank discussion with him on the weekend. So thank you.

Ps. No, I'm not on Instagram and I hope I'm not considered thick or a dullard by my colleagues. Sometimes it's good to get the perspectives of other people; when you've been in a situation for awhile, it can be hard to see the wood for the trees.

He 'made you pay a fine'?

What would have happened if you'd said 'Don't be ridiculous, I'm an adult and you're not my boss' and refused to do it?

What a dick he sounds.

Your husband is financially abusive. There's no other way to put it. He's not just obsessed, he's making you pay fines to eat your own food. You are in an abusive relationship.

Thing is some weeks you need loo roll and washing powder and dishwasher tabs and have hardly any money for food once you add in nappies.
Other weeks the whole budget will be for food and you can eat well.
He's so rigid in his thinking and control he can't see that each week is not a carbon copy of the last.

As for his fine, tell him you'll see him in court because fuck me you're an adult and can make your own decisions without him micromanaging you.

You sound lovely OP. Your husband sounds like a controlling, money-obsessed miser. Please take on board what MNers with more sound advice about controlling relationships have said.

Wake the fuck up OP

NONE OF THIS IS NORMAL

Healthy, well-adjusted people don't fine each other for buying ingredients for dinner

I hope you didn't pay the fine OP - use the money to buy yourself a single lovely steak and a bottle of red - you enjoy that, the little one eats something from the freezer and your not so dear H can have pasta and ketchup..

I think he's being a massive dick. I think people with more money should be shopping with a social conscience as they can afford to - god knows what you're getting for under £40 a week on food (since I'm assuming nappies is a chunk of that).

Please tell.me you said f off to.this...or at least laughed in his face....

"he made me pay a "fine" of £20 into the joint account last night, for the £6
chicken.:

I hope you did not.
If you did then clearly talking to him won't achieve much...stand your ground
Act with confidence
Do not kow tow

Get yourself to a therapist or counsellor to learn to stand up for yourself

Op..we have only half your disposable income to live on...but mygod we love and enjoy life.
We have whatever we want when we want it.

That’s what life is all about.

He’s greedy..plain and simple and will suck the joy out of every lovely moment.

Even my first husband who everyone here knows was a first degree WANKER was generous to a fault.

If you can’t change this situation...then change the man because believe me, he will make your life he’ll.

He charged you a fine of £20 for buying £6 chicken
,...he’d have got a great big OFF from me, with whatever expletive before it you preferred to use.

He "fined" you?!!!!
Come on OP, you know this isn't right.
He is not your owner, a marriage should be a partnership of equals.

It is ok for one partner to say: I think we should budget carefully, and then for both to agree on how much they can afford.
It is not ok for one person to lay the law down and set "rules" for the other.

You are not a slave or employee- stop acting like one!

He made you pay a fine? Why didn’t you say no? Bloody hell he sounds vile. Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life? Does he really not understand that a child shouldn’t be living off tinned ravioli? It’s one thing to inflict a shit diet on himself but a very different thing to enforce it on you and your child.

You’ve heard from people on here that are on really tight budgets through need that are desperately trying to prioritise their children’s diet How can you live like this when you don’t need to? I’m sorry for all of the questions but I find it really baffling at your level of income.